Planofool Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 My wife and I have been married for 24 yrs. Before we got together she was friends with a man who is her 2nd cousin. He had been one of the people that told her that her first husband was cheating on her. He has always professed his love for her but she did not reciprocate the feelings he has. When she got divorced he wanted to date her but she would not. I just found out recently that over the years they have stayed in communiction through letters and phone calls. I knew that he would call once every two yrs or so. I was always told that they were just friends and would discuss their familys and such. He got married and the communications stopped for a few years until he got divorced. The phone calls started again. He is older than my wife and a recovering alcoholic with lots of issues. He had always asked for her to send him pictures and on one ocassion she did. He said it was great but wanted one of her topless so he could fantasize. I just read those letters this month, they were from back in the early 90's. In April of this year she said he had called and wanted to know who was going to the family reunion. I thought nothing of it. On June the 21st I looked at her cell phone records and discovered they had been talking for the last 2 months every chance she got. My new job had consumed all my time during the day and I was working late every day. The odd thing was we were getting along great and our sex life was incredible. When I busted them out she said they were just friends and that she was helping him with his problems. I found pictures of her with a sexy bra and panties she said were taken for me. He sent her a love letter that made me want to fly to his house and beat the crap out of him. I recently found an envelope addressed to him that was just the right size for pictures, she can't explain the envelope. She says they have stopped talking and that she does not want to talk to him ever again. She has sworn to be that there was nothing romantic or emotional on her part only he felt that way. I have read all the letters I can find and I think she was toying with him and enjoying the attention. Am I fooling myself or does my wife love me more now than ever as she states all the time? Is what she did having an affair?
Cobra_X30 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 The fact that thier related is creepy. It sounds like she was enjoying his attention, while you were ignoring her. How far away does this guy live? Why would they use letters? Keep your eyes open! Demand a zero contact policy, then back off and give her all the rope she needs.
Author Planofool Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 He lives 14 hours by car but has said he is coming to see her and she can't stop him. They used letters back in the early days and he would send them to her mom's house. Her mom has apoligized for allowing the letters to be sent to her address. I don't know why he sent the last one to our house, how stupid can you be? My wife does not know how to e-mail or have an account she can access. Years ago he sent her an email and my son had to open it for her. It was a picture of him and his son. We all dismissed it as a cousin sending another cousin his photos. She has recently enrolled in a beginning computer class at her work. I know because I can access her email at her work. I would say she was enjoying his attention, he is very smoooooth in talking and writing. She originally said she allowed this contact to go farther this time as a way to pay me back for my ex girlfriend contacting me in the past. We all graduated together so I see her every 5 years at the reunions. My wife claims she has low self esteem and didn't like me talking to her. She has since said she was wrong and that she knows I do not care for my ex. I can honestly say she is right. I have no desire to even talk to her. Her calling this revenge doesn't hold water with me.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Plano, Do you trust her when she says nothing physical happened? If you decide to trust her... sit down and find out what she needs from you on the emotional level... then set about creating the best marriage ever. If you cant trust her... give her the boot!
Author Planofool Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 In all my snooping I have found nothing that indicates they got together. Rebuilding the trust has been the toughest thing I have had to do.
cj1988 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Hello and first off I am sorry I of all people know what you are going through. Please take a look at my post today and you will know why. My husband and I have been together almost 13 years and I could never imagine him cheating and especially with a family member. Maybe they are just flirting, but it sounds emotional if they are talking every day. Look at my post and let me know if you want to talk, most of all know it has nothing to do with you and you are NOT crazy !
whichwayisup Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 My wife does not know how to e-mail or have an account she can access. Bull! She may not have known how to use email back then, but I doubt very much she is still not able to use email. Chances are she may have a secret account and can access it through her phone, or an internet cafe or at work. IF she doesn't use the computer at home... Sorry to say this, but I think there's ALOT more she isn't telling you, and now that she's been busted, she's trying to backtrack and cover up/not tell you everything. Maybe you need to talk to the 2nd cousin (IS he a BLOOD relative cousin??) and let him know their 'friendship' or whatever they had together is OVER. Sorry that you're hurting.
whichwayisup Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 In all my snooping I have found nothing that indicates they got together. Rebuilding the trust has been the toughest thing I have had to do. Since the letters went to her mom's house, do you think it's possible they met at the house? If you feel eventually you can get past this, go to marriage counselling and individual counselling. She needs to go to one on one counselling as well.
Author Planofool Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 I have checked her phone and she has not used it for email. I have checked her work email account and do so every day. She does not use it. I know that they met at her moms house 20 yrs ago. Her mom has since moved closer to us. We have been to a marriage counselor together and I have been once by myself. He wanted to go back through her childhood and she doesn't want to. Her mom and dad divorced when she was 3. The therapist read the letter he sent her in June and said it was a deal breaker and that her cousin was dangerous. I know their calling increased after the letter and she says it has nothing to do with it. Thanks for all your input
Author Planofool Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 I had a conversation with my wife and she said she did not have an affair. By deffinition she did not if no sex was involved. At the least I would say it was emotional infadelity. I would appreciate any input
Cobra_X30 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I had a conversation with my wife and she said she did not have an affair. By deffinition she did not if no sex was involved. At the least I would say it was emotional infadelity. I would appreciate any input Emotional Affairs are just as bad! Why did she do this? Have you talked to her about why she felt this was something she needed? If you want your marriage to survive you need to figure out if there is something you can do to to fix the hole in your marriage.
Author Planofool Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 For the most part when I ask why, I get the "I don't know" answer. She said she initially did it for revenge but it escalated into talking 10 to 12 times a day.
whichwayisup Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Ask her how SHE would feel if you had a very close emotional friendship, a closeness with another woman. You spending one on one time, cuddling and talking, with another woman, allowing yourself to have feelings...My guess is, your wife would be hurt, pissed off and feel betrayed. EA's are just as dangerous as physical ones. Does she know what she did was wrong?
Author Planofool Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 She does know what she did is wrong. My problem is I want to know all the details of what happened. I feel like I need to know in order to heal.
outofdarkness Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 cheating/infidelity is defined as any R that occurs w/ the oppsite sex that is carried out in secrecy and deception...THE SPOUSE IS UNAWARE OF THE RELATIONSHIP! So, yes, it's cheating..
JustBreathe Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 What out of darkness says is true. That is a good definition. They were having communications she did not feel comfortable enough to share with you. Underwear pics. Love letters. Endless phone calls. Yep... I'd say that's an affair. Her saying that she did it because of your ex... is bogus. I forget what the actual name for it is but it's something like deflection or reflection.. you cast your guilt on the other person thus reducing your own guilt. She's blaming you so she feels less to blame. I think she doesn't love you more than she ever has. I think probably she has always loved you. She just separated her love for you from the excitement she felt with her so called relative. It's called compartmentalization. She put you in a little box in her mind while she went out and played Ms. Sexy. They all don't know why the did it. Have no good response to the question Why. Because you can't apply logic to the illogical. Can't make sense out of something that is senseless.
Author Planofool Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 That is the best explanation I have heard yet. I have told her that when she says "I don't know" that is the last answer to a tough question that I want to hear. To me that has quilty written all over it.
New_Wife Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 You mentioned she said something about revenge. I may have missed it, but revenge for what?
Author Planofool Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 Three phone calls from an ex over the last 20 yrs. One was from her about our class reuniun, two were from my best friend drunk and he put her on the phone.I told her about the reunion call right after it happened. The other two she was with me when I got them. She claims at the reunions if was obvious that my ex was flirting with me. Then this year I made the fatal mistake of dancing with a girl at a party. A two minute dance that she now labels as "dancing with the whore". She has recently said these instances seem petty now and not worth what she says she did out of revenge. I think the revenge theory is a cover up for something else.
bartles Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 She is cheating. As gross as it may sound she is having an affair. If she did not have sex she has though about it but what makes this an affair is that she craves his attention...IT'S EMOTIONAL. Emotional affairs are the worst...too many darn emotions getting involved makes it hard. The excuses she is given are lame...revenge for something from years ago. Furthermore...why are you so obsessed with checking all her stuff...phone, e-mail. That is insane..if the trust is that far gone then you need to count your losses and move on.
Author Planofool Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 By definition an affair involves sex.
reboot Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Not true, Emotional Affairs may never become physical, but they are just as much cheating as if they did. Sometimes more so.
whichwayisup Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 By definition an affair involves sex. Any kind of emotional feelings and emotional intimacy IS cheating. The focus on someone else romantically when you're married IS cheating.
Author Planofool Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 She will argue that all the emotional feelings were his. She says she made it real clear that she is happily married and had no intention of crossing the line. She still says he had problems that she felt good about trying to fix.
bartles Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Ok..so obviously you are in DENIAL here. You don't trust her because you are all up in her emails and phone calls. Emotional affairs are cheating no doubt about it. She is sharing her heart with another man. Why would she knowing that her cousin has problems escalate those problems by teasing them with sending pics and what not? Why would she waste her time writing letters to him knowing that he has problems and she could be adding to them? Why is it people lie for the sake of lying? I mean perhaps they don't understand it or feel it or mean it but they do. I mean cry me a river here you need to either accept this or move on. She is a cheater and I would deny it too if it were my cousin that's just gross.
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