If you cheat, why lie when caught?

[cj1988]

Why is it that most people (male and female) when they are caught cheating, lie? They feel bad when you are discussing the issue and the OP, but a few days later they get mad make excuses for all the facts presented and turn it on the betrayed spouse?

 

Why not come clean and get it out, your marriage will be more likely to NOT work if you keep up with the lies and ignore the issue because it drives the betrayed nuts. Not only do they have the questions and doubt knowing what went on (gut and other small things that are definitely not right), but NO substantial proof (pics is the only proof). How can they be so bold as to then turn it around as if the spouse is crazy for suspecting. How can they live with that and the guilt of the affair unless it is still going on, right?

 

No one will bash the cheaters, this is to be honest help others...... SO BE HONEST !

[Lizzie60]

it's a normal defense mechanism...

 

A lot of cheaters stand by their lies and never admit...therefore the BS believes it's everyone else's fault and forgive the WS... and life goes on....

[cj1988]

Thanks for the reply, but why does the cheater stay with the BS and tell them they want to work it out and then act like they are miserable with the life they are chosing? Why not leave even if you cannot be with the one they cheated with and make a new happier life instead of staying and making everyone miserable as well. You would think that people who are guilty and want to make a go at it would be 110% in it after the hurt they have caused with lies....

[V6TransAM]

Underlying guilt and hostility. You were living a lie in the first place, it only makes sense at that time to lie your way out of it.

 

I was one of the cheaters, I will do anything possible to make it work again.

 

I hid behind lies and excuses, it wasnt until my eyes opened and I saw the damage I was causing thru my own eyes. It may have happened to late for me. I am working on myself and attending SLAA meetings voluntarily to work on my own issues as well as reading about infidelity and participating in online forums like this one.

 

If the cheater never hit that bottom to see what he/she has done or doesnt care enough to, the lies will never stop and it will happen again. I think most spouses/lovers can see right thru this, it might take time to realize, but I think they can see through it.

 

I think reconciling wont be a bed of roses to say, but if two people do indeed love each other and want it to work, they will use any resources available to make it happen if they want it to.

[Vixen763]

I think that the person betrayed has to make a decision whether they want to stay with the betrayer or not...If they do want to make things work, they must have the will and muscle to forgive and try to forget and move on...staying in the betrayal mode only makes the relationship works and it would not be fair on the betrayed to keep reminding you every other week, or day how you betrayed them...to me that can only mean they are not ready to move on from that point...

[harleygirl92156]

You can't make someone act the way you think they should act. If the cheater says they want to make the marriage work and then go about acting miserable and making their family's life miserable then they is only one thing the BS can do.

Whatever they need to do to stop THEIR life from being miserable. If that means ending the relationship then do it.

If you sit around EXPECTING the cheater to do certain things according to your hidden agenda, you will always be miserable. Take care of yourself, let the cheater take care of themselves, but let go of the expectations for the other person, it will only bring you constant misery.

Tell the cheater what you need from them, doesn't mean they will give it to you or do it, but at least you know they know what you need. It is then their choice if they want to fill your need, you can't force them. Just because you tell them what you need, doesn't mean they will do it. Whether they make an attempt to meet your needs or not will tell you a lot about whether or not they really want to make the relaionship work. Then it is up to you to figure out what you can live with and what you can live without.

Cheating is a very selfish act, therefore, it is sometimes unrealistic to expect them to give all they have to another. Some just don't have it in them, some do, but if you realize how selfish and act cheating is you will realize you will have to do what you can to take care of yourself and not depend on them to meet your needs, they are often far too busy worrying about and getting their own needs met.

[Trialbyfire]

The catch-22 in a cheating situation is that in reality, it's the lies afterwards that are more destructive than the affair itself. No wonder so many marriages end in divorce, where the cheater is thrown under the bus and run over about 15 times to Sunday...

[cj1988]

Thank you all again for the replies, but I wanted to get something straight. He has never admitted it and I DO NOT bring it up, that is why I am talking to you guys. He just acts like he does not want to be there anymore, but tells me he loves me and is here for the long haul. His actions do not tell me that at all. He is unhappy most of the time even when I am happy and trying to talk about his day, anything. He no longer kisses me, calls me or even touches me unless I touch him. If I decide to leave my marriage it is not because of the affair ( if it happened) it is because he is just there now. I try to flirt with him or text him with loving remarks and he says that I am acting like a teenager and we have been together for years now and made me feel bad about it. But he sure was talking like that with the OW. He just seems angry, hostile and on edge, but I am nothing but sweet to him and loving, what he has longed for and chased me for 11 years. All I asked of him is to show some/ any attention to me ( I am the giver/ he is the taker) and we would be great. He just does not seem to have the heart for it, he has changed totally since the OW, but said nothing happened. I want to move forward and am trying hard to get him to participate, but he is in limbo. If he is not in love with me why doesnt he just leave? That would be easier than this for both, but he claims to love me very much, always has.....I do not see that !

[marlena]

Well, it's like having your (hand ) caught in the cookie jar !!!! Seriously, it's cowardice! Mix in a dash of refusal to accept the consequences of one's actions and a pinch of selfishness (the best of two worlds syndrome) and there you have it!!! It's a coward's way out of a difficult situation.

[Trialbyfire]

cj, I didn't realize your situation was one of an incestuous affair. He can never admit to it. Do yourself a favour and walk away from this man. He's fixated on something way, way beyond your ability to understand or attempt to help. All you're doing is cycling within an incredibly dysfunctional situation.

 

Your spouse seems to need to be dependent. He fixated on you first, being jealous and controlling. When he found his 1/2 sister, he transferred that fixation/dependency onto her. No matter how you look at it, the entire situation is unhealthy.

[cj1988]

Thank you Trialbyfire. That is why I am so confused, he claims he did not do anything and was mad at me for months (wanted a divorce over the accusation) but now tells me he wants us and still acts like he is somewhere else, why not just leave me when he had the chance. Hell, he does now......I am afraid he is too deep with her ( I have read about GSA, Genetic Sexual Attraction) and hate life because they can never be and he cannot find his way back to me and out of the hole he has dug for himself. I have no idea what to do.......it is a sad story for all except the selfish sister who obviously was playing with his mind and affection.....she still takes his calls, but never calls him and is living happily with her husband. She has messed with his mind and heart and made an already love sick man a mess.....NOW I am......God help me decide !

[marlena]

If he is not in love with me why doesnt he just leave? That would be easier than this for both, but he claims to love me very much, always has.....I do not see that !

 

 

This would be the honest thing to do. But most men are cake eaters for as long as we enable them to be. As hard as it may be, perhaps you have to be the one to grab the cake away from him for your own well - being and sense of self. His unwillingness to even talk about the situation and his tearing down of all your efforts to ameliorate the situation are going to tear your self -esteem and sense of womanhood to shreds. This is something you must not allow him to do to you. Take control of the situation and prepare for the worst whilst hoping for the best. Let him know you will not stand for it! If you let it go, it will only spiral to a place you do not want to be. To do this, get selfish and think of yourself and what this is doing to you.

[EnigmasMuse]

If you cheat, why lie when caught?

 

Good question. A friend of mine, her mother walked in and caught her husband in the act, ! He denied it then, even though he was caught and he denies to this day. Of course she is still married to him 40 some years later after it happened. He will deny it till he dies is my guess.

[cj1988]

That is just awful. How can he deny it in the act? When we were split and he caught me I confessed it all, with details because he wanted to know and I wanted to be honest about it all. Needless to say, given the fact it is his sister that may be hard to own up to at this point because of the sensitivity of the subject. But, that does not give him the right to be mean to me to hide it either, that is just a bad person if you ask me. One day it will all come out whether I am around or not, trust me I do believe what goes around comes around. You wrong someone, you will one day be wronged the same way. I really wish him well if I leave and hope he finds whatever it is he is looking for, it will be hard for him, he has been a lost soul most of his life. Maybe me leaving will help him hit rock bottom and starighten up his life. God only has the answers for us all ! I just know the pain is too much right now and I am shutting down and changing towards him.

 

His anger reminds me too much of my Dad and that I will not deal with ever again, a lot of therapy to get past that, do not need it again. He is not physically abusive like my father was, but equally mentally and verbally abusive and no one should deal with that in a marriage. When it comes to the point when you do not have any regard for your spouses feelings (he hurts mine all the time, knows it and never apologizes) then I believe it is time to make changes, yes?

[ookla_2]

He is not concerned for your feelings at all. He does not have respect for you. He doesn't want to lose the marriage, because he doesn't want people to know what the cause of the breakup was. He's ashamed of his feelings for his half-sister and is afraid that you will tell people why you left (if you leave). I don't think there is any concern for you in the slightest bit on his part, so it may be time for you to start looking out for yourself.

 

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I cannot even imagine how you feel. I hope you find peace and happiness.

[cj1988]

Thanks OOKLA I do believe you are correct and it is sad. He has not always been this cold hearted and I pary everyday he finds the sweet man he was for so long. I will be fine as soon as I come to terms with what we are find that last bit of strength to move on without him. I know that he does not want a divorce and it will actually devistate him when it happens, but in the long run, I can say we tried or I tried and we both learned what NOT to do to someone you love. I know it will still be a long jouurney for both, we have been together for 13 years now, but we are not meant to be anymore to him, that is obvious. We both loose !

[ookla_2]

...but I just truly don't see what other option you have. His staying almost seems like he thinks he's doing you a favor...but in my humble, non-professional opinion, it seems like you are worse off this way than you would have been, had he told you he wanted out.

 

I know it has to be hard - after 13 years - to contemplate life without him. If he could change, and become the way he was to you before, would you still want to be with him? Knowing what you know (and you *know*, whether or not he ever admits it), would you be able to get past that and move forward with him? Because he will make all kinds of promises, and maybe even try to be like he was before. You need to decide that, before you make any sort of move to leave this relationship.

 

Please keep us all posted. We do care.

[justice]

I think most of all, the cheater is lying to himself or herself.

In the long run I think most of them realize that in coming totally clean to their legal partner, they will have to admit what they did not only to that partner but to themselves as well, and sometimes, it just isn't a truth that they can handle. JMHO

[cj1988]

You are all so sweet. This is like a nightmare to me and never saw it coming. No one in a million years would have seen this coming from him. I just get tired of seeing him upset and deep down I know why. He cannot stop what he felt for her ( Believe that with all my heart ) and now he cannot find his way back and he hates himself badly and takes it out on me. Somehow I think he believes I drove him to it or I deserve it.... NO ONE deserves this pain, NO ONE !

[justice]

You are all so sweet. This is like a nightmare to me and never saw it coming. No one in a million years would have seen this coming from him. I just get tired of seeing him upset and deep down I know why. He cannot stop what he felt for her ( Believe that with all my heart ) and now he cannot find his way back and he hates himself badly and takes it out on me. Somehow I think he believes I drove him to it or I deserve it.... NO ONE deserves this pain, NO ONE !

 

That's right Sweetie, no one deserves this pain. That does include yourself, now you just have to make the decision what to do.

Hoping it gets better.

[ookla_2]

And no matter what he tries to make you believe, we cannot FORCE someone to do something - whether it's trying to make someone love us, or, as he will probably try to make you think, driving them into an affair (especially in his situation! Who COULD have seen that coming?). This was not your doing. You may have to repeat that over and over and over to yourself, but it was most certainly NOT your doing.

 

The best thing you can do now is to start taking care of you. I know you are so used to taking care of him, and being concerned about his feelings and his emotional state, but who has been worrying about yours? I think it's time for you to worry about your own and let him take care of himself. If he can't, then at least he won't be your problem anymore.

 

And please know that I understand that this is all easier said than done. Your relationship did not form overnight, and it will not be easy to put it behind you (should you decide to do so). But, first and foremost, think about what you truly want. For YOURSELF, not for him.

[cj1988]

I just wish I could wave a magic wand and the answer will appear when in fact it is probably right in front of my face, he does not care and does not want to be there. You see we have a lake house (actually mine, I own both houses) and he loves it and knows he will not get it when we divorce. Everyone tells me that is the only reason he is still here and I say "No way" but maybe, we will see when it gets cold. I feel like a doormat and he will not talk to me at all about anything I feel. It always ends that I am worried about me and I am selfish, ME ME ME.....he never hears the pain I am in and if he does, he does not care. He holds a grudge and throws everything I have ever done in my face when we argue ( he shouts, I sit and stare ) So, you see it is worthless if he does not care or believe I am hurting. I am imagine that comes from the pain I caused him for years and he cannot find it in his heart to forgive me and or is scared I will do it again.

[ookla_2]

You stated you two were separated previously and you slept with someone else.....this was actually before the two of you were even married, correct? If he couldn't forgive you, he should have let you go. Seriously, what would be the point in staying with someone, just to continually punish them for how they hurt you previously?

 

I don't buy that as his reasoning, even though I'm sure he will try to use it. Don't buy into it, and don't be a doormat. I know the feeling - I have felt it too, but it's never too late to change it.

 

Look, I was caught in an EA last year. I'm not proud of it, and I know I caused a lot of damage. Through the years in our relationship, my H has messed up too. I never once used any of his mistakes as a REASON for why I did what I did, even in the heat of the argument. I wish I knew why I did what I did, but I did not blame him for it....because that is just wrong. Please remember, when he tries to throw your previous mistake (which I'm not even sure can be called that, if you guys had broken up briefly....how could you have even known that you would end up back together?) in your face, that it is just WRONG that he is trying to blame anything on you.

 

And please, please, please remember WHO his A or EA or whatever he is having is actually WITH. That has to help you keep your resolve. I mean, really....what the heck is he thinking?????

[ookla_2]

If he doesn't care or believe that you are hurting, it doesn't seem that talking things over with him will be beneficial to you at all. It will probably do you more harm than good. From what you've said, it doesn't seem like he even deserves to have a chance to talk things over.

 

As cold as it sounds, it seems like it's time for him to pack his sh*t and get out of both of YOUR houses (yes, even the beloved lake house....sux to be him, doesn't it?)

[cj1988]

You all are so GREAT ! Do you know that ! just an update......me and my H spent the evening at the lake house and as usual he is night and day. At the other house (also a nice house, but not on the water ) he is miserable, too much to do for him and he does NOTHING. We have older teenagers that help me a little, not enough. Last night, we played cards, laughed and had GREAT sex. I said why cant you be this way at the other house he did not answer. I said, but we are going to work on this together right baby, he smiled and said yes.....now to me he seems even bi-polar.

 

He said he can be himself at that house, we started it together although it is in my name (I bought it from my dad, been in the family 15 years). He loves the quiet and tranquilty if it all because we both work in the city. I love it because I grew up at that lake since 1974. Maybe it is just stress I do not know. Last night he may have given me a clue, look at the lyrics I have attached from a song by LINKIN PARK ( if you listen to heavy rock, we do) He said that is a good song, I said yes, he said listen to the words, I said I know them honey, what do they mean to you, he would not answer.....if you read it and think about it, he kind of admitted something.....

 

In this farewell

There’s no blood

There’s no alibi

‘Cause I’ve drawn regret

From the truth

Of a thousand lies

 

So let mercy come

And wash away

What I’ve done

 

 

I'll face myself

To cross out what i’ve become

Erase myself

And let go of what i’ve done

 

Put to rest

What you thought of me

While I clean this slate

With the hands of uncertainty

 

 

For what I’ve done

I start again

And whatever pain may come

Today this ends

I’m forgiving what I’ve done!!!

 

 

 

What I’ve done

Forgiving what I’ve done