QWERTY Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 My g/f has been separated for 20 months, and we've been together for 14 months. We've just moved in together, and we're definitely thinking of this as a long-term commitment. It's been bothering me that we've moved our relationship to a new level when she's still technically married. I just sent her an email asking her if she could, for my benefit, take steps to finalize her divorce. But now I'm worried that I've overstepped my boundaries by asking her. If we can put aside the fact that she hasn't chosen to do this on her own, and anything that you might infer from that (e.g. that she may be avoiding doing it because she still has an emotional attachment to him or the marriage, which is a whole other topic that I don't want to get into)... is it fair for someone to ask their g/f to finalize their divorce once their relationship becomes more serious?
reboot Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 You should never have taken the relationship to that level while she was still married. You're leaving yourself wide open for a lot of pain. So yes, you have every right to ask her that.
VIP Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 If we can put aside the fact that she hasn't chosen to do this on her own, and anything that you might infer from that (e.g. that she may be avoiding doing it because she still has an emotional attachment to him or the marriage, which is a whole other topic that I don't want to get into)... That's actually the root of the problem. And it's more important than the divorce itself.
sunshinegirl Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 In general I agree with VIP though I suppose there could always be mitigating circumstances. What is her explanation for why she hasn't finalized the divorce? Have they filed any papers? Are they arguing over something? Are they stuck at some particular point? Is it messy? My boyfriend is also still technically married, but the paperwork is in motion and so it's just a matter of time before he is divorced. We broke up for a month over his marital situation, during which time he took steps to move it all forward. (They had been separated for over a year but neither one had filed divorce papers. While we were apart, he filed.)
nittygritty Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I know you asked for opinions that put the reason for the delay aside but I think that it would make a difference in the advice given if you provided some info regarding the reasons she has given. Details removed, I think its fair of you to ask the g/f that you live with to finalize her divorce.
Author QWERTY Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 Thanks everyone for your advice. You've said what I wanted to hear -- that it's okay that I asked. I didn't want to get into the emotional side of things, because it's a little messy and she's doing the best she can with resolving it. He was emotionally abusive and very controlling of her, and their marriage was a constant struggle for power (which continued after they separated, because they're sharing custody of their kids and he has a habit of not paying support on time). She's in counselling, and the counsellor has told her she still has an emotional attachment to him through anger, and that means he still has power over her. So she's working on getting over that, but I don't think she quite knows how. She used to talk a lot about him (to me and others), but always in a "I hate him" way. I recently talked to her about that and she's stopped talking about him for the most part, recognizing she needs to get on with her life. She's also taken steps to minimize her contact with him because he infuriates her so much -- they only discuss things by email, and the kids are going to be picked up and dropped off at school so she never has to see him. So she is trying to separate herself from him as much as possible I think... except for the divorce. He actually filed the divorce papers a few months ago, and she stopped by his lawyer's office to pick up the papers, but they weren't ready. So she said she was going to wait, and let him subpoena her. But that hasn't happened yet, and I'm wondering if it's ever going to happen. I can't decide if it's an unwillingness on her part to completely let go, or if this is a power game she's playing ("he said he wants this to happen -- so let him do all the work"), or if she just doesn't really care about the legality of it (she's said several times that she already considers herself divorced). Anyway, I haven't talked to her about finalizing things before now, because it wasn't really an issue for me while we've been dating. Well, the legal attachment didn't bother me, but I have to admit the emotional attachment did (and still does) a bit. But I guess that comes with the territory to some degree, and she's doing what she needs to do to get over that. But I figured with us moving in together, which implies to me more of a commitment, it was time for her to finalize things with him so that she and I can really get on with our lives together.
reboot Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 She can 'consider' herself divorced all she wants. Legally she isn't. Her and her kids are living with you and she's still married? Does she even have a lawyer herself? Does the husband know you're living together? Is there any kind of legal separaration or did she just leave? She's not being very smart about this. I hope it doesn't blow up in her face.
blind_otter Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 This all reaffirms my theory that marriage licenses should be renewable. If you don't want to stay married, just let the license lapse. Sigh. That would put way too many people out of a job, now, wouldn't it? QWERTY - you have every right to ask her to finalize her divorce. I was actually legally married to my ex for several years while he was in prison. I dated, even got engaged to someone else. In the end it was all a huge argument about a lot of debt that we both got into during the marriage. But just because she's still married doesn't indicate any kind of deep seated attachment to her STBX.
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