weffer25 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Hey guys Im new at this so any help would be great!! The short version is I started dating a friend it lasted almost 4 years and got very serious, needless to say it ended badly. Now he wants to be friends and I miss him terribly....my question is can you really be just friends after ending a serious relationship on not so great terms?? Any advice you can offer would be great and similar experiances welcome!! Thanks
sharp2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Hey guys Im new at this so any help would be great!! The short version is I started dating a friend it lasted almost 4 years and got very serious, needless to say it ended badly. Now he wants to be friends and I miss him terribly....my question is can you really be just friends after ending a serious relationship on not so great terms?? Any advice you can offer would be great and similar experiances welcome!! Thanks thats so difficult to answer..I truely can't imagine just being friends with my ex..purely because I still love her and thats after everything she has put me through, but then again thats my own personal view, maybe other people could accept the fact of becoming just friends, but once a physical bond has happened..how can someone just be friends, especially when emotion and then love are involved..or am I just being an old romantic..
Reactor Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 The question is....why would you want to be 'friends'? What does this person give you that you can't get somewhere else? Friends after a serious relationship is often done to make the dumper feel better. I sugguest you don't do it. Give it time and let the wound heal, then reflect (if you really want to) and decide with an open mind and perspective if you want that person as a friend. Right now, the break-up is fresh and will be for a very long time, I recommend you distance yourself from this person by going no contact. Tell him you need time to yourself, time to 'mull' it all over, then break all contact. Good luck, Reactor
Lyssa Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Hey guys Im new at this so any help would be great!! The short version is I started dating a friend it lasted almost 4 years and got very serious, needless to say it ended badly. Now he wants to be friends and I miss him terribly....my question is can you really be just friends after ending a serious relationship on not so great terms?? Any advice you can offer would be great and similar experiances welcome!! Thanks For me, my ex broke up with me after almost 3 years of dating but in good terms. Meaning it wasn't for the reason of us cheating on one another or anything along that line but because of his mother. Anyhow, it was quite difficult (actually, it WAS difficult) in the beginning. I only managed to be friends and hang out like we're great buddies after almost a year after the break up and well, I only got over him after 3 years. If you think you can't handle the after break-up friendship, then I suggest you tell him that it's not a good idea.
Curious139 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 The question is....why would you want to be 'friends'? What does this person give you that you can't get somewhere else? Friends after a serious relationship is often done to make the dumper feel better. I sugguest you don't do it. Give it time and let the wound heal, then reflect (if you really want to) and decide with an open mind and perspective if you want that person as a friend. Right now, the break-up is fresh and will be for a very long time, I recommend you distance yourself from this person by going no contact. Tell him you need time to yourself, time to 'mull' it all over, then break all contact. This is good advice. You can in time be friends with your ex but right now, you need some distance to let yourself heal. Otherwise every time you see him it is highly likely all your feelings of love and loss will resurface. In other words you will prolong your suffering which isn't good for you. No contact for say 3 months at least, maybe longer. Friendship can work but you need to look after yourself first. I'm friends with my very recent ex but she is a long way away and right now I'm conflicted as to whether I send her a chatty email today or not. Just to remind her I'm here. So I'm preaching NC to you while struggling with it myself. Go figure.
PoshPrincess Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Friends after a serious relationship is often done to make the dumper feel better. So true, IMO. I seriously don't think couples can be friends after a R because there are usually still feelings involved on one side, with that person always hoping that things will get back to the way they were. I stayed friends with my first BF (yes, mainly to ease my conscience and because I DID still care about the guy and couldn't imagine never seeing him again). This 'friendship' suited him all the time he thought we had a chance of getting back together, even when I found a new BF we remained friends. When he found a GF, however, it was a different story. He dropped me without a second thought, mainly because his GF wouldn't like him spending time with me. So friends, maybe, until a third party is involved. I can understand that you can't imagine not having him in your life, but it may delay the healing process for you if you stay in touch. I have tried doing the friends thing with someone that I was still in love with and it was pure torture!
Herzen Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 For the dumpee, friendship is a way to continue the relationship by other means. For the dumper, friendship is a way to assuage guilt or keep the dumpee hanging on as relationship insurance. My advice: cut the cord and find new relationships.
screamingoutlove Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 First off I want to say I'm sorry this happened to you and that things do get better later on with time. Friendship is what he's offering? Well, in my opinion, I don't think it's a good idea to be friends with him if you are still in love with him. Trust me, I know! It will just hurt you in the long run because you will keep thinking that there will be a second chance. I recently went through that situation. I was with a girl for 5 and a half years and we were serious, marriage, etc. She goes out of the country for 3 months for a college trip and she comes back not feeling the same about us. She gave me the, she needed space speech and that she loves me as a friend. She was 21 and I was 25 at that time. I was hurt, furious, and confused so I did what I can only think of and that was make no contact. I didn't accept her offer of friendship because I couldn't see her as a friend. I started to date other women, keep myself busy, and heal in the process. She heard about me dating other women and she contacts me after 4 months. We got into a big fight and I told her to stop bugging me because it's just one sided love. She said, "Who said I didn't love you? It's not one sided love!" So she offered friendship again, and being the idiot I am, I accepted and we talked and hung out...if felt like we were togther again. This went on for about a year....and I was waiting for her to finally say if we could try a second time, but it never came. I was frustrated and wanted to know if I was wasting my time, so last week, I asked her if we could try again. Well..I got rejected...all my hopes shattered and it felt like day one when I got dumped the first time. Honestly, how often do you see exes become friends and continue as friends? There may be some success stories, but its rare. Also, during the whole friendship fiasco, the dumpee only wants to remain friends in hopes that someday reconciliation will happen. Thats how I felt. Sorry if its long, but felt it would make more sense if I typed everything. Good luck to you
Lyssa Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 If it ended in bad terms, I don't think I can be friends with my ex. It'll be too hard but like my situation, it was pretty easy. We are still good friends even though we both have someone else in our lives. I think it depends on the situation.
Travis L Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 She gave me the, she needed space speech and that she loves me as a friend. She was 21 and I was 25 at that time. I was hurt, furious, and confused so I did what I can only think of and that was make no contact. I didn't accept her offer of friendship because I couldn't see her as a friend. I started to date other women, keep myself busy, and heal in the process. She heard about me dating other women and she contacts me after 4 months. Your name isn't Travis by any chance is it? lol.. I got the space speech after a 4 year relationship. Then I got the I love you but I'm not in love with you speech... We got into a big fight and I told her to stop bugging me because it's just one sided love. She said, "Who said I didn't love you? It's not one sided love!" So she offered friendship again, and being the idiot I am, I accepted and we talked and hung out...if felt like we were togther again. This went on for about a year....and I was waiting for her to finally say if we could try a second time, but it never came. I was frustrated and wanted to know if I was wasting my time, so last week, I asked her if we could try again. Well..I got rejected...all my hopes shattered and it felt like day one when I got dumped the first time. Honestly, how often do you see exes become friends and continue as friends? There may be some success stories, but its rare. Also, during the whole friendship fiasco, the dumpee only wants to remain friends in hopes that someday reconciliation will happen. Thats how I felt. Sorry if its long, but felt it would make more sense if I typed everything. Good luck to you Ugh, I'm in the middle of this mess right now... The whole do I become friends or not... I want reconciliation (I am the dumpee) and see friendship as a way to spend time with her so she can see the changes I have made... I told her I didn't want to talk to her for about 3 months unless she wants to start working on us. Then she continued calling after the agreement to not speak. I caved and told her we can continue to talk. Now, I'm regretting allowing her to break NC. She spent a night with me and had the nerve to cover her nipples when she got out of the shower...as if I hadn't seen every inch of her body for 4 years. Save yourself the hassle if you are seeking reconciliation. If you truly want him as a friend, give it a few months of NC and then reconsider.
screamingoutlove Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 I just wanted to share a song that fully expresses how I feel. I don't know if you heard it before, but here's a youtube video with the song and lyrics. Truly brilliant song.
dropdeadlegs Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 It is hard to be friends initially, but I do think you can grow into a "friends" status. It is rare for a relationship to seamlessly morph from romantic to friendly. In my experience it is better to not have much contact initially. I don't consider my exes as friends, but I am cordial with all of them. If one person still has romantic feelings or lingering pain from the breakup (which can last for several years) it is best to keep a big distance.
LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 I'm so depressed right now because not only am I losing someone I've been close to for the last 9 or so months, but also someone who was a close friend. But he hurt me in this relationship and I can't imagine ever being able to revert back to being friends with him. It will take awhile if ever. I don't know what hurts more, losing a lover or a friend.
Travis L Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 I don't know what hurts more, losing a lover or a friend. For me, I thought it was losing both... After 3 months of being broken up, I truly believe that the actual rejection and no longer being #1 on her list of priorities is what hurt the most. It feels awesome to be one of the most important people in one's life. I no longer have that person who I could talk to about ANYTHING and have her there to fulfill all of my needs... 4 years of living together as best friends and lovers to never seeing her... She says we are "friends" but I want the whole package... UGH, I feel you...
LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 For me, I thought it was losing both... After 3 months of being broken up, I truly believe that the actual rejection and no longer being #1 on her list of priorities is what hurt the most. It feels awesome to be one of the most important people in one's life. I no longer have that person who I could talk to about ANYTHING and have her there to fulfill all of my needs... 4 years of living together as best friends and lovers to never seeing her... She says we are "friends" but I want the whole package... UGH, I feel you... Wow, 4 years?! I'm sorry to hear that, mine was nowhere near that amount of time, but we were really great friends, and we talked about everything. Sad thing though was that once we became bf/gf, the friendship had already pretty much died because he no longer treated me like his friend; he was cold, distant, and ambivalent. I had really hoped that the friendship would transfer well into a relationship. I really don't know why he acted this way. Now I'm in a bind because I miss him dearly as a friend, but if he were to be friends with me right now, I would be hurt being his friend because of my strong feelings towards him! So yes, I want the whole package, but I want the friendship and a relationship that was an extension of the friendship, not one where he became cold and distant. Sigh....
Travis L Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Wow, 4 years?! I'm sorry to hear that, mine was nowhere near that amount of time, but we were really great friends, and we talked about everything. Sad thing though was that once we became bf/gf, the friendship had already pretty much died because he no longer treated me like his friend; he was cold, distant, and ambivalent. I had really hoped that the friendship would transfer well into a relationship. I really don't know why he acted this way. Now I'm in a bind because I miss him dearly as a friend, but if he were to be friends with me right now, I would be hurt being his friend because of my strong feelings towards him! So yes, I want the whole package, but I want the friendship and a relationship that was an extension of the friendship, not one where he became cold and distant. Sigh.... I think it hurts no matter how long it was...as long as love has had time to develop. That's so odd that he turned cold right after becoming bf/gf... How long were you two just friends? Maybe he's the type that sees a woman as something to be conquered...once he has it, it loses value. I thought I was ready to be her friend but I found that i could not handle her asking me for advice on her love interest... I backed off and told her I need time to heal but she cried her way back into my life (as a friend). I am now back to asking her for space... I'm afraid I am in a worse place than when we 1st broke up as now I look inconsistent... It's just too hard to be friends right after a break up. What is the dumpers motivation in wanting to be friends when they leave you as a lover? They get the benefits of having you in their life while getting their romantic desires met by someone else...the dumpee sees it as a way to reconcile but it rarely works.
LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 We knew each other for about 2 years before we dated, but became real close friends for about 5 or 6 months, but because we had class together, we literally spent at least 8 hours together a week in addition to outside of class time, plus talking on the phone. We were literally together all the time! I think he has some deep emotional issues. He has many female friends and can be nice and open to them, but once I became his gf, he became cold and distant. He was so sweet and caring when we were just friends, and when I began dating him, I remember his female friends telling me how lucky I was and what a great guy he was, but I was thinking, is this the same guy I am dating? If we had a wonderful dinner or had an interaction where I felt I was making a breakthrough, I could almost predict 100% that the next moment he would be cold and distant. It's almost like he was afraid of me hurting him or something once we started going out. There's no risk with just being friends. In addition, he never included me in his life once we began dating, always drinking with the boys, playing video games, drinking some more, going to his jiu jitsu classes, school (school I understood and gave him his time to concentrate on that) everything except making time for me. I was another one of his activities which he allocated the least amount of time to. I was at the bottom of his priority list and I felt so rejected the whole time. We went on 4 dates max in a 9 month period. It was always coming over to his house to watch a bit of tv and him talking about something so irrelevant. I understand you wanting to be there for her, especially when she cries, but you have to think of yourself and everytime this happens, you are going to relapse and all the progress you've made is defeated. If you do want to be friends with her, it is going to take a long time, it has to be when you are ok hearing her vent to you about the guys in her life, and you being completely, honestly 100% OK with that. That's when you'll know you're ready, and only then should you do that, otherwise, spare yourself the pain, don't subject yourself to that.
screamingoutlove Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 I thought I was ready to be her friend but I found that i could not handle her asking me for advice on her love interest... I backed off and told her I need time to heal but she cried her way back into my life (as a friend). I am now back to asking her for space... I'm afraid I am in a worse place than when we 1st broke up as now I look inconsistent... It's just too hard to be friends right after a break up. What is the dumpers motivation in wanting to be friends when they leave you as a lover? They get the benefits of having you in their life while getting their romantic desires met by someone else...the dumpee sees it as a way to reconcile but it rarely works. Travis, thats a major ouch . Sorry to hear that, it's basically one of the most difficult things that a dumpee faces, and that's hearing your ex talk about another potential lover. Friendship for the dumper, in my opinion, is just a way for a dumper to slowly relieve their feeling of guilt slowly until they see the dumpee move on. When they see the dumpee has moved on, they will feel less guilty and think to themselves, "Okay I don't have to worry anymore, he/she will be fine, he/she moved on. I have a clean slate now." Also, friendship for some dumpers serve as a way to slowly, but surely, completely get over the relationship. Travis, it's harsh, but do yourself a favor and just go back to NC. Start loving yourself more and everything will fall into place. 4 years is a long time and it will be very difficult to let go. I bet many little things remind you of her. I finally let go and I was with my ex for 5 1/2 years. I'm still not over her, but hey its only been 2 weeks since I finally let go. I told her, "How can you do this friends thing when you know how I feel about you? I don't deserve to go through this pain, so please, if you care about me, just leave me alone."
LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Travis, thats a major ouch . Sorry to hear that, it's basically one of the most difficult things that a dumpee faces, and that's hearing your ex talk about another potential lover. Friendship for the dumper, in my opinion, is just a way for a dumper to slowly relieve their feeling of guilt slowly until they see the dumpee move on. When they see the dumpee has moved on, they will feel less guilty and think to themselves, "Okay I don't have to worry anymore, he/she will be fine, he/she moved on. I have a clean slate now." Also, friendship for some dumpers serve as a way to slowly, but surely, completely get over the relationship. Travis, it's harsh, but do yourself a favor and just go back to NC. Start loving yourself more and everything will fall into place. 4 years is a long time and it will be very difficult to let go. I bet many little things remind you of her. I finally let go and I was with my ex for 5 1/2 years. I'm still not over her, but hey its only been 2 weeks since I finally let go. I told her, "How can you do this friends thing when you know how I feel about you? I don't deserve to go through this pain, so please, if you care about me, just leave me alone." Great advice! I agree with you. Travis is better off going back to NC.
Travis L Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Travis, thats a major ouch . Sorry to hear that, it's basically one of the most difficult things that a dumpee faces, and that's hearing your ex talk about another potential lover. Friendship for the dumper, in my opinion, is just a way for a dumper to slowly relieve their feeling of guilt slowly until they see the dumpee move on. When they see the dumpee has moved on, they will feel less guilty and think to themselves, "Okay I don't have to worry anymore, he/she will be fine, he/she moved on. I have a clean slate now." Also, friendship for some dumpers serve as a way to slowly, but surely, completely get over the relationship. Travis, it's harsh, but do yourself a favor and just go back to NC. Start loving yourself more and everything will fall into place. Yeah, about 6 hours ago I sent her a text message letting her know it's time for her to pick up her stuff and that i am no longer able to help her. She left all of her stuff here when she left 3 months ago. I asked her why she doesn't move it into the new guys house and her answer is that she doesn't want to live with him. The last time I told her I needed NC, she asked for (and I agreed) to loan her $300 (she says she can't ask the new guy because she can't talk to him about things like that). I have spent the last 4 years building her up and helping her in every way...the only crappy thing about this is that she NEEDS me to help her with her studies. When I met her she was a 22 year old high school drop out with not a penny to her name. I was a 23 year old who had just finished his Bachelors from UofMichigan and drove a sports car. I put off medical school and my plans to move to Florida because I met her... When she left she had her diploma, in college, a $30,000 car in the parking lot, and 5k in the bank. Since breakup she is homeless (sleeping at her new guys house), broke (had to borrow money to keep her phone on), and starting school on her own (she has admitted that she will have to drop out because only I was able to truly tutor her in a way she would understand). She told me when she left, and I quote, "I would have done it all with or without you." Ugh...her family hugs me every time I see them and they thank me...but she doesn't see it... I'm not blameless in this whole mess but I never cheated, lied, etc... Just the common relationship pitfalls of the occasional argument over stupid stuff. Since breakup I've got my 6 pack abs back (almost, haha), got into grad school (MBA in two years), interviewing for a better job, and seeing a model (taking it slow, though). Onwards and upwards, my friends... I thought I would be married by this age (27)..geesh... I'm going to stick to NC this time for at least a couple of months... Anyways, enough about my sad tale...I think I have officially gone completely off topic now
LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Marriage is overrated! lol I'm 28 and am in no hurry to get married. lol Sounds like you're doing great, while she's an ungrategul user. I really don't like her attitude. As for me, I just graduated law school and just took the BAR. I am $120K in debt in student loans and need to pay my bills and start my career! Worrying about the relationship when I was with him and feeling rejected throughout the whole relationship was so distracting. Funny I've been going through all these emotions. Sometimes I'm just so distraught and defeated, and I'm starting to get angry at times, and I'm also slowly starting to feel that if he didn't make an effort and didn't appreciate me for who I am, that it's better for me to be moving on. Perhaps I'm making progress??!!! lol
Travis L Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Marriage is overrated! lol I'm 28 and am in no hurry to get married. lol Sounds like you're doing great, while she's an ungrategul user. I really don't like her attitude. As for me, I just graduated law school and just took the BAR. I am $120K in debt in student loans and need to pay my bills and start my career! Worrying about the relationship when I was with him and feeling rejected throughout the whole relationship was so distracting. I hear ya... I had to take my GMAT test (GRE for business schools) one month after she left... I actually think I scored better on it than I would have had we been together as I spent my free time studying my ass off. I know college loan debt all to well... Funny I've been going through all these emotions. Sometimes I'm just so distraught and defeated, and I'm starting to get angry at times, and I'm also slowly starting to feel that if he didn't make an effort and didn't appreciate me for who I am, that it's better for me to be moving on. Perhaps I'm making progress??!!! lol I 100% agree! I'm more on the angry side of things than anything else. I unfortunately let it get the best of me today as the ex and I had a verbal war for about 3 hours today (phone and texts). She (and him for you) just don't know what they are missing. We are two great catches that deserve to be appreciated! Too bad you don't live in Michigan or we would make a great couple
LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 I hear ya... I had to take my GMAT test (GRE for business schools) one month after she left... I actually think I scored better on it than I would have had we been together as I spent my free time studying my ass off. I know college loan debt all to well... I 100% agree! I'm more on the angry side of things than anything else. I unfortunately let it get the best of me today as the ex and I had a verbal war for about 3 hours today (phone and texts). She (and him for you) just don't know what they are missing. We are two great catches that deserve to be appreciated! Too bad you don't live in Michigan or we would make a great couple lol, thanks for making me feel better! We ARE great catches! A JD/soon to be Esq., and a future MBA, wow, what a couple, although we would have lots in debt! lol Well, the ex texted me this morning saying, "Good morning sunshine", and asking me a question about something, and you know what I did, I deleted it and did not respond! lol Yay for me because normally I know I would've picked up the phone or responded to his texts. I didn't succumb to that! My roommate came back and so I've been around people and saw friends, and it made me feel better! I'm still sad at times, but the anger is making me not want him in my life, which is a great thing! I really think you should try the No Contact thing for awhile. It'll do you good, seriously!
Travis L Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 lol, thanks for making me feel better! We ARE great catches! A JD/soon to be Esq., and a future MBA, wow, what a couple, although we would have lots in debt! lol Yeah, we'd be eating PB&J and Mac&Cheese for a while Well, the ex texted me this morning saying, "Good morning sunshine", and asking me a question about something, and you know what I did, I deleted it and did not respond! lol Yay for me because normally I know I would've picked up the phone or responded to his texts. I didn't succumb to that! My roommate came back and so I've been around people and saw friends, and it made me feel better! I'm still sad at times, but the anger is making me not want him in my life, which is a great thing! LOL...wait, wait, wait... My ex needed a wakeup call today and I said, "Good morning sunshine!" out of habit (I had only slept for an hour at this point...a little out of it). Great job on maintaining NC!! Hanging out with friends is soooo important when going through this crap... Negative associations are what does it for me. When a happy thought of the ex and I pops in my head, I immediately think of something very bad about her. I really think you should try the No Contact thing for awhile. It'll do you good, seriously! I don't know what it is but with the argument that we had yesterday mixed with the realization of no longer being in love with her (occurred during our three days of NC), I think I am....over her??? I mean, sure she still pops in my head and once in a blue moon I will get a little sad but...how she was in the end of the relationship is not someone I want as a wife. I can honestly say that if she were to walk through the door today and ask for me back, I wouldn't say yes...(assuming she hasn't changed). Once the ex gets all of her stuff out of my house and she pays me back I think NC will be the way to go...just to keep some distance between us for a while. I think we sort of stole this thread... oops!
Lizzie60 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Hey guys Im new at this so any help would be great!! The short version is I started dating a friend it lasted almost 4 years and got very serious, needless to say it ended badly. Now he wants to be friends and I miss him terribly....my question is can you really be just friends after ending a serious relationship on not so great terms?? Any advice you can offer would be great and similar experiances welcome!! Thanks It's possible...but in order to be possible you got to be 'platonic' friends... no commitment, no expectations. If you are still 'in love' with him.. it won't work. I remained friend with my last ex... I haven't seen him for over 10 months though... he got married this July... so I guess he wants to be a 'good' husband... LOL I know he'll be back eventually...
Recommended Posts