Desperate?

[Trashed]

I met this guy named Ryan through a friend I no longer want to have anything to do with. He's amazing, and everything I could ask for,

but my ex-best friend decided she wanted to bring me down.

 

See, I had to move from Huntington Beach, CA. to Overland Park KS. What a trade off, huh? HAH. Anyways, I visited my home town during this summer to see friends and family. I hung out with my friend Jessa (the ex-best friend) and Ryan (the guy I'

m

in a relationship with now). Everything went well, at least I thought

so

.

 

Mind you, I'

m

aiming to go home around Christmas time. Both me and Ryan feel our relationship is worth waiting for. We talked for a couple weeks before we jumped into anything. We have

so

much chemistry, and these past couple months we have grown

so

close. I find that insane considering it's only been what... 2 months?

 

Now, this is where you'll probably get annoyed with Jessa and probably see why I'

m

aggrivated by the situation...

 

She called me desperate, even though she's hypocritical to this. Why is she hypocritical you ask? Because she's married at the tender age of 18. What kind of idiot does that,

ESPECIALLY

if you only knew the person for a couple weeks and a month later decided to get married when she went to Korea. Her husband is in the army and stationed there. He abuses her, and trust me if I was in an abusive relationship I would high tail it out of there ASAP regardless how much I loved him. About 50% of the reason she got married was because she wanted to get out of her disfunctional home. She also said that I'

m

psychotic because every guy I date I think I'

m

going to marry, I can't date someone I hardly know, I date every guy that finds me attractive, and I will never go home and I should probably just give up and stay in KS forever. Ryan even asked Jessa about me and she didn't even tell me the whole story of what he said. It was like she wanted to keep him away from me, or she wanted to keep a relationship that could make me happy stiffled.

 

How dare she say any of that!

It's like calling the kettle black.

 

I feel like and idiot for putting up with her crap for 4 years.

 

Yes, I've dated a handful of different people, but I'

m

doing it

so

I can figure out what I like in a person I could spend the rest of my life with. Every normal 18 or 19 year

old

likes to test the waters and see what they like best. I believe I'

m

normal. I do this because I don't want my future marriage to end up in a divorce.

 

I think I'

m

being pretty smart by doing this for myself. I had to learn the hard way by experiencing my parents divorce. That was

EXTREMELY

painful. I wouldn't want

my

kids to go through that.

 

 

Feed back?

Please and thank you!

[Star Gazer]

Have you ever given any thought to the possibility that because she rushed into things she now finds herself miserable and doesn't want her best friend to experience the same fate? Why are YOU assuming the worst about your friend's intentions?

 

That said, rushing things and being desperate are not necessarily one and the same. If she's 18, I'm assuming you must be pretty young yourself. At 18, I would honestly think that there must be some level of "desperation" (for lack of a better word) to become so easily attached after just meeting a person and then maintain a a very long-distance relationship. What is more, you're willing to give up your very best friend for a guy you literally barely know based on one stray comment? As an outside observer, that doesn't sound very rational to me.

[Trashed]

I dropped her because she attacked me hardcore and she had no right to say it. It's done and over with.

 

Maybe if she said it in a way that was more like constructive criticism, then I would have given it some thought. She ATTACKED me, no one responds in a good way to something like that.

 

Maybe you're right, but you don't know her. She might have wanted to help me, but the vibes I got were NOT good intensions on her part.

 

I've put up with her being a total ummm... brat as a better term for a LONG time. Did I not specify that?

 

It's not over ONE THING, it's over many things that have compiled over the years. This was just the cherry on top of the sunday.

[jcster]

I dropped her because she attacked me hardcore and she had no right to say it. It's done and over with.

 

Maybe if she said it in a way that was more like constructive criticism, then I would have given it some thought. She ATTACKED me, no one responds in a good way to something like that.

 

Have you ever heard the term "chicks before dicks?" If not, you should remember it. Guys come and go, friends are forever. There was a reason that this woman was your friend. Are you going to let it go because you didn't like the WAY that she said something? I personally think that she made a lot of sense to you and you didn't want to hear it because you're hung up on this guy. You're taking it out on her and your friendship. Take my advice and make up with her. You don't have to agree with her opinions to be her friend - and you never realize how precious friends are until they are gone.

[Star Gazer]

Have you ever heard the term "chicks before dicks?" If not, you should remember it. Guys come and go, friends are forever. There was a reason that this woman was your friend. Are you going to let it go because you didn't like the WAY that she said something? I personally think that she made a lot of sense to you and you didn't want to hear it because you're hung up on this guy. You're taking it out on her and your friendship. Take my advice and make up with her. You don't have to agree with her opinions to be her friend - and you never realize how precious friends are until they are gone.

 

 

I agree completely.

 

Trashed, in all honesty right now you sound like more of a "brat" than your best friend does. BTW - do you watch "The Hills"? If so, there's a clear anaology here.

 

All your eggs are in one basket now - with a guy who's over a thousand miles away, a guy you barely know. I'd take jcster's advice if I were you.

[Cobra_X30]

Have you ever heard the term "chicks before dicks?" If not, you should remember it. Guys come and go, friends are forever. There was a reason that this woman was your friend. Are you going to let it go because you didn't like the WAY that she said something? I personally think that she made a lot of sense to you and you didn't want to hear it because you're hung up on this guy. You're taking it out on her and your friendship. Take my advice and make up with her. You don't have to agree with her opinions to be her friend - and you never realize how precious friends are until they are gone.

 

Hey, when did they start that rule??

[LoveLace]

To me it sounds like her best friend was jealous of her happiness; I don't know why but it's an impression I get...if someone's happy it should just be left alone weather you approve of the circumstances or not, I do think it's out of line to criticize her and her relationship habits in that manner; if it's your best friend there are nicer ways to give your opinion.

[Trialbyfire]

A friendship is no different than any romantic relationship in that you set your boundaries for invasiveness. If you don't like what she has to say, tell her so. It doesn't need to be a federal case unless she's not honouring your hard boundaries.

[Trashed]

I don't appreciate being compared to those rich b***hes on MTV who I have nothing in common with. In fact, I hate that show because it gives a false impression about people from Southern California. That is beside the point though.

 

I respect your opinion Star Gazer, but certain parts like above are not appreciated. You don't know me, and judging someone like so is a taboo subject for anyone. I don't want to come off like a spoiled little brat, and I know in my heart I'm far from that. I'm a good person that truly would go to the ends of the earth for anyone, until someone crosses the line, which she has done several times in the friendship. I was very generous by letting her back into my life even after her telling me to go kill myself, I'm ugly, I'm fat, I have no friends, and the list goes on. I forgave her and recently let her back into my life 4 1/2 months before this. Take note that her behavior has been like this almost since day one. I promised myself if she did it again, she'd be cut from my life. Still think I'm wrong for doing this? I'd like to know.

 

I agree jcster about "chicks before dicks". 99.9% of the time I more than follow those rules with my best girlfriends. The thing you don't know, is that Jessa isn't a nice person. Do you know her? Nope probably not. I'm sure in someways her judgement is correct.

 

Yes, there's a hint of "desperation" with this situation. I'm desperate to get back to my home state that I was born and raised at for my whole 18 years. 5% of the reason why I'm "hung up" on this guy is for that reason. She felt I was desperate because she thinks it's for having a boyfriend; someone to cling to. That's not true at all. I really do like this guy, and so far it's a very healthy and supportive relationship. I have no doubt that this will last and become something even better. I've finally found someone that treats me with ultimate respect and someone I can be open with. Now if you found something like this, how would you handle it? Would you take the opportunity before he's snagged by someone else, or would you let it go? Think about that...

 

Getting to know someone through MySpace and the phone, the connection grows faster because you have nothing else to focus on but that person for that time being. I talk to him anywhere between 2hrs.-4hrs. a day. Usually we're on the phone. Honestly, if I thought there was nothing here, I wouldn't pursue this. That's illogical.

 

I'm sorry that I gave you guys a false impression that I'm some drama queen. I've just had it up to here with people who treat me like s**t and usually try to put me down because they have low self esteem.

 

I have many other good friends that would die for me, and vice versa. I have no issues losing a friend that hasn't been good to me since day one. That shows I'm not desperate in having people around me constantly EVEN if they were horrible to me. I can pretty much be my own friend a lot, not that I'm a loner I just rely on me and only me.

 

Once again, my apologies.

[Arizona100]

Have you talked to her and said what you thought was going on? I mean lost for lost.. You have nothing to lose and maybe you can get a friend back.

 

Maybe the chicks before dicks apply to the friend and not to Trashed?

 

Maybe she is jealous indeed, maybe not, but I'd try talking to her.

 

Relationship or friendship, we should try to make it work. Ask her, tell her whats on your mind and pick the right words she wasn't able to pick.

[jcster]

I'm sorry that I gave you guys a false impression that I'm some drama queen. I've just had it up to here with people who treat me like s**t and usually try to put me down because they have low self esteem.

 

Actually, I think you are being a HUGE drama queen. I also think that you don't like to hear that you are projecting your frustration with your living situation on a friend that took the time and energy to give you some advice - even when she knew it would make you angry.

 

You ARE desperate. Maybe you should listen to her. Or not, since it doesn't sound like you appreciate any advice that doesn't confirm your own opinions. Oh, and here's another saying you might want to learn: "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." Good luck.

[jcster]

Hey, when did they start that rule??

 

It started the day there were two women on the planet. If you've never heard of it before, you've been dating the wrong women.

[Arizona100]

I like this saying.

Jc I think they should talk, no matter what.

[Star Gazer]

Actually, I think you are being a HUGE drama queen. I also think that you don't like to hear that you are projecting your frustration with your living situation on a friend that took the time and energy to give you some advice - even when she knew it would make you angry.

 

You ARE desperate. Maybe you should listen to her. Or not, since it doesn't sound like you appreciate any advice that doesn't confirm your own opinions. Oh, and here's another saying you might want to learn: "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." Good luck.

 

I agree again!!

[LoveLace]

Not sure I understand, why'd she call you "desperate"? Because you moved far away from your boyfriend and you want to make it work? Maybe she was right about your past tendency to fall for a lot of guys or whatever....but what kind of friend calls you "psycotic" and tells you to just "give up", when instead they should try and be happy for you? Drama queens or not, I don't think I'd care to be this chick's friend either. It doesn't sound like her own life is an extremely positive one, people have a tendency to take their own misery out on others, cuz they want them to be miserable too, they are not allowed to be happier than they are know what I mean? How would she feel if you told her she was "psycotic" for staying in an abusive relationship? What if you told her she must be "desperate" to stay with a guy that beats her? The girl probably just needs some positive guidance but she won't get it by criticizing her friends this way; there is a difference between giving an opinion and flat out putting people down.

 

"chicks before dicks" is a good motto to go by, but none of my girl friends would talk to me this way. They might say "Lovelace, you should really move on and let go of this guy"....but they would never call me "psycotic" or any of those other things, if they did I would not consider them very good friends. Weather "dicks" are involved or not, there is no written law that says we have to put up with anyone's B.S. if we don't want to. Friends are supposed to be supportive. OP, have you ever criticized her for her quick marriage, etc? Or did you just keep your mouth shut, what? I can see why she might bite at you if you've been a b*tch to her in the past...it seems like you might have left some things out I don't know...

 

However OP, friends can easily remain friends even after the biggest of blow-outs. You 2 should be able to rationally tell each other how you feel without labeling each other. You should calmly be able to tell her that her support is important to you, and you'd like to hear her opinions or advice without using judgement or harsh criticism. If she's too immature to understand this then just forget her and relax. You are quite young and you have a lot learning about relationships left. Learn from your own mistakes.

[alrightstill]

Absolutely agree with LoveLace there, unless you've also displayed a similar attitude and said similar things to her like "her telling me to go kill myself, I'm ugly, I'm fat, I have no friends, and the list goes on", you shouldn't have to put up with it. I know because I'd been in a similar situation before; someone whom I thought was my best friend, who constantly told me to "get a boyfriend and lose your virginity already", after I'd finally went out with a potential bf for more than 3 dates, and when he canceled one date with me she seems hell bent on persuading me that it's not going to work out. She actually said, "If you get your heart broken by this guy don't come crying to me". I seem to still remember her near nervous breakdown when her ex broke up with her, and I was there for her. She was starting a new relationship with someone in another town, who promised to come see her but canceled last minute, and what did she do? She grabbed me on a 3 hr long drive so she could see him that night. I did not once tell her that she's too desperate, or the guy she was seeing has an 100% failure rate, I was genuinely happy to see her being happy with someone new, even if deep down we all knew he's unlikely to be the one who will put a ring on her finger. It was over something else much more significant that made me decide to cut her out of my life, but I can honestly say that I am better for it now. Anyway, just to let you know you're not alone But why is this under Dating anyway? Haha.