redfathom Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I am 24, and have been married for 7 years. My H and I have had our problems, I have posted on here many times about them. In Feb. we seperated for about a month, have gone to MC twice, and IC a few times each but not recently. I feel like my H is not interested in me. I have felt this way about our sex life for years, most of it had to do with his looking at porn and then me making it more of an issue (self esteem wise) then it needed to be. We have talked about it many times and now there is a rift sexually between us. Neither oe likes to initiate and H is self consious and has problem keeping/getting an erection with me. We are both to blame for this. And I guess I could over look it or it would be easier to take but I feel rejected emotionally as well. We hardly have meaningful conversations. He will ask me about my day but prefers a one word answer (he told me this once - he said he does not need a play by play of my day), I find that I don't even tell him about meaningful events in my life anymore. I feel like we are strangers. We were talking the other day and I was telling him about (very boring topic) how I almost knocked over his speaker carrying the "hamper" as I called it and he corrected me mid-sentance to tell me it was the laundry basket not hamper. Well, at the point there was no, "but continue with what you were saying", that was it, mid-sentance and story it was over. This happens a lot actually. I was telling him about a manager at work that was yelling at me and that my day sucked, and not one word from him. I mean he did not say anything, and I excused myself from the room to go take care of something. I asked him yesterday if something was wrong and he said no, and I told him he seemed distant, and he "what are you talkig about we have just spent the last two hours together". Which we had, and most of that was not us spending time together as much as being in the same room together. Things are not always like this but sometime I stop and think about it and it makes me think about everything, my life now, my life in the future. I get very insecure with him and us. I start to feel this need to get out because I see the rest of my life being like this and I don't want to be lonley. But here is the problem we have been down this road before and the more we talk about it the more insecure and unhappy we both get. So if I bring it up to him I think he feels guilty and eventually he will just end the realtionship because I am sure he will get to the point where he does not want to feel guilty all the time. So how when things are to the point where talking makes it worse for him and not talking makes it worse for me can we find a happy median to bring us both back to happy. I might be overreacting, my hormones do play a major role in how I feel, especially right now.
Author redfathom Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 I want to add that I feel guilty for feeling this way. We are taking our first vacation soon and he has been working overtime so we can have some extra spending money and here I am complaning about him when he is being very sweet.
sb129 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Your first vacation in seven years?????? No wonder you guys are stressed out! You guys got married when you were 17- I am so glad I am not with the guy I was with when I was 17, I have grown so much as a person! Sorry, thats quite a negative thing to say... but you do do alot of maturing from 17 onwards, maybe you guys are maturing in different directions.
Author redfathom Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 Not negative at all. That is exactly it. I know it, I have told him this and my therapist agree's. But because we both know this I feel like we should be putting more effort in getting to know the person we have become and the persons we are becoming as time goes on. I have really moved away from a person who was not an individual a person who was part of my husband to someone who is independent yet married. I do my own thing, take an art class figure skate, work full time, see my friends. All this actually limits the time I have to devote to my home, and maybe that is a little bit of the problem, maybe there is some resentment.
sb129 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Not negative at all. That is exactly it. I know it, I have told him this and my therapist agree's. But because we both know this I feel like we should be putting more effort in getting to know the person we have become and the persons we are becoming as time goes on. I have really moved away from a person who was not an individual a person who was part of my husband to someone who is independent yet married. I do my own thing, take an art class figure skate, work full time, see my friends. All this actually limits the time I have to devote to my home, and maybe that is a little bit of the problem, maybe there is some resentment. You can't do it on your own honey.... your husband has to recognise this too, and get to know who you have become. Only wanting a one word answer about your day at work isn't going to help him get to know you, is it?
Cobra_X30 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Not negative at all. That is exactly it. I know it, I have told him this and my therapist agree's. But because we both know this I feel like we should be putting more effort in getting to know the person we have become and the persons we are becoming as time goes on. I have really moved away from a person who was not an individual a person who was part of my husband to someone who is independent yet married. I do my own thing, take an art class figure skate, work full time, see my friends. All this actually limits the time I have to devote to my home, and maybe that is a little bit of the problem, maybe there is some resentment. Yeah, I read one of your posts way back... I'm sorry to say this but your Husband just doesnt get it... or he is really lazy... or you've really hurt him in some way. Personally I think he just doesnt get it. Completely clueless as to your wants and needs... and too lazy to really make changes.
Author redfathom Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 Maybe it's all of the above. I think he did not get it, so I in turn made him feel guilty, not enough, so now he is hurt and because of that it has made him lazy. Maybe he feels like he will never be enough and there is no point in trying anymore. I wish I knew the answer and I wish I could ask him, but asking him why he is not enough for me right now will just hurt him further. I think he has a hard time facing himself and if I find fault in him and tell him he needs to fix it, then it is scaring him. He tries so hard to tell him self that he has no faults. I tried to explain to him that people need to grow and in order to grow you need to know what needs to be improved upon, but he trys so hard to tell him self there is nothing wrong with who he is that nothing needs improvement. I could not do that, there is always something I want to do better. Cook better, draw better, be a better figure skater, I am always pushing myself. And even in these things he sometimes tried to hold me back. Hardly complimenting me and encouraging me. When I show him something I drew, he nods....I am fantastic, by the way. But we have one piece hanging up in the house, because the rest does not go with the decor. But he did tell me that I don't need his approvel to hang up my art, if I want to hang it up I can, but I really want his approval, I want him to be proud of me. One time I showed him a new jump I learned in figure skating and he asked me if that was s high as I could jump. Well, yes, I just learned it!!! Yesterday I made dinner, his brother told me it was great and thanks, he tells me it was a little undercooked. I mean I love to cook and now I cook like three times a month because I see no pont in it. Why put the effort in to cooking for an hour when he will not like it anyways. How can I make him see that he hurts me with out hurting him.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Red, You have to understand 1st and foremost that he doesnt like himself... all that "I'm perfect" is a complete front. I dont think he likes himself at all. So when I say he doesnt get it... I mean he doesnt understand what he is doing. Ever hear about leveling? Your Husband feels like he is crap! He also probably sees you as an amazing woman, someone he doesnt really deserve. So he subconcously tries to level that playing field by bieng mean and unsupportive. He feels that if he brings you down to his level you are more likely to stay with him... that you wont leave. This plays into his sexual problems. I've never met a guy that would pass an attractive woman up to go play with himself in a corner. He doesnt feel good enough, completely inadaquate... so he has stopped trying! Do you get upset when he cant perform? That feeds his problems! Ive had friends with this issue. I cant guarantee this will fix it... but take one week, and do everything you can to build him up. Positive comments... ect. Like he is the best thing the world has ever produced. Do this no matter what attitude he throws your way. If he responds by becoming a better husband... well you may have found a fix!
Author redfathom Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 Yeah I try that. I mean when he is distant I think I did something wrong so it is like I say to him...hey you seem distant what the hell is wrong with you in fact I say, hey you seem distant, did I do something are you mad at me. Ect. When I try to build him up sometimes he gets made. When we got back together after the seperation, I was telling him how much i love him ect and he said, "Okay I get it". I guess it was too much at once. I will try what you suggest with a little moderation. I know he has been stressed with work as well and I do not want to make him feel any more stressed. As for the sex issue, I did get upset when he could not perfrom, which was wrong. But I was not upset as in...there is something wrong with...it was 100% what is wrong with me. I even told him that I felt like he did not find me attractive and that was the issue. But it is psychological, he worries about being able to perfomr because he does not want to dissapoint me and I feel so terrible about it. Because I made him feel bad about himself. I wish he would just like himself. I have known this is an issue for sometime and I decided that I would sacrafice any sorrow and lonliness to help him and I have tried that for many years. Then I realize that I too had a life was was worth devoting attention to and since then we have drifted, I have gown up and he knows it. BUt what I want him to know it that even as we both grow up it does not mean we have to grow apart. I do love him.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Yes, I know you love him... that just makes this harder for you... cause when he doesnt love himself, it's just your love... that's it. Its like your swimming and trying to keep him above water. Hopefully he will wake up and swim himself before he drowns you both. I forgot to mention that moderation part... cause otherwise its kinda unbelievable. I've done this with girls and it can take time... and really all your doing is trying to kickstart his internal self esteem building. You can rest assured that he finds you attractive... otherwise he wouldnt be intimidated... its that simple. Oh and he needs to get off the porn, its a crutch that will prevent him from learning to walk again... so to speak. Oh, has he tried viagra or something? I've heard that can jumpstart your confidence again sometimes! He may also need to go get professional help.
Author redfathom Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 So I called my H today, I am at work and he is off today so I called him to say hello, we have not talked all day. This really pi$$es me off, he answers the phone: He says "Hello" not knowing who is calling I say "Hi there" He says "whats up?" I say, "Nothing, I just wanted to see how your day was going." and to invite him to lunch. Which I immedialty did because I guess there has to be a reason for me to call other then to say hello and see how his day is going. Why does something have to be up for me to call. It really bugs me when he say's that. Why can't he say, "hi there, how's your day going?"....why does he have to say whats up, like he is busy and my calling is bothering him. He does this all time time, I would say 80% and most of the time he knows its me, I call his cell and my number pops up. So why cant he just ask me how my freakin day is going. Maybe it's because he knows it will be a short conversations since he prefers one syllabl responses. GRRRRR!!! I just need to not take it so personal I guess, maybe he does not mean anything about it, but it still drives me crazy.
reboot Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Have you considered telling HIM this? You have to understand how different men and women can be. We (men) spend a large percentage of our time "fixing" problems. At home, on the job, etc. So you call and he assumes you need something fixed. He may have no idea that he makes you feel this way. If you tell him, you might be surprised at his reaction. (Then again he could just be an insensitive jerk )
Author redfathom Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 Yes, I know. I mentioned it a bit to him at lunch. I said to him that he sounded busy when I called and he said he was typing and proof reading something and I said I could tell because he said whats up and I could tell that meant he was busy. I guess I should not be so sensative, he can't always be happy to talk to me, especially if he is busy.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 So I called my H today, I am at work and he is off today so I called him to say hello, we have not talked all day. This really pi$$es me off, he answers the phone: He says "Hello" not knowing who is calling I say "Hi there" He says "whats up?" I say, "Nothing, I just wanted to see how your day was going." and to invite him to lunch. Which I immedialty did because I guess there has to be a reason for me to call other then to say hello and see how his day is going. Why does something have to be up for me to call. It really bugs me when he say's that. Why can't he say, "hi there, how's your day going?"....why does he have to say whats up, like he is busy and my calling is bothering him. He does this all time time, I would say 80% and most of the time he knows its me, I call his cell and my number pops up. So why cant he just ask me how my freakin day is going. Maybe it's because he knows it will be a short conversations since he prefers one syllabl responses. GRRRRR!!! I just need to not take it so personal I guess, maybe he does not mean anything about it, but it still drives me crazy. LOL... that is SO funny! Not to trivialize how you feel, but I've had this issue in the past also. When I'm hanging with the guys the greating is always "Whats Up Bro?" or some varyation of that. So I used to answer the phone like that with this girl I was dating... and it just drove her crazy. We talked about it and I put alot of effort into it and then whenever she called I would provid a much better greeting. Problem is I tend to rattle off greetings without thinking, so sometimes a guy friend would call and I would answer "How's your day going sweety?". Needless to say... very embarrasing! I think alot of the stuff your struggling with is meaningless stuff that gets magnified by your attitudes toward one another. See I know you just swallow that greeting... roll your eyes and just move on... but that anger builds until you've got a 40 foot pile of resentment!
Author redfathom Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 so sometimes a guy friend would call and I would answer "How's your day going sweety?". Needless to say... very embarrasing! HAHA. I am sure they appreciated it sometimes. Yeah you're right it's not something that should be made into a big deal. I honestly feel bad for my H because when I am PMSing I tend to overreact, get emotional, commericals can make me cry, haha. Maybe I should start answering the phone "yo-yo dog" (deep gangsta voice).
reboot Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 hahahaha Maybe you should. Laughter is good medicine.
Author redfathom Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 I try to be light and funny about most things. I am pretty goofy over all.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 HAHA. I am sure they appreciated it sometimes. Yeah you're right it's not something that should be made into a big deal. I honestly feel bad for my H because when I am PMSing I tend to overreact, get emotional, commericals can make me cry, haha. Maybe I should start answering the phone "yo-yo dog" (deep gangsta voice). Perfect! Thats awesome! Well, if he is like most guys when you hit that PMS thing and your emotions start running wild... give him fair warning. It will make it alot easier for him to deal with. He isnt at a point in life where he is communicating well yet. It may take lots of work to get him to open up and really trust you. Especially when he is all wrapped up in how unhappy he is, makes it hard to connect with you! Red, I hope this helps!
Author redfathom Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 Oh, I remind him every month a few days prior. He knows I get very insecure around that time. I rarely get bitchy, just sad. Thanks for listening I am starting to feel better and like I have more of a choice.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Red, I just got to your post on working seperate schedules. That's not good! Its one of those things you can suffer through... but it cant be a permanent ordeal. He needs to get a new job! I think it would make him happier also! It will take some adjustment but you wont feel like the two of you are living seperate lives! I used to work as an EMT in ambulences, while I was in college. It was a relationship nightmare!
Author redfathom Posted August 31, 2007 Author Posted August 31, 2007 Hi Cobra, He can't get a new job, this is his career. He is a police officer. I think some of our issues have to do with that, his schedule and he hates the department he works for. So he is usually distracted by how unhappy at work he is. The city he works for really is crappy, where we live most people who don't live there are smart enough not to visit. I did mention to him yesterday that it would be nice to have a hobby together. We did get motorcycles which we both enjoy doing together but we have not been able to ride much because of his schedule. There is so much culminating that seems to be working against us, he is unhappy at work, we don't see each other that often, etc. I really have to be patient though, this is his career and I need to support him. We just need to get back to the way things were before all this baggage, hurt and resentment started. It must be hard for him knowing that I walked out on him just a few months ago, it's been hard coming back. I am going to mention to him that we both get back into counseling. He is so smart, yesterday I mentioned that he needs to go back to school, he is very close to getting his degree, I think that will help him feel good about himself.
Love is Tragic Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 I too married young, and married for the same amount of years. My H has followed pretty much the same pattern as far as communication, and i finally got fed up with it and told him we needed marriage counseling for our communication problems or it was over, and i was deadly serious this time. I felt harsh for giving him that ultimatum, but i refused to live the way i was living any longer, so i know exactly how you feel. We had grown to be more like friendly roommates than man and wife. So far, hubby has straightened up and has been communicating much much better and has been treating me like a queen. I suggest giving him the ultimatum of straightening up or you will leave. And stick to it, no matter how difficult it gets. If he truely loves you and wants to work it out, he will straighten his act up. I was ready to walk out and never look back, but it is turning out so much better than i could have ever imagined. So good luck, and stay strong!
Cobra_X30 Posted September 4, 2007 Posted September 4, 2007 Hi Cobra, He can't get a new job, this is his career. He is a police officer. I think some of our issues have to do with that, his schedule and he hates the department he works for. So he is usually distracted by how unhappy at work he is. The city he works for really is crappy, where we live most people who don't live there are smart enough not to visit. I did mention to him yesterday that it would be nice to have a hobby together. We did get motorcycles which we both enjoy doing together but we have not been able to ride much because of his schedule. There is so much culminating that seems to be working against us, he is unhappy at work, we don't see each other that often, etc. I really have to be patient though, this is his career and I need to support him. We just need to get back to the way things were before all this baggage, hurt and resentment started. It must be hard for him knowing that I walked out on him just a few months ago, it's been hard coming back. I am going to mention to him that we both get back into counseling. He is so smart, yesterday I mentioned that he needs to go back to school, he is very close to getting his degree, I think that will help him feel good about himself. Well, you both need to work under the assumption that your schedules wont change. Basically, you need to make the time to spend together. Motorcycles are fun! If one of the big problems at work is the department, see if he can get a transfer to a nearby city. The degree will help... because its going to allow career advancement. Every relationship accumulates baggage! It's how the two of you decide to deal with the baggage that counts. Work together and you cant lose, work against each other and you cant win. Its really that simple. In a marriage you get back what you put in, so just make sure your throwing alot of positive energy in. Has he talked about ending the marriage?
Author redfathom Posted September 4, 2007 Author Posted September 4, 2007 Hi Cobra, He has only talked about leaving when we would fight, he would get mad and tell me it was over then and he would go down and get the papers so we could divorce. That was just before we seperated and I did leave him. While we were seperated he was always calling and asking me to come back and wanting to see me (we would go on dates just not stay at the same house). That was for about a month, then for about two months upon my return he was very sweet and clingy. He is still sweet (just not as often) and not as clingy, I think he is used to me being back and is comfortable again. I agree about putting the positive energy back in. I try to put as much of my spare time into him as I can with out smuthering him. It takes a lot of juggeling and it only difficult when his schedule changes every 6 months. He has been more affectionate the past few days so that is nice. Thanks for listening.
Cobra_X30 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Really, it sounds like you two have a relationship with lots of love. It's just getting to a point where that love gets communicated and expressed! Unlike all the unhappy poeple here... you have an awesome shot at going the distance and bieng happy at the end of it. Oh, and when it comes to smothering... just remember that most guys value quality of time over quantity of time. Sometimes that just means spending an hour or two talking about his hobbies. He needs to reciprocate that too at some point! Anyway, no problem listening! I hope things go well! Keep us posted.
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