Stupid friends. It's not a compliment!!

[oppath]

I've moved back to SoCal, and in the process of seeing old friends, they bring up my ex.

 

We had a RELATIONSHIP, one where love was expressed on both sides. She emailed me 1.5 weeks after the breakup, asking me if I wanted to be friends with benefits, in RESPONSE to me saying "I can't be your friend right now, it is too painful for me, I need time and space to heal. Please give me a couple months. If I feel no anger AND no attraction or desire, I will seek you out for a friendship, but it's not something I can do right now."

 

Some of my friends say "you should have taken it as a compliment. It means you were good in bed, and that you satisfied her sexually, so at least you don't have to wonder if that was a reason for the breakup."

 

This makes me snicker. If I reverse the gender roles, I can't imagine saying to a girl "it's a compliment he still wants to have sex with you after he broke up with you. It means he thinks you are good in bed, so at least you know he didn't dump you because the sex wasn't satisfying."

 

There is no compliment there. I know my friends try to help, but I no longer bring her up to them. I do not seek advice, it is in the past. But then they go and bring it up, and unsolicited, say it was a compliment. It makes me think about the relationship. Stupid friends . I'm dating someone new, someone I am quite hopeful about. I don't like them bringing up my ex. I want them to say "who is the new girl? What is she like?**" I want them to say "your ex was a psycho hose beast; tell me about this new girl, she sounds so much better. I'm happy for you."

 

(**What is the new girl like? She is awesome. I feel an intense passion with her but also a familial and platonic connection. Yes, she is beautiful and smart and successful and sweet, but what attracts me to her is the way she skips downs the sidewalk and grasps me asking for 5 more minutes when the alarm goes off. There is something very comforting with her. She is there for me. I can express my feelings with her and it doesn't feel too much too soon. she can tell me she misses me and it doesn't freak me out. Dating someone a month, those things would always freak me out so soon in the past. Maybe it is because I've known her for two years on the fringe. I feel like I can get very close to her, though we are not yet, but the feeling is that she could become my best friend as much as my lover. In past relationships, lover always trumped the friendship aspect.)

[jcster]

I know my friends try to help, but I no longer bring her up to them. I do not seek advice, it is in the past. But then they go and bring it up, and unsolicited, say it was a compliment. It makes me think about the relationship. Stupid friends .

 

Ya know what? You should tell them that. You don't have to get angry with them, but it might be that they don't have enough experience to know how you feel. They might not get what you are trying to say, but at least you won't have to deal with so many hurtful "helpful" comments.

 

I feel like I can get very close to her, though we are not yet, but the feeling is that she could become my best friend as much as my lover. In past relationships, lover always trumped the friendship aspect.)

 

That's awesome. That's the secret to the long term relationship. Friendship will get you through times that love can't. It's the perfect combo, congrats.

[wreckedhorse]

jcster, i love the hedgehog icon.

 

yeah tell your friends what you need/don't need. then there won't be this problem anymore be straightforward.

 

and the new relationship sounds great.

all the best.

[Lyssa]

hey Oppath.. just like Jcster said... you should tell your friends how you feel about them bringing your ex all the time. You have a new girl now, concentrate on that and make it the best you can... Enjoy it, mate!