phooka31u Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 My GF and I have been together for almost 6 months now and we are indeed in love with each other. We recently moved in together and there is one thing we can not come to a compromise with it is the affection areas, she by nature is not a very affectionate person she needs her space I on the other hand want to show her affection a lot. She is in a job she hates, she told me last night she is irritated with everything, the kids, me, our house mate. I thought that maybe if she didn't have a job she hated so much that the irritation with everything else would subside. There are plans in place for her to change careers but to execute those plans we need to be more stable and secure in our relationship. We want this to work out we are both willing to do whatever it takes to make this work out. She has also told me that I was smothering her, I found a thread here that gave me insight to that issue and since then it has been a non-issue. I guess what I am getting at is how do we find a compromise to her needs with affection and mine. I truly believe she is "the one" but we need to get past this. Please help
jcster Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 There are plans in place for her to change careers but to execute those plans we need to be more stable and secure in our relationship. Why? What does your relationship have to do with her career? Her overwhelmed feeling is due to the fact that she's tangled her life up by putting dependencies where they don't exist. Work and love life should NOT be intertwined. Housing and love should not be intertwined either. It's easy to fall into this trap, but that's what it is. One's life shouldn't be a house of cards that can fall apart by moving one card. I strongly urge that you examine your own opinions of why this tangle has happened, and do your part to make sure that you aren't contributing to it. She's not going to get it straightened out if she feels the relationship is in danger if she quits her job or moves.
Trialbyfire Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 she by nature is not a very affectionate person she needs her space I on the other hand want to show her affection a lot. I don't think I need to go any further. Only she can change herself. Using excuses to justify herself is sufficient indication that she doesn't want to change. If she honestly wants to make the relationship work, she would be willing to compromise, as long as the two of you are clearly understanding each other's wants or needs. Make certain it's not a communication disconnect and if it's not, you're only headed for more frustration.
Eldanesh Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I truly believe she is "the one" but we need to get past this. There is no ONE. There are good Ones and there are bad Ones, but there is no ONE. Stop bying into the soulmate myth, you'll be much better for it.
Author phooka31u Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 Thanks for the replies as the day went on we had some discussions about this very issue and some others. Eldanesh: I wasn't meaning the whole "soulmate" thing, as "the one" I merely meant she is the one I am going to marry. We are on the same page as far as that is concerned. There is allot of love in our relationship. Trialbyfire: We are very open with our needs there is no lack of communication here. She is well aware of what I need in this as am I of hers. Jcster: I should have been more clear on what I meant with the career comment. She is going to be joining the Air Force but in order to do that we need to be married because we both have children from previous marriages. Now before you pull out the flamethrower on that comment let me elaborate. The talk of marriage proceeded the talk of the AF. We have been talking marriage for a few months now and recently we started talking about the AF. So in a way the stability in our relationship does affect the career. I do understand what you are saying about separating love and career. I guess I should have been more specific. So my question still stands is this affection thing something that a compromise can be achieved on?
jcster Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 So my question still stands is this affection thing something that a compromise can be achieved on? Absolutely, but you're both going to have to work on it. Do you need her to show physical affection to know that she cares? If so, why? Is that why you need to show it to her more than she wants? It's about what you want and why you want it. Once you figure that out, you can ask for it in other ways. Hope that makes sense!
Author phooka31u Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 It really doesn't take allot of affection to make me happy like as i was typing my previous reply she walked by and ran her hand across my shoulder and to me that was great. I don't need allot but it may just be that the timing is the issue. The kids demand allot of her attention and at the end of the day she is pretty much spent and does not have allot left for me. Which I understand as most parents would. Today I believe has been a step in the right direction. I do not feel any want for the events of the day. All my needs have been met. We are both comfortable and are finding happiness in each other again. I think we may have found our compromise. In the last week the issue of me smothering her has come up. I think I took it to too much of an extreme as in stepping too far back. There may have been some resentment formed there but as of late we are doing much better.
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