dazednConffuzed Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 So my Significant Other and I have been together for around 4 months. I have completely fallen for this girl, but a couple weeks ago I heard some things about her that have given me the sick/butterflies feeling in my stomach everytime I think about them... Finally tonight I couldn't sit on it anymore and I confronted her with what I had heard (since these new facts contradicted what she had told me about her sexual history). She reacted somewhat oddly, saying, "I knew you'd ask eventually...I've heard so many rumors about myself that weren't true, I knew you'd hear something sometime." We discussed it for a while and our conversation ended peacefully with me believing that the stories I had heard were false. It's just hard for me to let go the possibility that she's lying... is this normal? I WANT to believe her, but a story like the one I heard (just low-key enough to be possible but just crazy enough to be below my standards) is hard to forget. I understand that most people will have a sexual history by the time they're my age (19), and so I was able to overlook the fact that she had been with two different guys (admittedly), but hearing that she had been with three others in the same night (this was the story) was more than I could handle. I think the main reason that this bothers me is thinking that if it's true then that is a side of her I've never seen (and could it happen again??) Until her I was a virgin, so I value our relationship with all my heart, which probably doesn't help to ease my worries... What do you guys think..? Could she be telling the truth and I'm being paranoid over a silly rumor? Or is it common for someone to try and cover up large portions of their history like this in order to be up to their S.O's standards? Ugg I'm simply lost right now.
DevilPenguinPunx Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Why does this bug you? Rumors are just that. Rumors. You are overreacting to something that isn't even that big of a deal in my opinion. If the rumors were true, would that make you love her less? Would you break up with her? You shouldn't care about it whether or not it's true or not if you really have feelings for her. If you really like this girl, you just trust her. She told you what was what and that's that. That's what a relationship should be based on: TRUST. Honestly, worrying over something that is probably not true is not worth it. There are more serious things to worry about in a relationship than whether or not your girlfriend had been with five guys in a night. If you value your relationship that much with her, then give her that trust. If not, then that's a relationship that is not going to last.
huh Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Who is the source of your info? Women will start rumors about other women out of jealousy. Men will start rumors about a woman for revenge if she won't sleep with them. Evaluate your source to determine what they're getting out of it by repeating this info. If she was honest about being with 2 guys in one night (if I'm reading your post correctly), why would she lie about whether or not there were 3 others? If your post was intended to say that she'd been with 2 guys total, even if she was with 3 guys in one night, that was before she was with you. It may have been something out of character for her. Maybe she was under the influence of alcohol or other drugs. How does she treat you? Do you have any reason to think she may be cheating on you? If not, just relax and enjoy your relationship with her.
PoshPrincess Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Dazed - whether it's true or not is irrelevant. It's in the past and I would say that as long as she hasn't committed any sort of crime then leave it where it belongs. As you say, you were a virgin when you met her so maybe she doesn't want to share too much of her past sexual history with you for fear of making you feel inadequate. She obviously doesn't think you are inadequate in any way otherwise she wouldn't be with you! She IS with you now though and that is the most important thing. Keep the past in the past and concentrate on building your R together as jealousy and paranoia will just wreck things. Take it from one who knows!
stillafool Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Her past is her past. That's none of your business. Just worry about how she treats you and what happens from the time the two of you met. Don't worry about jealous people who spread gossip.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 DNC, I got you on this one! Her past is your business... because your dating her. To suggest otherwise is downright insulting. Your always going to have this type of feeling... until you have dated around a bit. Then it kind of becomes a non-issue. Until then just stick this out and try to learn as much as possible.
mintjulep Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Her past is your business... because your dating her. To suggest otherwise is downright insulting. Bullsh*t. She doesn't have to share what she doesn't want to share after four months, four years, or the rest of her life. It goes both ways. Obviously you should have this trust and be able to share anything with someone you love, but 1) They're KIDS. Nineteen? Jesus Christ, they're practically babies. Are you still with the person you were with when you were nineteen? 2) Some people are ashamed of things they've done. Some things simply aren't anyone's business and if THEY really love YOU, they will respect that. If they're really meant to be, the time will come when she will be able to open up to him - hopefully. Until then, it's up to you Dazed, as to whether or not you want to be with this girl. And if the answer is no, because of her past or becuase you think she's lying, then Thank GOD for her she didn't share a potentially vulnerable secret with you.
Saxis Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I agree with Cobra... If you're sleeping with her, it is your business to know that you're not going to "catch" something because of her past partners. Maybe you don't need to get all the details about each one, but a simple test by her will tell you everything you need to know.
sweetbutcheeky Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Finally tonight I couldn't sit on it anymore and I confronted her with what I had heard (since these new facts contradicted what she had told me about her sexual history). She reacted somewhat oddly, saying, "I knew you'd ask eventually...I've heard so many rumors about myself that weren't true, I knew you'd hear something sometime." I'm more curious why her sexual history is known to so many people that it sounds like a common topic? To the point where she knew you would be asking about it sometime.
jcster Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 DNC, I got you on this one! Her past is your business... because your dating her. There is only 1 relevant question on this little questionnaire: Have you had sexual intercourse before? NOT: how many times, with who, how many at a time, what position or where. To suggest otherwise is downright insulting. To suggest that it's not his business is insulting? Yet quizzing your date on their sexual past isn't? Por Que?
huh Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I'm more curious why her sexual history is known to so many people that it sounds like a common topic? To the point where she knew you would be asking about it sometime. Rumors about promiscuity are often used to harass/punish girls and young women. The link below gives an overview of how that happens and reviews of some books on the topic: http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/02/02/165214.php
mintjulep Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I agree with Cobra... If you're sleeping with her, it is your business to know that you're not going to "catch" something because of her past partners. And I agree with jcster: There is only 1 relevant question on this little questionnaire: Have you had sexual intercourse before? NOT: how many times, with who, how many at a time, what position or where. Knowing that she's been tested and is clean is the only pertinent information. The rest she might give you if she respects you and thinks you should know. It's arrogant to demand anything from anyone. Love isn't about being demanding, it's about respect. Sharing falls under the umbrella of respect, but so does acknowledging boundaries.
huh Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 And another review of one of the books, which also includes the reviewer's own experience of being the target of sexual rumors: http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2002/03/17/RV8635.DTL More reviews: http://www.amptoons.com/blog/files/review_fastgirls.html http://www.portlandmercury.com/portland/Content?oid=30066&category=22148 http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_hb1367/is_200204/ai_n5567089 Notice the mention that the girls are reputed to have had sex with an entire sports team. In my high school, there was a girl who was the target of that rumor. Also, in college, another woman was reputed to have had sex with the entire male part of her graduating class. Was a sports team part of the rumor?
Arizona100 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 If you're scared of STD you both go get tested, you don't ask how many partners your gf had... You can get an STD by sleeping with ONE person, you can be clean and have slept with hundreds because you had condoms... The STD argument is always weak... "you slept with only one guy? Oh well you must be clean!" ... whatever ...
JCD Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 You shouldn't care about her past but you should care about her lying to you or not. I don't care if my girl slept with the whole football team as long as she is telling the truth I'm happy. I had a friend who told me she slept with three guys and at first I was little shocked because it wasn't like her but I didn't really disrespect her. Actually, I respected her more for telling me the truth. My dad would always get mad when I lied to him but not as mad when I told him the truth that I did something wrong. I don't like being lied to face because then the person has other things they hide and the trust is gone.
Paddy1916 Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 i'm afraid i'll have to go against the tide on this one. if i discovered that the girl i was going out with, prior to my having met her, had slept with three different guys in the same night - and i know for a fact that it was true i.e. she admitted to me it was true - then the relationship would be over, and no two ways about it. i think you are perfectly within your rights, if you are having a relationship with her, to confront her about it. whether to believe her or not when she denied it is for you to judge. i agree that as a general principle the past should be left in the past. but for me this is a fundamental question of self respect, reputation and honor. shagging 3 different guys in a single night is a different league and a dealbreaker. just my $0.02. paddy
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 I was able to overlook the fact that she had been with two different guys How incredibly selfish of you. Why not start accepting the fact that she has been with two different guys (gasp!). Better yet, stop making her sexual past matter to you so much, and once you achieve that then perhaps she might consent to share more details about it with you.
huh Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 My experience, which is somewhat limited being I'm in my early 40s (never married) & have a total of 5 sexual partners, is that guys who obsess over it have some issues. One guy was quizzing me before we got to the intimacy stage. This was a few years ago. To me, it seemed kind of weird, possessive & paranoid to be obsessing on who I may have had sex with. We never got to the intimate stage because his behavior was a red flag. Did he honestly think in his late 30s, he was going to meet someone in her late 30s who was a virgin? None of the other guys I've ever dated questioned me like that.
Yamaha Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Since you were a virgin I can understand your concern about your girl. Is there an acceptable # of sex partners for you? If she had 5 sex partners but not on the same night would that be better than if she went wild and had an orgy with the football team? I guess it depends on how she treats you. If she flirts with other guys in your presence then you need to kick her to the curb but if she rocks your world and only your world then a little experimenting before she met you is just curiosity. I would take her at her word.
DOA Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Agree with Paddy. If you ain't comfortable being with someone who does/did that, then don't be with her. I firmly believe past behavior is a good indication of future behavior...to say that it's irrelevant to who she is now or what she does now is bull. But the bigger issue here, is of course, whether or not she is lying. What does your gut tell you? I've found that gut instinct is terribly accurate.
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