Cinabon Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Since you already aware this is more than likely going to be a physical relationship that will go no where. Why put yourself through a MM relationship? They are a rollercoaster ride. Some get off the ride alone. And some get off with their partner. You already are aware you will be getting off alone. So why put yourself through the emotional torture? JMO
EnigmasMuse Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 My friends (smart, intellectual people) have been telling me "go on, you deserve some fun"... Sorry, but they don't sound to smart. I wont. I hope. I hope not either. However, I wouldn't be surprised , you seem to really be searching for attention, love and affection from a man. And it just happend to be a man who is married. Go out and date, have fun, with some single guys.
serial muse Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Hi Luna (love the name, by the way). Leaving aside any talk of hurting his family or whatnot (I think he's doing a fine job of that on his own), I think the thing you really need to think about is how much this is going to hurt you. You already know you're emotionally involved and he isn't - that is not going to change, and by getting more deeply involved you'll just open yourself up to more hurt. He told that story to everyone tho, and I doubt he's trying to get into the pants of the women in our office in their 60's. Okay - if you weren't infatuated with this man (as we on the boards here aren't), I hope you'd see this point through a clearer lens: it's actually incredibly rude for him to spill all this personal, potentially really hurtful stuff about his wife to his entire office. Who is this guy??? I don't care how attractive he is, he is showing you loud and clear what kind of person he is, and who he cares about most. Seriously, you're probably right - if it isn't you, it might be someone else. Which is just another red flag - you're in for a world of hurt if you let yourself do this. I totally agree with TF - make it a fantasy with the aid of some toys, if you want, but let it go.
PoshPrincess Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 What good can come from cheating besides an orgasm, which you can get elsewhere And some of them ain't even good for that!!!! A lot of cheating MMs are too much out for their own gratification anyway to worry about yours! Lunar, I think you answered your own question. Don't do it! From what you say you haven't had a lot of experience with men and getting into a R with a MM will be even more difficult for you to handle than it is/was for some of us more experienced ladies. Do the right thing and find yourself a nice SG who can give you what you deserve. This will only end in tears. Yours, his Ws, his kids, but probably not his - the main instigator! x
OpenBook Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Luna, this guy sounds like he's tired of the oh-so-everyday/familiar (his W), and drawn to the mysterious and unknown/unconquered (you). The problem (for you) is, if you sleep with him, the challenge will be over for him. Mission Accomplished. The mystery has been solved. He will see you at work every day, he will know what you look like (and how you act) naked... and there will be no more mystery & excitement to you. He will get tired of you (in the same way he got tired of his W), and he will move on to the next unknown. And there you'll be -- you won't be able to get away from him (he'll still be there at work). You'll still have to face him EVERY DAY. But with the awful, excruciatingly painful knowledge that he's no longer interested in you. That there's no way you can take back the mystery. Don't go there!! It's an awful place to be. Your greatest protection is to wrap yourself in the mantle of mystery.
norajane Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 What makes you think no one in the office would know what was happening? He's not that good keeping his private life private if he's blabbing to everyone about all his accidental babies. And if you wear your heart on your sleeve - or spend a lot of time with this MM - they probably already know you have a crush on him. They'll also know when you start having sex with him... Having sex with a MM you work with is probably the stupidest move you could make. You will not only wreck your own emotional well-being, but everyone in the office will eventually start whispering and gossiping, you will be the "homewrecking slut banging the MM", and your work credibility and reputation will be shot. Save yourself the indignity and emotional pain, and forget this guy.
justice Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Ok echoing here. DO NOT DO THIS!!! Or if you do, be ready to face dire consequences, think of the children who love their dad, how will you ever face them when d-day arrives? He belongs with his wife. Plain. Simple and easy to follow that. It might be different if he were ever to get divorced, but do you honestly want to be responsible for that? Think, think and think some more before you get into something that's going to make your life a living hell.
PoshPrincess Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Having sex with a MM you work with is probably the stupidest move you could make. You will not only wreck your own emotional well-being, but everyone in the office will eventually start whispering and gossiping, you will be the "homewrecking slut banging the MM", and your work credibility and reputation will be shot. I couldn't agree more. I don't think Rs in the workplace are a particularly good idea even if you're single but they're a definite 'no no' when one or both are married. The sentence I have put in bold couldn't be more true. 9 times out of 10 it's the OW that gets all the blame in these sitches and often loses her job because of it. If the MM has any integrity whatsoever (and it doesn't sound like yours has with the way he blabs to everyone about his W and kids) then they sometimes leave the company of their own accord (I personally know two cases where this has happened), but more often than not you will be left to shoulder the blame and be thought of as the 'scarlet woman'. To cover his a**e he will no doubt be telling everyone that YOU came on to him, and all that other BS!
PoshPrincess Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I couldn't agree more. I don't think Rs in the workplace are a particularly good idea even if you're single but they're a definite 'no no' when one or both are married. The sentence I have put in bold couldn't be more true. 9 times out of 10 it's the OW that gets all the blame in these sitches and often loses her job because of it. If the MM has any integrity whatsoever (and it doesn't sound like yours has with the way he blabs to everyone about his W and kids) then they sometimes leave the company of their own accord (I personally know two cases where this has happened), but more often than not you will be left to shoulder the blame and be thought of as the 'scarlet woman'. To cover his a**e he will no doubt be telling everyone that YOU came on to him, and all that other BS! PS ....and I also used to work with a girl who had an A with one of our bosses. Although she wasn't sack I am assuming that she felt forced out when this sh*t hit the fan. The boss got away lightly - he kept his job, his W never found out and every now and again he gets a wink and a pat on the back for having 'filled his boots', so to speak! Charming!
waiting4heaven Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Unless you are strong, don't allow yourself into a position to get hurt. Being with a MM does have many bright sides but the down times are a killer if you aren't mentally equipped to deal with them! Trust me, I've learned the hard way and spent many of nights/days crying for my decision...Good Luck to you!!! Don't Do It!!!
Tsuki no Michi Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 I know sometimes you end up in these situations regardless of intentions, but if you have a choice, and I believe by virtue of asking here you believe you still do, then I would advise against anything more. I can guarantee it will be less heartache for all involved in the long run. TNM
frannie Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 I am contemplating becoming involved with a married man. Im sure it would be purely sexual for him; I've been hes friend/colleague for a while, and even if he seems annoyed with his wife/family at times I don't think he's getting up to leave yet. (Altho, he once said, quite frustrated, "if she get's pregnant again, and I've told her this, I'm leaving".) I think I might be in love with him. I am trying to hold back, I like having him as a friend, coz he has been quite fun to be around, and also supportive. But lately, we've been getting into some flirting on MSN - "hardcore" flirting. IRL I just thot he was kidding when he'd be flirty, but now it seems like he means it. But I keep thinking that this may be a totally stupid move. I will get emotionally entangled, and Im pretty sure he wont leave her for me any time soon. (A magic 8-ball said we'd get married in our 40's, we're 27/28 now. ) I think I'll also feel bad after a while, allowing him the possibility to cheat... Right now Im just saying "hey, he's attractive... if it's not me, it someone else, and for all I know, I'm not the only one he's doing this with right now..." Im not sure what my question is. Maybe I just need to get yelled at and have it put in perspective. Oh I do have one practical question tho; If I go and "do it"... Is there any difference in "doing it" when it's just about the sex and you're not relationship-y? Will there be kissing? I really like kissing, I wouldn't want to just... get naked and do it. I think everyone else has already said it: bad move, as you know yourself. You outlined all the main problems in your first post: you're already emotionally involved, he's not going to leave (although he bad-mouths his wife to all and sundry - nice), but you're already looking for signs that he might. All in all a disaster waiting to happen. And when it ends, either you'll lose your job (not kidding here, read the stories) or be in a really bad position at work perhaps not from your colleagues necessarily, but certainly from having to see him day in day out as a dreadful reminder of your terrible, soul-destroying heartache. Honestly, I have friends to whom this has happened and the pain and regret is overwhelming... I'm talking about vomiting in the works toilets and shaking when you're meant to be working. Please, please, please don't sign yourself up for this.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Its predictable, Luna... here is what will happen: He will sweep you off your feet, and will insinuate himself into your life as your "soulmate". He will do this through rapid and repeated seduction. He will use you for sex, and convince you that its because he is so in love with you. You will overlook the obvious fact that you are being used for sex, and will listen to his false words. It won't appear that he is using you for sex - it will appear to be a deeply romantic relationship, and you will become blinded to the truth as a result. You will see the sex as fantastic, and you will fall deeply in love with him. He will declare the same. ... until Dday, of course. When Dday happens, and he throws you under the bus while begging his wife to forgive him and take him back, you'll be confused about what happened to that love you shared and how he could be clinging to a wife he was so desperately unhappy with, and crying over missing the children he said he didn't want in the first place and was 'tricked' into having. You'll soul search, post about it, mourn over - pretty much everything except accept the obvious: he was using you for sex with no intention of making any sort or real relationship out of it.
bunset Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Its predictable, Luna... here is what will happen: He will sweep you off your feet, and will insinuate himself into your life as your "soulmate". He will do this through rapid and repeated seduction. He will use you for sex, and convince you that its because he is so in love with you. You will overlook the obvious fact that you are being used for sex, and will listen to his false words. It won't appear that he is using you for sex - it will appear to be a deeply romantic relationship, and you will become blinded to the truth as a result. You will see the sex as fantastic, and you will fall deeply in love with him. He will declare the same. ... until Dday, of course. When Dday happens, and he throws you under the bus while begging his wife to forgive him and take him back, you'll be confused about what happened to that love you shared and how he could be clinging to a wife he was so desperately unhappy with, and crying over missing the children he said he didn't want in the first place and was 'tricked' into having. You'll soul search, post about it, mourn over - pretty much everything except accept the obvious: he was using you for sex with no intention of making any sort or real relationship out of it. Strangely, I find I can't argue with this. This happens the most. But, we can truthfully say, it doesn't always happen. Wanna roll those dice?
smitty12 Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 have you ever felt the pain of being cheated on?why would you want to be involved with some one that would cheat on his wife or leave her if she got pregnant that ought to tell you what kind of person he is right there -also you never know what the cheated person might do for revenge - but thats what you get in crackerjacks i say when you mess with people that are involved in relationship.you have to deal with consequences
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Strangely, I find I can't argue with this. This happens the most. But, we can truthfully say, it doesn't always happen. Wanna roll those dice? Yeah.. I've been lurking on this one OW board for many years now, and have seen hundreds of women lay out their affairs from beginning to end, and nearly all of them happened exactly like I laid out above. Out of those hundreds of women, I've seen maybe ten who ended up with their MM and out of those ten, five or so ended up posting about finding their 'boyfriend' trolling on dating sites for strange, and finding themselves the betrayed when their 'boyfriend' ended up with an OOW, or going back to his wife. So.. out of hundreds of women, thousands and thousands of posts there have been maybe one or two actual success stories where the OW ended up with the MM and they had a functional relationship. Talk about rolling the dice.... the dice are loaded from the beginning in situations like this. "Happily ever after" is the exception in cases like this, certainly not the rule.
cheesydippindoodle Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 take the advice of someone who's in that trap Go get someone of your own who can give you his all 100% of everything. The first few weeks will probaly be a whirlwind but then you will fall in love & hate it that he goes home to his wife, just knowing that he sits down as a family to eat, or goes out shopping with her, or they have friday nights in with their pals will eventually tear you apart - he will never be your own you will always be sharing him - don't you deserve better??????
CAT100 Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Please dont do it. You may find what starts off as a bit of fun will lead to you falling in love and if that happens you will get very hurt. I sometimes wish I had walked away when I found out that my MM was married (I initally was told he was divorced & found out a few months into the relationship). I wonder what would have happened if Id walked away & how different my life would be now, 5 years down the line. My advice to you is strongly, dont do it. You'll find someone else and in a few months you'll look back on this & thank your lucky stars you walked away
Author Luna_Lovegood Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 Not sure if anyone cares; but I ended up not doing it. Hurrah for me?
Owl Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Hurrah for you!!! Nice to know that you can make the right choice when under pressure, isn't it? So what did you do to handle the situation?
Author Luna_Lovegood Posted February 20, 2008 Author Posted February 20, 2008 I pretty much did a whole bunch of nothing. The MM changed departments, and now that we don't see eachother at work there is no contact; except for the occational 'hello' in a crowded corridor. So all I had to do was ignore a few texts, and then he stopped trying.
Recommended Posts