ellastar Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 so what about frienships with mutual friends or exes family members? i have mutual friends who have sought out contact with me, but they are honest and say they still see him. this has hurt me - he still has people over for dinner and BBQs and the only piece missing in the equation is me. they say they miss me, too, but they say he is still a nice guy and like being with him (for the record, he gave no reasons for why he ended it with me after 2 years, 7 months living together. him: "it was a gut feeling that something was just not right. this was the best relationship i have ever had. you're the perfect type of woman for me. we fit so well together. maybe in 2 or 3 months i will know why." i had taken a new job in his town, moved in with him, left my old life behind to start a new one with him. he ended it 2 months ago.) and the exes family? his mother called me yesterday to see how i am doing and how the move went? i don't know. it's been 2 weeks of no contact (okay, 2 text messages on my side telling him i had moved out and he could come back to the apt & that i had borrowed his tools, but i would return them in a week or two). but as far as staying friends? if it was a one-sided break-up and you're still in love with him/her, then no. it won't work. it only hurts when they look at you a certain way or hug or touch you or whatever. if it were mutual, or have some other extraordinary circumstances, then maybe. they broke up with you! they once took a look at you and saw that you were no longer important in their lives! why would you want to be friends with them? if you're not longer important to them as a lover/partner, how would you ever be important to them as a friend? but admittedly, i am struggling with this too. but as much as i loved him and as much as i am still hurting over 2 months since the break-up, i don't know. i want to say "no" to friendship because of my pride and he has said he wants to be friends, but he admitted he stopped seeing me as a priority in his life. why? who knows. the fact that this is what happend, is enough for me to really question ever being his friend again.
Trialbyfire Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 It is hard to be friends initially, but I do think you can grow into a "friends" status. It is rare for a relationship to seamlessly morph from romantic to friendly. In my experience it is better to not have much contact initially. I don't consider my exes as friends, but I am cordial with all of them. If one person still has romantic feelings or lingering pain from the breakup (which can last for several years) it is best to keep a big distance. I completely agree with the bolded portions but am friends with most of my exes, including my ex-H. Once the stronger emotions, both positive and negative are gone, you can be friends, as long as you still like and/or respect them as people. Also, people dump others for a reason. If the person has made sufficient changes within themselves, you may find that you begin to like and respect them anew. Having said that, I'm not a second chance person. Exes are exes for a reason(s)...
oppath Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 The problem with those bolded parts is that some people, often the dumpers, don't seem to understand them. When I've told people "I need space, I can't be your friend, hell, I even need to drop you as a myspace friend temporarily until I can handle being just friends, because right now I am in pain," I've gotten "that's silly" and they don't give me space. With the girl I'm currently seeing, she is not yet my official girlfriend, but we were talking and I told her if she breaks up with me, and it is not mutual, I'd likely ask her not to contact me for a couple months, that I would let her know when and if I could be her friend. She didn't agree with that, thinking that if I loved her, and she needed me for some reason, she should be able to call, even if she dumped me, because it didn't mean she didn't care for me. What if she needed something? Well, "what about my needs?" I told her. "How is it ok for you to not give me what I need when I request it, when you were the one who hurt me? Why should I be available for your needs if you won't respect my needs?" She didn't get it. My last ex did not get it. I've always been polite and respectful, saying "I am in a lot of pain and can't handle being your friend right now until my feelings are gone. Please give me some space." They never do, and they never seem to understand why. It's quite simple: you can't be friends with someone you love and want a relationship with who does not feel the same about you. You can't hang out with someone you want to be with. You don't have to have total no contact, but there does need to be a period of a few months, even if you've only dated for a few months (and it was non-mutual) before you can be friends. The only women I've encountered who understand this are on LoveShack.
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