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Posted

I am sorry you are going through this as well, it is the worse thing in the world. All I know is that one day the truth will come out it always does no matter what. It is just like kids that take your car at night or sneak a beer, you always find out. Do I really want to know YES. I will have to leave him then because incest is not only against the law, but the most disgusting thing on the planet. I know they did not grow up together, BUT they KNOW they have the same dad, they look alike for god sake.

 

I have my good and bad days, but I am a strong woman and will make it one way or another. The only thing that you and I have is that WE are not the ones that have to live the lie everyday. they do and one day of not now, it will eat a hole right through them. You see THEY cannot go to these people, they are blood and cannot be together. So, you and I at the end of the day win, but all the same loose......hang in there and TRY not to think about it. It has been almost a year and it is always on my mind, but not as bad now. I can sleep, eat and work.....so that is a start !

Posted

Plano,

 

You have every right to want to know every detail. When this happens, the info drips out. Drip... drip...drip... They do this out of guilt/shame, and they also do it to spin it so it doesn't sound as bad as it is. The scary part is that you'll be wondering if and when you have ALL of the details, and mix in the new found mistrust and you'll come to the conclusion you may never know. It's been 16 days since my wife started leaking the details out and I'm not convinced she's done. Keep hammering her. Don't stop until you're satisfied, or I don't think you can move on. I think either it all eventually adds up or it doesn't.

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Posted

As I have said before my wife kept everything from her past, written and otherwise. Since reading everything I can find I am starting to understand more about the woman I married. I'm not saying it's all bad but there seems to be some patterns that are followed. As I said before she is not the woman I thought I was marrying in some ways. That's a hell of a thing to find out after 26 yrs. As of June 21st this year I can piece together what happened based on facts and some things I have found. I don't think she will ever tell me all the story. As you said things keep dripping out. The problem is you will keep wondering what the truth is. How long will it take to trust again if ever. Anytime I bring up anything about the affair she always seems so surprised that I am bringing it up. This should all be over if it was up to her. I have weeks where I don't think about it much then I have times when I am cosumed with it. I can promise you there won't be a day go by that you won't think about it. I feel as if I have let her get by with something. I can't stop thinking that way.

Posted

I feel as if I have let her get by with something. I can't stop thinking that way.

 

***********

That's because it doesn't add up, does it? Our instincts our rarely wrong once these events start to unfold.

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Posted

The thing is I don't know what I want from her. She has told me she is sorry, she has made me feel like a king over and over and she has professed her love to me. It doesn't make it any better. I can't stop looking for more bad news. I'm obsessed with finding more, my gut hasn't been wrong very often in this whole event. I also feel sure he is going to contact her again. They sometimes went years without contact but always ended up conversing some way. So finding this out 26 yrs later has been the biggest hurt of all. Alot of the questions I have asked her have gotten "I don't know" answers. One therapist wrote that answering I don't know is not an adult answer and only leads to more distrust. I agree

Posted

Stop playing the victim, stop rolling over and piddling. Don't take 'I don't know' as an answer from her. Read the book 'Love must be tough'. She hasn't respected you nor is she now, because you are not commanding it. Apparently she doesn't see the value of her marriage to you by the way she is acting. An immature teenager does just that, ignore or push aside the problem. 'If I can't see it or don't talk about it then it must have gone away'. That is the type of attitude she has right now.

 

Be willing to end this marriage if you don't then you will always be wondering about what she has not told you. Be willing to go the distance and command the respect that you deserve from her. If she loves and respects you enough then she will come clean. There is no 'one talk' when it comes to this. She should be willing to come clean with all the questions you have for her at anytime, any place.

 

If she refuses to goto marriage counseling then IMO for you to keep your sanity you have to be willing to tell her to leave. You invested alot of years into her, don't waste another second on someone who doesn't respect you.

 

What she was saying about your ex is a defense mechanism, a way to relieve her guilt. Something else has gone on here. Let this guy come to your house, tell him to bring all the letters she has sent him as well. That's the only way you will get the truth.

Posted

"I don't know" means "I don't want to know because I don't want to think about it, and I surely don't want you to know." Your wife needs serious couseling. And she needs to recognize why you need the whole truth. I'm having this problem myself with my wife right now. It's hard to start rebuilding without being able to build it on truth. It's the first step towards trust. This has to be done together and if both parties aren't being honest with each other and themselves, it's not going to work. The therapy can help her face the truth.

***********

Also, I'm only 38. I can't even imagine what's going through your head right now after 26yrs together.

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Posted

Of all the people I have talked to about this...my mother in law told me I have always allowed her daughter to push me around. She said her and other family members have talked about this. I have three children to factor into my decisions even if some people don't agree with that. We don't fight in front of them in fact it is quite the opposite. The men on my side of the family or known to be easy going and let alot go by without acting on things and maybe we can be seen as pushovers. I just want things to be like they were and they probably never will now.

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Posted

I know she needs counseling and so does she.....but I don't think it will happen. She came from a broken family and says she doesn't want to relive all that.

Posted

I hate to say this, and I understand the 26yrs and the investment you have here, but I'm with jmargel. If she won't go to counseling, then your marriage issues will never be resolved. You've got some big decions ahead of you. We all, as human beings, deserve to try and keep ourselves happy, healthy and respected. You know this or you wouldn't be here. 26 more years of doubt and drip...drip...drip? Not fair to you brother.

Posted

PLANO, you are sitting there waiting for the so called " other shoe to drop". I know how you feel....someone sent me this and it has helped a lot....read it and tell me what you get from it :) We are in this together, al ot of us as you see !

 

www.medicinenet.com

 

Look up the Romantic Jealousy article !

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Posted

My attitude has changed dramatically in the last few months. I would like to think my days of cowing down to my wife are over. I was self employed for years and didn't exactly make a stellar living when she was making good money. I lost a little self respect. But things have changed.

Posted

Einstein said it best 'Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results'.

 

In other words, don't expect her to change or things to change unless you start doing some things different. Quit being a pushover, being a pushover allows her to not respect you.

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Posted

You have really opened my eyes. Thanks

  • 1 month later...
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Posted

Have used alot of the advise given to me here. One thing is I don't get pushed around like I used to. My wife commented that I was getting fiesty in my old age and I replied that I wasn't going to put up with her bitching and ordering me around anymore. You see from her perspective nothing has changed. She is back saying that it all started with revenge against me for dancing with a lady at a party. One dance can sure create a big mess.......lol. She has not spoken of the affair once. I have brought it up and we have discussed some things. I am still checking her phone and email accounts but just like today I called home and the phone was busy, so when I did get ahold of her I said were you talking to your mother earlier and she said no and said she had to go get our daughter ready for the bus. So there goes my little mind wandering. It has gotten better with time, I guess you just get numb or quit thinking about it. But I don't think he is done....he is a man in love. If he hasn't contacted her by now he will. I guess I am kind of rambling but it does me good to talk about it some.

Posted
But I don't think he is done....he is a man in love. If he hasn't contacted her by now he will.

 

Hi there.

I didn't read all the posts in this thread, but I think I get the gist.

 

Glad things are more back on track for you, and that you're being more assertive :).

 

Again - I haven't read the full story but am wondering how your wife feels about the possibility that he'll contact her again? And if it's possible that she'd like you to offer to be the spokesperson for the two of you, and tell him to leave her the %$&^ alone?

 

Cos the one thing that kinda sits in the back of my mind is that my now-ex never once came out to say, "Look, if this guy is bothering you, I'll hire a freakin' army if I have to." (Does that make sense?)

 

A friend's hubby said, "I'll take his head off with a baseball bat" (not that I'm advocating violence, mind you) - and she really appreciated the sentiment - it really hit home how important she was to him perhaps especially because he really is the mildest-mannered, most non-violent guy one could ever hope to meet.

 

***Please ignore if none of this is relevant to your current situation***

 

Wishing you ever-more joy and happiness in your marriage.

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Posted

Have had one conversation with OM. I was a little upset at the time and he thought I was my wife calling him. Kind of funny at first him stammering and stuttering around. I didn't threaten him I said he could have her if he wanted to break up her family or he could leave her alone and we would try to work it out. He called her again......The therapist we went to once suggested we call him together to tell him it was over but my wife was not real happy with that suggestion.

Posted
......The therapist we went to once suggested we call him together to tell him it was over but my wife was not real happy with that suggestion.

 

Well, I can kinda see that from the point that I'm a "big girl" and should be able to handle the problems I created - I did feel that way about the situation with my ex, too ... even at the same time, I would have liked him offering to help.

 

Women, huh??? :rolleyes:

  • Author
Posted

If Mental Traveller is out there I answered your post but it got wiped out Saturday. Basically you were telling me I should give my wife some ultimatums which involved me moving out to force her hand to tell me all the details of her EA. I replied that I thought you were being alittle harsh.

 

Just last night while eating out we discussed some of the issues in our lives. My wife believes this EA and the events that unfolded have been a turning point in her life. She says she has been hanging onto the memory of her EX as security......This I am having trouble understanding. She said she now feels like she has been set free of him and his memory. This has allowed her to see how much she truly loves me. If you read this thread you know the EA was with a different man than her ex.

 

She went on to say that no matter what happens between us she could live her life on her own if she has to now????????? This really confused me. What is she trying to tell me? I'm glad she isn't obsessed with her first love / husband anymore, but what gives.

 

One thing I have asked her to do is clean out all the things that she has kept about her ex.....pictures and such and the letters from the OM. She started off with a bang but quit about a month ago. We still have a Museum to them as I call it.

 

Well I guess some things will never change.

  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author
Posted
Einstein said it best 'Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results'.

 

In other words, don't expect her to change or things to change unless you start doing some things different. Quit being a pushover, being a pushover allows her to not respect you.

 

Still no cleaning out of old love letters and pictures from the first marriage in fact I have gotten them out and read them again. In the last couple of weeks I have found myself rereading all the old love letters from the OM. I have even looked all the cell phone bills over. One day in particular they talked off and on all day then had a 125 minute conversation. I just can't imagine that. I don't know why I am rehashing all of this.

 

I feel like I am slipping farther away from her. My desire for her seems to be dwindling. I am short with her and loose my temper quicker. Am I subconciously driving her away?

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