Author Mr M. Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 Ha! It just occurs to me you kind of think like a guy! Yes, she does.
Trialbyfire Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I would die for her!!! I have no doubt but does she know that? Do you ever defend her where she can see it? If not, she maybe feeling as Cobra put it "invalidated".
Author Mr M. Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 It says Ive had so many crazy freakin girlfriends that I've gotten to a point where I can almost read thier minds! I'm like some kind of swami for women who are nutters! If he listens to me, his frustration may well dissapear! Your realize its not the thread thats funny... Its me! The classical "yes, dear!", eh? The same principle is also summarized in the following question: "do you want to be right, or you want to be happy?"
Author Mr M. Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 What good does it do to have a grumpy landlord on your enemy list? Maybe by taking a higher road and being a little courteous even in the face of somewhat rude behavior. In the long run, he might not intentionally put you at the bottom of his repair list. See what I mean? That is exactly my philosophy! I like the way you think!
Author Mr M. Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 I have no doubt but does she know that? Do you ever defend her where she can see it? If not, she maybe feeling as Cobra put it "invalidated". I never had the chance in 9 years that we have been together. I would, though!
Trialbyfire Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I never had the chance in 9 years that we have been together. I would, though! Okay, Cobra was right. She is feeling invalidated. I suspect there were other situations where you didn't back her because you considered them to be irrational requests, whether they were or not. While I agree that this isn't a rational situation, looks like you're going to have to bite the bullet and back her on this, if you want to make peace.
Author Mr M. Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 Damn it! Why in situations like these it is always the guy that has to "bite the bullet"? I mean why can't she think logically about the whole situation and realize that it's not worth the pain? If I say "yes, dear" this time I am going to have to say it next time, and next-next time, and so on. I am not a saint myself......but at least I don't get upset for trivial things like these.
Trialbyfire Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 While this may not help to make you feel better, ever...single...man...I've ever been close to, I've had to bite the bullet enough times over irrational situations. It goes both ways. Women tend to bite the bullet without getting visibly frustrated over it. We just roll our eyes and do it.
Author Mr M. Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 Women tend to bite the bullet without getting visibly frustrated over it. We just roll our eyes and do it. Mmmm......that's questionable, and might be the topic of a different thread. Gotta go to bed now, thank you all for your comments/suggestions.
Trialbyfire Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Mmmm......that's questionable, and might be the topic of a different thread. Gotta go to bed now, thank you all for your comments/suggestions. Ha...another thread and btw, not so questionable. You're welcome. Good luck with your wife.
a4a Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Interesting indeed. Since I have been in your wife shoes and have had my own H ignore, dismiss, and not validate my thoughts or acknowledge my distress - I think I know why your wife is pissed. She is not acting like a baby. She likely is more upset over your treatment toward her than she ever will be over the rude landlords. You have to keep in you mind that just because you don't share a feeling - have empathy for another persons situation - dismissing their feelings and blaming them is not being a supportive friend or spouse. You are the one hurting her now. I could give you several examples where my thoughts or distress has been dismissed by my own H. Keep in mind since you did not witness the actual situations involving the landlord doesn't mean they did not happen or were not severe. You choose not to believe your wife and dismiss her feelings. Not nice. Keep it up and she will grow more and more resentful of you because you don't have her back. And here you are posting that she is wrong...... a baby. She may not be handling it well but IMHO you are being a umempathetic azz.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Damn it! Why in situations like these it is always the guy that has to "bite the bullet"? I mean why can't she think logically about the whole situation and realize that it's not worth the pain? If I say "yes, dear" this time I am going to have to say it next time, and next-next time, and so on. I am not a saint myself......but at least I don't get upset for trivial things like these. Well, its about big picture thinking! I really doubt she even cares about the landlord that much. So while your thinking about this tiny little situation at hand... she's looking at the overal attitude and trend! I would bet once she is reasonable assured that you are going to protect her... then the "illogical" part of the situation will begin to set in. Even if she is stubborn and doesnt want to admit it!
a4a Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Damn it! Why in situations like these it is always the guy that has to "bite the bullet"? I mean why can't she think logically about the whole situation and realize that it's not worth the pain? If I say "yes, dear" this time I am going to have to say it next time, and next-next time, and so on. I am not a saint myself......but at least I don't get upset for trivial things like these. but you are upset over something so trival that if you were being logical it could easily be overcome. You big BABY!!!
Author Mr M. Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 Interesting indeed. She is not acting like a baby. She likely is more upset over your treatment toward her than she ever will be over the rude landlords. My treatment? And why am I treating her so badly, after all? Just because I decided to be reasonable and saying "hi" to the landlord (just "hi") every time I see him? Believe me, on a day to day basis I treat her extremely well. Interesting indeed. You have to keep in you mind that just because you don't share a feeling - have empathy for another persons situation - dismissing their feelings and blaming them is not being a supportive friend or spouse. I am a very empathetic person, believe me. However, this time (and we are talking about a very specific situation) she is not being mature....period! What do you do when you have a problem with your husband/wife? Most likely you talk about it.........not ignore your partner! I already stopped talking to the landlord (before the "accident" we used to chit-chat a little bit.......now we don't........he is an ass and I admit it........and my wife knows I agree with her on that) but I cannot start being rude to him (i.e. not saying "hi" to him whenever I meet him) just because my wife told me to. Interesting indeed. You choose not to believe your wife and dismiss her feelings. Not at all. I am very sorry she feels this way......but I cannot just make her happy by pretending I agree with what she thinks. If I did that I would really treat her like.........a baby. She is in her mid 30s, damn it! Interesting indeed. I could give you several examples where my thoughts or distress has been dismissed by my own H. Please do, I'd like to compare. She may not be handling it well but IMHO you are being a umempathetic azz. ..............yes, right
a4a Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 My treatment? And why am I treating her so badly, after all? Just because I decided to be reasonable and saying "hi" to the landlord (just "hi") every time I see him? Believe me, on a day to day basis I treat her extremely well. I am a very empathetic person, believe me. However, this time (and we are talking about a very specific situation) she is not being mature....period! What do you do when you have a problem with your husband/wife? Most likely you talk about it.........not ignore your partner! I already stopped talking to the landlord (before the "accident" we used to chit-chat a little bit.......now we don't........he is an ass and I admit it........and my wife knows I agree with her on that) but I cannot start being rude to him (i.e. not saying "hi" to him whenever I meet him) just because my wife told me to. Not at all. I am very sorry she feels this way......but I cannot just make her happy by pretending I agree with what she thinks. If I did that I would really treat her like.........a baby. She is in her mid 30s, damn it! Please do, I'd like to compare. ..............yes, right and she can't just pretend to agree with you either.
Author Mr M. Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 True. But, the difference is that while I accept the fact we think in different ways and am ok with her not talking to the landlord (I don't agree with it......but I accept that), she is mad at me for not reacting the way she want me too.
a4a Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 True. But, the difference is that while I accept the fact we think in different ways and am ok with her not talking to the landlord (I don't agree with it......but I accept that), she is mad at me for not reacting the way she want me too. No more than likely she believes you are totally dismissing her. The landlord is only a minor thing to her.
a4a Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I will provide some personal examples of my own H dismissing my thoughts, feelings, and the path it lead to: 1. H's long ago X started stalking us when she found out we were getting married. 1st time I just mentioned it was inappropriate, 2nd time she laid it on thick.... I was pissed because he took no action...thought it better to just ignore it... 3 rd time I reached your wifes point where she is now. He dismissed my ability to see where she was going with it and dismissed my initial request to do something about it...... 4th time he finally saw my side of it. I am still pissed over this. 2. A friend of a friend offered to have sex with me at our reception..... I told H later.... his response was "what do you want me to do about it". I did not want him to kill the guy, beat him up, or tell him off.... I just wanted my H to acknowledge the guy was totally disrespectful of BOTH OF US. 3. Guy stuck his nasty ass tongue in my ear at a bar, and told me repeatedly how he wanted to "eat me"..... his wife was right there..... I told my H about it later....... again reaction I expected was not to kill him... just acknowledge it.... understand how upset it made me. 4. H watched 2 dogs attack me and some zippity doo dah animal rights nut job refused to give me the paperwork on the dogs...... H just sat there and watched the whole thing go down...... I was more angry with my H then the nut job. I expect nut jobs, drunken men, serial cheaters, and crazy ass X's to not give a rip about my feelings..... but no matter what my H should. Of course he has stated since he did not witness it or over hear it himself it is hard for him to react (doesn't believe it happend I guess)...... that causes a terrible feeling for the person it happened to. If I tell my husband Big Fruckin' Foot flipped me off my H should be supportive of me even if he doesn't believe in Big Foot. No need for him to kick BFF's ass but at least show some empathy and support. Trust comes into play here as well I believe. H also dismissed my ability to pick up the kitchen chickens next moves..... after 2 years he now calls her a fat biotch or "C".... it was ok when I was the one being abused by her.... but until he experienced it himself he would say "well that's just the way she is". It has lead to mountains of resentment.... lack of trust....... and throwing of quality cheese. Perhaps the problem is similar....... she feels like just because it did not happen to you - you easily dismiss it...... but really it is not about you talking to the landlord at this point. It is about her not knowing if she trusts you and you will be there when she does need you. Regardless likely I have wasted my time here. You won't budge because you likely don't want to be wrong or look wrong. Hell I don't know. Ever been stung by a wasp.... it hurts..... but it makes it ten times worse if somebody says " get over it, it didn't hurt that much". You don't care about killing the wasp then.... just want to smack the hell outta the person that made the remark to you. Is it Miller Time Yet?
justice Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I'm sorry but my inner instinct tells me there is more to the situation between your wife and the landlord than she's told you, and I'm not talking about them being well....you know. I'm thinking he's done something or said something to your wife that she isn't telling you about, and blaming it on something else the landlord has done that you do know about. Whew, did that make any sense? It seems like in overreacting, there is an underlying cause. I'd get to the bottom of it and end all bad feelings between everyone. JMHO
Mezzi Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I wouldnt take it as far as to stop speaking to you BUT id be upset that you told him hello to tell you the truth. It kind of makes it seem like she is a bitch and you are the nice guy. In a case such as this its better you didnt act friendly to the guy. In my opinion there doesnt have to be anything else going on between the landlord and your wife. She probably just really hates the guy for regular reasons and just wants you to hate him along with her.
sothisislove Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I must admit that I had to chuckle a little bit after reading this. I understand your wifes point of view on this issue. And I understand that you are completely confused about it all. To your wife, you are supposed to support her, stand by her side....stand up for her when she isn't treated fairly or respectfully. I'm sure you do this when you feel it is necessary. But a man's opinion of when it's necessary and woman's opinion of when it is necessary are two different things. Especially if you weren't there to witness what happened. That being said, I will try to explain. Your wife obviously does not like your landlord at all. In her eyes, he's disrespected her. Because of that, you are supposed to support her feelings. That means you aren't supposed to talk to him unless it is absolutely necessary. Saying hello isn't absolutely necessary. Because you said hello to him, you were choosing him over her. Basically, she feels like you are more concerned with being polite and courteous to him than you are to giving him a taste of his own medicine. In doing so (not speaking), it would have appeared to her that you were letting him know you were aware of his disrespect to her and you were not going to tolerate it. She wanted you to pass by him and act like he wasn't even there. She probably even wanted you to say something to the effect of, "Hey, you need to start being nice to my wife." LMAO! Now, I agree that the entire explanation above sounds ridiculous, childish and crazy. It is. But it's how women think. When she mentions how much she despises him you could support her by saying something like, "Yeah, he is a jerk" or "I better not ever witness him treating you that way". Don't say, "Well, I wasn't there so I don't know what happened" or "well, he's our landlord...I have to talk to him" because then you are questioning her and making her feel a sense of doubt. Maybe next time you pass by him and your wife is with you, you still tell him "hello" but when he's no longer around you mention to your wife, "that jerk doesn't deserve to be told hello...if he wasn't our landlord........", or something to that affect. In doing so, you are supporting her without actually doing anything confrontational. And that way you don't have to be rude to him. But truthfully, if your wife feels that strongly about it, if he really has been rude to her on more than one occassion, maybe you do need to put him in his place. Landlord or not...your wifes feelings do come first no matter what. That doesn't mean go clobber the guy...LOL!!! Women get easily offended. If someone, especially a man, steps on our toes...we don't just forget about it. We expect our husband to always be on our side. Sometimes the genders clash when it comes to defining what that actually means. Just support her. Reassure her everyday that you love her. Let her know that she deserves respect and you will not tolerate anyone that doesn't show her respect. She just wants to know you are on her side. Buy her some flowers and take her out to dinner. Women love cards. Go buy a sappy one and write a paragraph or two about how much you love her. She'll be happy again in no time! : )
annabelle75 Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I honestly don't think you did anything. Her perception of the situation is that she is in the midst of this big dramatic fued and you crossed over enemy lines by saying "hi." In her head, she thinks because you were nice to the landlord that she is now humiliated and the landlord thinks you have no problem with him being rude to her. She's over reacting. In and of its self, her not talking to you is very childish. You need to sit down and have a long talk with her. Explain to her that he IS your landlord so you don't feel the need to aggrivate and already tense situation. In all honestly I don't find the landlords behavior to be that horrible. In life you are going to run into people you don't get along with, thats just the way it is. You can't run around declaring war everytime you meet some one you don't like and expect everyone around you to fall in line. Let her know you are on her side but you see no need to make it any worse. I'm really bothered by her not talking to you for such a prolonged period of time. She really needs to find a more mature and constructive way to handle her feelings.
Author Mr M. Posted September 1, 2007 Author Posted September 1, 2007 Yes, I agree with you! To me your reasoning is very logical. BTW, today it's a little over 6 days that my wife is not talking to me.....WTF! I guess she is expecting me to say something first.....I don't know. I am curious to see how far she is willing to bring this argument. Also, a couple of hours ago I saw my landlord in the parking lot. Thank God my wife wasn't there with me! He said "hi", I said "hi".....end of the story. Being nice would have been replying "hi, how are you today? And your family? Everything ok?"......but I haven't said anything like that since my wife started having problems with him. I my opinion being mature means just saying "hi" every time I find him in front of my face or we are stuck together in the elevator (for example). Should he start asking me any questions, I would feel compelled to reply. I can stop being nice to him, but I won't start being rude..........there is no need.
michelangelo Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Ok, I'm with Justice here who pointed out that there may be an underlying conflict your wife has not told you about. That aside, is your wife in the habit of having enemies and being a drama queen? If so, my next suggestion will not work. The cycle will be repeated. But if she is not a drama queen who makes enemies, I suggest moving.
annabelle75 Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Yes, I agree with you! To me your reasoning is very logical. BTW, today it's a little over 6 days that my wife is not talking to me.....WTF! I guess she is expecting me to say something first.....I don't know. I am curious to see how far she is willing to bring this argument. Also, a couple of hours ago I saw my landlord in the parking lot. Thank God my wife wasn't there with me! He said "hi", I said "hi".....end of the story. Being nice would have been replying "hi, how are you today? And your family? Everything ok?"......but I haven't said anything like that since my wife started having problems with him. I my opinion being mature means just saying "hi" every time I find him in front of my face or we are stuck together in the elevator (for example). Should he start asking me any questions, I would feel compelled to reply. I can stop being nice to him, but I won't start being rude..........there is no need. 6 days of not talking to you is ludicrous. I don't care what you did. Her little silent tantrum is extremely childish. My parents use to conduct seminars on marriage counseling (my father is a pastor and they are both in the ministry). They say that that kind of behavior is wrong no matter what the reason. She is manipulating you and it is not healthy. Does she have any idea of what kind of damage she will do to the marriage if she continues to act like this? I really don't think that what happened in the first place excuses her behavior now. It doesn't really matter who is right and who is wrong, what she is doing now is extreme and damaging. If you let her get away with it now, this is how she will handle every disagreement you have in the future.
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