Moving Forward Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I'll give the abreviated version (yes, this is the short version) ... 2 1/2 weeks ago my wife said that she wanted a separation, that she didn't love me any more. Needless to say, I took this pretty hard as I had not seen it coming. We are still living in the same house and our youngest doesn't even know there is anything going on. She is sleeping in a different room but only goes there after he goes to bed and is at work long before he gets up. She does not want to sell our house but has begun the transition of splitting our wages and dividing the expenses, so she does feel very strongly about this (not that I had any illusions about that at all). I am trying to be as supportive as I can be and I agree that we need our space as we (individually) try to work through the issues. She has been seeing a councelor for a couple of months and came to this realization in June ... but with everything going on at the time (our 20th wedding anniversary in July, mine and my oldest sons birthdays, a planned vacation with extended family), she held on to this for several months. She does not want to see a couples counselor since she believes we are over. I understand that we have grown and become different people. I also understand that I have become someone I don't want to be. Unfortunately, it has taken this tragic event for me to take a good hard look at myself and realize that I wasn't happy either - not happy with myself, not happy with my relationship with my children, and not happy with my side of things in my marriage (the side of things that are me). I also realize that nothing short of her saying "stop" like this would have caused me to do this. I immediately started taking a good hard look at who I had become and started the process of changing. Getting rid of the anger (not sure where , dealing with my other issues, becoming the person I want to be. I think I have made some very solid progress so far. My wife and I have talked more in this time than we probably did in the past 6 months and that is great. She maintains that she still doesn't love me and does not expect that to change. I have told her that I still love her (with all of my heart and everything that I am) and while I am making these changes for me, I'm also making them for us. This is much harder than anything I could have ever imagined. I know that I will be much better for it, I will be a better person, I will have a better, closer, stronger relationship with my kids, and my wife and I will (at the very least) be on my better terms, better friends than we have been in some time. I am however, hoping beyond hope, that she can see the changes and know that I am a different person and will be able to give me and us another chance. After 20 years of marriage and another 3 1/2 years before that, we have a lot of good things to look back on. I just hope she can see past her unhappiness to what we could have again. I have my first appointment with a counselor today and look forward to it with some trepedation. I want to do this but it does scare me. 3 weeks ago I never would have done this, willingly or otherwise. Now, I can't wait to continue moving forward as all of this does feel right, I do feel better (beyond the separation of course). I plan to see if (after a period of time) that she would be willing to go "on a date" with me ... to see if we could start over again. Time will tell.
Gunny376 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 You've got the right idea ~ you've got to work on yourself, your life ~ figure out who and what you are ~ FIRST! You've got zero chance with the wife ~ or anyone else until you've done so. You really can't grow without the pain! Pain is Life's way of telling you that you need to make some changes!
NSBR Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Man, I'm really sorry that this has happened. I'm 16 years into mine and had my wake up call about 8 months ago. Gunny is dead on. Start with yourself and figure out where you can do better, but also look at the great things you have done. You've made through 20 years of marriage, you're raising children, you're supporting your family. Those are not things to downplay! You could be doing 99 things dead on perfect, but there might be 1 thing you're not doing that is the most important to your wife. But...how in the world would you know? Your wife has been having these feelings for some time now and they are NOT going to be changing any time soon, if at all. Be careful about what you do next, because buddy, it will almost certainly make things worse. I tried dates, flowers, kind words, promises, and it got WORSE. I know how hard it is because you REALLY WANT TO SHOW HER THAT YOU ARE COMMITTED, WANT TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER, AND THAT YOU WILL BE A BETTER HUSBAND. Unfortunately, it is too late for that. That was probably the most frustrating thing for me. Spouses who have lost that feeling will see that as reactionary and not the REAL you. It is a totally helpless feeling when you watch them spiral away from you and all the plans and changes you want to show are met with coldness. Respect your wife. Realize that your wife is a strong person who decided to do something about the unhappiness in her life. Also realize that she will be seeing everything that is NOT you as better RIGHT NOW. It is going to take a really long time, but for now, let her have that space and start planning for a life that will, unfortunately, not involve her. In time, you need to start to realize that you are a good person who deserves happiness. At that point, you will need to decide if you, she, or both of you are really committed to making things work. This is a ways off and after just 2 1/2 weeks you are just getting started. Let yourself run through then emotions and then start picking yourself up and start working on you, not the marriage.
Gunny376 Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Man, I'm really sorry that this has happened. I'm 16 years into mine and had my wake up call about 8 months ago. Gunny is dead on. Start with yourself and figure out where you can do better, but also look at the great things you have done. You've made through 20 years of marriage, you're raising children, you're supporting your family. Those are not things to downplay! You could be doing 99 things dead on perfect, but there might be 1 thing you're not doing that is the most important to your wife. But...how in the world would you know? Your wife has been having these feelings for some time now and they are NOT going to be changing any time soon, if at all. Be careful about what you do next, because buddy, it will almost certainly make things worse. I tried dates, flowers, kind words, promises, and it got WORSE. I know how hard it is because you REALLY WANT TO SHOW HER THAT YOU ARE COMMITTED, WANT TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER, AND THAT YOU WILL BE A BETTER HUSBAND. Unfortunately, it is too late for that. That was probably the most frustrating thing for me. Spouses who have lost that feeling will see that as reactionary and not the REAL you. It is a totally helpless feeling when you watch them spiral away from you and all the plans and changes you want to show are met with coldness. Respect your wife. Realize that your wife is a strong person who decided to do something about the unhappiness in her life. Also realize that she will be seeing everything that is NOT you as better RIGHT NOW. It is going to take a really long time, but for now, let her have that space and start planning for a life that will, unfortunately, not involve her. In time, you need to start to realize that you are a good person who deserves happiness. At that point, you will need to decide if you, she, or both of you are really committed to making things work. This is a ways off and after just 2 1/2 weeks you are just getting started. Let yourself run through then emotions and then start picking yourself up and start working on you, not the marriage. I read this? And I WAS back in Saigon and Beruit again and other places I've sworned not to talk about until I'm 99 years old! Its hard! All day hard! Its hard being a good man! An honorable man! I read about Mamamax, and Mel, and such, and I think ~WTF?
Author Moving Forward Posted September 1, 2007 Author Posted September 1, 2007 Thanks for the comments NSBR (I think) ... I am working on me but I am holding out hope and nothing anyone says at this point is going to change that. We talk more than we have in a long time and we are more open and honest as well. She is a fantastic woman that I want back in my life. Period. I am doing what I am doing for me and part of that includes changing to be the person she needs and wants ... that will be a really good person and that is the person I want to be. Sure, I'm not all bad ... but I'm going to "fix" me as I too deserve to be happy about who I am (and I haven't been for a while).
Psch1968 Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Sorry to hear your hurt. I am 4 weeks in, and feel exactly like you (I could have written those words) - but the advice here will help, you have friends who are all going through the same thing on here, and while you will not like some of the feeback, open your mind to it. I can tell you that while I also hope, really hope, I have achieved some peace by realising that she may never come home, and that in facing up to that reality, I have realised that by becoming the better man and changing my life as you also aspire to do, we can i) be happier, ii) comfort ourselves that we did everything possible to save our marriage, and iii) move on with the comfort that there WILL be somone else worth loving who will want to love us, as that new man. I can feel and know the pain you are going through - but my first advice is to read, read, and read some more - 'Tough Love' by James Dobson, 'Starting Over' by the MAFM,WAFV people, and look at websites - MarriageBuilders, DivorceBusters, etc - all are useful - and get reading Time will improve things even though right now, you dont feel it.
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