mental_traveller Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 There seem to be two schools of thought on this: 1. People are naturally non-monogamous, and after the initial rush of love & passion fades away, relationships become more routine and then either party is vulnerable to temptation. Anyone, if they are put in a certain situation and faced with temptation from someone they find attractive, is going to find it very hard not to give in. The potential rush and the attention from another person makes it too hard to stay faithful, and thus cheating happens. Anyone could cheat if given the right opportunity. 2. People aren't biologically driven to cheat, and just because you see an attractive person does not mean you suddenly feel the strong urge to have to sleep with them. Rather, cheating occurs when there is a serious problem or incompatibility in a relationship. Whether it is a man sexually frustrated with his wife, or a woman feeling neglected or taken for granted by her husband, these rifts are what drives people apart and makes them vulnerable to cheating. If another person comes along who can seemingly fill that void in the relationship, the committed person is going to be strongly tempted to cheat. In other words, do people cheat for variety, adventure etc? Or because they are dissatisfied with their partner/relationship? Personally I think it's number 2 that causes the majority of affairs & one-night stands. If two people are in love and sexually satisfied, the chances of them cheating even when tempted are IMO very low. People usually start thinking of "adventure", "excitement" etc only when they are not getting it from their partner. What do you think?
JackJack Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 In other words, do people cheat for variety, adventure etc? Or because they are dissatisfied with their partner/relationship? What do you think? I think it's different for different people. I'm not sure there is a "Main" cause really. I think lots of factors can play into it.
bartles Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I think it can be either 1 or 2 depending on the person. For women (or at least for me) I cheated because I was lacking something in my relationship and truly wanted something more..found a guy who gave that to me although I think he was in it for the sex. In the long run cheating is not healthy and can wreak havoc on not only your relationship but on the individual who is cheating as well.
a4a Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Boredom is another cause. Sameness...... nothing new causes the first new thing, be it a hobby, a lover on the side, or a new dog to seem like the best thing at the moment. Impulsive boredom fulfillment. Not the need to fill a void that a spouse is responsible for in a relationship.... but some people just are ADD with their interests. Need something new regardless of what it is.
lindya Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Boredom is another cause. Sameness...... nothing new causes the first new thing, be it a hobby, a lover on the side, or a new dog to seem like the best thing at the moment. Impulsive boredom fulfillment. Not the need to fill a void that a spouse is responsible for in a relationship.... but some people just are ADD with their interests. Need something new regardless of what it is. A friend of mine has a boyfriend just like this. He thinks she's a good match for him, but nonetheless he can't stomach the idea of sleeping with the same woman for the rest of his life. As a result of which the relationship is now on the rocks. However much she tries to rationalise it she can't get rid of that "I'm not good enough" feeling that his craving for variety leaves her with - and she's run out of coping mechanisms for dealing with it. It would be very destructive to tell someone like my friend "clearly something is wrong with your relationship, and you must take responsibility for that." One of the things, I think, that has kept her plugging on is the belief that she is responsible and that she can therefore change things (stop him from wanting to sleep with other women) if she just tries hard enough/is thin and beautiful enough/generally perfect enough. She can't change his mindset. In most ways they are highly compatible, but that doesn't alter the fact that he wants to sleep with other women and feels that an exclusive relationship is too restrictive for him. So when you get a guy with that outlook, who desperately wants to hang onto the relationship with someone he has a strong connection with and feels generally happy with - but who also has that craving for variety that results in him being prone to depressive episodes when it's not being met - the chances are he's going to cheat in an effort to maintain the semblance of an exclusive relationship (to keep her happy) while satisfying that desire for variety.
Lizzie60 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Definitely No. 1. 1. People are naturally non-monogamous, and after the initial rush of love & passion fades away, relationships become more routine and then either party is vulnerable to temptation. Anyone, if they are put in a certain situation and faced with temptation from someone they find attractive, is going to find it very hard not to give in. The potential rush and the attention from another person makes it too hard to stay faithful, and thus cheating happens. Anyone could cheat if given the right opportunity. People get bored... especially men..they need more sex (most cases) and they become 'rationed' after the passion has faded away... as soon as they get a little attention, (ex. from a work colleague) their ego is boosted and they like the rush... they get curious... want to see where it will go... and get hooked... and once they've tasted that 'lust'.. they get addicted.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Let's not forget validation. Some people cheat simply to see if they objectively still "have it" in terms of being able to seduce and be seduced. They thrive on giving and receiving that particularly intense attention that newly in lust couples share.
lindya Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I found myself coming back to this question, posed by MT, today. I made a minor blunder at work, and my instant reaction was "well - I'm stressed. I've got too much on. F*ck - I hate this job sometimes." Then I realised I was just lying to myself to feel better about the mistake. If I'd been honest, up until I made that blunder I wasn't stressed. The job's generally fine. As for having too much on - well there had been time enough to post on LS during working hours and I also sent and read a couple of personal emails. It's not a case of having too much on, being stressed or hating the job. I made a mistake because I was daydreaming instead of paying attention. How often do you see people do that at work? They f*ck up - and instantly a stream of excuses come out. "I didn't sleep very well last night. I've not been myself lately...I've been feeling a migraine coming on" etc etc. Sometimes it rings true, other times you think "Hmmm...you seemed fine 5 minutes before you made that mistake. Sure you're stressed now. Screwing up at work will tend to have that effect, but up until the point you realised you'd screwed up you seemed as happy as a sandboy. I think it can be the same with relationships, when someone's cheated. Feeling stressed and feeling guilty aren't very conducive to happiness and wellbeing - and I think both the relationship, and the other person can unfairly become focuses for that guilt. "They're making me feel that way. I wouldn't have done such a thing if the relationship had been going well. I'm not the sort of person who cheats....there must be something wrong with the relationship/the other person, or we're just incompatible. It's nobody's fault. It's just circumstances" Taking personal responsibility for an action we're ashamed of is never easy...and the more severe the consequences (or the more distress we cause to another person through our actions), the harder it is to take that responsibility. Sure sometimes there are mitigating external factors - but I do think sometimes people invent them, truly believe in them - because that makes it easier to look in the mirror - and let themselves off the hook a bit.
Herzen Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 None dare call it love. For some, love, full, no holds barred, untrammeled love for the affair partner is why they risk all to be with him or her. Don't allow our hatred of affairs blind us to the role that romantic love plays.Sometimes noble emotions and feelings lead us into ignoble actions.
IpAncA Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I think it's different for different people. I'm not sure there is a "Main" cause really. I think lots of factors can play into it. I agree. I've heard some out in the field insane responses. Just depends IMO.
Lizzie60 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 None dare call it love. For some, love, full, no holds barred, untrammeled love for the affair partner is why they risk all to be with him or her. Don't allow our hatred of affairs blind us to the role that romantic love plays.Sometimes noble emotions and feelings lead us into ignoble actions. very true...
myluck35 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 It's hard work to keep a relationship going. Just think to your dating days, not seeing each other for a few days, the anticipation and getting ready. And when you are finally together you dont waste time thinking of the bad stuff, you concentrate on the positive. Fast forward a few years and youre living together or married. You expose each other to all the moods, good and bad. You cant look hot all the time. There is bills and stress and life in general. What a bummer that is for a relationship. Now there is the good stuff like companionship but its not that hot spark that was there at the start. Enter Mr. or Ms. Mmm did you know youre hot and you havent heard those words in a while. Once again its the thrill of the hunt, the danger of the unknown, and youre not concentrationg on the bad stuff. Who can resist?
spanishflower Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I have a bestfriend that has only been dating for 6 months. She has already been talking about marrage and getting house and kids with this guy. The guy feel the same way. She told me that she has been thinking about letting him move in with her and she had ask me for my advice. she has always told her self that the only way that she would move in with a guy is if the guy gave her a ring and promise to be married to her. I think that the both of them are moving to fast and I am not sure on what to really tell since I don't care for the guy. I need your help please.......
lonelybird Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 None dare call it love. For some, love, full, no holds barred, untrammeled love for the affair partner is why they risk all to be with him or her. Don't allow our hatred of affairs blind us to the role that romantic love plays.Sometimes noble emotions and feelings lead us into ignoble actions. so the noble emotion is just for self, not for others? sounds like the noble emotions is quite limited. If it is noble emotion, it should extend to others as well
IamASelfishSOB Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 For me it was absolutely all about ego. It fed my self-worth in such a way that I had total disregard for the consequences. I think a person that is totally comfortable with themselves is much less likely to cheat. Do people like that exist?
2sunny Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 For me it was absolutely all about ego. It fed my self-worth in such a way that I had total disregard for the consequences. I think a person that is totally comfortable with themselves is much less likely to cheat. Do people like that exist? yes, i am one of them! i would never cheat.
luvmy2ns Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 None dare call it love. For some, love, full, no holds barred, untrammeled love for the affair partner is why they risk all to be with him or her. Don't allow our hatred of affairs blind us to the role that romantic love plays.Sometimes noble emotions and feelings lead us into ignoble actions. Clearly, you are confusing "lust" with "love."
luvmy2ns Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 It's hard work to keep a relationship going. Just think to your dating days, not seeing each other for a few days, the anticipation and getting ready. And when you are finally together you dont waste time thinking of the bad stuff, you concentrate on the positive. Fast forward a few years and youre living together or married. You expose each other to all the moods, good and bad. You cant look hot all the time. There is bills and stress and life in general. What a bummer that is for a relationship. Now there is the good stuff like companionship but its not that hot spark that was there at the start. Enter Mr. or Ms. Mmm did you know youre hot and you havent heard those words in a while. Once again its the thrill of the hunt, the danger of the unknown, and youre not concentrationg on the bad stuff. Who can resist? Who can resist? People with a little integrity and an ability to consider anyone outside the circumference of their own cranium.
IamASelfishSOB Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 yes, i am one of them! i would never cheat. Yeah? That's what I said too. For 41 years it was true. How many people have you developed a friendship with that approached you about having an affair? If this has happenned, was this person attractive to you on a personal and physical level? Did you perceive this person to be more "right" for you than your spouse? When this happenned, what was the state of your marriage? At the time, were you going through a difficult period in your life and your spouse seemed to busy to notice? Only a few of the variables. There are many soooo many more.
bish Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Personally I think it's number 2 that causes the majority of affairs & one-night stands. If two people are in love and sexually satisfied, the chances of them cheating even when tempted are IMO very low. I don't think so at all. My stbexW and I had sex all the time and it was fantastic when she cheated on me(the first time that I never knew about for years). We did everything together and couldn't be separated. She had her night out with "the girls" here and there and thats when it happened. So in my opinion, reason #2 could be an explanation, but not in all cases. I think there are just people out there that aren't satisified with just one person for too long. There is probably nothing wrong with the betrayed partner, just the cheater wants to taste everyone they are attracted to. I know this isn't all cheating cases, but in a good majority of them I think it is. It definitely was in my case.
LoveLace Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I agree with bish, I've known a few people in my lifetime in what they perceived as fulfilling relationships sexually and emotionally, but they still don't have it in them to be totally faithful...there are some who can't truly committ no matter how great the relationship or sex is. However, these cheaters were usually aware and voiced that the problem was them, not with the person they cheated on. But I think it's still safe to say that in most circumstances, cheating results when someone isn't for some reason what they consider "happy" enough in their current Rship.
Mustang Sally Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I think Luvmy2ns has it. Basically, it always boils down to "selfishness." If you want the ego stroke, it's selfishness (wanting the personal validation). If you are denied sex at home and seek it elsewhere, ultimately, it's selfishness (wanting your own sexual needs fulfilled). If you fall in love with another person and want to have the happiness of being with that person, it's selfishness (wanting to be with the person you love). etc. etc. etc. ad infinitum... Pretty much, I've decided that humans are neither inherently "GOOD" or "BAD" but rather SELFISH. From the minute we are born to the second we die, pretty much everything we do is ultimately related to self-serving motives. The REAL challenge is to rise above this tendency....Except, of course, when it is JUSTIFIABLE to be selfish.....
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