RandomUserName123 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I think I got myself into a weird situation here. I'd be very grateful for any advice you guys can provide. So, after one year of not dating anyone... and that's not a simple thing. Think about 365 DAYS of not getting a single date. (was trying to let it come naturally, and got rejected in the process like 4 or 5 times) basically after all this, I met that girl, which I didn't find very attractive, but we started getting closer and closer anyway. She was the one who asked me out. We went on 4 or 5 dates. Now I know this will sound cruel, but I was flirting openly with her, playing my role pretty well. Yesterday, we had our first kiss. This was the moment I started to realize something was wrong. I really don't feel attracted to her. It actually felt difficult to kiss her. I actually tried to prevent this from happening. I know I was a bad person I started going out on dates with her without being attracted to her. I really felt terrible when she started opening up about her feelings. My only excuse which is terrible is that I couldn't get dates with any of the ones I actually liked. I know I am probably not a catch as I used to think. Trust me, it took me 365 days of thinking to realize this. Sometimes I think maybe this is the best I can get? Did anyone feel this? Anyway, enough of this rants. I really don't know what I should be doing. Should I continue getting into this relationship? We started openly talking about having sex next time we meet. (the talk wasn't THAT direct of course). Can a relationship work if the guy is not attracted? Was anyone else in this position before? Can anyone give me a peek into what to expect next? I'd really like to get input from guys who were in the same situation. Hopefully, there'd be no girls who had to go through this, but I'd like to get input from girls as well.. Thanks a lot. I really appreciate your help
ls707 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I think I got myself into a weird situation here. I'd be very grateful for any advice you guys can provide. So, after one year of not dating anyone... and that's not a simple thing. Think about 365 DAYS of not getting a single date. (was trying to let it come naturally, and got rejected in the process like 4 or 5 times) basically after all this, I met that girl, which I didn't find very attractive, but we started getting closer and closer anyway. She was the one who asked me out. We went on 4 or 5 dates. Now I know this will sound cruel, but I was flirting openly with her, playing my role pretty well. Yesterday, we had our first kiss. This was the moment I started to realize something was wrong. I really don't feel attracted to her. It actually felt difficult to kiss her. I actually tried to prevent this from happening. I know I was a bad person I started going out on dates with her without being attracted to her. I really felt terrible when she started opening up about her feelings. My only excuse which is terrible is that I couldn't get dates with any of the ones I actually liked. I know I am probably not a catch as I used to think. Trust me, it took me 365 days of thinking to realize this. Sometimes I think maybe this is the best I can get? Did anyone feel this? Anyway, enough of this rants. I really don't know what I should be doing. Should I continue getting into this relationship? We started openly talking about having sex next time we meet. (the talk wasn't THAT direct of course). Can a relationship work if the guy is not attracted? Was anyone else in this position before? Can anyone give me a peek into what to expect next? I'd really like to get input from guys who were in the same situation. Hopefully, there'd be no girls who had to go through this, but I'd like to get input from girls as well.. Thanks a lot. I really appreciate your help ln a way i feel like your using her as a fall back cushion which is really not right. Yes i have been in this situation, but i didnt let it go to the extent you have. I had a girl who was interested in me a while back whom i wasnt attracted to, she was sorta flirting with the idea of us becoming a couple so on and so forth, but seriously i had no intention of it going beyond the friendship phase. So I remained honest to what I was feeling and explained it to her. Honesty is the best policy right? In my mind i didnt want to lead her on, cuz i would be hurting a persons feelings; and to me that was not the right thing to do. We had a talk few days later and we discussed my feelings towards the whole thing, she got the point, we are still friends
Author RandomUserName123 Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 Thanks, I really appreciate your honest reply. I think you are mostly right. Deep inside though I was thinking maybe I will become attracted to her more as time passes by (which sort of started happening for a while, maybe I was deceiving myself?). Is it possible for attraction to be born later if it wasn't there from the beginning? Or does it have to be there from the first moment?
Yamaha Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Sometimes I think maybe this is the best I can get? Attraction can build if your open to it but because of your above statement you are playing her and going to hurt her feelings. It is wrong to lead someone on when you feel your better than them. Put yourself in her position and think how you would feel if a women did it to you. You need to stop it now and let her find someone that can/will appreciate her.
orangepanda31 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I can't say that I was in your position... but I was recently with someone that i wasn't too attracted to... it started off kind of like your relationship did... but i was friends with the girl for a while before we started fooling around... i think it happened because I liked her for a while... but i noticed soon after we started kissing and holding eachother that i wasn't terribly attracted to her... so after thinking it over and over and over... i finally told her that it wouldn't work out... I think this saved a lot of heartache on both our sides...so think about what you are going to do... I think once you realize you aren't so attracted to the other person, it'll be difficult to "become" attracted as time goes on
orangepanda31 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 sorry everyone!! thats going to sound soo superficial, and make me look like a jerk.... but attraction is a part of a relationship, right??... what do you think??
jcster Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Can a relationship work if the guy is not attracted? In my experience, no, it won't work. I give you credit for realizing your motives and for giving it a try. But it's time to be honest and stop now.
chimuffin Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I think that if it isn't there for you that there is simply no reason to keep seeing her. Its not fair to you or HER.
fray718 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 maybe its diff for guys, but for me (im a girl) i dated this one guy and when he kissed me on the second date i got grossed out. But after the third date, somehow i found him very attractive....he grew on me, didnt think it would happen but it did
wreckedhorse Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 are you not attracted because she does not meet your expectations/at the same time are those expectations realistic or part of a fantasy/at the same time how much pressure are you putting on yourself to find the one? sometimes approaching and entering things with anxieties and a lot of pressure will prevent us from being open to such possibilities. but at the end of the day, if you're not attracted and it feels wrong, then it feels wrong. but my roommate is going through something similar. she's been dating this guy this summer. for the first two months she was like eh, i'm not really attracted to him. i need someone FUNNY, looks don't matter to me. and to her, he was not funny. but after getting to know him, she found out that his humour is dry and that he's totally sweet. now she actually likes him, to her surprise. she was putting a lot of pressure on herself to find mr. right and have kids and etc. and mr. right was this type of funny and this anxiety was causing her to want to rush to a decision! he's not my type, or vision, so no! this can't be it! i must hurry and move on before it's too late. but this is still new, who knows how it may turn out. i should also mention that her friends (men and women) met him and they were like, what is wrong with you?! so she had encouragement to pursue something further. at least for a little while. so a question for you may be is how is this girl not meeting your expectations? is it that she picks her teeth in public or that she is a b c and d? best of luck!
birdie Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Hi Random, I think maybe it's your approach that's wrong. you say you've been trying to date for the last year, you asked 4-5 girls out but they said no and now you think you should settle for somebody 'less attractive'. Maybe you should work out a way to meet women in a more relaxed way? Perhaps take up interests where you meet them naturally, you get to know them, they get to know you and build relationships that way? Formal dating is not for everyone, I personally can't stand it and have only been about 4 dates in my entire life. I prefer to get to know a guy more or less as a friend and see how it goes from there.
BlueEyedGirl Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Pretty much every relationship I have been in was with men I wasn't attracted to. It was pure torture and I'm holding out now for someone I will feel a spark with. Most likely I will be single forever but it's better than the alternative.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Can a relationship work if the guy is not attracted? Was anyone else in this position before? Can anyone give me a peek into what to expect next? You need to figure out what part of this girl is unattractive to you? Personality? Face? Fat? Teeth? Hair? Clothes? I say this because it can work if you find out what is unnattractive to you and tackle that head on! Otherwise.... just like everyone else says... throw in the towel before someone gets hurt.
disgracian Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I met that girl, which I didn't find very attractive, but we started getting closer and closer anyway. In what sense have you become closer to her? Is this perhaps more significant than surface appearances? Looks will fade, but personality lasts a lifetime. Sometimes I think maybe this is the best I can get? Is physical appearance your only metric here? Do you really think that can sustain a relationship? I apologise in advance if you are not referring to attraction on merely the physical level, but it seems as though you are. I really don't know what I should be doing. Should I continue getting into this relationship? That depends on a lot of things. Certainly if all you're looking for is somebody who looks good and this girl doesn't fit your criteria then you're both on a hiding to nothing and you should seek a tactful exit strategy. It won't work if you're pretending and your heart isn't in it, simple as that. Cheers, D.
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