unhappybunny Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I have been married for 28 years and have a 14 year old son. I have left my husband once 20 years ago but came back because of his promises to change. He is extremely moody, foul mouthed, drinks, shouts, dominating, controlling and aggressive. He was a perfect husband for a few years after I came back and we had our son. As my son has grown older their relationship (and ours) has become really unbearable. He is evil to our son and this always ends up with us rowing. He is evil to me but I always end up being talked round to make friends and expected to forgive. My son recently spent over 18 months building a downhill bike. It cost him £3,000 he used all his birthday money, christmas money, spending money and wages (he has two paper rounds and a saturday job) and following an argument which blew up over nothing where my husband tried to beat my son we left and went to my parents. At midnight that same night my husband came round and using a petrol driven stihl saw proceeded to saw my son's bike into around 20 pieces making not one bit of it salvagable. He was arrested for this and is currently on bail and is not to come anywhere near my parents house where my son and I live. We have just secured a lovely rented apartment for us and are moving in around 1 month. My husband will not leave me alone. He constantly texts me, rings me at work, leaves messages on my answerphone, follows me to work in his car and cries on his knees and begs me to come back saying he will finally change and knows he is an idiot, we are the best and only things in his life, he will kill himself if we don't go back etc etc. I have tried to explain to him that I still love him but just can't live with him. I can't deal with the emotional turnmoil and upset and stress that living with him brings. I have high blood pressure and since leaving my husband it has dropped by 30 to normal. Quite clearly this was the major cause. I cannot throw him out of our home as he has nowhere else to go and am quite happy to let him stay there for a while and have helped him to amend all the direct debits to his name (as everything was taken from my bank and we lived on his money) and sometimes he asks if we can still be friends, which I would love to be, but then the next time he sees me he clings on crying and asking when I am coming back. I can't get him to understand that I am not. He is unaware of my new apartment and said last night when I met him to pick up some uniform for my son " All I need now is to hear that you have another house and I will kill myself". None of our conversations are about how I am feeling or my son and what I or my son want to do, its all about his feelings and how he can't cope without us. Its tearing me apart. I do love him but I cannot go back to him and live the life I had before. I cannot believe he will change, he has tried twice before and failed both times. why should I believe it will be any different this time? Our son will not speak to his father and this is upsetting his father too, but who can blame him after what he did. I darent turn on my mobile in case its yet another text begging me to go round to see him. I want him just to leave me alone for a while and let me get my head together, I have lost half a stone in 4 weeks, can't sleep, can't work properly and just want to be left alone to get mine and my son's life together. I will see his father as a friend and go out with him, a friend of ours has recently moved out from her husband and they have tea together once a week and go for a drink at weekends and its OK, he still wants her back but doesn't pressure her as he says its what she wants. I wish my husband woudl see things the same. What on earth can I do, its driving me insane?
curiousnycgirl Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Why do you love this guy? He is an abusive, manipulative, self centered child! Or is it perhaps a 20 year habit that you need to break! Good for you for moving out - even better for your son. You have a responsibility to him to not allow him to be abused, and not let him learn that his father's behaviour is acceptable.. I would change my mobile number and get a full out restraining order prohibiting him from any contact with either you or your son. It is possible in the future that this be lifted, but for now I think you are best going complete no contact. If you must communicate, do it through attorneys! I cannot begin to imagine how hard it is to do what you've done - you are so brave! I am sure there will be moments that you want to cave in - but please don't! You and your son deserve so much more! Oh and btw sue his ass for the cost of that bike!
riobikini Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 re: UB: " I have tried to explain to him that I still love him but just can't live with him." My take on this is that you are probably more *influenced* by your familiarity with him rather than you love this guy. You feel *sorry* for him. You *know* him -his tendancies and behavior like the back of your hand. You are *used* to him -good or evil, he's always been around. Those things can fool you into thinking that it's love you feel. Step way back and realize exactly what you're feeling -and why you're feeling it. And -for God's sake- consider the life your son has had to live growing up with this man -and what kind of cruelty it would be to make him continue to have to live in the same house with him. Deeply consider it. And I think -if you do- you'll have little problem in doing whatever it takes in cutting the ties. -Rio
LakesideDream Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 First thing I would do would be to tell your H that he will need to replace the young man's project before you consider any other interaction. His destructive behavior was outragious as was his goal of hurting you through the child. Personally I cannot see the upside of living with a brute like him. Preying on the weak is pitiful.
tinke Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 i believe if a single woman/man chooses to endure abuse in a relationship..well, so be it, it is their choice. however...when children are present, or anyone dependent for your care (elderly), you no longer have the freedom of choice to continue in an unhealthy, abusive, threatening relationship. there is a child here, who is unable to escape, who is solely dependent on your protection, ability to shelter him from harm, and to make healthy decisions. you are setting an example for your son of what will mold his future....
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