Jump to content

NC v CC (Don't do this while you are emotionally charged; wait until you calm down)

Yernasia Quorelios

By Yernasia Quorelios
in Coping

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Yernasia Quorelios Established Member

Yernasia Quorelios

Posted
Posted

Contact is fundamental to the emotional and mental well being of any social animal (humans are social animals :)).

 

Weaning off any addiction is an absolute nightmare. Weaning off the addiction of contact with one (or more) human(s) is one of the most difficult things a human being (or any other animal) can do (ask any mother :o).

 

No Contact (NC) is an effective method of working through the contact addiction and weaning off.

 

Limited Contact (LC) is also an effective method of working through the contact addiction and weaning off.

 

A third method, Controlled Contact (CC) is also an effective method of working through the contact addiction and weaning off.

 

CC is all about making a decision to contact your EX on a regular basis and ask after how they are. Relationship conversation is totally avoided.

 

How often CC takes place is up to the dumpee. They decide (control) when this contact takes place.

 

What does a proponent of CC do when the dumper says "stop calling me!"?

 

As long as the dumpee does not feel they are stalking (any reasonable person will agree that 3-4 days between calls is non-stalking :p) they take the advice of Divorce Busters et al and ignore most of what is said.

 

If a person is serious about stopping you being in contact, believe me, they will stop you :mad:.

 

What do you say/do during CC?

  • Avoid relationship talk
  • Do not expect a desired response
  • Expect calls/texts not to be returned
  • Be prepared for conciliatory gestures

If you decide to take this on board and give it a go, good luck :D. I believe you will succeed in either:

 

Weaning yourself off the contact

 

OR

 

Persuading your EX you are capable of seeing things from their point of view

Diplok Member

Diplok

Posted
Posted

To me CC is just another way of showing the dumper in the relationship that you have absolutely no self-respect. If someone dumps you, it is clear they "don't give a sh.. about you." So why call them? Why humiliate yourself?

 

If the dumper wants to know about you and how you are doing, let him or her call. If they don't, then that confirms the fact they simply don't care.

nittygritty Established Member

nittygritty

Posted
Posted

 

CC is all about making a decision to contact your EX on a regular basis and ask after how they are. Relationship conversation is totally avoided.

 

How often CC takes place is up to the dumpee. They decide (control) when this contact takes place.

 

What does a proponent of CC do when the dumper says "stop calling me!"?

 

As long as the dumpee does not feel they are stalking (any reasonable person will agree that 3-4 days between calls is non-stalking :p) they take the advice of Divorce Busters et al and ignore most of what is said.

 

If a person is serious about stopping you being in contact, believe me, they will stop you :mad:.

 

What do you say/do during CC?

  • Avoid relationship talk
  • Do not expect a desired response
  • Expect calls/texts not to be returned
  • Be prepared for conciliatory gestures

If you decide to take this on board and give it a go, good luck :D. I believe you will succeed in either:

 

Weaning yourself off the contact

 

OR

 

Persuading your EX you are capable of seeing things from their point of view

 

 

Forcing your presence in the life of someone that has dumped you sounds like a terrible idea. Most people would resent this.

 

When someone ends a relationship they usually don't want to continue to be in contact with you on a regular basis. As you said in your post, they will stop you. CC is advocating setting someone up to possible have a restraining order placed on them. Its harrassing behavior.

 

Ignoring the fact that your ex has dumped you by continually contacting them is not going to persuade the dumper that the dumpee is capable of seeing things from their point of you. If anything it will convince the dumper that they did the right thing, due to the fact that the dumpee is clearly mentally unstable.

heartoutside Established Member

heartoutside

Posted
Posted

I actually agree, kind of. If you were dumped or were told that they need space, I wouldn't contact them at all. If they contact you fine, go with the flow. But I think if someone walks away from a relationship, good or bad (Esp good) then they have to be the one to walk back or at least take a step twds you. Not the other way around....

WhiteKnight Established Member

WhiteKnight

Posted
Posted

Well I have to say that NC vs CC is an ongoing subject to tell ya the truth. Many people have asked me in person on "What is the best method..." However its really depending how the break up happened, how things ended and how bad you were treated.

 

Just by reading this whole thread so far, I would break it down on my own experiences.

 

No Contact (NC) to me is the very last resort if I could not get along with my ex or my ex would not get along with me. Hence, if my ex does not want anything to do with me... the worst case is that they would cut all ties and leave you behind. Otherwords they do the pure dump, block and leaving you tactic to show that a friendship is never possible with them.

 

And now I have to admit it hurts for short while but in the end you have to let them go in the end and just give up. If the ex wanted to come back and talk with you, I just give a 'cold shoulder' response as in not responding to their request or conversation. In the end because of the fact that the ex did not want anything to do with you in the first place, they would leave you behind.

 

Limited Contact (LC) with an ex friend or partner is a good thing in some way, if you want to be truthful to that person and regardless if the ex does not trust you. Sometimes to rebuild that trust is to stay on a very low key profile and talk when you are spoken to.

 

I've experienced this before, one of my ex's talk to me so randomly at times but I keep my distance and keep it straight to point. Answer only when you are spoken to (usually I let the ex who dumped me to initiate the conversation first, if they can not talk properly I just terminate the convo there without saying goodbye but thank them for stopping by).

 

I know when I get the impression with Limited Contact that the ex would not have any intention on seeing you again but usually I just tell them in a way that "...if you don't think I am worthy enough to be as your friend, cut me off and leave this place. Take what you have and never come back because if that is your choice, stick with it."

 

Sometimes it has happened to me before but some of my ex's have the strange habit of still communicating with me for some odd reason :S However I guess they love contradicting themselves but I grow tired of them lieing to me.

 

Controlled Contact (CC), well, I guess in a sense if you had betrayed your ex friend/partner's trust and want to fix the friendship. I suppose a CC is the way to go before things do work out in the end. Hence, sometimes the key person who wants to make sure things do work out are the ones who are demanding and controlling type people. If they want to put you under their thumb, that's not worth it but if you want to fix the past and create a good friendship... then both sides would have to work things out and make there own demands before an agreement could be made.

 

In terms about what a 'Dumper' should do to the 'Dumpee', basically if the dumper ended the relationship must of had a good reason or a lame lie of an excuse. The Dumpee would have to respect the Dumper and leave them be. The Dumper usually in the end would treat the person who was 'dumped' in a bad kind of way, being disrespectful and dishonest. Hence the 'dumpee' would just feel sad about the whole situation that they have been treated this way and would either take a final stand to become a 'dumper' to end the friendship or just leave them behind without saying goodbye.

 

To be honest, I took a final stand against my ex and I knew she was clearly unstable... hence she was a cheater but she wanted a friendship and I told her its possible. But as nearly 13 months have passed, I just walked away from her cutting slowly but surely with removing any possible contact details that would allow her to get reach of me. I don't trust her anymore and I will never will. I lied to her sometimes just to push her away and in the end she soon realised that she had destroyed our friendship where she tried to force me to give her my new contact details etc but after all her attempts had failed... giving me the "... you are a good friend..." made me laugh as I knew she did not mean it after all the pain I had suffered. I said nothing back to her about that except gave her the rolling eye expression on my face. Oh well, that's life.

nittygritty Established Member

nittygritty

Posted
Posted

If you truly want to move on with your life, you will stop contact with the dumper. The only situation I can think of that contact with your ex is a must is if the two of you have kids together. If there are no kids involved, why keep putting yourself through the painful emotions that are associated with the ending of that love relationship?

 

By keeping in contact with the dumper, the dumpee keeps themselves in the role of the victim. Guilt is usually the main reason that dumpers remain in contact with the dumpee. Also, it keeps an available backup person for sex, a shoulder to cry on and a loving admirer to feed the dumper's ego. It will always be a one-sided relationship because as soon as the dumper gets what they want they abandon the dumpee again. It is a vicious cycle to stay stuck in. You will be emotionally unavailable for a healthy, loving relationship with someone else.

 

If you have a dumper that keeps contacting you, tell them you forgive them but that in order for you to move on you can't remain in contact with them. Wish them well and let it go. They have nothing more to offer you but further rejection and pain.

 

IMO no contact is the best way to go, whether you were truly in love or just addicted to an unhealthy relationship. There is no advantage or benefit to a dumpee to keep in contact with the dumper. It is self defeating and you will waste much of your time ruminating over a relationship that ended the day that you were dumped. ;)

Curious139 Established Member

Curious139

Posted
Posted

Horses for courses, every relationship is different. I think NC is vital for at least 2 months or however long it takes for the hurt to fade enough that you can take a fresh look at life. It might be 6-12 months for some of us.

 

Limited Contact - depends upon who initiates it and their motivation. Genuine people do break up and still retain affection and sensitivity for the other. So if it really is limited - say fortnightly, then it may be fine. It can be nice to know the other person still thinks of you even if you can't be together.

 

I'd suggest email is best - words can be chosen rather than phone conversations which can go wrong very easily.

 

Controlled Contact - a good idea in the sense that a time and schedule can be agreed. It means you don't wait around for a message which never arrives, or you recognise that you cannot expect a reply. I'd suggest monthly or fortnightly.

 

In my case I'm sort of thinking of limited contact. I want to subtly remind her of my good points, show interest in the things which interest her, and see what happens. In the meantime hopefully I'll continue healing. We are still friendly, it is just that I waited too long to commit to her.....and lost her.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...