LoveDeluxe78 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I just broke up with the Ex! My story (Eyes Without A Face) is in the Breaking Up Section so I won't bore everyone again. lol But I'm hurting so much and crying more than I should. The pain from ending this relationship is stronger than the joy I ever felt in it! But why am I hurting so much? The thought of not seeing him anymore gives me anxiety, but being with him is equally painful. To think that he was so nonchalant when I ended it is hurting me even more. I have broken hearts in the past, unintentionally of course, but now it's my turn to have my heart broken. I know the future will be positive, but I can't be happy about it right now because right now I'm hurting.
loveinlife Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 hi love, i understand what you are going through. Its painful indeed. I hope you are getting some rest bc im from cali too and its about 2:34am here and im trying to get over what i just posted earlier. gluck love =)
nittygritty Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Him acting nonchalant when you dumped him is a very common, normal reaction. He didn't want to give you the satisfaction of seeing his reaction. You can't really use this as a gauge to how he really feels. I hope that you feel better soon. Break ups are painful and time will eventually heal this hurt your feeling. Good luck and take care.
kirikat Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Oh man - your story sounds so much like mine! What is it about ambivalent confused males that make us run like a dog chasing a rabbit? Mine wasnt cold, he was actually pretty sweet (when we were together) - but I was never the priority. I broke it off, and cried for a few weeks, and - honestly, my heart was shattered so badly I thought I would die. But, guess what? This morning stupid boy is writing and wanting to be "friends" - but, guess what? I have a date tonight. With someone tall, and handsome, who likes me... and calls me every day - and who has not been ambivalent for a second since he decided he wanted a date. With any luck, and if the guys is 1/2 in real life what he looks like on paper, I'm going to be "too busy" for quite some time. And I think... oh gee - so maybe I wasnt being an insecure imbecile for being frustrated, because - THIS is the way interested men are SUPPOSED to behave.... And here is one other thing I think is true - when we are with emotionally unavaliable men, it is because we are not available ourselves. Breaking if off is a great sign that maybe you ARE ready for an emotionally mature relationship. When you really close the door (after a few weeks of mourning) - it could just be that a new and better one will open.
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 Mine wasnt cold, he was actually pretty sweet (when we were together) - but I was never the priority. I broke it off, and cried for a few weeks, and - honestly, my heart was shattered so badly I thought I would die. Kirikat: Thank you for sharing your experience. Little excerpt from my post about the situation: I was with a guy who, when I met him, was fun, funny, sweet, intelligent, and with whom I clicked with in the beginning. So when we started going out, I thought I was going to be involved in a great relationship with a great guy......... The first time I told him how I felt, he pleaded for me to be patient with him and that he needed time to open up. Days, weeks, months went by and nothing changed; they actually got worse. I told him how I felt again, but this time he made no attempt to compromise in any way. He just wouldn't open up to me, be more emotionally open to me, or make me a priority in his life. Everything he placed before me, school (this I can understand), his friends - drinking with them, going out with them, etc., never inviting me to join, his hobbies such as his martial arts training, video games, etc, just seems like I was another one of his activities that he allocated a bit of time to, but other than that, he didn't want much with me. He hardly ever called me, we didn't talk much, when we hung out it was always at his house, watching TV for an hour or two and then that was it. He has taken me out only several times in the 9 months we've been dating. I'm not a high maintenance girl and I didn't ask for much except the affections and attention from someone I was with. And he couldn't give this to me. He told me this wasn't going to change because they were all important parts of him, and that if I was unhappy than I should move on! That hurt because it was such a slap in the fact to have someone tell you that they knew their actions made you unhappy, but they didn't care enough to change! He even said he needed to find a girl who didn't need much in terms of affection and attention and who wanted a very detached relationship. He was sweet enough at times to keep me hooked, that's the secret of an ambivalent man, but most of the time I felt I was at the bottom of his priority list. I think you are right that perhaps we get together with these types of men because we ourselves are not ready for a real fulfilling relationship, but I know I'm ready for one now and it just hurt to much being in one with someone who acted as if I was the least importance to him. Good to see you are moving on! I am where you were, my heart is shattered and I do feel like dying, but I am aware that it's only been a day since I ended it. Sigh!! MittyGritty/LoveInLife: Thank you for your encouraging words. I know I need to get over this, and I know it'll get better, but it helps hearing someone else tell you this. Today is Day 1!!!!!!
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 3, 2007 Author Posted September 3, 2007 I made the mistake of seeing him "one last time" and I ended up crying in his car telling him how much he hurt me, and he agreed that he did, which I thought would give me the closure I needed, after all, it was what I wanted to hear, but it made me feel worse! He walked me to the door and gave me a hug and I haven't talked or seen him for two days. In 2 days I'll be moving 300 miles away and not sure whether I will be back in this area. I know it's the right thing to do, but I'm just hurting so much! I haven't been able to sleep and been crying most of the time. The thought of not seeing him again makes me feel like I can't breath. It hurts a lot! I'm not sure whether I'm sad because I know I won't ever touch him, hug him, or kiss him again, or whether I'm mourning a dream that was shattered. I don't know what's causing the pain, I just know that it's painful. Anyone have any advice on how to cope with this?
kirikat Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 I'm so sorry. I know why you did what you did - and I wish it had given you what you needed. You hurt because of the end of a dream. You hurt because you wont ever be with him again. You hurt because you lost a love, and you hurt becuse the future is going to be uncertain, and you feel scared. You hurt because this is a painful situation, and not hurting would not be possible. Just like joy, pain is part of being a human. First, please - be exceptionally kind to yourself. Everytime you start going down the "If only I had...." track, simply STOP it. Focus on the breath, sit with the feelings of pain, confusion, fear... but stop the self talk. Just feel the feelings, without feeding them, and when you hear the thoughts label them as "thinking" and let them go. Try and keep in mind that 80% of what is going on is biochemical, and try your best to view it in the same way you would view the flu or food poisoning... (you dont BLAME yourself for catching a cold... do you?) If you have a friend you can trust, call him or her, and tell them what is going on, and ask them if they can help take care of you for a few days. Ask them to make sure you are fed, watered, and walked. (You wont have the energy to do this for yourself, but you need it....) (Is there anyway you can postpone the move for a few days? I am really really worried about you being alone and friendless in this state... you are already going to be feeling shocked and alienated - adding REAL alienation to these feelings is worrisome. Do you have friends where you are going?) Get a hold of some high potency vitamin B stress tabs - and take about 3 times the rec. dosage. B is water soluble, so any excess will come out. B will help support your immune system, as well as help prevent lasting depression. If you don't journal or blog, open one now. Vomit it out. All of it. Keep writing, as often as you need to. (Day one I probably wrote 14 entries). As much as you hurt right now, try and trust the universe. Try and know that you can either use this experience to spin down into depression (and thus guarentee that you will repeat it again....) - or you can use this as an opportunity for growth. You can USE this experience to get better, stronger, wiser, smarter - Finally - when you can find it - be a little proud of yourself. When you got into this, clearly you were not really emotionally available for a real, mutual, committed relationship (or you would not have gone into the ring with someone who was so not ready...). When you realized you didnt like what you were getting - you ended it. GOOD FOR YOU! This is a great sign that perhaps you ARE ready for a real, commited mutually nurturing relationship - and there was no way to get there without going through this. What you did was brave, courageous, and heroic! You took your OWN side, and you watched out for your self. Finally - do not be afraid to reach out for help. If you need, go see your doc for anti-depressants (I like trazedone, because its a mild antidepressant that works at low levels, and helps you sleep) - if you can afford it, see if you cannot find a counselor. As one friend said to me, the end of a relationship is like a death without a corpse. Treat yourself with as much compassion and love as you would treat a dear freind who has suffered the death of her companion. It will get better, you will be fine, and you should be very proud of yourself!
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 4, 2007 Author Posted September 4, 2007 Kirikat: Thank you so much for your concern. I have never even met you yet you seem to really care. I am moving back up to San Francisco where I'm originally from so fortunately it will be somewhere where I have a support system. My current roommate will also be relocating with me. At the same time, most of my close friends are down here in this current location. I am trying to see the "symptoms" as being biochemical and am trying to take it easy. I am also trying to learn to interpret these feelings of missing him as not necessarily reflective of the quality of the relationship, but rather a result of suddenly detaching oneself from a person who was close to you. I am doing better during the day, but it's still hard at night. My pain stems from the death of a dream, and from anger that I put my all into this relationship, and he never tried. It was almost as if he didn't want to see if there was a potential for something fulfilling with me. I am also missing him as a friend, and I don't know how I can get over this ex-lover and reunite with him as a friend. I don't think it's possible, at least for right now. I know I made the right decision. I do want a relationship that is more emotionally fulfilling and nurturing. And I have no fears of being single until I find such relationship, and I'm in no hurry to jump into another. It's just that I find it hard not to be with him, it's just a jolt to my core. I know I'll be in constant pain if I remain with him, even in a long distance relationship, yet I'm in pain right now having decided to move on. What scares me is that I feel "punished" for having given my all in a relationship. I know this is not the attitude to have, and I hope I can get over this so I don't carry baggage into my other relationships. In the past, it was so much easier to love and let go, but as I've gotten older, I'm not sure if it's because the stakes are higher, but it's so draining and painful. I'm still carrying on and I know I will get over this one day. Thank you for your kind words. I know there are situations worse than mine, but when you're in it knee deep, it's very overwhelming.
loveinlife Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 I'm so sorry. I know why you did what you did - and I wish it had given you what you needed. You hurt because of the end of a dream. You hurt because you wont ever be with him again. You hurt because you lost a love, and you hurt becuse the future is going to be uncertain, and you feel scared. You hurt because this is a painful situation, and not hurting would not be possible. Just like joy, pain is part of being a human. First, please - be exceptionally kind to yourself. Everytime you start going down the "If only I had...." track, simply STOP it. Focus on the breath, sit with the feelings of pain, confusion, fear... but stop the self talk. Just feel the feelings, without feeding them, and when you hear the thoughts label them as "thinking" and let them go. Try and keep in mind that 80% of what is going on is biochemical, and try your best to view it in the same way you would view the flu or food poisoning... (you dont BLAME yourself for catching a cold... do you?) If you have a friend you can trust, call him or her, and tell them what is going on, and ask them if they can help take care of you for a few days. Ask them to make sure you are fed, watered, and walked. (You wont have the energy to do this for yourself, but you need it....) (Is there anyway you can postpone the move for a few days? I am really really worried about you being alone and friendless in this state... you are already going to be feeling shocked and alienated - adding REAL alienation to these feelings is worrisome. Do you have friends where you are going?) Get a hold of some high potency vitamin B stress tabs - and take about 3 times the rec. dosage. B is water soluble, so any excess will come out. B will help support your immune system, as well as help prevent lasting depression. If you don't journal or blog, open one now. Vomit it out. All of it. Keep writing, as often as you need to. (Day one I probably wrote 14 entries). As much as you hurt right now, try and trust the universe. Try and know that you can either use this experience to spin down into depression (and thus guarentee that you will repeat it again....) - or you can use this as an opportunity for growth. You can USE this experience to get better, stronger, wiser, smarter - Finally - when you can find it - be a little proud of yourself. When you got into this, clearly you were not really emotionally available for a real, mutual, committed relationship (or you would not have gone into the ring with someone who was so not ready...). When you realized you didnt like what you were getting - you ended it. GOOD FOR YOU! This is a great sign that perhaps you ARE ready for a real, commited mutually nurturing relationship - and there was no way to get there without going through this. What you did was brave, courageous, and heroic! You took your OWN side, and you watched out for your self. Finally - do not be afraid to reach out for help. If you need, go see your doc for anti-depressants (I like trazedone, because its a mild antidepressant that works at low levels, and helps you sleep) - if you can afford it, see if you cannot find a counselor. As one friend said to me, the end of a relationship is like a death without a corpse. Treat yourself with as much compassion and love as you would treat a dear freind who has suffered the death of her companion. It will get better, you will be fine, and you should be very proud of yourself! Very well written, i wish i had a person like you who told me this a while back when i was suffering terribly. Now that i am healing, i totally understand the points you are saying in regards to taking care of ourselves. Love, good luck to you. It is a phase and im sure you will be okay. I just took a vacation to boston for a family wedding, it was refreshing. i guess getting out and going away a little might enhance your emotions. take care love.
Curious139 Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 I'd just like to add my compliments to Kirikat for the above post. You really do understand and express what we are all going through. Thanks.
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 4, 2007 Author Posted September 4, 2007 Oh wow, I've noticed a major shift in my emotions. The anger is starting to sink in! I find myself alternating between really missing him and being depressed to hating his guts and never wanting to see him ever again or allowing him the privilege of ever being my friend again! Please someone tell me this is normal!
Curious139 Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Absolutely normal. Grieving, which is what you are doing, is a complex range of emotions but there are recognised stages. Denial, sadness, anger, acceptance. However these can come in different orders and at different times, and moreover, repeat for you. It is tough but anger is part of it and helps you adjust. Let yourself feel it but also let the anger drain away in time. It isn't something to hold on to but it helps you gain back self-respect.
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 Just moved to the new city! Hate it here! Miss the ex! He started making contact again and I told him to respect my wishes not to contact me, and he got mad at me, which, for no other reason than I'm just a complete idiot, I felt bad, and couldn't go through with it! So the last couple of days we've been contacting through phone and text, and it's made me miserable in this new city! To make matters worse, I heard from some friends that he's already crushing on some new girls! Did I really mean nothing to him? I'm so disgusted and sad, and I feel like I've just relapsed again! Will it ever get better? I'm just hurting so bad!
NorCalDave Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 I'm sorry. I can picture moving to a new city and bringing your pain with you- fresh pain, that is, because you're talking to him again... ...it must feel like there's no solution to this mess...no way to feel better....talking to him makes you feel bad, but so does not talking to him...I am in the same predicament but we are not talking at all right now...I want to pick up the phone and call her to see how she is, but that wouldn't really get me anywhere. In fact, she might even hang up on me or tell me something I don't want to hear, so, really, what's the point? She ain't coming back, no matter how bad I want her to. It's out of my control. I know it's my urge to control the situation, but the toughest thing to accept is, sometimes, we just have no control over a situation and it is what it is. If these people were right for us, they'd be calling us and missing us like we do them. Hang in there. Oh, and welcome back to San Francisco. We're neighbors now!
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 I'm sorry. I can picture moving to a new city and bringing your pain with you- fresh pain, that is, because you're talking to him again... ...it must feel like there's no solution to this mess...no way to feel better....talking to him makes you feel bad, but so does not talking to him...I am in the same predicament but we are not talking at all right now...I want to pick up the phone and call her to see how she is, but that wouldn't really get me anywhere. In fact, she might even hang up on me or tell me something I don't want to hear, so, really, what's the point? She ain't coming back, no matter how bad I want her to. It's out of my control. I know it's my urge to control the situation, but the toughest thing to accept is, sometimes, we just have no control over a situation and it is what it is. If these people were right for us, they'd be calling us and missing us like we do them. Hang in there. Oh, and welcome back to San Francisco. We're neighbors now! Thank you for the welcome! I love SF, but I haven't lived here for about 10 years, so it's interesting, but painful in some ways coming back. I gues I've come full circle. Thank you thank you thank you for understanding! I feel like crap everytime I talk to him because I miss him and still want things to work, and knowing they never could, since our relationship was so full of problems, but then not talking to him is so painful as well! It's a Catch 22! I sorta wish he would hang up on me or refuse to talk to me! In some ways I think it would be easier because it would leave me no choice. But since I broke up with him (although he offered me no choice by being this cold, distant, partner), he still calls me and would still want to talk to me or for me to continue the long distance version of the former ****ty relationship with him, on HIS terms no less!, so the person initiating the no contact has got to be me! I've been doing better today. Everytime I think about him, whether it be missing him or hating him, instead of resisting or dwelling on that thought, I just acknowledge that feeling without judging it or putting too much into it, and I've found that it sorta goes away temporarily! Where in NorCal are you?
kirikat Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Get up this morning, and go have a great brunch. Then, go to the park, and visit the tea garden. The nice thing about SF is that there is always tons to do, especially in the city. Now, I am still having problems too... and I know how hard this is, but - you know something? Wouldnt it be better to be with someone who is simply mad about you? Someone who loves you the way you love them? We arent going to get it from these guys - they want to be loved, and if we try and get unhooked, they do all in their power to keep us, but they dont want to BE with us. Screw it. We all deserve better than that... I sometimes hope and pray that my ex would call me... but even if he did, how could I trust him? Honestly, if he ever does come back, it better be on bended knee, with 8 dozen roses and a ring. And maybe, if I am not seeing someone else, I MIGHT let him buy me a coffee.
loveinlife Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Get up this morning, and go have a great brunch. Then, go to the park, and visit the tea garden. The nice thing about SF is that there is always tons to do, especially in the city. Now, I am still having problems too... and I know how hard this is, but - you know something? Wouldnt it be better to be with someone who is simply mad about you? Someone who loves you the way you love them? We arent going to get it from these guys - they want to be loved, and if we try and get unhooked, they do all in their power to keep us, but they dont want to BE with us. Screw it. We all deserve better than that... I sometimes hope and pray that my ex would call me... but even if he did, how could I trust him? Honestly, if he ever does come back, it better be on bended knee, with 8 dozen roses and a ring. And maybe, if I am not seeing someone else, I MIGHT let him buy me a coffee. Where are all the girls like you?
kirikat Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Well... I am a san franciscan now living in Italy My email address is ladykiri at yahoo dot com.
NorCalDave Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 Thank you for the welcome! I love SF, but I haven't lived here for about 10 years, so it's interesting, but painful in some ways coming back. I gues I've come full circle. Thank you thank you thank you for understanding! I feel like crap everytime I talk to him because I miss him and still want things to work, and knowing they never could, since our relationship was so full of problems, but then not talking to him is so painful as well! It's a Catch 22! I sorta wish he would hang up on me or refuse to talk to me! In some ways I think it would be easier because it would leave me no choice. But since I broke up with him (although he offered me no choice by being this cold, distant, partner), he still calls me and would still want to talk to me or for me to continue the long distance version of the former ****ty relationship with him, on HIS terms no less!, so the person initiating the no contact has got to be me! I've been doing better today. Everytime I think about him, whether it be missing him or hating him, instead of resisting or dwelling on that thought, I just acknowledge that feeling without judging it or putting too much into it, and I've found that it sorta goes away temporarily! Where in NorCal are you? Miserable in Santa Rosa. I don't like being sad and miserable. I left a nice message for my ex today and no call back. I am so depressed and I don't want to!
loveinlife Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 Miserable in Santa Rosa. I don't like being sad and miserable. I left a nice message for my ex today and no call back. I am so depressed and I don't want to! i was going to do the same but resorted not to... hope you feel better soon. =)
NorCalDave Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 Thanks. Just know that you're not the only one feeling how you do. Most people would tell me to be happy and relieved that I got rid of someone not good for me, so why do I miss and pine for her so much? I wish I could just shut off the "ex" switch in my head... ...Anyways, I am not too far from you...let me know if you ever need anyone to talk to or anything.
Heartache11 Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 I understand how everyone is feeling. You know they are no good for you and it will never work. However, you get these urges to talk to them and that things will be alright when they really won't. I called on these urges to many times and this caused him to run away. Now he won't talk to me and I'm afraid he'll never speak to me again and he hates me. He wanted space, but would call me. I thought it was an invitation to talk and I could call when I wanted, but it wasn't. It's always on their terms and that's not right.
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 10, 2007 Author Posted September 10, 2007 Get up this morning, and go have a great brunch. Then, go to the park, and visit the tea garden. The nice thing about SF is that there is always tons to do, especially in the city. Now, I am still having problems too... and I know how hard this is, but - you know something? Wouldnt it be better to be with someone who is simply mad about you? Someone who loves you the way you love them? We arent going to get it from these guys - they want to be loved, and if we try and get unhooked, they do all in their power to keep us, but they dont want to BE with us. Screw it. We all deserve better than that... I sometimes hope and pray that my ex would call me... but even if he did, how could I trust him? Honestly, if he ever does come back, it better be on bended knee, with 8 dozen roses and a ring. And maybe, if I am not seeing someone else, I MIGHT let him buy me a coffee. You are so right!!!! He's doing everything in his power to keep me in the picture, but he doesn't want me, or at least in the way that I need him to be! He's had his chance, and he was nonchalant and distant, and pushed me away. Whenever we had a moment where we felt close, I would know that the next day he would be extra distant or cold with me. I know in my heart that he's just not the right person for me and I can't be in that type of relationship. His selfishness is what hurts me! If you don't want to be with me, then when I decide to let you go, then LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! I sometimes have this hope that he would come back as a changed person too. But at the same time, it's unfair to try and change someone, for they are who they are. I'm slowly coming to terms with that, but the thing that hurts me is that he never tried or gave it his all! At least if he did and it didn't work out, I would at least understand! Sigh! When I told him I wanted no contact for awhile for my psyche and he got mad at me, that further informed me that he never truly cared about me, for if he did, he would understand, that for the sake of preserving our friendship for the future, this would be the best option. You deserve so much better!!! Just keep that close to your heart and you will start to feel better!!! I can feel myself slowly getting there!!!
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 10, 2007 Author Posted September 10, 2007 Thanks. Just know that you're not the only one feeling how you do. Most people would tell me to be happy and relieved that I got rid of someone not good for me, so why do I miss and pine for her so much? I wish I could just shut off the "ex" switch in my head... ...Anyways, I am not too far from you...let me know if you ever need anyone to talk to or anything. I know, it's so hard!!!! I know in my head and my heart that he's just so wrong for me, but until that switch is turned off, I can't stop thinking of him!!! What's a person to do?
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