am i wrong for being upset?

[design1]

trying to give you a quick recap...

my fiance' and i were arguing for a couple days... well on monday she decides she is going to take off to go out to the bar with a friend on tues. i tell her i've got a couple things i can go do wed. with a couple of my friends, so could she just go out wed and we can try to cut the crap and get things smoothed out on tues and spend some quality time. NO, her friend wants to go tomorrow, she asked first, first come first serve, blah blah blah. of course this bugs me and i kinda feel it's very unfair when i approach her nicely and don't tell her she can't go out, rather just need to spend some time to be close and put away the b.s. so we argue a little more tues before she leaves and i tell her i can't believe that when i've got important things i need to talk to her about that she can't move a day to do soemthing or just give me time. the bar will always be there. hurt feelings can't wait IMO.

 

anyway short and sweet of it, she leaves tues night about 8. i need to get a massive amounts of car parts for our vehicles (maint. stuff) so i go to 5 different stores buyin all kinds of car crap. about $130.00 and 3 1/2 hours of trips later, i need to get another set of car ramps for my car (which won't fit in my car now). so i swing by the bar she's at and drop off 1 set of ramps in her truck. i run in to let her know that there are ramps in the back of the truck and to bring them in when she gets home so they don't get stolen. well... she's sittin there next to her friend at the bar... talking to the guy that's buying her and her friend drinks. (oh its lady's night at this bar btw and always a huge meat market.) and did i mention she's taken off her engagement ring? so i walk up and she turns and has that deer in the headlight look... i said hey. guy says hey who are you? oh, i'm her fiance'. the guy was quite a bit surprised! so i was really upset. asked her if i could talk to her for a sec outside and her stupid friend was no, no you can't leave me here bla bla bla, why was i there, etc. i just said i was wondering why she took off her wedding ring.... she's not married, shes not marrried she kept sayin. oh i meant her engagement ring! she is engaged and she took it off. didn't have anything to say. her friend introduces the guy next to my fiance' as her cousin mike. (which he wasn't and she lied). i just had a disgusted look on my face and said i can't believe you and left. Friend lied to me, and is happy with getting hit on at the bars and taking drinks from guys. Oh she’s married, 10 years older than my fiance’ (40) and has 3 kids at home.

 

so after much discussion of the events that night... here's what i was given:

 

its ok for guys to buy me drinks at a bar as long as i don't do anything with them. if they'll buy me drinks all night, whats wrong with me taking them?

 

its ok for me to carry on with guys that are trying to pick me up at the bar as long as it doesn't go anywhere.

 

i took my ring off after i left because i was mad at you and didn't want to wear my engagment ring. I didn’t lie, the guy didn’t ask me if I was married or engaged.

And if she lies to you that’s not my fault. She was doing it to keep me from getting yelled at. She can do what she wants. I can’t control it if she wants to flirt around with guys while we sit at the bar.

 

So… anyone else be as upset by that as I am?

[jcster]

Oh my. Oh my oh my. I would be FURIOUS!

 

Her friend is obviously not a good influence on her, but that's no excuse. And, for her to do this while still engaged is unbelievably worrisome. Marriage is hard work. If she's pulling this crap before she even gets there, you're going to have some problems.

 

The excuses she gave you are just that, excuses, and bad ones at that. This is a massive betrayal of trust! I think you might need to re-evaluate the relationship at this point.

[ls707]

trying to give you a quick recap...

my fiance' and i were arguing for a couple days... well on monday she decides she is going to take off to go out to the bar with a friend on tues. i tell her i've got a couple things i can go do wed. with a couple of my friends, so could she just go out wed and we can try to cut the crap and get things smoothed out on tues and spend some quality time. NO, her friend wants to go tomorrow, she asked first, first come first serve, blah blah blah. of course this bugs me and i kinda feel it's very unfair when i approach her nicely and don't tell her she can't go out, rather just need to spend some time to be close and put away the b.s. so we argue a little more tues before she leaves and i tell her i can't believe that when i've got important things i need to talk to her about that she can't move a day to do soemthing or just give me time. the bar will always be there. hurt feelings can't wait IMO.

 

anyway short and sweet of it, she leaves tues night about 8. i need to get a massive amounts of car parts for our vehicles (maint. stuff) so i go to 5 different stores buyin all kinds of car crap. about $130.00 and 3 1/2 hours of trips later, i need to get another set of car ramps for my car (which won't fit in my car now). so i swing by the bar she's at and drop off 1 set of ramps in her truck. i run in to let her know that there are ramps in the back of the truck and to bring them in when she gets home so they don't get stolen. well... she's sittin there next to her friend at the bar... talking to the guy that's buying her and her friend drinks. (oh its lady's night at this bar btw and always a huge meat market.) and did i mention she's taken off her engagement ring? so i walk up and she turns and has that deer in the headlight look... i said hey. guy says hey who are you? oh, i'm her fiance'. the guy was quite a bit surprised! so i was really upset. asked her if i could talk to her for a sec outside and her stupid friend was no, no you can't leave me here bla bla bla, why was i there, etc. i just said i was wondering why she took off her wedding ring.... she's not married, shes not marrried she kept sayin. oh i meant her engagement ring! she is engaged and she took it off. didn't have anything to say. her friend introduces the guy next to my fiance' as her cousin mike. (which he wasn't and she lied). i just had a disgusted look on my face and said i can't believe you and left. Friend lied to me, and is happy with getting hit on at the bars and taking drinks from guys. Oh she’s married, 10 years older than my fiance’ (40) and has 3 kids at home.

 

so after much discussion of the events that night... here's what i was given:

 

its ok for guys to buy me drinks at a bar as long as i don't do anything with them. if they'll buy me drinks all night, whats wrong with me taking them?

 

its ok for me to carry on with guys that are trying to pick me up at the bar as long as it doesn't go anywhere.

 

i took my ring off after i left because i was mad at you and didn't want to wear my engagment ring. I didn’t lie, the guy didn’t ask me if I was married or engaged.

And if she lies to you that’s not my fault. She was doing it to keep me from getting yelled at. She can do what she wants. I can’t control it if she wants to flirt around with guys while we sit at the bar.

 

So… anyone else be as upset by that as I am?

 

man, this sounds kinda sketchy, and her friend sounds even more sketchy. Her justification for this is gonna be, your trying to control her and are being a control freak, or stalker by following her around or some stupidness like that. Trust she will try to turn this on you and how its all your fault.

 

Frankly, I wouldnt be furious about it or throw a fit, but its a rude awakening; and i think you need to really re-evaluate your engagement/ marriage plans with this woman.

 

edit: i doubt i would through a fit or be furious over this, but yes i will be upset, to answer your original question.

[Cobra_X30]

 

i took my ring off after i left because i was mad at you and didn't want to wear my engagment ring. I didn’t lie, the guy didn’t ask me if I was married or engaged.

And if she lies to you that’s not my fault. She was doing it to keep me from getting yelled at. She can do what she wants. I can’t control it if she wants to flirt around with guys while we sit at the bar.

 

So… anyone else be as upset by that as I am?

 

Yeah, so if she doesnt want to wear your ring... take it back!

 

Its not ok, to let other guys buy you drinks!! It's not ok to lead other men on! But you obviously had an idea what was going on before hand...

 

This girl is trailer trash... and I think you know this. Why are you even going to continue on with her? I would bet she doesnt have a bright and shiney past. Do you still want to marry her?

 

If it were me I'd have a chat with her friend... and her friends husband if possible!!!

[design1]

man, this sounds kinda sketchy, and her friend sounds even more sketchy. Her justification for this is gonna be, your trying to control her and are being a control freak, or stalker by following her around or some stupidness like that. Trust she will try to turn this on you and how its all your fault.

 

bingo! i get the "you control" me guilt trip constantly!

 

i guess i fall guilty in the catagory of "control" from the aspect that i am always thinking of plans or trying to line up things for us to do. and that being the case, on rare occasions something else will come up that she'd like to go to dinner with the work crowd, etc. but since we have plans now she feels "controlled" because she can't go. that's pretty much the extent of my control with her friends. am i guilty of wanting to spend time with us doing things... yes. that's just the way things play out when you're not single.

 

and for the record... i don't mind if she goes to dinner with the work crowd... or goes shopping with a girlfriend... or goes to check out a chick flick with a buddy from work... just give me some heads up notice so that i can line something up for myself. is that so wrong i'd like to be asked if i had anything planned for tues because she was thinking of going to xyz? to me that's just being polite to your other half.

[sofakingmad]

huge red flag. can't tell you what to do but if it were me i'd cut my losses now.

[FrequentFlyer]

Well, you got the REAL picture, my friend.

 

Move on. She wouldn't even deserve an explanation in my book.

But, I am curious about something.

 

If you two are engaged, would it really matter if you two had "whatever you felt needed to be discussed" another night? I mean, did it HAVE to be Tuesday? Maybe I mis-read your comments, or maybe we're only getting one side of the story (and there are always THREE sides to a story...yours, theirs and the truth...somewhere in between).

 

Anyway, my point is that the way your story flows it almost appears like you wanted to trap her. Maybe you suspected something was up?

Sometimes when we dig around enough, we find what we suspected all along, and sometimes that can really hurt.

 

I don't know. I'm not living your life, but if this were MY world, it would be "game over."

 

Be glad you learned all this BEFORE walking down the aisle.

[design1]

Well, you got the REAL picture, my friend.

 

Move on. She wouldn't even deserve an explanation in my book.

But, I am curious about something.

 

If you two are engaged, would it really matter if you two had "whatever you felt needed to be discussed" another night? I mean, did it HAVE to be Tuesday? Maybe I mis-read your comments, or maybe we're only getting one side of the story (and there are always THREE sides to a story...yours, theirs and the truth...somewhere in between).

 

Anyway, my point is that the way your story flows it almost appears like you wanted to trap her. Maybe you suspected something was up?

Sometimes when we dig around enough, we find what we suspected all along, and sometimes that can really hurt.

 

I don't know. I'm not living your life, but if this were MY world, it would be "game over."

 

Be glad you learned all this BEFORE walking down the aisle.

 

believe me, when i talk of things, i try to speak as they happen or what was actually said... not from my point of view. i know beyond the shadow of a doubt no one is always right and no one is always wrong. everyone is at fault....

 

but actually i wanted to sit down with her on monday night and try to go out to a nice dinner and have a nice talk to stop the crap... but she didn't come home right away after work and went shopping so i was wanting to sit down on tues. so i said soemthing about tues and then she said she can't and said she's going out... and i'm the kind of person i can't hold stuff in so when i've got something buggin me, it gets worse till i can get it out! wasn't trying to keep her from going out... i was fine with her goin wed like i said, i could have lined up things for me to do wed as well so we all would have won.

[jcster]

Does your fiance drink a lot? I think that there's more to this than just going out and getting hit on by guys. It sounds like she spends a lot of time going out with friends - have you noticed if she comes home smelling like booze?

 

The "you're trying to control me" crud is straight out of addiction 101. She's hiding something, and it's not necessarily her avoiding you. Is there something that she doesn't want you to see?

[Arizona100]

In my book, it is not ok for me to go to the bar alone or with a girlfriend, it's asking for trouble. Its not ok to get free drinks from guys, and to let them hit on me when you're not around.

Its not ok to take my ring off even if I am red mad at you.

I'd be furious too ...

[ls707]

bingo! i get the "you control" me guilt trip constantly!

 

i guess i fall guilty in the catagory of "control" from the aspect that i am always thinking of plans or trying to line up things for us to do. and that being the case, on rare occasions something else will come up that she'd like to go to dinner with the work crowd, etc. but since we have plans now she feels "controlled" because she can't go. that's pretty much the extent of my control with her friends. am i guilty of wanting to spend time with us doing things... yes. that's just the way things play out when you're not single.

 

and for the record... i don't mind if she goes to dinner with the work crowd... or goes shopping with a girlfriend... or goes to check out a chick flick with a buddy from work... just give me some heads up notice so that i can line something up for myself. is that so wrong i'd like to be asked if i had anything planned for tues because she was thinking of going to xyz? to me that's just being polite to your other half.

 

I hear ya, i have been down this road. Not a pleasant one. Cut your losses now and leave. imagine u marry this chick and have kids with her, and then she does **** like this behind ur back.

 

Sorry you dont deserve it, take the ring back or tell her she can keep it her pocket, permanently.

[maynard]

just showing up like that could be a little creepy. did you call first? but still, if her ring was off, that is really, really bad. she could rationalize that she wanted free drinks and the only way to do it would be to take the ring off...but what is she really saying by that?

 

you have every right to be upset. the whole thing looks really bad. sorry man

[Cobra_X30]

but actually i wanted to sit down with her on monday night and try to go out to a nice dinner and have a nice talk to stop the crap... but she didn't come home right away after work and went shopping so i was wanting to sit down on tues. so i said soemthing about tues and then she said she can't and said she's going out... and i'm the kind of person i can't hold stuff in so when i've got something buggin me, it gets worse till i can get it out! wasn't trying to keep her from going out... i was fine with her goin wed like i said, i could have lined up things for me to do wed as well so we all would have won.

 

If you dont mind my asking... what do you plan to do? Are you going to ask for your ring back?

[design1]

Does your fiance drink a lot? I think that there's more to this than just going out and getting hit on by guys. It sounds like she spends a lot of time going out with friends - have you noticed if she comes home smelling like booze?

 

The "you're trying to control me" crud is straight out of addiction 101. She's hiding something, and it's not necessarily her avoiding you. Is there something that she doesn't want you to see?

 

 

no she doesn't go out to the bars that much. they'll go after work to dinner every month or so and then swing by the bar to "b.s." but that's about it. we work a lot of hours so she's just at home for an hour or 2 at night then repeat the next day. weekends we usually head out on the boat a day or just chill at home.

 

we do spend a lot of time together, but its not "spending" time its just living during the week and then a little time on the weekend. she's said things about wanting a click of gf to hang with and i understand and that's fine. i don't have a ton of guys that i hang w/ either... by choice. primarily because i don't get into the P*ssy talk that seems to OVERWHELM EVERY time you are around the guys. i'm weird i guess. but i have respect for my girl and don't want to get all wrapped up in that... gets old REAL quick! unfortunatly that is 99% of the male population. so to curtail it, can't remember a single time in almost 3 years that i haven't included her in something when others are involved!

 

having your own friends is cool. but what my chain gets yanked on is, and i asked her this... why do all your plans with you and "your" frineds revolve going to sit at a bar and drinking? why can't you do normal stuff like hit a movie, go to eat dinner, go shopping, etc... it's always...and i love the "it's a girls night out just for the girls and that's what they want to do"... my response is always "i don't understand if it's just the girls goin out and all its supposed to be is girls... why does so much of the time the "girls" are supposed to be carrying on, revolve around talking to "guys". "well i don't, they do. i just sit there" seems reeeeeeeal strange that you need to have the girl time, but the majority of it is spent with the "other girl" in pursuit of other things and not spending time with you.

 

kinda like this bs last week. "i just needed some space and girl time". well if that's the case, why are you out at the meat market bar at 10 oclock at night with a girl who is more interested in free drinks from the guys that are hitting on you. "well it was all her not me"... OOOOK!

[design1]

In my book, it is not ok for me to go to the bar alone or with a girlfriend, it's asking for trouble. Its not ok to get free drinks from guys, and to let them hit on me when you're not around.

Its not ok to take my ring off even if I am red mad at you.

I'd be furious too ...

 

 

thank you so much! i told her i felt betrayed that she would take off her ring when going out to a meat market bar with guys swarming all over you. "well i take it off at work and i'm not trying to pick up on my co-workers!" you wouldn't believe the excuses that's been thrown my way! i said you can play dumb, but you KNOW beyond the shadow of a doubt if you don't want to welcome guys to bother you at the ladies night bar fest you don't walk in without your ring on!

 

point is, i said if i went out to a bar with some guy and you came in and found me talking to girls buying me drinks and i took of my ring, you would be devasted. "no i wouldn't be devestated... i'd be mad at you but not devasted". this coming from a girl who has been cheated on by several guys and ALWAYS hounds me if i talked to any girls if i ever happen to be out without her! yeah right!

[starlite]

I guess I am seeing this from a totally different perspective here but let me tell you what was running though my mind with this:

 

You two got in a fight, she needed time...you should give that to her, and why couldnt you just switch your plans from Wednesday to Tuesday for her sake. Why should she have to switch hers?

 

Also, nothing you say will make my opinion change on this one...The only reason you stopped by that bar was to check up on her. I had a bf like this and it was so unattractive. You could have brought the stuff home..or something. But when you and your gf are clearly in an arguement and she wants space, leave her be. Dont show up where she is with some wicked lame excuse "I was trying to do something for us>" If all that was was to put something in her truck you would have left a note. You embarassed yourself.

 

I dont agree with the ring being taken off or the flirting...however i do think she was trying to blow off some steam. Laugh, get her self esteem a little boost. NOT TRYING TO JUSTIFY!! But i dont know. And I know for a fact my friends would lie for me in a second. They arent bad people, just MY friends.

 

You both should be able to go to bars, or wherever and trust eachother. There is nothing wrong with people in relationships going to a bar for the night with friends. Maybe it is a "dangerous" position to be in...but you should be trusting with eachother and know that your SO wouldnt do anything and know that you areboth young and going out is normal, as long as it isnt all the time.

 

So again...yes, i would be upset if I had a husband and he took his ring off because we were fighting...but I wouldnt know (cause i wouldnt go stalking him where he is) and most likely it would end up being harmless in the long run.

 

By the way, i am 25 years old and i have been in a relationship for over 2 years now. (Just so you know my situation as well.)

[annabelle75]

I guess I am seeing this from a totally different perspective here but let me tell you what was running though my mind with this:

 

You two got in a fight, she needed time...you should give that to her, and why couldnt you just switch your plans from Wednesday to Tuesday for her sake. Why should she have to switch hers?

 

Also, nothing you say will make my opinion change on this one...The only reason you stopped by that bar was to check up on her. I had a bf like this and it was so unattractive. You could have brought the stuff home..or something. But when you and your gf are clearly in an arguement and she wants space, leave her be. Dont show up where she is with some wicked lame excuse "I was trying to do something for us>" If all that was was to put something in her truck you would have left a note. You embarassed yourself.

 

I dont agree with the ring being taken off or the flirting...however i do think she was trying to blow off some steam. Laugh, get her self esteem a little boost. NOT TRYING TO JUSTIFY!! But i dont know. And I know for a fact my friends would lie for me in a second. They arent bad people, just MY friends.

 

You both should be able to go to bars, or wherever and trust eachother. There is nothing wrong with people in relationships going to a bar for the night with friends. Maybe it is a "dangerous" position to be in...but you should be trusting with eachother and know that your SO wouldnt do anything and know that you areboth young and going out is normal, as long as it isnt all the time.

 

So again...yes, i would be upset if I had a husband and he took his ring off because we were fighting...but I wouldnt know (cause i wouldnt go stalking him where he is) and most likely it would end up being harmless in the long run.

 

By the way, i am 25 years old and i have been in a relationship for over 2 years now. (Just so you know my situation as well.)

 

Thank you for posting this. I was thinking the exact same thing.

 

Also .... I believe there is a major part of this story missing which might explain alot. What were you fighting about?

 

Yikes .... if I was ina fight with my BF, H or Fiancee and I went out with my girffiends to blow off steam I would have completely blown up if he then showed up where I was with a lame excuse about needing to put something in my truck. Based on what has been posted thus far, I can see control issues. He seems to want her to check in with him before she makes any plans and cancel if he wants her to do something else. Thats not good or healthy.

 

I also think people are reading too much into her taking off her ring. If she was REALLY pissed off about something, she could have had just cause and took it off out of anger. They aren't married yet.

[design1]

Thank you for posting this. I was thinking the exact same thing.

 

Also .... I believe there is a major part of this story missing which might explain alot. What were you fighting about?

 

Yikes .... if I was ina fight with my BF, H or Fiancee and I went out with my girffiends to blow off steam I would have completely blown up if he then showed up where I was with a lame excuse about needing to put something in my truck. Based on what has been posted thus far, I can see control issues. He seems to want her to check in with him before she makes any plans and cancel if he wants her to do something else. Thats not good or healthy.

 

I also think people are reading too much into her taking off her ring. If she was REALLY pissed off about something, she could have had just cause and took it off out of anger. They aren't married yet.

 

i welcome both sides of the fence...

argument was over a bunch of things, job stress, trying to leave for vacation, too much tension... usual stupid fight, several things, not just one.

 

believe as you will... she's been out several times... never have had to show up before. had things to get done because we had plans for the weekend, which required all the car crap. no other intention other than not wanting stuff i just bought to get stolen.

 

and with everyone i've ever known, pretty much every person i know will put forth the following statement when asked to do something. "hey bob, you want to go play cards this thursday?"... "i don't know, let me check with my W/GF first and let you know tomorrow" one person's courtesy is another person's control.

 

and you're entitled to take of a ring if you go out and want to put on the single vibe. i think you'll be hard pressed tho, to find the majority of society that will say that it is anything less than a shady slap in the face to your other half if you do it.

[starlite]

i welcome both sides of the fence...

argument was over a bunch of things, job stress, trying to leave for vacation, too much tension... usual stupid fight, several things, not just one.

 

believe as you will... she's been out several times... never have had to show up before. had things to get done because we had plans for the weekend, which required all the car crap. no other intention other than not wanting stuff i just bought to get stolen.

 

and with everyone i've ever known, pretty much every person i know will put forth the following statement when asked to do something. "hey bob, you want to go play cards this thursday?"... "i don't know, let me check with my W/GF first and let you know tomorrow" one person's courtesy is another person's control.

 

and you're entitled to take of a ring if you go out and want to put on the single vibe. i think you'll be hard pressed tho, to find the majority of society that will say that it is anything less than a shady slap in the face to your other half if you do it.

 

If one of my gf's call and ask me to come over or meet for dinner or whatever..i say yes or no..however i feel, and then tell my bf "Hey, I am going to so and so's" or whatever the situation may be. If my bf and I have plans then no, i wouldnt break them. But you do get to a point in a relationship where you live your life as you would but dont disrespect your SO. My bf does the same thing. A lot of couples i know do this. I cant imagine having to tell a friend "Sorry, to short notice to run this by the bf" or "Let me make sure he's ok with it." I should be able to figure he will be fine with anything i decide to do (Within respect levels).

 

Also...you two were in a fight!

 

But yes, the ring thing was a slap in the face. But ya know, my bf and i got in a fight one night and i took all our pictures down. He was like "Jumping the gun huh" and yes, I was, but I was upset...so that is what your fiance was...upset, jumping the gun, but she just wanted to feel some control over the situation ya know.

 

I would suggest letting this one go. Let her know (CALMLY AND ADULTLIKE) how it made you feel...her taking her ring off...and maybe ask her if she could control the urge to do that when she is upset with you.

[jcster]

Yikes .... if I was ina fight with my BF, H or Fiancee and I went out with my girffiends to blow off steam I would have completely blown up if he then showed up where I was with a lame excuse about needing to put something in my truck. Based on what has been posted thus far, I can see control issues. He seems to want her to check in with him before she makes any plans and cancel if he wants her to do something else. Thats not good or healthy.

 

It's a thin line, deciding what's controlling behavior and what's a simple request for consideration. If they live together, I would say that there is a reasonable expectation that there would be some consultation before plans are made. As for going by the bar - I agree that there was probably some element of checking up going on, but, it's a public place, and he actually did have a reason for being there.

 

I also think people are reading too much into her taking off her ring. If she was REALLY pissed off about something, she could have had just cause and took it off out of anger. They aren't married yet.

 

Oh, no - that I don't agree with. When someone gets engaged, and puts that ring on, then expectations of behavior must also change. Sure, you can take the ring off, even in anger - but you DON'T GO TO THE BAR ON LADIES NIGHT without it on your damn finger. It's a very big no-no and a HUGE red flag. I hope that the OP has a LONG engagement planned, because he needs to make sure that this isn't going to be her usual behavior.

[annabelle75]

i welcome both sides of the fence...

argument was over a bunch of things, job stress, trying to leave for vacation, too much tension... usual stupid fight, several things, not just one.

 

believe as you will... she's been out several times... never have had to show up before. had things to get done because we had plans for the weekend, which required all the car crap. no other intention other than not wanting stuff i just bought to get stolen.

 

and with everyone i've ever known, pretty much every person i know will put forth the following statement when asked to do something. "hey bob, you want to go play cards this thursday?"... "i don't know, let me check with my W/GF first and let you know tomorrow" one person's courtesy is another person's control.

 

and you're entitled to take of a ring if you go out and want to put on the single vibe. i think you'll be hard pressed tho, to find the majority of society that will say that it is anything less than a shady slap in the face to your other half if you do it.

 

There are holes in your story that don't make sense. If you were so concerned about your stuff getting stolen that you had to go interupt her girls night out (even though she was still upset over the arguments and wanted a night out without you), then why would you leave it in the back of a truck in the parking lot of a bar? That doesn't make any sense. You thought it would be safe there but you needed to make sure she brought it in when she got home because ..... why? And if you were so concerned couldn't you have waited till she got home and then unloaded it yourself? Or you could have just brought the stuff home and by passed interrupting her night all together. Can you see why I am not really buying your story?

 

Also, instead of jumping all over what her friend said you might want to ask yourself why she felt the need to jump in and defend her friend. Did you approach them in a threatening manner? Was she afraid you were going to start a fight with the guy at the bar?

[Cobra_X30]

Also...you two were in a fight!

 

But yes, the ring thing was a slap in the face. But ya know, my bf and i got in a fight one night and i took all our pictures down. He was like "Jumping the gun huh" and yes, I was, but I was upset...so that is what your fiance was...upset, jumping the gun, but she just wanted to feel some control over the situation ya know.

 

I would suggest letting this one go. Let her know (CALMLY AND ADULTLIKE) how it made you feel...her taking her ring off...and maybe ask her if she could control the urge to do that when she is upset with you.

 

Thats not very bright...

 

You may think... "Oh, Im mad and I have a right to do whatever", but your killing a piece of your relationship when you do that crap.

 

You take down the pictures... he is going to remember that forever... you cant take that action back. Next time you fight... he's just one step further out the door. I would have told you to keep them down, and probably asked for a pair of scissors to cut you out of them.

 

Does that make sense?

[design1]

There are holes in your story that don't make sense. If you were so concerned about your stuff getting stolen that you had to go interupt her girls night out (even though she was still upset over the arguments and wanted a night out without you), then why would you leave it in the back of a truck in the parking lot of a bar? That doesn't make any sense. You thought it would be safe there but you needed to make sure she brought it in when she got home because ..... why? And if you were so concerned couldn't you have waited till she got home and then unloaded it yourself? Or you could have just brought the stuff home and by passed interrupting her night all together. Can you see why I am not really buying your story?

 

Also, instead of jumping all over what her friend said you might want to ask yourself why she felt the need to jump in and defend her friend. Did you approach them in a threatening manner? Was she afraid you were going to start a fight with the guy at the bar?

 

sorry if i made it sound like i was done with shopping... i still had things to buy and no more room in my car. hence having to drop off stuff to finish buying junk to get things done before our trip. had no intention of bothering anyone. we really don't have the kind of relationship where "you're not allowed to see me when i leave for girl time" so i didn't see anything wrong with letting her know to bring in the stuff. also, if i was trying to be a pain or interrupt, i'd have gone there way WAY earlier instead of at the zero hour!

 

anyway, and her friend is 40, married, 3 kids. her husband is gone the majority of the week. goes where she wants when she wants, no one to answer to or be considerate of. (minus her 3 children that is! ) i get the feeling she's been looking for a drinking buddy... because since last week she's been bugging her to go out to the bars 4 times since a week ago. and after the few conversations that i've had with my fiance' it seems shes on the prowl if you get my drift.

 

just to play the devil's advocate.. say yes i was coming into the party to see what's up.... i still would like to hear your input on if you think its ok for an engaged woman to sit at a bar and carry on with guys that are trying to pick them up... and to sit and take drinks from guys that are after only one thing... are you saying that's ok?

[annabelle75]

just to play the devil's advocate.. say yes i was coming into the party to see what's up.... i still would like to hear your input on if you think its ok for an engaged woman to sit at a bar and carry on with guys that are trying to pick them up... and to sit and take drinks from guys that are after only one thing... are you saying that's ok?

 

It depends on the situation. All we are hearing is your perception of the situation. Just becasue she was sitting at bar and there was a guy talkign to her doesn;t mean she "carrying on." As far as we know it could have been her friend that was flirting with him. If you just walked in and approached her, how do you really know what was going on and how long their conversation had been? How do you know he bought them drinks?

 

I suggest you drop the facade of pretending you weren't checking up on her and just be honest about it. You were upset she didn't want to tlak to you when you wanted to resolve things, so you went and checked up on her. Although it wasn't a smart thing to do, it wasn't a criminal offense either. No need to keep pretending.

 

You didn't like seeing her having a good time while you were so upset and you didn't like her reaction to you intruding on her night. Its understandable on both sides. If I were you I would let it go unless you want to push this into being a deal breaker type situation. You both reacted poorly to the situation.

 

What are the chances of you both getting past this and addressing the problems you were fighting about in the first place? Do you really feel she did something so horrible and with such malicious intent that you want to take the chance of the realtionship ending over it? Be honest with yourself about what happened and why.

[FrequentFlyer]

I went to post again and saw you've posted more. So I'll reply here. You want to know if it's OK for her to get drinks from guys that are only after one thing.

 

Hmm. That's actually a tough question. First, you don't know what other people (guys at a ladies night) think (even though what you're suggesting is very likely true). Don't speak for others. Next, if you had not "magically appeared" at the bar, you wouldn't know any of this. Next, do you (or rather...) did you trust your GF before that night? If you trusted that your GF would go to the bar and have a good time with friends and would behave, what's the problem?

 

Hate to say it, but I'm spotting more and more controlling tendencies coming out every time you post. Sorry to tell you that (and it's only my twisted observation from these comments).

 

Look, I think she was wrong to have taken off her ring. You don't know if this is the first time she's done that either. But I know you're wondering about that...and a lot of other things too.

 

At the very least, I'd call for a time out. You need time (on your own) to decide if this has really got a future.

 

 

OK, what I was "about" to post....

 

As a guy, I still think your "story" of needing to discuss something Tuesday night -- and then showing up at the bar -- seems somewhat controlling. As much as finding her not wearing her ring was a red flag for you (there was no denying that), I feel, based on the information provided, that your actions were also not flattering.

 

No matter how you want to spin it.

Sorry.

 

I think finding her with her ring off was not good -- for her. Umm, that's an image that would be burned into my brain forever, bud. Don't forget that! Hopefully that's a wake up call for you. That would be a deal breaker for me, no explanations accepted. But I'm not you.

 

Honestly, though, I think you BOTH need to really examine if you are ready to settle down into a long term thing -- and, also carefully consider if you're both mature enough to accept the role of husband and wife.

 

Sounds like neither of you are really ready for that. But I don't know you at all, that's based on what I've read here. Again, sorry. And get over that control thing. Really. Take it from me, it's very unattractive.

 

Just my three cents. And I'm no angel, so take it for what it's worth.

 

 

FF