shadowplay Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 If you've followed my threads, you know I've been dating this guy I really like for two months. We're "officially" bf/gf at this point, and things seem to be going well. We just moved to LD with weekend visits, and he seems commmitted. I've never put nearly this much effort into a relationship. The guys I dated in the past I simply didn't care about as much, so didn't try as hard to make things work. This sounds terrible but I ended up using them to validate my insecurities because I wasn't so interested in whether our relationship worked but what they thought of me. I feel really guilty about it, and have vowed never to make that mistake again now that I know what the real thing is like. To be fair they mostly turned out to be not so nice people who treated me badly from the start but I continued to date because I was desperate to win them over. I have a great deal of respect for this new guy, and he seems like a good person as far as I can tell. So I've kept all of my insecurities under wraps and haven't indulged any of my strong urges to seek validation. Yet another problem has cropped up. I'm scared because I know this guy has the power to completely devestate me were he to end things. I've gotten a taste of that devestation on a couple of occasions where he was out of contact and I feared the worst. I literally lost it...couldn't function, crawled into my bed and turned the lights out. I tried desperately to distract myself but nothing worked. All I remember is this feeling of utter emptiness and abandonment. i felt like he was hitching this wagon into the sunset -- representing the bright future -- and leaving me behind. I was certain my life was completely empty and there was nothing to look forward to without him. And somehow it felt like was taking with him any chance I had of a happy future. Like there was only one seat left on the bus to happyland he took it instead of me. Weird, huh? The strange thing is it's not like I felt this way about my life before I met him. I was mildly depressed, but it's odd that I would feel worse off at the prospect of losing him than I did before I had him at all. It seems bizarre and unhealthy that the idea of losing somebody I've been with for two months could send me into such despair. So I'm wondering...Is it even a mistake to be in a relationship with somebody who has this amount of power over me? Or is there a way of making myself not care so much? It seems like I depend on him to be a source of fufillment and happiness in my life, filling in some void. When I try to build up my life by doing hobbies or good things for myself it doesn't give me the sense of pleasure I get in his presence. In fact it only leaves me feeling more empty. It's funny to talk about this stuff and then think of him blissfully unaware, going about his business in NY. He has no sense of how neurotic or obsessive I am and would probably be shocked (rightfully so) if he ever read this.
norajane Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Is it even a mistake to be in a relationship with somebody who has this amount of power over me?He doesn't have power over you - you have given your power away, you have pinned all your hopes and happiness and joy on him. This will ultimately fail because NO ONE can be totally responsible for your happiness. Obviously, you need to work on whatever your issues are that cause you to be depressed. Because THIS: I'm scared because I know this guy has the power to completely devestate me were he to end things. I've gotten a taste of that devestation on a couple of occasions where he was out of contact and I feared the worst. I literally lost it...couldn't function, crawled into my bed and turned the lights out. I tried desperately to distract myself but nothing worked. All I remember is this feeling of utter emptiness and abandonment. is unbelievably unhealthy!
jcster Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Well, at least you know that you have a problem. I'm amazed that so many people come on here and insist that what you are feeling is "true love." Norajane is right, you've given your power away. You said you were depressed before you got together with this guy. Did you ever resolve that? Or did this guy provide the distraction from your life that you were looking for? If you work on your life, this panic will go away. But only if you concentrate on yourself (NOT distract yourself - actually do the work).
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