janedoe123 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Hello. I have posted a few times on here and told my story - which is almost insignificant unless you want to here more. my ex that has been on again - off again for the last year, after a 2 year relationship, told me today that he doesnt see a future with me, he doesn't want to be with me at all anymore, and he is not inlove with me at all. this is someone that a week ago told me that we belonged together someday. Anyway, I honestly feel like my life is headed toward a downword spiral. I can't stop thinking about him and how this can't be it for us. I agreed that right now it was bad timinig, but in my heart I felt like someday we were supposed to be together. I'm scared that I will never be able to fully get over him. I'm scared that even with NC, I will always want him in my life. this feels like it is never going to get better. I know in my head relationships start, and relationships end, and that is just the way life is - but I refuse to accept that this is the end. If anyone has ever felt this way - or wants to offer advice? that would be great. I need a lot of help right now and I seriously hope someone out there can do that for me. I have no where else to turn ....
ls707 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 from a guys perspective: i have been in your shoes, so i know how it feels, how did i cope with it?. Well after she left, i felt like my world was coming to a screeching halt. First off My family helped me a great deal (talking to me/comforting me), secondly my friends were there for me to sort of talk me out of my misery/take me out/ show me that there is more the world than just her. Guys aren't very good at offering advice, but they do know how to bring out the underlying hurt and transform it into drive to sort out a situation. I also went to counselling. Talking things out really helped me. I also started doing things that were important to me, revamping my hobbies, and paying more attention to workouts/school/networking/etc.. You have to see that you have a life of your own to live, and journey to fulfill and no one or no thing should hinder you from doing this. Yes you are lost at this very moment, you will continue to feel pain for sometime, its the human thing. But in time with proper support/and doing the things you like to do, i think you will not only overcome this, but look back at it and laugh some day; cuz i have. Just don't become a man hater, I couldve easily become a woman hater after all my past experiences with all the wrong women, but i chose to see that everyone is different and everyone has something new and unique to offer.
marty Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 totally agree, you WILL get through this. i can promise you that. try and remember all your good points, what you have to offer,, to that lucky guy who will appreciate everything you are. dont go down the 'what if' road if you can help it. its just a dead end. It might be hard to hear,, but you feeling that this isnt the end, is only your feeling,, it might not be his. all i'm saying is dont waste your precious time and energy on something thats out of your control. try and focus your energy on getting YOU put back together again. it isnt gonna be easy, far from it , but trying to focus on the right things will quicken the healing process. your hurting now yes, but it will ease slowly. use this place to write anything your feeling, it really helped,,, erm,, helps me. and we're all hear to listen.
Author janedoe123 Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 Thanks for your responses. It makes me feel better to think there might be hope. I talked to my ex again because I just couldn't fully understand what was going on - and he explained to me that he needs time to figure out what it is that makes him happy. He's not sure if his job is right, he's not sure if his current living situation is right, and he's not sure what he wants to do the rest of his life. He says until he finds out all these things he can't be in a relationship but he still has feelings for me. He's turning 30 in 2 months so that might be another reason for the little freak out? What does that mean? Is that just a polite way to say goodbye? It makes me feel worse because instead of turning to me to help him through all this - he is turning away from me, which is not like him. I really want to try to help him through everything because I care about him so much ... I understand that right now we can't be together - but I still can't wrap my head around the idea of getting over him. I know I can do it, I've done it before, and I know there's 'love out there', and things will be great someday without him when I get over him ...... but I don't want to get over him. Any advice would do .... should I be trying to help and showing I love him and am here for him until he realizes what he needs out of life? Or let him do it on his own? So confused ....
marty Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 he needs to do it on his own. and you need to go try and move on with your life somehow too. i'm sure he already knows how much you love and care for him.
Curious139 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I feel for you and the greatest comfort I can offer is that you are not alone. In a sense, I did what your boyfriend did to my own ex, or at least she must have felt much the same as you. The difference is that I genuinely did just need a short time to get to the right point.............but in the 2 months that took, she lost hope and met someone else. I can't blame her but the profound loss and pain I've experienced losing the love of my life is indescribable. I suggest you need to look ahead on the basis the relationship is over. You won't be able to give up hope, its a normal human position, but everything will fade slowly over time. Keep busy, involve yourself with friends, be among people, exercise. We've all been there - still am!! - so don't hesitate to share here.
relearning2breath Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 im sorry that you are having a rough time of it. I understand how you feel. I was at rock bottom not so very long ago myself. But you know what the great thing about rock bottom is? You cant go anywhere but up.
Izzy B Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Ok, you need to read the book He's Just Not That Into You. It states that when a guy breaks up with you, he is not into you. Relationships where the guy is breaking up all the time and is "unsure".....that means he is just not that into you. Greg Behrendt says if you break up more than once, he is just not that into you. Also....he told you straight out that he is not in love with you. Do you want to be with a man who is not in love with you? Have you ever been around a guy who really likes you a lot and wants to be around you a lot, but you just didn't feel a spark and were very neutral towards him? Well, that is how this guy is feeling for you right now. Although men are different in that they will still have sex with a woman they don't feel a spark for because it's...well, sex. Please keep reminding yourself that this guy doesn't feel anything for you romantically and he downright doesn't love you and ask yourself if that is what you really want anyway.
ahah2322 Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 hey baby, you gotta be strong and believe in yourself. i 'hit rock bottom' a few months ago and like you, i felt like how you felt I'm scared that I will never be able to fully get over him. I'm scared that even with NC, I will always want him in my life. this feels like it is never going to get better. I know in my head relationships start, and relationships end, and that is just the way life is - but I refuse to accept that this is the end. but i guess you have to accept this is the end. you've got your closure so take some time off to reflect and then start your love life anew. there are people who have spent a large part of their lives away moping and such stories are extremely deplorable. be strong and im sure you will find someone else better. in any case, you do not need a partner to make you happy. it's all in the mindset. write back here for support and <hugs>
ls707 Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Thanks for your responses. It makes me feel better to think there might be hope. I talked to my ex again because I just couldn't fully understand what was going on - and he explained to me that he needs time to figure out what it is that makes him happy. He's not sure if his job is right, he's not sure if his current living situation is right, and he's not sure what he wants to do the rest of his life. He says until he finds out all these things he can't be in a relationship but he still has feelings for me. He's turning 30 in 2 months so that might be another reason for the little freak out? What does that mean? Is that just a polite way to say goodbye? It makes me feel worse because instead of turning to me to help him through all this - he is turning away from me, which is not like him. I really want to try to help him through everything because I care about him so much ... I understand that right now we can't be together - but I still can't wrap my head around the idea of getting over him. I know I can do it, I've done it before, and I know there's 'love out there', and things will be great someday without him when I get over him ...... but I don't want to get over him. Any advice would do .... should I be trying to help and showing I love him and am here for him until he realizes what he needs out of life? Or let him do it on his own? So confused .... Hey Jane, some men like to do things on their own, this builds their confidence and their self worth in their eyes. You said hes turning 30, i bet he feels weak or unaccomplished because he hasnt found his career path yet; men tend to be hard on themselves, trust me i know. If hes reconsidering everything again. It seems to sound like hes going through a discovery process all over again; maybe something hit him emotionally and mentally that really made him re think his agendas. Something hit him really hard. And this could make him feel like he might be either inadequate or incapable of supporting you or taking care of you. Basically put his confidence in himself is shaken and this has bought out a whole process of rediscovery with him. What can you do? Show him that you are there, if he absolutely tells you that he wants to be left alone; then have the final talk with him; get a feel of what he feels for you, weather he loves your or not, weather he sees any point any reconciliation. If he still loves you and just needs time to fix himself up and regain his confidence, then its worth the wait or like izzyB or whomever said; if hes just playing you around then get ready to move on. You will get over him and find some one else. Frankly; if i were in his shoes, id lean on you during my weakest moments, cuz in the end we all need somebody to fall back on. You sound like a good girl, trustworthy and some one he can confide in, hope he sees this in you. But what I said initially could be the case as well, where he feels as a man that he has to sort out his own issues by himself and therefore resulting in his confidence being rebuilt and his self-worth being restored to where it was.
Author janedoe123 Posted August 31, 2007 Author Posted August 31, 2007 you all have helped with your advice and thoughts - I feel so much better being able to share my story and have people listen and actually care to respond! I think I am going to let him do this on his own, if anything I will let him know one more time i am here if he needs me, but other than that - he made it clear it's not me that is going to make him happy and it sounds like he is in search of some big life change that will make him happy. So now that I've decided that, it's keeping busy and getting through each day that is going to be tough. I finally realize it will all get better and what's meant to be will work out in the end for both of us - separate or apart. I'm still hurting a lot, and find it most hard when I wake up and realize that I'm still in this mess - if there are people out there that have gone through this and know any tips - feel free to share
marty Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 you all have helped with your advice and thoughts - I feel so much better being able to share my story and have people listen and actually care to respond! I think I am going to let him do this on his own, if anything I will let him know one more time i am here if he needs me, but other than that - he made it clear it's not me that is going to make him happy and it sounds like he is in search of some big life change that will make him happy. So now that I've decided that, it's keeping busy and getting through each day that is going to be tough. I finally realize it will all get better and what's meant to be will work out in the end for both of us - separate or apart. I'm still hurting a lot, and find it most hard when I wake up and realize that I'm still in this mess - if there are people out there that have gone through this and know any tips - feel free to share 5 weeks since my relationship ended and mornings are still really hard. i'm in a better place than i was a few weeks back, but mornings are rough. particularly as she always used to txt me good morning when she went to work. i miss that. i guess its just time,, everyone says it, but its true. i'm trying not to think of the past too much,, and looking forward, but that isnt always easy,, especially when your on your own. stay busy, stay around people that love you, and keep reminding yourself of how much you have to offer as a person. and we're with you.
Recommended Posts