spookie Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 This is the continuation of the roommate saga, for those who have read my other thread. For those who haven't, in a nutshell, I'm living with 2 guys and 2 girls this year, and one of the guys is a hot foreign exchange student from Germany. We've become involved in a fling. Anyway. A lot of the time I blow things out of proportion, so I like to take in my own feelings with a grain of salt. That's why I'm posting here - I'd like to get a sense of proportion. Right now I am feeling used in every possible capacity, and I am pissed. Because my ex was so distant, I was flattered that the roommate attached himself to me at the hip straight away, that he liked spending all his time with me and messing around 3 times a day, but lately I've noticed some things about him that make me feel that he's attached to me not because he likes me but becuase of how convenient this is for him. For one thing, he's contsntaly wanting me to drive him around, and not once has he offered to pay for gas. I am a student, so money is tight, but besides that I think it's just plain inconsiderate how he is constantly "inviting" me to go to places far away with him and not even offering to buy me a sandwich or something when we're there to even out who spends how much. He's also bad at paying back for things. When we buy groceries, I always end up [aying a few more dollars than he does even though we share the food because he doens't have enough cash on him, doesn't do the math right, "forgets", or whatever. He jokes about this sometimes so I know he is aware of it. We haven't had sex yet, but we mess around. He always comes on to me and won't let up until I've gone down on him, and this results in 3-4 blowjobs/day for him. He "pleases" me about every other day. I know it's harder to please girls etc but still. Yesterday a couple of things came to a head. We were at a store and he ended up underpaying by $13. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to be cheap - I figured I'd let him buy something later. But then we went to another store, where we had to get a bike lock. As usual, he asked who was paying. I said we'd split it in half. His response: "why don't you get it, you have all that cash". He might have been kidding, but it wasn't funny to me. I ended up paying but, later on, asking him to pay for my lunch (same amount), which he did. Then this morning, as usual we started messing around, and he woudn't let up until I'd gone down on him. After that, as usual, it was over - no reciprocation. Then I was going to make myself an omlette, and he wanted one too, so I ended up cooking him breakfast while he just sat there. I wanted to kill him. I mean, he is getting such a sweet deal living here. The rent is cheap, it's a beautiful house, and his roommate blows him 3 times a day, cooks hm all his meals, pays for things, and drives him around - commitment/feeling**** free. I'm not sure what I am getting other than screwed by a hot guy. So I dunno what to do, now. He is considerate, thoughtful, and fun besides being kind of a user, and I want to give hm the benefit of the doubt, but I don't want to be taken for a fool. The less dramatic thing would be to back off until I'm not giving him everything anymore, but, knowing myself, I'll probably be very passive aggressive about it, so it might be better to just have a conversation about this. But, I don't want to be mean, nit-picky, cheap, or crazy, either. Thoughts>
burning 4 revenge Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I highly doubt its totally commitment free. Go ahead and date some other guys and see how he responds. I bet you some of his feelings come to the surface
Trialbyfire Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Now that you're consciously aware of what's going on, you can only be used if you allow it. I would call him on it, each time he underpays or if you feel things aren't equitable. If you never state your boundaries, how will he know? Also, if he's an inherently selfish person, he'll continue to take advantage of you. -edit: I would say "jack, you owe another $13 to pay your share".
Cobra_X30 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 LOL... do you have an extra room available? Yeah, so he isnt looking long term... He kind of seems to be just taking what he can get.
jcster Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Then this morning, as usual we started messing around, and he woudn't let up until I'd gone down on him. After that, as usual, it was over - no reciprocation. Then I was going to make myself an omlette, and he wanted one too, so I ended up cooking him breakfast while he just sat there. I wanted to kill him. I mean, he is getting such a sweet deal living here. The rent is cheap, it's a beautiful house, and his roommate blows him 3 times a day, cooks hm all his meals, pays for things, and drives him around - commitment/feeling**** free. I'm not sure what I am getting other than screwed by a hot guy. Wow, this guy must LOVE AMERICA! I have a feeling he's going to have about 50 of his guy friends coming out for the "educational" experience! What you've set up for this guy is the world's best Bed and Breakfast for poor, horny guys. 3 or 4 blowjobs a day?!!!! You must have jaws of steel! You say that he won't take no for an answer? Why do you put up with that? That's the important question: Why are you putting up with this? No one in the world is that hot! It will change when you stop doing it. Put away the wallet and learn to say no.
marlena Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 No, Spookie, he cannot be "considerate and thoughtful but a kind of user". It is a contradiction in terms. He is not thoughtful sexually or any other way. He is selfish and manipulative and kows how to take advantage. Do not allow this man to trample all over you. I would not give him the benefit of the doubt. He is already showing you hiw true colors. Beware!
alrightstill Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Holy crap, this guy's taking advantage of you big time! And yes I'd say the "jack, you owe another $13 to pay your share" thing too. My friends and I often have to pay for one another first, because they don't let you split the bill or don't take credit card only cash or whatever, and I have no problem asking people to return the money I'd lent them, and vice versa. I don't have a car, a friend of mine who does often drives me to go hang somewhere and I'd offer to buy her something to eat or drink once in a while. If he's cheek enough that he ALWAYS underpays his share, never remembers to pay back money he owes you and takes you driving him anywhere for granted, stop it NOW. And form now on, keep the receipts for everything including gas, and write IOU's or something like that for him and stick it on the fridge. Casually mention that gas is really expensive these days and you simply don't have the money to keep the tank filled up all the time. As for the blowjobs, next time you're down there because he won't stop until you are, maybe a little teeth would get the message across, muahahaha.
wwjd Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 spookie, you previously stated in your other thread that you were aware that this guy was just a rebound. i personally have never rebounded, so i can't speak from experience, but i am certain that this is not how it's supposed to be. this isn't even akin to a FWB, really. in that kind of relationship, the benefit is sex and all other things are left out, especially emotional investments. in your situation, however, the only person receiving benefits--including ones beyond sexual favors--is him. you say that you have not had sex yet, but that he pleasures you every now and then? and yet you get him off multiple times, drive him where he needs to go, and overpay your half of expenses that are both yours and his? sorry to be blunt, but what are you getting, aside from sparing oral pleasures? i can't believe that you can possibly consider a pseudo-relationship in which you are both receiving equal satisfaction because it is entirely clear that you are not. he is getting all of the sweet deals, not you. this relationship is not healthy, spook, especially considering where you are coming from. you are displaying the same passiveness with him as you did with your exbf, and he, just like your exbf, is seemingly treating you as not much more than convenience. if you continue in this way, you are going to get burned. again. and that is no way to recover. i don't mean so sound awful or anything, though i realize i may be coming across as such, but i'd really, really hate to see you get hurt all over again by a guy who is a foreign version of your exbf. you haven't even fully recovered from your last breakup, as evidenced in your current actions, and you are already setting yourself up for more heartache. from an outsider looking in, your actions portray you as an easy pray and a pushover in many aspects. if i can see it, then you better bet that he sees it too, but that's exactly why he's loving it. again, sorry to be harsh, but i'd suggest you leave that drainage alone.
magda Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 You should assert yourself more. In shopping lines make 2 lines, "I'll buy these, you buy these." Maybe he feels that a lot of the things you buy he wouldn't buy for himself so he doesn't want to pay for them. Maybe you are living beyond his means and since you don't seem to mind making up the difference he doesn't do anything about it. I'm trying really hard to figure out why "we" would need a bike lock, but whatever. It seems an odd thing for roomates to share. And for blow jobs. 3x/day you deserve either a medal or an award for biggest chump, LOL. What do you think he'll do if you say no? Get mad? Leave? How does he talk you into 3 BJs a day? Really, I'm curious. How do you even have time to give 3 a day? You must be together constantly.
maynard Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 3 or 4 blowjobs? are you kidding me? at least by the third there is no mess, lol well that needs to stop right away. i mean what are you trying to be here? demand a 1:1 ratio of orgasms
Author spookie Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 I kinda figured that it would seem like I was being taken total advantage of, but the truth is, I think this is more an issue of my inability to assert myself than him trying to use me. Regarding paying, I know I could definitively be more vocal about how much he owes me. Each time he has underpaid, there was a legit reason why (I could go into more detail, but it isn't interesting), and so far I have managed to extricate the money from him one way or another later on. He's bought me dinner twice and right now, by my count, we are even. This kind of back and forth happens when people live together anyway. I think I was being somewhat oversensitive at the time of my first post because of the other things. Driving... again, I need to be more assertive. I asked him for gas money today when he mentioned wanting to go tubing and he said he would pay me. I think it would be unfair for me to judge him on this when I haven't even mentioned to him what I felt was wrong. Same thing with sex. To be honest, the first couple of times we messed around, I was the one who iniated all the oral. My ex wanted sex exactly once a week, missionary, on Fridays before his video game nights, and he hated blowjobs, so at first the novelty of being WANTED made me want to please. He doesn't pressure me at all. I know I'm kind of going backwards on everything I said, but that's not to say I don't have issues. The issue is just that I seem to need to give EVERYTHING in order to feel like I'm worth his time (and I'm this way with everyone), which is MY problem and not one of him being a user. I'm gonna watch out, though. Here is why he is a nice guy. After I wrote up my original post, he came home from school. He gave me a hug and asked me how my day went. I was having a major dilemma trying to decide whether or not to enrol in school this semester, and, after being volleyed around all the advising offices at the university, I was freaking out becuase I didn't know how I would make the decisoin. He sat me down on his bed and talked to me about this for half an hour. Then he made me tea just the way I like it, brought me some of his German chocolate, and started looking through degree requirements and course offerings for this semester. We spent a couple of hours doing that (it's my last year and I was equally torn between dropping out and 3 different majors), then he fixed dinner all by himself while I finally registered. I thought it was just nice of him. Maybe not anything spectacular, but my ex would never have taken the time to be so unexpectedly helpful with something so boring. Neither would have many of my friends.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Yeah, that was a nice gesture. BUT... before you go too far with him you need to begin to set relationship boundaries and expectations. You will totally regret it if you don't!
Author spookie Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 Yeah, that was a nice gesture. BUT... before you go too far with him you need to begin to set relationship boundaries and expectations. You will totally regret it if you don't! I don't know what kind of relationship expectations I can have when I know he's only going to be in this country for four months. Only if we fall madly enough in love to elope can this relationship have a future, and I have my doubts about that happening. What I am trying out right now is being healthy overall, which means putting myself first and keeping things honest, open, and mutually beneficial. Admittedly, it's easy for me to get carried away in caring for someone else, but I am working on it and so far I think I'm doing an ok job keeping my crazy-love emotions in check and the pros and cons in perspective. I don't think anymore that he has consciously been using me, and if he tries I will not let him. I have a skolid idea right now about what kind of life I want to lead and what kind of partner I want to have and I'm not going to settle for any kind of crap that's going to hurt me. I don't know yet who he is or waht any of this means to him but I DO know that until I DO, I'm not going to fall for him. I also know that he has been very accepting of who I am, dark sides and all, and that we have the same taste in food, music, and humor. That's enough for now.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Well, my best friend fell for an Austrain girl in 4 months... she moved back to austria and all has been well for a little more that a year so far! So, it can work! What would be the point in sleeping with him if you dont plan on making a go of this? It sounds fair to keep him at an emotional distance! But the more physical you get the harder thats going to be. You may also want to set the expectation of exclusivity... if that's something you want at the moment. Hey, I think its going well for you overall!
underpants Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 This is the price that comes with those foreign exchange boy toys. Spookie, this is going no where fast. You are young and by your own admission he was a distraction for you. I think this is a fling. You share living arrangments with him and he is a roomate. You should assert what is and what is not acceptable. That is how people learn what they can and can not get away with. You don't have to be mean or emotional about it. The grocery thing has been covered. The day trip stuff. Next time just say...Hans, I would love to but I am strapped and can't really afford to do such and such. Maybe he will offer to pay, maybe not. Do some other things too without him. Maybe he will appreciate you a little more and court you some. Then again he might just say, oh well I got away with what I could. Summer is almost over anyway. When does he leave?
marlena Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Spookie, Is this guy a foreigner? If he is, you need to beware double. I have seen many of a foreign student take advantage of nice girls like you seem to be. They usually have a lot of money problems and so hitch up with someone who will make their life a lot easier. As for being nice once in a while, it's him just throwing out crumbs so that you will continue to provide him with the essentials. They know they needn't commit in any way for soon they will be returning to their country. They use this an excuse to ward off intimacy. I think this is what he is doing by not having real sex with you but instead is replacing it with BJs which, by themselves, are not love making. Yes, and are right. These are your issues and not his. You know you deserve much more so do not settle yourself short...especially if you are beginning to develop an emotional attachment for him. And like one poster said, if we all here can see how easily you become prey to such predators, he damn well can see it too. Just my humbe opinion from where I stand which is predicated on the little you have said. I hope I am wrong for your sake.
marlena Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Just want to add that a tender heart (like yours) may fall for this guy in just four months no matter how much you try to keep your emotional distance. And it can also get b roken in four months. Like I said, I hope my assessment is all wrong. Best of luck!
burning 4 revenge Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 If you're putting it in your mouth three or four times a day you must be enjoying it. You can't tell me this is all selfishness on his part
Trialbyfire Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 It's not a lollipop with 15 flavours b4r...
johan Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 If you're putting it in your mouth three or four times a day you must be enjoying it. You can't tell me this is all selfishness on his part I have to agree. If it was misery, the thread headline would read "feeling really a whole lot used". Clearly this guy is getting enough pineapple in his diet.
burning 4 revenge Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 It's not a lollipop with 15 flavours b4r... i see you're putting your foot down
Trialbyfire Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 i see you're putting your foot down In a lady-like way, yes...
lino Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I don't think you're being used, I think you're just giving way more than you're getting. If you want it to change you'll have to learn to say no.
jcster Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I kinda figured that it would seem like I was being taken total advantage of, but the truth is, I think this is more an issue of my inability to assert myself than him trying to use me. I don't think you're being used, I think you're just giving way more than you're getting. If you want it to change you'll have to learn to say no. Exactly. If you give it away, they will take it. You need to find out why you feel like you need to give so much more than you receive.
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