IpAncA Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 How much do you trust your SO? Does anyone come close to 100%? If not is that due to past experiences, insecurities, etc...Or maybe you can't trust them with certain things or tasks. And just so you know this isn't a male/female bashing thead. So no all men this or all women that.
Quinch Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I don't think I would ever be able to trust anyone 100% again. Other people, being human, are driven by their own needs/wants/ambitions/etc and are therefore unpredictable and unreliable.
allina Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I trust my SO 100% when it comes to be faithful, responsible and a good loving man :love: I trust him 70% when it comes to remembering to feed the cats or buy household things I think our pasts strongly influence our levels of trust. I have never been majorly screwed or betrayed by a man. I still respect and like most of my exs. I also pick good men and bail with a quickness when I see a red flag in a potential bf
Alexandra-Girl Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Personally, I think to trust 100% is flirting with disaster. We begin to trust too much and when something goes awry, we have difficulty forgiving because we have blinded ourselves into putting our partners on a pedestal.
sb129 Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I trust my SO 100% when it comes to be faithful, responsible and a good loving man :love: I trust him 70% when it comes to remembering to feed the cats or buy household things Me too. I trust Wonderboy to be faithful and loving, and generally Wonderful. However he does have a tendency to forget the little things such as picking up after himself !!! Personally, I think to trust 100% is flirting with disaster. We begin to trust too much and when something goes awry, we have difficulty forgiving because we have blinded ourselves into putting our partners on a pedestal. ????? Thats assuming something actually goes awry. If you keep EXPECTING something to go wrong, of course you won't trust anyone, but what a recipe for disaster..... if you expect something to go wrong, it usually does. I have been badly hurt in the past, and I admit, that sometimes its hard to trust the next BF because of the faults of the others. This time round, having a reassuring BF who actually reminded me a few times that he wasn't like the others and would never hurt me deliberately really helped!!! But you really do need to consider each new R as a fresh start, and not taint it too much with the hurt and problems of the other ones.... each new person is a DIFFERENT person, and they probably won't do to you what the past person did.
lindya Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I find it difficult to differentiate between trusting someone and having overly high expectations of them. I wouldn't want to make another person unhappy by having expectations that they weren't able to live up to, and I get this voice in my head (probably from the way I was brought up) saying "I must not be demanding, I must not have high expectations, I mustn't be annoying, a nuisance etc..." Logic as well as emotion tells me that's not a bad script to have. Overly demanding people with a high sense of entitlement can be a royal pain in the neck to others...but the problem is that if you focus too much on it, it can leave other people feeling that you don't really expect anything much of them - which won't necessarily leave them feeling very trusted or respected. I've been feeling lately that reading LS is quite bad for me. Not because the site itself isn't a good one, but because I tend to zoom in on posts where people are criticising other people's sense of entitlement, demands, unrealistic expectations regarding fidelity etc. ...and it kind of reinforces a script that has, in the past, resulted in me getting involved with men who made it very clear that I shouldn't have any expectations of them. I suppose that it's human nature to focus on that which reinforces what you already believe rather than working on changing patterns of thinking which aren't doing you any good.
sb129 Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I know what you are saying Lindya. I don't think you necessarily should differentiate between trusting someone and having certain expectations of them. "Overly high" expectations are subjective, and when people have been hurt by someone, they can have a tendency to project expectations onto the next R as a result of that, which is totally natural. I know that to my BF, for me to expect him to be faithful is a reasonable expectation in his eyes, and I know he expects the same from me. Its not a sense of "entitlement" as such- its just a ground rule. WB made his feelings about infidelity very very clear to me from very early on, and its good to know. Other people would place increased or decreased importance on it due to their values and past experiences. We have talked alot a bit about past experiences, and what we expect from eachother in our current R, etc etc, and being able to talk about it is great. Although having said that, even though he knows I expect him to put his breakfast dishes in the dishwasher before going to work, it doesn't always happen..
lindya Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I know what you are saying Lindya. I don't think you necessarily should differentiate between trusting someone and having certain expectations of them. "Overly high" expectations are subjective, and when people have been hurt by someone, they can have a tendency to project expectations onto the next R as a result of that, which is totally natural. I know that to my BF, for me to expect him to be faithful is a reasonable expectation in his eyes, and I know he expects the same from me. Its not a sense of "entitlement" as such- its just a ground rule. WB made his feelings about infidelity very very clear to me from very early on, and its good to know. Other people would place increased or decreased importance on it due to their values and past experiences. We have talked alot a bit about past experiences, and what we expect from eachother in our current R, etc etc, and being able to talk about it is great. Although having said that, even though he knows I expect him to put his breakfast dishes in the dishwasher before going to work, it doesn't always happen.. Haha. Thanks sb129 - I found that a really helpful post. I agree that the whole "sense of entitlement" thing is extremely subjective. I should add that the guys I'm thinking of, who inadvertently encouraged that destructive thinking I have, didn't view my desire for fidelity as unreasonable. It was more a case of giving me the message that "it's understandable, it's reasonable....but realistically, you're not going to get that from me, and to be honest - most men will cheat." If you know other couples who are happy, and who are faithful to eachother (and I know plenty) the depressing subtext you tend pick up from that is "most men will cheat - on you, at least. You're not special enough for anyone to be faithful to you." The various cheating threads have really made me think about this lately, and I was talking about the cheating thing to a friend yesterday. She was really driving home the message that "you can have that man who believes in fidelity. It is possible, and you do deserve it." Another friend, meantime, is very much stuck in the same kind of thinking as me just now, due to too many years spent in an "open" relationship that left her feeling pretty sh*t about herself. She's getting out of that pattern of thinking with the help of a new man - so I guess it is possible.
Citizen Erased Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 100%. He has never shown me anything but love, respect, and he has always been faithful to me. Unless he proves otherwise he has done nothing to not have my trust. And he is more trustworthy then I am when it comes to feeding the animals etc lol
sb129 Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 If you know other couples who are happy, and who are faithful to eachother (and I know plenty) the depressing subtext you tend pick up from that is "most men will cheat - on you, at least. You're not special enough for anyone to be faithful to you." We both know thats not true Lindya. You are far too sensible and intelligent woman to truly believe that nagging little voice in the back of your head. Isn't it sad how many smart, amazing women have that little voice? I used to, and still do sometimes, although now its more to do with my career than anything else. Now consider yourself slapped on the back of the hand. You ARE special.
laRubiaBonita Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 i trust my SO pretty near 100% in being faithful and all that. i have no reason not to trust him. i have been cheated on in past relationships, but that was those guys, not the one i have now. maybe a little less in other areas, like allina was saying, especially being on time, he is 80% on that.
allina Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Personally, I think to trust 100% is flirting with disaster. We begin to trust too much and when something goes awry, we have difficulty forgiving because we have blinded ourselves into putting our partners on a pedestal. You are talking more about blind faith and someone unrealistic, that's very different from how and why I trust my SO. I have every reason to trust him and no reasons not to. Also if things ever changed and I did not have reason to trust him 100% I would not continue to blindly trust him.
Lostgurl Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 No, I have trust issues, because he cheated in the beginning of our relationship. He says that it was before he commited himself to me, but no ground rules were set. He called me his girlfriend, so i thought that meant it was safe to call it a relationship. Once i start seeing someone, I don't see anyone else. So, I am confused about all of that. Sometimes i trust him and other times, I think back and remember finding condoms on his coffee table after a night of partying AFTER he supposedly committed himself to me, and other things of that nature. I worry at times if my heart is safe.. But this story is so old. lol There's no doubt that he's committed to me now. I guess I shouldn't worry about things like that, but sometimes i just can't help it.
Author IpAncA Posted August 31, 2007 Author Posted August 31, 2007 My trust fluctuate's depending on what it is. In terms of committment it's extremely high and when it comes to cleaning, it's low. Would I trust my life? 100%. Do I trust his word/what he says? Depends on what it is. Would be sweet if 100% fell into everything.
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