SaraK Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I've been with my current boyfriend for nearly 3 months. And while some of you will assume this if far too soon for me to be in love with him, let me tell you that we were together before for a longer time. We broke up for a while and recently got back together. My feelings for him never went away and since being back with him, I'm falling for him a lot stronger & harder than I did before. He doesn't love me but he said he's certain he will one day. He just wants to know in his heart and his head that when he says it, he means it. We both went into this relationship knowing how the other felt and it's been going brilliantly. The reason I'm writing is because I miss him like crazy when I don't see him for a while. I'm seeing him tonight but it's been 4 days since I last saw him and I miss him so much. Now, he tells me he misses me too and, while I don't doubt this, I know it's not a much as I miss him. But that's cool. I can live with that for now. The problem is, when he wants to get all soppy & romantic, he says and does the sweetest things. The things he used to say and do when we were first together. He's a wonderful man and he makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. But when I get all soppy & romantic and say the same kind of things to him, he tells me to go easy and it's a little too much for him to hear right now. That would all be fine but why is he allowed to tell me all these lovely things yet when I say it back to him, he tells me it's too much? That's what hurts. I often find myself crying because I don't know what I can & can't say around him. I can talk to him about anything because we have a history and we really know each other, but I'm scared to bring this up because I'm afraid he'll end it in some way. And the last thing I want to do is lose him. He even tells me to calm down when I tell him I miss him after not seeing him for a week. Of course I'm going to miss him - it's been a week! Yet he can say it, but I can't. It's really getting down. Shall I just keep these "feelings" to myself until he's ready to deal with them?
Lyssa Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Oh gee whizz.. I'm sorry this guy is making you feel this way. I really am. I don't think you deserve this kinda treatment. I think you should be with someone that is comfortable with you being you. I don't get why it's okay for him to tell you soppy stuff when he wants to but when it comes to you, it isn't okay or go slow. WTF is that all about?? I know you love him but it's not right when you feel this way - I often find myself crying because I don't know what I can & can't say around him.
LoveLace Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I agree with lyssa. He's being unfair. Feelings are supposed to be exchanged, not just received. Tell him you feel unfair about this. And for someone to say "I'm certain I will love you one day, but I don't yet"....that's B.S. If he doesn't feel he loves you now, there is no guarantee that he will later. Sounds like he's giving you hope so he can hang on to you but he doesn't want to feel too attached or something. Scared of commitment, perhaps. Either way, I think it's best for you to tell him you are not happy and if he is not willing to change that, time for you to move on completely without him. You want a boyfriend that will let you express yourself dont' you?
Arizona100 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I think you need to chill.. is what I think. Honestly. You seem to be all for him, very needy, and he seems to be the center of your world. Even if it's true, if i were you, I wouldn't show it that much. I'd show independence and I'd enjoy the time that I have alone to take care of me, see friends, and stop thinking about him all the time. You're making yourself sick (and yeah I have been down that road). The guy I am dating is the same way, at first I was all for it and would give the same kind of declaration, that'd make him freak out. I now let him come to me instead and try to chill, we of course express our feelings but I don't make him feel like he's the center of my world, I make him feel like he matters and for me there is a difference. I don't see why she should leave him, it seems to be the solution to any problem "omg, dump his ass and find the guy you deserve!" well maybe he's the guy she deserves and she has to give it some time. If he feels, and I am sure he does, that you are being needy, he'll run. When he calls I'd be happy to have him on the phone but I wouldn't go "omg I missed you SO MUCH!!!" .. hey babe, it's been 4 days... not 4 months... so the message that you pass when you say that after FOUR days is "all I think about is you and I cant do anything on my own". Thats what I would understand. And it's not good. It is true that there is not just ONE rule for all of the love stories, but I think there is a common point for any healthy relationship and that is to not forget yourself in the process. PS: let me add something, when he expresses those soapy feelings, you can give him a kiss or a smile, it's as efficient and he might wonder "what the hell? Does she want me or not?" I mean let him wonder, dont make him too easy for him. It's not to late to change your behavior toward him and enjoy what you have with this guy cause for now you clearly spend your time being sick about it.
Lyssa Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I don't see why she should leave him, it seems to be the solution to any problem "omg, dump his ass and find the guy you deserve!" well maybe he's the guy she deserves and she has to give it some time. That isn't always the solution, yes. I'm giving her my advice based on my friend's experience and also a few I have read here. Good for you that your r/ship works out well even with you being you. I may have said leave but it is up to her and yes, giving it a time is a good thing but sometimes, when you give it time - it doesn't work out for the best. It either gets better or worse. Yet, it is up to her to decide.
Arizona100 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Yes, the way you say it now I agree, no one should stay miserable in a relationship. Again, she seems extremely needy (no offense meant here, I am that way too Sarak, I just punch the needy side of me in the nose ) Another PS: my relation with this guy is MUCH MORE enjoyable now that I took steps
Lyssa Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Yes, the way you say it now I agree, no one should stay miserable in a relationship. Again, she seems extremely needy (no offense meant here, I am that way too Sarak, I just punch the needy side of me in the nose ) Another PS: my relation with this guy is MUCH MORE enjoyable now that I took steps Yeah, I don't think being extremely need helps, you know. I was never needy although I tempted to be one (can't remember why, that was a long time ago!) - lol - but I am really thankful that I have 3 older bros that taught me how to be the type of girl, most guys want which is less needy, clingy and such. You took the steps and see where it lead you - a MUCH MORE enjoyable r/ship which is great!
LoveLace Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I agree she sounds a bit too needy. Us girls usually learn the hard way that guys run and hide from too much of that "I miss you" stuff, as though you want him in your sight as much as humanly possible. I agree the OP should focus on herself a little more, so it doesn't appear as though she revolves her world around him. That's probably part of his problem.
Arizona100 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I wonder if he's that way too but showing it less. Put the two of them together and he seems to be the pack leader. She definitely needs to take action or he'll run like the wind.
Arizona100 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 lol I know right! And I'll add something, do not pretend to be busy and taking care of you, you have to BE busy, hanging out with friends, etc... do not lie ...
Lyssa Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Yup! Truedat! Come on, I'm sure there is a lot to do to take your mind off him. It's just wrong to sit around and mope over someone... There is always someone better out there or if he is the one for her, he'd come back if they decided to break it off... Right?
oppath Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Exactly. Don't make yourself appear unavailable by lying or not answering the phone when he calls. Have a full life with stuff going on, so you can't always answer the phone. There is a difference. Pretending to be unavailable is not authentic. You have to actually BE busy. So go out and join a softball team and take a photography class. Just don't take on too much, because then he will flip out and think "is she going to have ANY time for me?" You should have a couple passions/hobbies that occupy your time, for you. Your boyfriend can (and should) occasionally share them with you. Sometimes when a girl tells me she misses me I freak out. It usually depends on the tone and intensity with which she is saying it. If she says it in a way that indicates "I like you, and I'm looking forward to the next time I see you," cool. If the tone implies "you are the center of my universe" or "I need your validation" not cool.
LoveLace Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I wonder if he's that way too but showing it less. Put the two of them together and he seems to be the pack leader. She definitely needs to take action or he'll run like the wind. Exactly, it's almost as though he's allowed to be needy in his own way, but she isn't. He gets an ego boost out of "making her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world". He wants to make her happy but not too happy cuz that calls for more work. However there are some guys who insist on being the only ones to compliment and do for the woman, and are not comfortable with getting equal attention in return - Not the kind of man that a giving woman wants to be with.
Lyssa Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 However there are some guys who insist on being the only ones to compliment and do for the woman, and are not comfortable with getting equal attention in return - Not the kind of man that a giving woman wants to be with. Oh boy... I can't be with that kinda guy!
Author SaraK Posted August 31, 2007 Author Posted August 31, 2007 Hey, I'm back lol! Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to bring up this issue with him last night because there really wasn't a good time. I mean that, I'm not just saying it. He'd come back from work buzzing after a great day and if I had brought it up, it would have taken his mood down and all I wanted to do was enjoy the evening in the company of him while he's happy. A little sad now though because we had a stupid fight this morning. It's so petty, it's ridiculous! The morning started off brilliantly until he opened his mail. Someone somewhere is saying he owes them money he hasn't got (even though he doesn't) and now he owes them more because he's been ignoring their reminders (none of which they've actually sent) Anyway, that's 1 thing. The second thing came when he needed to get some stuff done today - car tax, bills etc... - but somehow, a great deal of cash has gone from his account and he doesn't know where. That's 2. Then when we were driving, a car pulled out on us that neither of us saw and broke the left mirror. That's 3. Then he had to swallow his pride and ask his parents for a little help with cash. Lets just say he hasn't had the best morning and he was a little bit short & snappy with me. I just let it go because I didn't want to make things worse and in the end, he apologised to me for being "a d**k" I accepted. Then he noticed that I seemed a little down and when he asked me what was wrong, I told him that I was hoping to spend a little bit more time with him today. But I said that I understood since these things that went wrong this morning needed to be sorted out. I was a little sad but really really was ok with it. That was the problem (apprently!) On the way to dropping me home, he told me that it annoys him when I try to please everyone all the time. If I'm angry or upset about something, just let it out. Don't apologise for it. Things got a little heated and I told him I didn't want to leave on an argument. I hate doing that. But he said "If I'm gonna be mad with you, then I'm gonna be mad with you. There's nothing you can do about that" Anyway, when he dropped me home, I just sat in the car hoping for the mood to change. It didn't. I apologised for whatever it was I did (which he HATES me doing by the way!), and he liked that even less. We just sat there in silence for a while and I got the vibe from him that he wanted me to leave. So I leaned in for a goodbye kiss, he kissed my head, said he'd "text me later or something..." and I just lost it. I grabbed my stuff, slammed the door and stormed off. I'd just had enough. Usually he drives away straight away but this time, he hung around for about 30 seconds. Like he wasn't actually expecting me to leave. I turned around to go back but just as I did, he drove off. 5 mins later, I called him saying that I didn't mean to storm off like that and wanted him to quickly come back so I could see him again. He said "You stormed out of the car. That's just something I've got to live with. You did it" He said he's on his way to his parents so he couldn't come over and he'll text me later. That was about 3 hours ago and yes I admit, I was crying. I think that our relationship is strong enough to let go of such a stupid argument. But I'm scared he doesn't. I'm afraid that he's considering ending it (or some variation of ending it, such as "we need space") just because of this. We've had fights before and always come out stronger. This one just feels different. I know that if he did end it over something so petty, it would be extremely childish on his part. But unfortunately, my feelings for him are clouding my judgement on how stupid this whole situation really is. The urge to speak to him right now is overwhelming, but I'm going to let him come to me. I just hope he gets things sorted, lets off steam and this all blows over. I'm just scared he won't "text me or something" Yes, stupid. Yes, needy. Yes, pathetic. Believe me, I know how this is coming across lol! But it doesn't change how I feel about him. xxx
Arizona100 Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 he told me that it annoys him when I try to please everyone all the time. I read your post and you do NOT listen to what he's telling you. Yes you are being needy and way too nice, that's not going to make him stay, eventually he will seek a woman with a stronger character. You asked for advice and you want a solution to your problem but yet you keep the same attitude, and yet you still make yourself miserable. He will leave you if you don't start worrying about yourself a little bit more. What he's asking you is not to become a total b*tch, he's asking you not to rely on him all the time, not to ask for his approval all the time, not to try to please him all the time. You have to clearly say what you want too! If he asks you where you want to go have lunch for instance, tell him! "wherever you want hun" gets old. Storming out of the car was a stress factor, it's not the way to insert yourself. Insert yourself by being you and it will all be better (and don't serve me that you are being you atm, don't tell me thats the way you want to be, I will not believe you). Eventually he will stop trying, for now you are in the phase where he has enough energy to forgive those little fights, where he still hasnt decided to back off, but believe me, if he's healthy, he WILL. Not to say that this guy hasn't his own issues but thats not your major problem at the moment, your problem is to work on your ego, well self being etc... And no... to talk about the "problem" with him, I don't find it a good idea. Anyway you already did and he told you what he wanted : it annoys him when I try to please everyone all the time Thats up to you and that's my opinion.
maynard Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 i dont see the problem in telling someone you miss them or hearing them say they miss you. my girl and i have said it to each other 3 times in the past week and no one has said "i love you" yet. last time we saw each other was sunday i dont have a problem at all when she says "i miss you." i dont see it as needy either
Arizona100 Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 No saying I miss you is not needy. It's the whole trip I cant live without you and cry my eyes out and make sure I will please you that is an issue.
maynard Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 No saying I miss you is not needy. It's the whole trip I cant live without you and cry my eyes out and make sure I will please you that is an issue. fair enough
uniqueone Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 You probably don't want to hear this but I don't see this relationship succeeding....for a number of reasons. First of all, there's the power play. Oh sheesh....who wants to live like THAT? He tells you what he can say and do and what you CAN'T say and do. And notice how after you apologized to him after you left his car, how he responded? ["You stormed out of the car. That's just something I've got to live with. You did it"] VERY much a power play there! So how are those strings doing that you've got on your hands, head and feet? Because you, my dear, are becoming his puppet. Oh...and he takes out his crappy day on you because he knows you'll put up with it.....because he knows you want him more. A second reason this won't work is because I don't think relationships work when a woman likes a man more than he likes her. I come up with numerous explanations as to why, but bottom line is......they just don't. The only way to save this.....and it's not really saving it.....is to start acting like you don't care. This will definately make him come around. This won't work though because your emotions are too wrapped up in it already. It also won't work because you'll have to be playing a game to get his attention....and who wants THAT? It also won't work because you'll never be able to show any feeling back to him and that will make you feel empty.....and controlled. Right now, you don't want to hear that this isn't going to work out but... sorry.....that's how I see it.
Lauriebell82 Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I think it depends on the kind of guy your dating. Some guys like to talk mushy and say how much they miss their gfs, and they love when they say it back. In my relationship, my bf and I don't see each other Mon-Fri and only spend the weekend together because I'm at college. i talked to him on the phone all week and we said how much we love and miss each other and how we cant wait to be together. We have also been together almost a year now. I think it depends on the relationship, and the guy. I guess I dont see telling my bf that I love him and miss him as being needy. I miss him like crazy during the week because I love him and I love being with him. I do have other things in my life, school during the week, activities, and friends. But I miss him like crazy as well. I dont think the poster is being needy, it's just the way she is in relationships. It doesn't however seem like her bf feels this way. I think its ok for him to say it, but it sounds like he gets overwhelmed and smothered when these feelings get expressed to him. Some men are like this. I think you should talk to him about what his issue is. Tell him that your not trying to overwhelm him, you just like to tell him how you feel. I guess what you have to decide, is that if you can be happy with someone who cant deal with having those feelings expressed to him by his gf. I've been with both types of men, guys who get smothered and guys who don't. I'd much rather be with a man who doesn't. I'm not saying to leave, but seriously consider if you can stay happy in this relationship even if he continues to act this way all the time.
Jinnah Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Maybe he has emotional/attachment issues. Tell him to go the therapy or get on here and talk about his issues for some advice. Not trying to take what you are saying lightly, but it sounds like he needs the help, not you!
Jinnah Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 A second reason this won't work is because I don't think relationships work when a woman likes a man more than he likes her. If this is the case, run!
Jinnah Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I turned around to go back but just as I did, he drove off. Stop chasing him... let him chase you! You have to get more confidence in yourself. You deserve to be treated right, and act like it! I know (with brothers) that a lot of guys want to be the pursuer, and he seems like this type! You aren't letting him!
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