Tinkerskel Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I have been dating a guy named "Bob" for nearly two years. Neither of us wanted to get married or be terribly serious when we began. We have a nice loving relationship that bloomed after years of being friendly acquaintances. We don't live together. We have weathered him buying a business (which rarely any personal time) and my teen (19 y/o) daughter moving in with me, my father's death, his son's drug use etc. My problem is that a couple of the things about him I lowered my standards on have come to bite me in the ass now. :/ The biggest problem is our disparate incomes. I make more than 4 times what he does, which didn't seem like a problem at first, I'm not super focused on $$. However, I have come to realize that his financial situation directly affects his health status which directly affects our relationship in a myriad of ways. The other problem is his appearance, he's no rich man but he could still shave and wear a clean shirt, trim the awry facial hair etc. Do you think that because I accepted these things that were apparent in the beginning that I have no room to complain now? I feel stuck, foolish and disappointed.
sweetbutcheeky Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I have been dating a guy named "Bob" for nearly two years. Neither of us wanted to get married or be terribly serious when we began. We have a nice loving relationship that bloomed after years of being friendly acquaintances. We don't live together. We have weathered him buying a business (which rarely any personal time) and my teen (19 y/o) daughter moving in with me, my father's death, his son's drug use etc. My problem is that a couple of the things about him I lowered my standards on have come to bite me in the ass now. :/ The biggest problem is our disparate incomes. I make more than 4 times what he does, which didn't seem like a problem at first, I'm not super focused on $$. However, I have come to realize that his financial situation directly affects his health status which directly affects our relationship in a myriad of ways. The other problem is his appearance, he's no rich man but he could still shave and wear a clean shirt, trim the awry facial hair etc. Do you think that because I accepted these things that were apparent in the beginning that I have no room to complain now? I feel stuck, foolish and disappointed. What is the concern that you are mainly asking about? The fact that you think you will only ever be dating vs commit? That you make more than he does and that effects your relationship? That your turned off that he doesn't clean himself up? Do you feel stuck with someone you don't want to be dating? Or just that you accepted these things and feel you can't bring them up now?
Lizzie60 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I have been dating a guy named "Bob" for nearly two years. Neither of us wanted to get married or be terribly serious when we began. We have a nice loving relationship that bloomed after years of being friendly acquaintances. We don't live together. We have weathered him buying a business (which rarely any personal time) and my teen (19 y/o) daughter moving in with me, my father's death, his son's drug use etc. My problem is that a couple of the things about him I lowered my standards on have come to bite me in the ass now. :/ The biggest problem is our disparate incomes. I make more than 4 times what he does, which didn't seem like a problem at first, I'm not super focused on $$. However, I have come to realize that his financial situation directly affects his health status which directly affects our relationship in a myriad of ways. The other problem is his appearance, he's no rich man but he could still shave and wear a clean shirt, trim the awry facial hair etc. Do you think that because I accepted these things that were apparent in the beginning that I have no room to complain now? I feel stuck, foolish and disappointed. You are living the ideal situation, dating... each your house, each your life... that's ideal... IMO There is absolutely no excuse for not grooming... tell him he needs to shave and wear clean clothes... I don't know how you can manage...I know I couldn't deal with a guy who doesn't take care of himself... ewwww... that would definitely be a deal breaker for me.
Poboy Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 However, I have come to realize that his financial situation directly affects his health status which directly affects our relationship in a myriad of ways. care to explain a bit more ? its never too late to talk about something which is bothering you. if the money issue is starting to become a big deal, you need to act. such things eventually come up in one way or the other and it has to be acted upon asap. talking about money to him will hurt him more so its better you first evaluate your relationship and where you see it going before talking to him. either you have to accept the fact that you might always earn more than him or he has to make changes in his job / personal life to atleast start improving in some areas where you are having issues. how you tell him this is important as it shouldnt come out bluntly but more so about how things are affecting the relationship. work with him in solving his issues and help out with the job, managing his finances & other areas.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I have been dating a guy named "Bob" for nearly two years. Neither of us wanted to get married or be terribly serious when we began. We have a nice loving relationship that bloomed after years of being friendly acquaintances. We don't live together. We have weathered him buying a business (which rarely any personal time) and my teen (19 y/o) daughter moving in with me, my father's death, his son's drug use etc. My problem is that a couple of the things about him I lowered my standards on have come to bite me in the ass now. :/ The biggest problem is our disparate incomes. I make more than 4 times what he does, which didn't seem like a problem at first, I'm not super focused on $$. However, I have come to realize that his financial situation directly affects his health status which directly affects our relationship in a myriad of ways. The other problem is his appearance, he's no rich man but he could still shave and wear a clean shirt, trim the awry facial hair etc. Do you think that because I accepted these things that were apparent in the beginning that I have no room to complain now? I feel stuck, foolish and disappointed. LOL... I read your earlier posts... is this the same guy??? Your problem is superficial. Yes, he should take better care of himself... yes you should speak to him about this. But this is not something that should be done for selfish you. Its something you should want to do for him. That make any sense?
mental_traveller Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I feel stuck, foolish and disappointed. Seems pretty simple to me - get out! It does neither of you any favours to drag this one out. It'll end eventually anyway, you are hardly going to marry the guy. Make a clean break so you are free to meet someone more on your level.
Author Tinkerskel Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 Cobra_X30 - yes, same guy. I did work up the nerve (after about a year) to ask him about it. He really does like it and is serious but isn't dying without it. I believe him. To everyone else, I have brought up these issues and told him they are important. The appearance is a tough one since he prides himself on being "laid back" and doesn't show signs of changing. I tried to put it into perspective for him that as a business owner he needs to present a clean image to his customers... No dice. On the health issue, he has two conditions that are manageable with regular treatment but when allowed to flare up will nearly cripple him and make him unpleasant to be around. He goes to the VA for one of them but does not faithfully follow Dr.'s orders. The other he is trying but has essentially put a band-aid on it because he cannot afford treatment. I have helped him by working in his shop, learning how to run it without him, I have helped with spreadsheets, balancing books, filing and donating paint, supplies and labor. I have seen many good examples of how people can equitably share their income even when they are uneven. I don't see our relationship as ideal because I want to eventually live with someone married or not. I'm not really sure what he wants - he jokes about retaining his own "cave". I want to have a partner in life not a friend down the street. Neither of us is in a position to move in together right away so it's not a burning issue but eventually these things would have to change. I fear our relationship will go on indefinitely with a maybe these issues will change I love Bob and would be loathe to hurt him, I feel foolish and disappointed because I stand to lose someone dear to me because I didn't get up and bitch about these things from the word go. I'm just looking for some advice here.
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