bartles Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I am new to this forum but I need some serious help. I am 27 yrs old soon to be 28 and have been married for 8.5 years. I have been with my husband for a combined 12 years. During that 12 years I have cheated on him once that he knows of which was about 6 years ago but now I have recently cheated on him again. I met this guy about 5-6 months ago. We started out as friends, talking about life, love and etc. One day out of the blue we just started taking our conversations to a new level meaning we started flirting...nothing that I took too seriously. This guy has a girlfriend and I am married. Both of us have one child and we would converse about being a parent. Long story short I started meeting the guy. We met at a bookstore at first and before you know it we were meeting at his hotel room (he doesn't really live in my city but his job is assigned here for another year so he lives in a hotel during the week and flies home on the weekend). Anyway, things in the hotel started to heat up after awhile and after a argument with my husband I went over to his place and told him about what happened. We chatted for a bit and he held me and one thing led to another and we had sex. I am confused now as the next night I was back in his arms again. He told me that he loved me and would never tell me to leave my husband. He even told me that I need to fight harder. In another breath he said that he wants to be with me and would leave his girlfriend to do just that. He wants me and my daughter to move with him. Like I said in another breath he reminds me to fight for my marriage. I hope I don't sound confusing here but I do really like this guy but I am a married woman and being so young I do wonder if there is someone better out there for me. My husand has wanted more children but I have not been willing to do that with him...my daughter will be 8 in Dec. I want more kids but I can't bring myself to having more with him. What should I do...I mean if I leave my husband and this guy is bull****tin me I will be hurt and pissed. I don't know how to cut things off. Just this morning I stopped in to see him before work and we had sex. Yesterday, the guy was busy at work and we barely spoke (unusual since we would nornally talk via text, im, email or something all day). So I wonder if the dude is just trying to have sex with me and will say what he thinks I wanna hear. Am I crazy???
vivi Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Sorry to say but this guy sounds like a playa. Can you fix things with your husband rather than leave? BTW, this guy doesn't sound like he's worth leaving your husband for. He's giving you mixed messages right from the start, when the chemistry is strongest. Think he's going to want to be with you once your child enters the picture? Are the issues with your husband fixable?
Author bartles Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 I don't know if they are fixable. Certainly I could try harder but there has been so much said and done that has hurt me as well as me hurting him that I think we have found ourselves not even being friends anymore and I don't know if I want to be married to someone who is not my friend. My husband told me (when he thought I was cheating) to get out, took my car and threatned to call the Police and have me escorted out despite the fact that both of our names are on the mortgate. I pay my own car note yet he told me that I can't have the car because I don't deserve to drive nothing with his name on it (he is the cosigner). Basically he pretty much stated he doesn't want to see me happy. After he said that to me...well I went to my friend and we had sex. Just yesterday my friend told me that if I make the decision to leave it should not be based on anything with him because he doesn't want me to resent him. He says that he wants to be with me but will be with me even though I am married. He also said that even if I do leave there is no gurantee that we will work out but he would love to date me and grow into more. Far different from when he was telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me and have 2 children with me. What is my problem??? I am feeling so dumb and naive
Cobra_X30 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Well if you dont want your marriage to work... what are you waiting for? You dont need some other guy to make that choice! Get out now! Your setting yourself up for a disaster.
Author bartles Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 I think I need a dose of reality or something..been living in la la ville for 2 long. I don't want a failed marriage but then again I dont know how to move past stuff. Plus cheating on him....not cool at all.
PoshPrincess Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Well if you dont want your marriage to work... what are you waiting for? You dont need some other guy to make that choice! Get out now! Your setting yourself up for a disaster. I agree. Just take this OM out of the equation. If you were really happy in your M then you wouldn't be having an A with someone else. Also, what concerns me is that you say you DO want more kids but not with your H. I felt the same in my LTR and in the end I got out. I didn't have anyone else to go to, and haven't found anyone I want to have more kids with yet, but I don't doubt that I made the right decision. I am in my late 30s now and might never meet anyone else while I am still young enough to have kids but you have many years left on your biological clock so don't waste them! You need to sit down and have a long hard think about what you want for your future and whether that includes your H. If you think there may still be a chance for you both then grab it with both hands, but to do this you must end things with the OM immediately. BTW, yes, he does sound like he's playing you! Don't let him.
Ladyjane14 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I am 27 yrs old soon to be 28... ...being so young I do wonder if there is someone better out there for me. Sorry... but you aren't as young as you think you are. Somewhere between 18 and 22 or so, yeah... I can see how this kind of confusion can take place. But you're pushing 30. It's clearly time to grow up. There's no point in being married to a guy if you're going to up and cheat on him every couple of years. That's not fair to him, because he's WASTING his God-given time in a partner who lacks the appropriate commitment to the relationship, one who doesn't know HOW to be married and doesn't seem interested in learning. What's worse... your daughter's home life and stability is once more at risk, and that's not fair to her either. Your family members are clearly NOT your priority in life. Instead, you seem to have an ingrained tendency to serve YOURSELF first. If you want to straighten your life out... the MIRROR is the place to start. Go, and look in. And if you don't like the person you see, start changing her. Remember... every journey begins with a single step.
SoHotZanzibar Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 No! You are not crazy you silly! You are just a habitual cheater! If you are going to cheat on your husband who is that good to you, you are going to cheat on this new guy as well. It's in your blood! But be careful: you are screwing up the threads on here that say men do most of the cheating. You are kind of easy, actually. But hey, everyone is different, right?
Author bartles Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 "husband who is that good to you" OK..he has cheated on me before as well and I forgave him and we decided to work it out. Not saying he is a bad person but I can accept the fact that I am an habitual cheater...maybe the single life is my destiny.
reboot Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 You need to do this guy (your husband) a big favor and cut him loose. No one deserves a wife that cheats on him unmercifully with no guilt, no remorse. <whine> <whine> I'm only 28 <whine> <whine> You're full growed. You're a wife. You're a Mother. Deal with it.
SoHotZanzibar Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 "husband who is that good to you" OK..he has cheated on me before as well and I forgave him and we decided to work it out. Not saying he is a bad person but I can accept the fact that I am an habitual cheater...maybe the single life is my destiny. You didn't mention he cheated on you! Did I miss it in the original paragraph? I thought it said YOU cheated on him 6 years ago. And since he didn't give you the boot, I thought that was pretty good. SO what are the details of him cheating? Who cheated on who first?
reboot Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 It doesn't matter who cheated on who first. Cheating back is not a solution.
SoHotZanzibar Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 It doesn't matter who cheated on who first. Cheating back is not a solution. I think it matters. Lets see who destroyed the trust first.
reboot Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I think it's interesting there was never any mention of him cheating until the negative feedback started.
Author bartles Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 He actually cheated on me prior to the marriage. I of course accepted it and we moved past it. Once we were married he sought out a ex-love from high school. They had an "emotional affair" as he has never admitted to sleeping with her. I then cheated on him a year or so later. I've never pretended that the only reason I cheated was for revenge. I think that is a cop out. I cheated...and the fact that he cheated on me when I cheated did not resonate through me. I am a terrible wife because this is my second time cheating and I don't think it is fair to him. But I have tried to talk to him about my issues with him. He claims he doesn't know how to love and be romantic. We fu** instrad of make love because he says he doesn't know how. Personally I feel as though in order for things to work both of us need to truly want it to work. But that would mean starting over because I am not the same person he met 12 years ago.
SoHotZanzibar Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I think it's interesting there was never any mention of him cheating until the negative feedback started. Well, of course. Nothing is going to be this girls fault. She'll always dig up some blame.
reboot Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 The best relationship advice I've ever been given was, "The only person you can change is yourself". If you become a loving, fun to be with wife, there's a decent chance he'll follow your lead. I've seen it happen. And if not, what have you lost? Why would starting over with the man you swore to love for all time be bad while starting over with some loser that's just scoring an easy piece of tail while out of town and his gf can't catch him is ok? (Leave your husband for this guy and I suspect you'll quickly see the truth of that last statement)
Author bartles Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 His cheating on me is not an issue here. I left his cheating out because I am the one cheating and his cheating still doesn't make my cheating right at all. I said I was wrong..I know I am wrong. My H deserves someone who is loyal. I've never stated he was perfect nor me...but his cheating years ago certainly is not the issue here at all.
justice Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Bartles, You really need to go NC with the other guy. Having him in an already troubled marriage is a sure recipe for disaster. And unless you want a divorce you need to cut out the other man. No excuses, if you want your husband and your marriage, you need to rid yourself of the other man.
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