Author ayn Posted September 1, 2007 Author Posted September 1, 2007 I posted to share my "feelings", not start a debate. He told me that he had been with another patient a few months prior to me and that she left her husband and moved out of state. Well, I almost did the same to be free. In the beginnig I saw my father in him, in many ways. I tried to talk with him about it because I thought my attraction had something to do with that. He would not talk about it and said that sometimes people are just attracted to each other. Yes, he did groom me. Yes, I am an adult. Yes, I wanted to be with him. It is not uncommom to fall in love with your therapist. It is the therapists job to re direct and help patients figure out how to process feelings. When I went to see him one of my sons had just attempted his second suicide attemp (very serious) and was put in the state hospital, another 19yo son on the streets on drugs, best friend dieing in the hospital, buisness in bancrupsy, problems with husband, hitting a midlife crises etc... I could go on and on. Let me say that it was the most vulnerable period of my life and I needed help. This violation that occurred began months prior to getting physical. I do believe he knew what he was doing and it has taken me over 70 hours of intensive outpatinet therapy to realize this. I wanted to "protect" him and have had fear of being attacked, just like some have on this board. It does not matter. Yes, it is similar to rape. I was raped emotionally and have the same fear of prosecution that a rape victim has. The law suit is NOT about money for me. I make 6 figures a year and so does my husband. It is about protection future women and re claiming myself. This man needs to feel some pain. My husband and family have gone through hell. I don't even know if it was an affair. I do know I was addicted and could not get free and would either be in a mental hospital, seperated from DH or dead if DH had not found out. I just never really understood what addiction was or how a woman could go so off the deep end. Well, I do now. Thank you for the support that some of you have given to me. I do appreciate it. I am doing better and I am going to get through this. My DH has been great. My seperation from God was one of the worse things that occured during this time. I was to ashamed to even pray. I now have my peace, which was also gone. Therapists are suppose to help their clients. If the therapist is in over their head, they refer them out.... not continue to lure them in.
frannie Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 I haven't read all of the thread, but I just wanted to say I'm completely disgusted with what your therapist did. I can't believe he's even still practicing as he's done this TWICE..?? If there's any way you can let people in authority know what's going on then please do... save someone else suffering like this. The man was supposed to be there to help you not wreck your life.
Tsuki no Michi Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Hi, For information on how to go about filing an ethical complaint about the therapist to the ACA (American Counseling Association - I assume you're in the USA), the following link is a layperson's handbook on basic counseling ethics, but it also has within it a phone number to call and an email contact as well. They should be able to give you some advice on how to proceed: http://www.counseling.org/Files/FD.ashx?guid=606b5973-315c-4118-8b2c-2fbfd8194f82 Also, the link to the ACA Ethics page is here: http://www.counseling.org/Resources/CodeOfEthics/TP/Home/CT2.aspx For what it's worth, you have my sincere sympathy and prayers for what happened as well as for your own and your family's healing. No one should be taken advantage of in such a manner and I'm sorry it happened to you. TNM
luvmy2ns Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 It's funny that you didn't see the part where I called him a creep and placed blame on him etc. way above the part where you bolded my words and said that was the first time I did... You know, as SOON as I had posted that, I saw the one comment about him being a creep and tried to edit and bold that as well. But A75 was too quick and crushed your previous post with some well verbalized thoughts of her own. However, that was the ONLY other negative thing you had to say about the guy. Hee heeeee! I KNEW you were gonna grasp at that straw and try to point that out.
luvmy2ns Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 I agree with you 100%, its about revenge, and she is afraid of H, I agree the doc is a jerk, but she started A after she stopped going to therapy, and if she didnt get caught, affair would be still going on.... Can you please point out to me where she said that?
luvmy2ns Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 I don't know about the lawsuit, but client/therapist relationships, especially sexual ones are a severe violation of the counseling code of ethics and he can easily lose his license over the matter. It's also a gross abuse of his power within the C-T relationship. Granted, if he's in a state that allows unlicensed therapists to practice then it won't do much good, but I'd do it anyway. The standard for being able to enter into such relationships with someone who was once his client is 2 *years*, not a measly six months as in your case. Anyway, just FYI. TNM I had posted the portion of the code of ethics for therapists earlier in this thread, and you are absolutely correct. And the two years is acceptable ONLY in very extenuating circumstances, as also pointed out in the code of ethics. The man should be denied the right to practice anywhere ever again. As for the OP being guilty, she is dealing with that within her marriage, and that's the only place where it can be addressed. You can't sue a person in court and win a money judgement for f'ing you, but if the therapist wants to try, he's more than welcome.
smoochygirl Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 I quit seeing him as a client in January and we had sex the end of March until July, when my husband read emails via a bug he placed on my computer months prior. Here in her Own words, she quit seeing him as client when they had the affair.
Mino Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 I quit seeing him as a client in January and we had sex the end of March until July, when my husband read emails via a bug he placed on my computer months prior. Here in her Own words, she quit seeing him as client when they had the affair. Thank you,for pulling this up:D
frannie Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 I quit seeing him as a client in January and we had sex the end of March until July, when my husband read emails via a bug he placed on my computer months prior. Here in her Own words, she quit seeing him as client when they had the affair. They had sex for the first time barely two months after she stopped seeing him as a client. Two years too early for it to be even remotely professionally ethical for him to do such a thing. And sex is not the be all and end all of an affair. In her first post she describes plenty of inappropriate behaviour on his part, such as hugging her, emailing and out-of-hours meetings. He was well out of order. WELL out.
Guest Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Ayn, I feel your pain and confusion. Unless you've been in that type of situation it's easy to judge from the outside and say that you would never do that. The therapist/patient relationship is like that of a parent/child, preacher/congregant. You are tied to this person like no other because you have opened up to him/her like you have no one else. Many clients fall in love with their therapists for this reason and they know that they should resist. These feelings come from somewhere and should be discussed. But they're human too and problems are sure to come up. Sometimes countert - transference occurs and the therapist projects feelings that he has onto the patient. Every case like this is different, sometimes the therapist is weak, or incompetent, or a sociopath, and sometimes it's the patient who is a sociopath. And maybe sometimes the feelings are real and both are weak. But there is no doubt that the feelings are strong and addictive, because it's like a fantasy being played out behind closed doors. I'm going through a slightly similar situation and am so confused about it I don't know which way to turn. I'm afraid that it will destroy me.
Tsuki no Michi Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 The man should be denied the right to practice anywhere ever again. Unfortunately, that isn't always enforceable in the counseling profession. There are numerous places that still allow therapists to practice without a license to begin with. If he resides in such a locale, taking it away will not do much to him really. And if he already is one of those unlicensed individuals then unless he commited a criminal offense, which it appears he did not, then there is unfortunately nothing you can do at all to censure him. It's not right, but that's a consequence of society not seeing the counseling profession as a "real" medical field. Anyway, that's another matter altogether. I would still recommend the OP contact the ACA and find out what to do. It can't hurt, and at least in some places it may actually have the desired effect. TNM
smoochygirl Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Thank you,for pulling this up:D Your welcome mino. Ill do anything for this thread anyway:lmao:
Jinnah Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 My seperation from God was one of the worse things that occured during this time. I was to ashamed to even pray. I now have my peace, which was also gone. This is all that matters, Ayn... forgiveness from God and peace. It sounds like you know the seriousness of what went on and have made things right with God. Pray to Him and ask Him to lead you in the steps that need to be taken (whether or not it is to proceed with any legal steps). Make sure anything you do is not out of anger, but out of what is just. Don't be ashamed to pray ever. Be glad that you have a wonderful husband that forgave you and work on strengthening your marriage. This website is for discussion, and I realize that some opinions may make the OP feel bad instead of helping. I am sorry if my words were harsh... I did not mean them to be. I was just unsure of whether you realized what your part in this was... BUT that's not for me to decide anyway, that's for God to decide, so I apologize. I'm sorry if I was judgemental or made you feel bad. I know that most people's posts (including mine) were to debate with other posters, not you.
Guest Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 wouldn't she have a case if she would have realized before the affair that..."hey, this man is trying to take advantage of me...i'm married...i'm going to sue him and find a real therapist..." that would really help her case. but.... she said that she stopped being his client, and then pursued a relationship. they were both wrong!!! she f*cked him A LOT and then said "i'm gonna sue" when her hubby found out. sounds like she's just being vindictive. i don't care how long who has worked in criminal justice. the truth is the truth whether the jury says it is or not. whether she wins this case or not, she still should have said something before the affair if she was really mad at him for that.
Author ayn Posted September 3, 2007 Author Posted September 3, 2007 Thanks. DH has been very angry and does not want to touch me or get near me. He says he does not feel the same for me. I don't know if this is going to last or something he must go through. He does not want to leave me and says he loves me but that the passion has left and he just does not feel the same. I have no choice but to sit and be patient.
Jinnah Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 Thanks. DH has been very angry and does not want to touch me or get near me. He says he does not feel the same for me. I don't know if this is going to last or something he must go through. He does not want to leave me and says he loves me but that the passion has left and he just does not feel the same. I have no choice but to sit and be patient. I think that it's something he is just going to have to (sadly) go through. Keep praying... that's the most important thing to do. Count your blessings... at least he still loves you and does not want to leave. Is there a sane marriage counselor that you two can go to together? Or would going to a counselor make it worse? What about church counseling? They're great and know how to deal with anything. Also, I'm sure there are numerous books on the subject that would help.
sadbuttrue Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 i just wanted to tell you that i am in your therapy group and that i have found a lot of help here. i rely on this site a lot of lonely nights to keep myself sane anyway, that is all i wanted to tell you. i hope you find this site to be as useful as i have.
Author ayn Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 I have a good friend who is a christian and she prays with me and for me. I don't feel safe in telling anyone from church. My therapy group seems to be a safe place with people who are non-jugmental and that is what I need right now. I have been hard enough on myself. I am an avid reader and have been reading books on the subject. So far the 12 step recovery books are helping me the most. I have been working the steps, seeing a good therapist in town (so is DH) and going to group I have been honest with myself and others, which is part of my recovery and making myself accountable to others. Thanks for the posts.
whichwayisup Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Thanks. DH has been very angry and does not want to touch me or get near me. He says he does not feel the same for me. I don't know if this is going to last or something he must go through. He does not want to leave me and says he loves me but that the passion has left and he just does not feel the same. I have no choice but to sit and be patient. No, you have a choice to fix yourself, and show your husband that you're worthy of a chance to make things right again. To sit patiently isn't a good idea...Show him in words and in actions that you are doing all that is necessary to change, to do anything he asks of you. Hopefully you two can go to marriage counselling.
Author ayn Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 Yes, that is true and I have been going the extra mile. I know that he needs to feel like he is the most important person in my life. We had our first truly intimate contact Labor Day. Something broke for both of us when we were able to come together again I have been doing things like I use to do when we dated.... making him feel special etc.... the things that somehow get dropped after 17 years, six kids, work..... etc.. I don't know that I feel worthy of too much right now but I am making an attempt to put him first, be totally honest with him about how I am feeling, answering all of his questions, going to therapy, and making myself vulnerable to him again Our marriage was not doing well before the relationship with my therapist. I didn't feel very attractive or special anymore. We have been able to work on many things since the affair was exposed. I NEVER thought that I would have an affair, but through all of this I have realized that I am not above anything. I am as human as anyone else. Any pride that I had about being "good" flew out the window. I have been humbled and hope that I will be percieved by others as more approachable than I use to be. Even though my heart is still hurting and I do still have feelings for him, I am able to appreciate and love my DH in a new way. Had I not devulged my most intimate thoughts and feelings to this OM I don't think I would have been comfortable enough to gone through with what I did. There were so many intracate psycological aspects of our relationship that it defies what could be called normal. I went to him for help and it turned into a nightmare, I bought several books on woman and addiction before DH found out about things. I knew I was in over my head and addicted to everything about the OM. I did not know how to break free and had made a decision to NEVER tell anyone about it. I seriously considered moving away, leaving my DH because I thought it was the only way to be free of this man. I had passive thoughts of suicide and death wishes. It was a living hell what I was going through and I sat alone with my tears and pain, afraid to tell anyone at church for fear of being judged. I was afraid to tell DH (the one person who could have helped me) because of shame, wanting to protect OM, and fear of what he might do. I did pray, but it was always the same.... HELP.. I would feel like I made a breakthrough only to give in to my temptaion to call him or go with him when he called me. Weakness is not the word... addiction is the word. He was my drug and I could not live with out it. After DH found out about it (bugged my computer and had photos of emails), we went to intensive therapy in AZ.. over 60 hours. I had been there years ago for over 300 hours.. dealing with rejection and abandonment issues. They were most helpful, but nothing takes the hurt away except time. DH sent him an email over the weekend telling him he was "toast" and he responded to it yesterday. He asked for mercy and said that he would like to know what to expect so that he can brace himself and his family. He also said that he thought any exposure would only cause more pain.... to everyone. DH feels that he is manipulative. There was no apoligy to him or acknowledgement about crossing boundries and hurting me. Not sure what DH is going to do. I would still like to move. One day at a time. I don't want revenge. I don't want him to do this to any more patients. I don't want to see him again or hear his voice again. I think I could crumble if I did.
Jinnah Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Ayn, it sounds like you've come a long way... good luck and God bless.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Thanks. DH has been very angry and does not want to touch me or get near me. He says he does not feel the same for me. I don't know if this is going to last or something he must go through. He does not want to leave me and says he loves me but that the passion has left and he just does not feel the same. I have no choice but to sit and be patient. Why hasnt he ended the marraige? Is he trying to stay for the children? Is it financial?
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