outofdarkness Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 ummm, yep, it sure does...She's lieing to you...That's what they do...So sorry, will be thinking of you! ood
whichwayisup Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 She will argue that all the emotional feelings were his. She says she made it real clear that she is happily married and had no intention of crossing the line. She still says he had problems that she felt good about trying to fix. And she's lying to herself and to you. If she made it clear to him that she was happily married, then why did she do what she did? Why did she allow something to happen?
bish Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Plano, Do you trust her when she says nothing physical happened? If you decide to trust her... sit down and find out what she needs from you on the emotional level... then set about creating the best marriage ever. Ok...he gives her something in the marriage....so what is she to do on her end of the bargain besides simply not going off to bone another guy? If he is to do the work in this, and she just gets to reap the benefit out of him fearing she will cheat...thats nothing but emotional extortion.
JustBreathe Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Bish is right. It takes two people to make a good strong marriage. You have to get your needs met also. I think after all that's happened, she ought to be the one going the extra mile and trying her best to make amends for what she's done. She hid that whole relationship from you. That was wrong and she has hurt you terribly. As for the phone calls with your ex. Your wife knows she's just using that as some kind of lame justification for what she did. It was in no way shape or form your fault and you didn't do anything to cause it or deserve it so don't accept any responsibility. You didn't send your ex any photos of you in your underwear, or gabble to her endlessly on the telephone. This is a good site, however, also consider visiting this site for information: survivinginfidelity.com
Author Planofool Posted August 31, 2007 Author Posted August 31, 2007 I need to clear something up to the best of my knowledge none of the underware pictures were sent.
whichwayisup Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Why? Because she said so? If she didn't send them, there was INTENT TO send them...And, if she DID send them and is lying to you, it's still very wrong and inappropriate. I guess I don't understand why you are believing all that she is saying.
Author Planofool Posted September 1, 2007 Author Posted September 1, 2007 I am believing things that seem to jive with what she tells me.I know there are things that she is not telling the whole truth about because she is embarrased or doesn't want to hurt me or just can't bring herself to tell the truth. I have 26 yrs invested in this marriage and I know what she did is wrong.
bish Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 I am believing things that seem to jive with what she tells me.I know there are things that she is not telling the whole truth about because she is embarrased or doesn't want to hurt me or just can't bring herself to tell the truth. I have 26 yrs invested in this marriage and I know what she did is wrong. Sounds like she is getting away with playing you for a fool. Believe me...I have been there. Cheaters are cunning. They have a way of making half truths sound like the complete truth. I know you have 26 yrs invested in the M...but don't let her snowball you. Sounds like thats exactly what is happening.
Author Planofool Posted September 1, 2007 Author Posted September 1, 2007 It is possible that she is snowballing me but I have to believe in her or call her a liar that I can't prove. So what do you do? All of their contact was over their cell phones. I have phone records and nothing more. I know he is a sick sob knowing that she is his second cousin. If I were to catch her talking to him now that would be a deal breaker for me. If she has done what she says and cut off all contact then I am going to try and work it out.
Author Planofool Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 Found more letters from the past. If she would not have kept all his letters I would have never known. She is definately not telling all there is to tell.
Author Planofool Posted November 9, 2007 Author Posted November 9, 2007 I have since discovered that my wife and this man did date. I have also uncovered a considerable amount about my wife and her past. In some ways she is not the woman I thought I had married. To the best of my knowledge they have not communicated since I caught them. She says that this is the best thing that has ever happened to our relationship. She now realizes that she has married the man of her dreams and she loves me more now than ever. I can only say that she has lost a tremendous amount of trust from me and things are or should be different now. She is at the point where she has gotten back to her normal ways and I resent that. She should still be working on our relationship instead of forgetting what happened. I know she would like for it all to go away but it doesn't work that way. I still look through her things expecting to find more incriminating stuff on her. Will it ever stop?
Cobra_X30 Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 She is at the point where she has gotten back to her normal ways and I resent that. She should still be working on our relationship instead of forgetting what happened. I know she would like for it all to go away but it doesn't work that way. I still look through her things expecting to find more incriminating stuff on her. Will it ever stop? Plano, its your job to force her to understand how you feel! Pack her bags and leave them on the doorstep if you have to. Best of Luck!
Author Planofool Posted November 10, 2007 Author Posted November 10, 2007 Sounds like you think I need to hold her feet to the fire.
bish Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Sounds like you think I need to hold her feet to the fire. DAMN RIGHT!!! Cuz if she doesn't give a squirt of piss as to how you feel...then she needs to hit the road.
Author Planofool Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 We have not discussed anything related to the emotional affair in a month. I just figured she thinks things are ok because I haven't brought it up. My point is she should be working in repair mode all the time. She needs to make things different and better. Just because I'm not talking about it doesn't mean it's all better.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 We have not discussed anything related to the emotional affair in a month. I just figured she thinks things are ok because I haven't brought it up. My point is she should be working in repair mode all the time. She needs to make things different and better. Just because I'm not talking about it doesn't mean it's all better. Maybe a change of action on your end is required. You want this marriage to work?
Bryanp Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If the roles were reversed, do you think she would be so accepting as you have been?
bish Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If the roles were reversed, do you think she would be so accepting as you have been? Well with so many ppl here at LS that try to justify cheating...maybe he should go out and get an eye for an eye eh? Now no...thats not how I feel he should do it. Nothing justifies cheating. But on the other side of the coin, there are alot of OW/OM and cheaters here that would suggest he needs to change for the M to work. In other words, it somehow is his fault she did what she did. Sorry...one shouldn't have to bend over backwards so much that they break their back to stave of cheating from their spouse.
Author Planofool Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 I asked from the beginning, why or what caused you to need his time in your life. She always told me it started as revenge against me and blossomed into what it was before I found out. Just yesterday she said she thinks it was the fact that the affection had gone out of our relationship. I knew all along that something else was driving it even if she thought it started as revenge. Revenge is bad enough but something kept her calling him every chance she got. As I have said before, she was getting the best of both worlds. A loving husband and family and a play thing on the side telling her how great she was and how much he wanted her.
cj1988 Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Planofool, my H was doing the same thing with his NEW 1/2 sister. He would call her every chance he got, they both talked to each other 10-12 times a day and it was all behind my back. When I over heard the conversation on the tape it was all about affection and love towards each other as they talked ugly about me. They were both saying about me and her H "he does not show me affection and she does not want me" all BS. It is all about THEM and what they wanted no matter what....after a certain amount of years everything slows down. When it gets boring or too hard they flirt and emotionally cheat, especially in our case, doing it with BLOOD relatives. How embarassing and disgusting is that ! I too am having a hard time believing and getting past what I saw and heard ! He shows NO remorse and says I am the crazy one, yeah right ! Atleast I am NOT the one talking like a complete nasty idiot to my sibling or cousin. We are the innocent ones in that aspect and the guilty ones when it comes to how it got this far. We trusted too much and paid to little attention to what was right under our noses BECAUSE we want to believe they are not capable of doing something that bad, but baby they are....we both know they were emotionally attached to these people / family members even if they did not have a physical relationship with them....none the less it shows how f--- up the people are we have been married to for years. If that were me, I could never look at myself the same again let alone put someone through hell as we have been through !
Author Planofool Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 The sad part is, they will never see it the way we do or other people that know about it. He wrote my wife a letter that the therapist said was scarry and should be a deal breaker. She said she didn't pay any attention to it. Yeh right. She also didn't like the therapist. I guess at that time she was still way in denial. For the most part she still is. I figure I will give out enough rope and see who hangs themselves or not. One thing is for sure....she may not contact him again but I will bet a dollar to a dognut he gets ahold of her then we will see how she reacts.
cj1988 Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 They will find a way to talk...has she been moody or depressed, like she misses the talks or him?
Author Planofool Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 Not that I can tell, but I may not be the most observant person. I did catch her sneaking pics of her ex husband into her moms house to keep. I mean it has been 28 yrs....let it go. When confronted we went through the usual I don't know what you are talking about BS. but the truth came out and I simply said why don't you ask me if I mind because I don't. He is no threat to me and he was her first love and a big part of her past. Maybe I am being stupid but pictures can't hurt me.
cj1988 Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 The first weekend after I busted him with the tape, he admitted that it did not sound good, but he was not sleeping with her. Siad they had a connection he could not understand. Then after that (2 weeks of me asking questions and him not getting the SAME attention form her) he became sad and miserable and hated me! He said I was crazy and an embarassment to him and his new family. My best friend heard the tape and she agrees, I AM NOT crazy. It is still hard for me to believe, but he continued to talk to her and threw me away for 5 months.....said he wanted a divorce, could not be married to someone that could think that about him, something that gross......I am only telling you this now, because if she really cares for him, she will turn on you if you take him atway....atleast at first she will, then HE will back off and she will come back to you, by default......that is how I feel.....the only reason I am still with him is because i have been weak and aloud him to GASLIGHT me (look it up) now a year later I am not as bad at all and could leave him without freaking out ! It does get easier but never better, sorry ! They are liars and could never tell us if they have slept with BLOOD to gross to tell anyone ever !
Author Planofool Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 I am sorry you have had to go through this. I sometimes think it would be easier if I caught her in a big lie or talking to him again. Things in life never come easy.
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