milvushina Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 This seemed better b/c divorce/separation seems for CURRENT div/sep. Sorry I posted it there too. I've posted before about my residual feelings for my exH... a little guilt, a lot of shame, a whooole lot of anger. East of Jupiter posted a link about something called "covert aggression" and it sounded so familiar I thought I would snip some parts and post them here. 1. A manipulator's aggression is not obvious. We find ourselves unconsciously on the defensive, but we can't readily validate our feelings. 2. Not obvious because the tactics can make it seem like the person is hurting, caring, defending ... almost anything but fighting. They keep you on the run emotionally and it is hard to sort through your feelings. 3. Manipulators know what buttons to push, when and how hard. Our lack of self-knowledge sets us up to be exploited (although I did get great at not taking his bait; his tactics changed to much more cruelty). 4. While our gut tells us we're dealing with a ruthless conniver, our head tells us they must be really frightened or wounded "underneath." We're more apt to doubt and blame ourselves for daring to believe what our gut tells us about our manipulator's character. They use selective inattention (oblivious to your feelings), denial, and distraction to throw you off. I used to think of talking to my ex as nailing Jell-O to a tree. Then there was lying, and shaming - subtle sarcasm and put-downs as a means of increasing fear and self-doubt in others. He really overdid that, and I still suffer from it I think. He would say "I'm just kidding," but it is hard to believe he did not know that what made me cry and caused me literally years of humiliation and dread and was not funny. He also played the victim, especially after I started to despise him. That's a lot of our friends no longer like me, or even if they do they believe I have issues with loyalty and honestly. And I played into his hand because I slept with someone else at the end, although I never was with him again and of course he thinks I straight left him for that guy. That's all I have to say, I just wanted to put it out there that I think I pegged him and see what responses I get. Also - it has been over 2 years, I am remarried and happy, and yet the bad feelings (mostly anger) linger. My question is, do I need therapy for this? What kinds of things would they tell you in therapy? Was I in fact a victim of some kind of psychological abuse? And if so am I the one to blame, for not noticing, for not stopping it sooner?
Recommended Posts