Snagbag Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 My MM had told me that his marriage/ roommate situation is coming to a head. I understand this to be a common MM thing. Keep the girlfriend around by saying the marriage is over, yada, yada, yada. Well, it is all lawyers and money now. I never thought he would ACTUALLY get divorced. I'm kind of scared because I now feel like he left her for me. I know that is not the case, but still. As if our relationship has a million expectations on it. I want him to get divorced and I want to be with him. I just never knew that there was going to be so many scary feelings to go along with it.
whichwayisup Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Even if he signs the papers, this doesn't guarantee you a thing. All you have is time. Time to let him deal with the loss of his marriage and family. To be alone for a while..People can't just jump out of a marriage and boom - Right into another relationship and start a whole new life.
RealityCheck Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Even if he signs the papers, this doesn't guarantee you a thing. All you have is time. Time to let him deal with the loss of his marriage and family. To be alone for a while..People can't just jump out of a marriage and boom - Right into another relationship and start a whole new life. This is very sound advice. The actual divorce proceedings is a whole other ball game. Supporting him is one thing, carrying his "stuff" baggage is another. It would be beneficial for you and him to remain in separate dwellings until there has been a ruling of the Court. Divorce is nasty no matter who does the leaving and emotions run high! You do not need to be in that cross fire and carry the burden. It's not yours to carry.
FiveAlarmJockey Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 My MM had told me that his marriage/ roommate situation is coming to a head. I understand this to be a common MM thing. Keep the girlfriend around by saying the marriage is over, yada, yada, yada. Well, it is all lawyers and money now. I never thought he would ACTUALLY get divorced. I'm kind of scared because I now feel like he left her for me. I know that is not the case, but still. As if our relationship has a million expectations on it. I want him to get divorced and I want to be with him. I just never knew that there was going to be so many scary feelings to go along with it. I am just glad to hear that it really does happen. A MM can "Acually" get a divorce!! WOW! I agree with WWIU and RC... You guys are very knowledgeable.
bish Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I want him to get divorced and I want to be with him. I just never knew that there was going to be so many scary feelings to go along with it. Ah don't worry about it...you will be fine. Another family destroyed....you should be happy.
Author Snagbag Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 Ah don't worry about it...you will be fine. Another family destroyed....you should be happy. Wow..what a bitchy comment. Actually, when he told me, all I could do was ask him if they had exhausted all of their options. I wasn't happy or feeling like I'd won or anything like that. I want my MM to be happy. AND if staying in his marriage was the best thing, so be it. They have a son, and I know that child is his life. Like so many OW, I don't ask about his wife. I knew there were problems. Duh, or I wouldn't be here. This is some weird water I am treading. I'm scared (I have big time commitment issues....even before this A). I want to hold him and give him the world. I also want to just be devoid of this whole situation. I am one of those people who realizes that after a year or so, the chemicals wear off.
smoochygirl Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 My MM had told me that his marriage/ roommate situation is coming to a head. I understand this to be a common MM thing. Keep the girlfriend around by saying the marriage is over, yada, yada, yada. Well, it is all lawyers and money now. I never thought he would ACTUALLY get divorced. I'm kind of scared because I now feel like he left her for me. I know that is not the case, but still. As if our relationship has a million expectations on it. I want him to get divorced and I want to be with him. I just never knew that there was going to be so many scary feelings to go along with it. Well good for both of you, You will finally leave your place as an OW, who knows maybe you will be his NEW wife now. Just watch his back because he might stray, Most married man that stray find a women who will occupy the position. They will grab the easier target anyway they can. Congrats.
herenow Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Thank you for this post. This is proof that if a MM wants to leave a marriage for whatever reason, he will. The fact that his child is his life and he got a divorce shows that you can be a good parent and still get divorced because the marriage didn't work. This is reality and it does happen all the time.
Author Snagbag Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 Well good for both of you, You will finally leave your place as an OW, who knows maybe you will be his NEW wife now. Just watch his back because he might stray, Most married man that stray find a women who will occupy the position. They will grab the easier target anyway they can. Congrats. No, Smoochygirl. I don't want to be his new wife. I wish that the people that responded to these posts lived in reality and understood that life isn't so cut and dry. What is hard to grasp is that the heart wants what is wants. The brain can do its best to try to override the situation, but the heart wins out. Every time. Call it an excuse. Call it what you want. Don't turn on the radio, though. Because when you do, a song about the pain of love is going to be on. I don't want to be the OW. I want people to know we are together. I miss him and I love him and he scares the **** out of me. I want him to be happy and I want to be happy, too. I've told him that there will be an ending. And there will be. I've always stuck to that. I'm doubting myself now that he is telling me his marriage is done.
MeMyself Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Please, Please, Please... don't break out the champagne just yet. My MM was separated, living separately for 2 years. The divorce was well on the way, but kept getting delayed because of custody issues... Everyone knew they were getting divorced, everyone knew of us as a couple. For two years and then he decided he couldn't go through with it, he didn't want to be a part time dad. I was completely blindsided.. It's just never a sure thing...
herenow Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 SB, I'm trying to understand the problem here. Are you saying that now that he is a free man, you may not want him? I would think that this would be a perfect time to start dating and to slowly form an open relationship to see if what you have can last. I'm lost as to why you think the people who have answered this thread are not in reality.
smoochygirl Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 No, Smoochygirl. I don't want to be his new wife. I wish that the people that responded to these posts lived in reality and understood that life isn't so cut and dry. What is hard to grasp is that the heart wants what is wants. The brain can do its best to try to override the situation, but the heart wins out. Every time. Call it an excuse. Call it what you want. Don't turn on the radio, though. Because when you do, a song about the pain of love is going to be on. I don't want to be the OW. I want people to know we are together. I miss him and I love him and he scares the **** out of me. I want him to be happy and I want to be happy, too. I've told him that there will be an ending. And there will be. I've always stuck to that. I'm doubting myself now that he is telling me his marriage is done. I don't mean anything bad in my comment. I am actually glad he is finally leaving his M. It is frustrating to play hide and seek. I wish you luck and hope that you will be good to his kids as well if any. And his STBXW will find an answer to everything after this D. Keep us posted:-)
herenow Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I don't mean anything bad in my comment. I am actually glad he is finally leaving his M. It is frustrating to play hide and seek. I wish you luck and hope that you will be good to his kids as well if any. And his STBXW will find an answer to everything after this D. Keep us posted:-) I agree. He did the right thing by leaving his marriage. That gives all three of you the opportunity to move on and find true love. Nothing wrong with that.
Author Snagbag Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 Who is busting out Champagne? Not me, that is for sure. My situation is that I always thought this was an affair...and just that. It was going to have an ending. Because he would never get divorced. And here he is now getting divorced.
herenow Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Who is busting out Champagne? Not me, that is for sure. My situation is that I always thought this was an affair...and just that. It was going to have an ending. Because he would never get divorced. And here he is now getting divorced. But you said that he got divorced because his marriage wasn't working. If he didn't leave for you, then you should be honest with him. He may even be relieved. He's probably not ready to jump into anything serious anyway.
PoshPrincess Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 At the end of the day, SnagBag, whether he is leaving for you or not is irrelevant so I don't think you should feel bad whatever you decide to do. If he IS getting Dd, for whatever reason, then it is because there is something wrong with his M. Ok, it's tough beyond belief for his W (if she doesn't want the M to end) but you could think of it like you have done him a favour and given him the courage to do what he has probably wanted to do for a long time. Some people can only leave a R when they have someone else to go to. Maybe he is one of them. You say you thought it was 'just an A'. Has he ever told you he loved you or wanted to leave to be with you? I'm just interested as when I first started seeing exMM I assumed it would be nothing more than a fling - until the dreaded 'L' word was mentioned!
RealityCheck Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Who is busting out Champagne? Not me, that is for sure. My situation is that I always thought this was an affair...and just that. It was going to have an ending. Because he would never get divorced. And here he is now getting divorced. I can relate! Your situation sounds very similiar to mine way back when. The xMM left his marriage simply because he was not happy and wasn't happy for years. He did not leave because of me. When he was in process of separation he would bring up the idea of co-habitating. YIKES! That put a whole new spin on things. I never allowed the xMM to even peek at my kids during the A and now he was talking about moving in together! NOT! Anyway I shut everything down. SB, I do understand what you are saying. So many scenerios play out in an A and everyones needs are different or become different.
IpAncA Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 And here he is now getting divorced. Still doesn't mean anything. I'd wait and see what happends after he does. He might end it with you once he's on his own. But I don't know him so who knows. It's not unheard of for the MM to end up with the OW. I don't want to be his new wife. So you just want to be his girlfriend?
frannie Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 My MM had told me that his marriage/ roommate situation is coming to a head. I understand this to be a common MM thing. Keep the girlfriend around by saying the marriage is over, yada, yada, yada. I'm scared (I have big time commitment issues....even before this A). I want to hold him and give him the world. I also want to just be devoid of this whole situation. I am one of those people who realizes that after a year or so, the chemicals wear off. I've told him that there will be an ending. And there will be. I've always stuck to that. I'm doubting myself now that he is telling me his marriage is done.... It was going to have an ending. Because he would never get divorced. And here he is now getting divorced. Hmmmmmm... how long have you known him? You told him it was going to be over, and then he's suddenly seeing lawyers..? Do you know that for a fact..? (and in any case seeing a lawyer is no guarantee of anything, mine did the same ). Was he getting a divorce anyway irrespective of you coming along..? Either he's doing what you said... leading you on because you said you were going to end it. OR he was already out of the door, in which case you're neither here nor there in the situation (or shouldn't be at least). Here's a simple answer: just tell him how you feel. IF you tell him that you have huge commitment problems, you don't want to be his wife, and you are of the opinion that it's all chemicals and they wear off, etc. etc. then you should give him sufficient reasons to drop you from any future plans he may have. Hence, you needn't fret yourself and be consumed with guilt.
whichwayisup Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Wow..what a bitchy comment. Actually, when he told me, all I could do was ask him if they had exhausted all of their options. I wasn't happy or feeling like I'd won or anything like that. I want my MM to be happy. AND if staying in his marriage was the best thing, so be it. They have a son, and I know that child is his life. Like so many OW, I don't ask about his wife. I knew there were problems. Duh, or I wouldn't be here. This is some weird water I am treading. I'm scared (I have big time commitment issues....even before this A). I want to hold him and give him the world. I also want to just be devoid of this whole situation. I am one of those people who realizes that after a year or so, the chemicals wear off. You should be scared. He is ending his marriage, getting a divorce to be with YOU. Your relationship with him has all been based on good feelings of the affair. You haven't lived with him, you don't know the ups and downs, if you can handle the daily stresses...Dealing with his family, his parents, meeting all his friends, becoming a part of his life in every way. IT will be a real test of your love together...So yeah, you should be scared. He's giving up alot and because of that HE might need time alone to deal with that. Don't have high expectations of everything falling into place so nicely and quickly... I want him to get divorced and I want to be with him This is why bish said what he said. And, it's also another reason (as I mentioned above too) to take things SLOWLY. Question - Could you and DO you trust him 100% NOT to cheat on you in the future? He has proven that he can and DID cheat on his wife, the woman who he said vows to infront of their family and friends...The woman he created children with, built a life with... I honestly just don't know how you or anyone else could fully trust a man (or a woman) who is about to give up SOoooo much, end a marriage and be with another person. That's alot of pressure.
whichwayisup Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I don't want to be his new wife. Why not? Then why is he giving up his wife, his life as he knows it to be with you??? If you have no plans on marrying him and living with him, building a life with him - why bother?
PoshPrincess Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I honestly just don't know how you or anyone else could fully trust a man (or a woman) who is about to give up SOoooo much, end a marriage and be with another person. That's alot of pressure. Because if you really love someone then you HAVE to trust them, otherwise what's the point in being with them? Maybe, in this case, his W wasn't the right person for him, or that they've just grown apart for whatever reasons. It happens. I personally would always have it in the back of my mind (if I was with an MM) that he may cheat on me, as he's done before, but isn't that the same as a BS might feel? Particularly for those WSs who have strayed more than once. If you decide to be with someone, whether they be your MM or WS, then you have to trust them. Be on your guard, of course, but only as much as anyone else would be who hadn't been part of an EMA.
RealityCheck Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Why not? Then why is he giving up his wife, his life as he knows it to be with you??? If you have no plans on marrying him and living with him, building a life with him - why bother? This is not always necessarily true. The MM can very well be unhappy and the OW not the cause of the unhappiness in the marriage. I don't feel I gave up anything when I walked out of my marriage . I'll tell you what I did gain, was a sense of happiness and I truly felt like I crawled out from underneath a rock. I am not in agreement of cheating in the M, I do feel if someone is unhappy it is best to leave rather than complicate the issue by having an A.
bish Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Wow..what a bitchy comment. If the truth comes off as bitchy....so be it. Like so many OW, I don't ask about his wife. I knew there were problems. Duh, or I wouldn't be here. If there are problems then why doesn't he leave? And if you know there are problems, then I guess you feel its your job to satisfy a married man. Sounds like a vulture to me. This is some weird water I am treading. I'm scared (I have big time commitment issues....even before this A). You have committment issues, so you feel the need to mess with someone elses committment. Ya I know...the MM is more to blame. But homewrecking and marriage busting wouldn't go on if there weren't OM/OW who felt justified in sleeping with other people's spouses. If the marriage was to fail anyway, then fine...let it fail. But I think most of the time it is due to a MM/MW just wanting attention from someone other than the same old person they have been with for years...they then think its love because its exciting, and they may or may not bust their marriage or destroy their family over it...but they sure as hell shouldn't have someone in the wings influencing them. I want to hold him and give him the world. I also want to just be devoid of this whole situation. I am one of those people who realizes that after a year or so, the chemicals wear off. ???? uh...ok. So you know the "chemicals" wear off. So that means you both are willing to destroy a family for temporary gratification. Ya ya ya...I know..you think its love and so does he.
Recommended Posts