LabradorsGalor Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Let me start by saying the heart and emotions are a strange and mysterious thing - at least to me. My wife and I have been together for about 13 years with most of that time being trying and difficult for both of us. She has had issues with trust and commitment with me and I have had issues lack of sex and now trust with her. In short, I have been in a sexless/low sex marriage for nearly 11 years and its taken a toll on both of us. Last weekend I finally asked my wife for a divorce after 7 months of counseling. Now I am questioning my decision and am asking for input from the board. She revealed to me in January that she had an affair. It was very intentional, deliberate and planned. She met a guy in December at a skiing event who was in town visiting. She then followed up with him on the phone keeping it very secretive. Eventually, she arranged to meet with him and spend a couple of weekends with him while she was traveling on business trips. I found this hurtful, devastating, but hardly surprising since our marriage was particularly strained. I agreed to enter counseling as a couple and also sought out my own therapist as did she. My wife is a low sex drive person which became evident within the first year we were together. Our sexual encounters became infrequent from a couple of times a week, to once a week, to once a month and settling into once ever 2 to 4 months. In fact we have gone as long as 9 month. More importantly to frequency, the quality and level of intimacy of our sex plummeted as well. In most occurrences, she would usually capitulate to having sex. She never initiated sex and in most occasions would usually rebuff my advances at first and then realize it had been a while. I usually felt that she was agreeing out of obligation rather than desire. She agrees this is the case. Over time, I quit initiating sex because I was tired of being hurt and feeling constantly rejected. That's about the time we started experiencing sex only once every 1 to 2 months. We were at about our second or third year of marriage. I also became increasing angry and short tempered with her and we started to engage in fewer and fewer activities that we shared and enjoyed in common such as biking, skiing, and camping among others. I also started a business, which I know didn't help my stress level or relationships. I was constantly working and traveling in an effort to launch a new business that went from me in a spare bedroom to a $1 million enterprise. I am proud of that accomplishment but now realize it played a big toll on our relationship. She feels neglected and unimportant. But wait so do I. In addition (as though that isn't enough), I began surfing the internet view sites such as Adult Friend Finder and engaging online chats and what I now realize as cyber affairs. She has discovered these accounts at various times during our marriage. Each time I promise to terminate the activity but have found myself returning to the sites when other aspects of our marriage such as sex and intimacy never improved. The first two times she "caught" me, I was very remorseful and truly did not want to hurt her, and agreed to go to counseling with her to focus on my problem. Unfortunately, we didn't think to ask or address other root problems in our marriage. My desire to use the sites is low and nonexistent when my wife are getting along and having sex on a "regular" basis. Our regular basis is probably infrequent for others. However, I desire a high quality, loving experience more than I desire going at it like bunnies. I have worried that I have some type of internet porn dependency, but know that I can and have walked away from it when my intimate/sex life with my wife is better or at least improving. I recently read the following article that I found extremely helpful in understanding both the impacts of my actions on my wife as well as understanding my chronic behavior. http://netaddiction.com/articles/cyberaffairs.htm The article helped me understand that the actions were not necessarily sexual but a desire to connect with someone on an intimate level. I feel extremely guilty and feel like the demise of our relationship is largely my fault and that I pushed her to an affair. At the same time, I have a hard time reconciling how she can desire sex with someone else and still look me in the eyes and tell me it wasn't about sex but about connecting with someone emotionally and that I simply haven't been available for most of our marriage. I feel she pushed me away and rejected me early in our relationship and that contributed to me seeking our gratification in other forms. I also worry that I am rationalizing and justifying my behavior. Again, I asked my wife for a divorce on Sunday after 7 months of therapy. We have been seeing a couples counselor but we sort of settled into a routine where I felt that we were making limited progress after the time frame. I am not expecting miracles but I made it clear to my wife that I did not want to continue living in a sexless marriage when we initiated our efforts in January after she revealed her affair. We have been enjoying each others company over the last 7 months but our sex life continues to be limited and infrequent despite us getting along. I also found my self returning to my online behavior and don't like it. I want a real relationship. She discovered a bill charge and I denied I was online out of fear but then shortly after really questioned if things were moving in the right direction. I also had been asking myself a lot if this is the relationship I want. It definitely isn't and I didn't like the path we were on. I could only see that I would be frustrated in a year and that we would still be in a sex starved marriage, me angry and both of us feeling untrusting, isolated, and angry. It was at that point, I indicated to her I think we should get a divorce. She has explained or justified her behavior and lack of sex drive as first stress associated with starting a new job and relationship, then my distance, and now my cyber activities. It seems she always has an excuse, though I have researched information on low sex drives and these appear to be common problems for women. Though I'm not sure what I did to start the downward spiral. I love my wife dearly despite all of our problems. She is an intelligent, educated, beautiful and fun woman in many ways. I also have enjoyed the last 7 months of working to renew our relationship. I have lost 35 lbs by traveling less and working out more regularly. She indicated found me less attractive in January and was one of the reasons she had the affair. I immediately lost weight and got fit. All and all not a bad thing. I am now second guessing my decision. My wife and I are talking more about our relationship and feelings than we have in the past 7 months. We are getting along. She was usually reluctant and resistant to talking when I wanted to talk and work on things. I know see i fell into a pattern similar to our sex life where I quit pushing when she rejected. I honestly do not know what to do. My head says leave and end the marriage. My heart says give it one more shot but this time really make a difference. My therapist has told me that its a mistake to look back and that I should not view asking for a divorce as a way to fix my marriage. I understand that and it wasn't my intention when I asked for it on Sunday. So what do you think?
Recommended Posts