Exes and their effect

[JohnM]

Right well, the start of May this year girl X was having some troubles in her relationship with her BF. I only thought about her at this point as I realised if things didn't work out for them that I'd have a chance once she was single. At this point we were just minor friends as she is a friend of closer friends and I had made no movements. I went on holiday for a week and when I came back my flatmate told me she had broken up with her BF. I didn't waste too much time and arranged to take her to see a film. We had a great time and got on very well. The next week due to numerous circumstances we ended up spending most of the night together talking and dancing. I decided I'd best not fall into the friendship boat by not doing anything. I waited until the end of the night and took her aside and told her how I liked her and that I understood she would need time to get over her ex. She expressed how she also really liked me but was a bit messed up after her ex.

 

Anyhoo, she went away travelling for a week before I met up again with her while she was away for a week. We spent some time together but not alot as I knew I should take a backseat and give her some space to relax and enjoy her trip. I hadn't seen her for about 7 weeks due to her still being away when her birthday arrived. I bought her a really nice gift and card and whatnot and greeted her when I saw her for her party. From then until the end of the night I must have spoken less than 20 words to her. To be honest I couldn't have cared less if she had spent no time with me it was who she was spending her time with that made me annoyed.

 

She had invited her EX to the party and spent long periods talking to him just the two of them at the bar. It was kind of disrespectful to me at the time as I had been patient and waited for her to be over him and she was spending her time with him during the night. I felt like crap, everyone else there I knew pretty well. They all know how I felt about her and could see how it was affecting me. I kind of ignored it for a while, as what could I do. Later we moved on to another bar and again she was talking with him at that bar too while I was left ignored. A few of my friends could see I wasn't happy and asked if I was alright I said I wasn't and they knew why too.

 

She didn't seem to if I'm being honest but she must have realised at some point. She playfully gave me a light kick on the arse trying to get me to get my attention but to be honest, at the time that just wasn't good enough and I ingored her. When she was standing at the bar later her friend had hold of girl Xs hand and went to take mine to kind of put them together. I looked over at girl X and she was looking away. I kind of felt like you know, does this have to be forced now? I refused the move and looked away. Her (and my friend) then gave me a kick on the arse as well as another from another friend of mine but I wasn't having it by then. I decided to leave as I kind of felt rubbish, I got a kind of fight or flight response brewing up and decided to leave as I felt really uncomfortable.

 

The next day I was still brewing up, I bumped into girl X by accident in a bar in the morning and kind of gave a brief wave as an automatic response and left swiftly without giving her another look. She must have realised at this point something was up and sent me a text later on. I ignored it out of principal as she needed to know I wasn't happy. I ingored one the next day asking me to reply and saying she was sorry that she didn't really talk to me but she was trying to be a good hostess. Again it seemed she knew I was angry but not why. Either that or she was skirting around the topic. I ingnored this too as I just didn't know what I should do. She sent another the next day and told me she wouldn't keep asking. She told me to stop acting like a dick as I was making her upset.

 

I replied saying I didn't want to talk about it over a text and that we would speak next time I saw her. I may get the chance to see her later and need to get my thoughts together and some perspective on this from other people would be helpful. I'm thinking that I'm right to be angry, she needed to know that although I'm a very nice guy I'm no mug. I'm not just there for when she wants me. I think I may need to ask if she still has feelings for her ex as If she does nothing can happen between me and her until theres only feelings for me.

 

If you've taken the time to read this I thankyou and any views and help on this are greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks in advance.

JohnM

[birdie]

I can see that this is upsetting for you but she may have feelings for her ex still, it is possible that they are trying to work things out. After all, you don't know why they broke up, it may have been over something that's not so serious.

 

I think you need a little perspective on this because I really don't think she owes you anything. Of course it is disappointing when a person gets back with their ex or has feelings for them but she is entitled to do that because she is not your girlfriend.

 

Maybe her texts were her attempts to explain what was going on but you decided to ignore them instead. That's not the most mature approach I might ad. If you want to talk to her then talk but don't sit in the corner, sulk and give the silent treatment.

[JohnM]

I do know some of the reasons behind them breaking up and it was happening for a while. He was treating her badly too.

 

I understand that she owes me nothing its more that I've been trying hard to make things easy and smooth. Given her time, treated her well simply to be overlooked on a night I was greatly looking forward to. Shes entitled to do what she wants as you pointed out shes not my girlfriend. But if I'm sitting back waiting for her to get over him for 3 months being patient and understanding for her to push that aside for the same guy then I think thats quite out of order right in front of me.

 

Maybe her texts were her attempts to explain what was going on but you decided to ignore them instead. I ingored her texts as they had no real intent in them I was angry and didn't want to resolve an issue over a text I need to do this in person. I just needed to wait until shes here so I can sort it. Its more that I was quite lost and unsure how to solve things.

 

Thankyou for your input, I apprecite your help.

[quankanne]

1. sometimes, people get cornered or can't spend as much time as they'd like with everyone when they're the guest of honor, so I generally wouldn't think twice about her not "being with you"

 

2. however, since the bulk of her time was absorbed by her ex, you prolly should give up the ghost; she's not over the guy. If she were, she would have given him the minimal amount of attention/time considered as polite, then she would have circulated. But she didn't, so she isn't over him.

 

3. don't do the passive-agressive thing or play games. If you're not happy, TELL her you're not happy, nor that you intend to pursue the relationship because she's not ready to be committed to something new.

 

BTW, just because we know that we're upset, and some of our friends can sense it, it doesn't mean that the person we're upset with knows this. You shouldn't have expected her to read your mind that night at the bar while she was wrapped up in her ex. Because like I said before, (1) when you're the guest of honor, everyone demands your attention and you must give it, and (2) when one of the guests is the ex you're not quite over, he's going to take up all your time/attention. You weren't wrong to be upset, but you shouldn't have had such high expectations after seeing her choose him over other guests, including you. She doesn't have a history with you, so she didn't think she was ignoring you or doing you wrong ...

[JohnM]

I take on #1 as its what I thought initially. #2 Is what I'm thinking now. I can fully understand she would be spread thinly. As I also said though, I wouldn't have cared to not have spoken if she'd have been talking to alot of people. Other people have brought up the same point which you worded perfectly: 'she would have given him the minimal amount of attention/time considered as polite, then she would have circulated.' < This is my main problem.

 

Right, I don't like playing games and all of that rubbish its more that I didn't know what else to do at the time. I fully intend to let her know exactly how I feel. I know that simply glossing over things isn't te right thing to do. I mean I could have text her back and said 'Oh no, I'm fine. Glad you enjoyed the gifts see you soon!' and just forgot about it but I was angry and confused.

 

Again thanks for helping kind of work through the points here. I know I may not have dealt with it right but since there was no way to see her I just didn't know how to talk to her about it. I just need to see her, talk to her about my feelings that night so that she understands. Then I'll have to address the issue of exactly whats happening with her ex as its such an important area of what will or will not happen afterwards as a result.

[JCD]

Get some self respect man. NEVER EVER wait for a girl to get over someone. Go out and date others because chances are they are not over their ex. Happened to me and as an idiot I let this other girl go by, NEVER again. Learn from my mistakes.

[JohnM]

Good point, I've been thinking about this myself. I did see her yesterday but couldn't get around to talking about what I wanted to due to time constraints. She still isn't really seeming that bothered about this as I am and not trying enough. I'm a bit fed up of trying to get things together by myself. I think I'll just let things happen if they should; I'll bring up my initial points when I do see her and in the mean time see what else is on offer and stop being so bothered by it all. I really shouldn't let this kind of thing impact upon my state of mind and general happiness so much. I know I can get someone else and should be looking at it that way for a while; I mean we're both in the same boat. We're both still single, if she wants to mess me about and mess around with another lad then I'll simply do the same.