In a no win situation

[trkelly901]

Ok here we go........about 14 years ago I lived in Japan and I met a woman from Australia who was there as a student. We quickly fell in love and I spent every waking moment with her for the next 2 years.

 

It was then that she had to go back to Australia and 6 months later I went back to the USA. We stayed in contact during this time and I was secretly planning to ask her to marry me so we could spend the rest of our lives together but being young (I was 21 and she was 23) we both let school take priority (not a bad thing) and stopped communicating so much. Eventually we both had "friends" that we confided in and one day I get a letter that she is going to marry her "friend" needless to say I was crushed and instead of doing the right thing and professing my love for her and even being crazy enough to fly out to Australia I instead married my "friend" too.

 

Now to get everyone caught up I've never stopped loving her and unfortunately I've never loved my current wife and "friend" the same way. So about 6 years about I wrote a letter and eventually we spoke on the phone to get caught up on our lives and I made what I thought at the time was a mistake by professing my love to her, this was met by her never wanting to speak to me again. I was hurt obviously but then decided to move on with my life but even then I still knew she was the one for me and always has been so i never stopped thinking of her.

 

Now bringing it to present day about 2 weeks ago I get an email from her basically wanting to see how I've been doing over the years so I replied to her and in the next week through email it turns out that she too has never stopped thinking about me and only got angry at me for professing my love before because her not wanting to hurt her husband and then at the time 2 children because she felt the same way I did

 

So just two days ago we actually spoke on the phone which was the first time we spoke in 6 years and I think we both have huge regrets. She told me when she got married she could only think of me on her wedding day and that her current husband is a good friend but doesnt give her the spark that we both shared. I too unfortunately feel the same way.

 

So here we both stand with marriages that have lasted for 10 years and 5 children between us. I love my wife and kids and she loves her husband and her children but we both love each other. I was driving to lunch earlier today and burst into tears because the woman I consider the love of my life, soul mate, and best friend is someone who is literally on the other side of the world and someone that I cannot have.

 

I feel like such a bastard for feeling this way because my wife is a great woman and would never hurt me but I cannot help my feelings and it is literally tearing me up inside.

 

I know the solution is to move on and not even talk to my ex but if I do I feel like a part of my soul will go with her and I feel so sad and my mind tells me one thing but my heart says another

[katla]

I have no doubt that you and this woman shared a special connection with one another. However, you made the choice to marry another and have children, and as a responsible adult you need to face the consequences of your decision to become a father and raise a family with your current wife. If not for anyone else, do it for the sake of your kids, who are wholly dependent upon you. Don't break up something you've taken years to build all for the sake of one person. Cut off ties with her, cherish the memories you shared with her, be a man, and move on.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Wow, that is such a sad story. I feel for you, trkelly.

 

But there are a few things about this story that raise questions in my mind.

 

One: Her marrying her "friend" in the first place. I don't understand it. When you really love somebody, you don't just go ahead and marry another. No matter what the geographical distance is. As long as the other partner reflects your feelings, you will stay your course.

 

Perhaps she was more practical in her approach at that time. Which was not wrong, on her part. But when we make a supremely important choice like marriage, we have to be ready to stick with our choice later down the road.

 

Two: Her response to your confession of love took six years. Six years. For heaven's sake, that's a long time. If I felt that strongly about someone, I wouldn't even wait six months to disclose it. Because if I waited too long, then I know that time will pass us by and the opportunity would be lost. I wouldn't be able to rewind everything and bring that person back.

 

Her coming back to you after six years...it makes me wonder if it's really only because she loves you. Perhaps she's going through a difficult phase / a depressive phase in her life. She could be reconnecting with you to put that spark back in her life. It's not a crime for her to want to do that. But it still stands that she's reviving this because she wants "more" in her life.

 

Three: You already know what repurcussions there will be if you both go ahead with this. It's not fair on your respective spouses and children.

 

It's all very well for these incidences to happen in movies and romantic novels. But in real life, it's not easy, the repurcussions run deep.

 

 

Lastly, about you feeling like you'll lose your soulmate. I've always been curious about this concept of soulmates, and consequently have delved into the subject quite a bit. For the record, I'm somewhat skeptical of most of the theories - but nevertheless, I'll share what I know:

 

We have more than one kind of soulmate in our lives. Romantic soulmates are just one variety. There are others that become part of our lives and influence us in different ways. The bond you share with each soulmate is different (your wife, your children, your close friends).

 

Some soulmates come into our lives for a short time. They finish their purpose, and then they move away. Or, you have to let go of them. That's the lesson that they were meant to teach us: to learn to let go.

 

 

Trkelly, you'll have to move on. It will be very tough, but it's the best for everyone.

 

Good luck.

[Curious139]

I commend and agree with the two thoughtful posts above. Read them again.

 

If you thought you were alone, you are not. I've just been there and done that.....and the pain I'm going through as a result is profound. Two months of severe depression, suicidal thoughts etc, which is only just lifting, and who has nursed me through this?? My wonderful betrayed wife.

 

I loved my girlfriend 25 years ago. Time went on, I met and eventually married my wife. However although I loved her, it was friendship, there was no passion or romance on my part. She certainly loved me. We have three children who are our treasure.

 

In the meantime my g/f and I exchanged Christmas cards, met a few times over the years but barely stayed in touch.

 

She also married a friend but again there was no spark. She (like me) just drifted into it. She has 4 children.

 

18 months ago she couldn't tolerate a dead marriage and separated. A year ago she visited me and it was like an electric shock. There was a chemistry between us which stopped me eating for a week. My marriage was very sad by that time. No abuse, no anger, the children were happy, but we weren't.

 

So after a week I emailed her saying how I felt........and we commenced a long distance affair. Passionate, romantic, everything I'd missed for more than 20 years.

 

I'll continue in the next post.

[Curious139]

We met up for 4 days and it was surreal. After a short time I told my wife because I'm fundamentally honest and had to tell her. She was devastated but didn't throw me out because we wanted to work on our marriage.

 

I visited my love twice more and enjoyed being with her every time. This was the girl for me, my one true love. But - and this is critical, I felt enormous guilt regarding my wonderful wife, and our children whom I love dearly. So I kept going back........

 

The result is my love felt abandoned and rejected. Eventually she decided to try internet dating and in two weeks meet a new man. I lost her just at the point I was going to leave my wife. I am in despair. The heartbreak of losing someone whom I had such dreams of being with is more than I can express.

 

Through counselling I've come to realise I was trying to be the good guy for everyone - and it wasn't possible. I should have taken the hard decision and gone to my love.

 

What is more, my wife now knows I love another and can't get past that so she thinks we can't survive as a couple. She may be right. It is all very sad.

 

So the moral of the tale is you should tread very carefully. Write your thoughts down in a journal over days, weeks. It helps. Think through the consequences both for you and the other family. This could be a tragedy for all of you.

 

Your feelings may be more the result of sadness in your marriage. I strongly suggest counselling before you make any decisions. I can tell you now, once on that path nothing will ever be the same.

[tinke]

i do believe people attempt to rekindle what once was, but, we cannot go back to the past. in the meantime, our lives change, we as individuals change and we are no longer the same people as before.

 

it may be wonderful to fantasize, and the passion may even sustain a few brief encounters..but, reality is that through experiences and growth, we branch out to different beings.

 

be sure you are not caught up in the excitement of re-living those memories, put to the test..it may not be what you remember or short lived. yes, you recall those wonderful times, but you had been apart for many years and had not experienced the hardships of a relationship, as you have with your wife. so, certainly, the g.f. appears (on the surface) much more appealing.

 

think this one out.