Asking Ladies

[niceguy27]

Hi. I want to get some ladies advice here...

 

Background

 

Im 27, girlfriend is 24. Been together almost 2 years. It's a 50/50 relationship. We get along wonderfully, rarely fight/argue, passionate, and have a very nice relationship. We both have dated quite a bit in the past, and when we met each other, we both hit it off instantly. Almost love at first sight.

 

About 8 months in, she moved out of her mothers and in with me. She's in school, I have a small business so we kept pretty busy. She had her nights out as did I and we did alot of movies, dinners, trips, etc together.

 

About 4 months ago we went on a nice 2 week romantic vacation to relax and rekindle things. It was wonderful. Had a great time, and things have been great. Roughly a month afterwards, she went to stay at her moms for a few days to clear her head and just take a little personal time. She came back assured that she missed me, etc. Then, about a month later, she decided the reason she left was to see if she could do it on her own and miss being away from me. So she moved out with some friends.

 

This has been a little over a month now. We kind of cooled things down, let her do her thing, and we still continued with us. Great huh?

 

Well, about 3 weeks ago, she shows up for our date night and I notice shes wearing a nice ring I had bought her a while back. I ask her "Are you sure you want to put that back on?" "Oh, yeah. Im sure. I think its time." Plus she says to me and separetely to her mother, "BTW, when you move in the next couple of months, I'll be ready too and I want to come with you." (Im not moving far, like 20 minutes away).

 

Jump to last week. She tells me that she needs to get her priorities straight with school (nursing,clinicals) and doesnt want to worry about maintaining a relationship right now. She says the reason she kept going back and forth was because her feelings changed on a daily basis for me and she wants to be sure she'll miss me and appreciate us to the fullest extent. She admitted that she knows deep down that we will be together in the end but right now she has to get her ***t together. We had agreed to take a month off then come back and visit it.

 

Yesterday, I sat her down and told her that Ive given her plenty of time to make a decision about us (almost 4 months) and its not fair to me to have to wait another month. So I said 2 more weeks. Little/NC during that time. Instead of keeping busy so as to not face the decision, I told her to really think about where we want to go. See each other once or so a week, stay friends, break it off, etc. But I told her I need something. No more pulling me along.

 

So ladies, what do you think? Is she recognizing what is happening and trying to fix it? Did I do the right things?

 

I want to be stern but then again, I want to break down and tell her just to come back to me. I love her dearly and I truly think that she realizes how much she loves me, but just wants to be sure too.

[birdie]

what happened just before she moved out? did you start talking about marriage or kids?

[Capricciosa]

Let her get her s**t together. Otherwise this yoyo will continue and will drive you crazy. Why not take some time to consider what you need in the meantime?

[niceguy27]

She had said this was her last real summer before nursing school. We never got into big fights or anything. Marriage, kids thing we've talked about in the past, but never set any definite plans. We were just going to kind of wait till she was done with school.

 

I've considered what I want and I realized a while back that she's the one I want to be with. I'm getting established in my own business and am on the path to settling down with my life.

 

One of the big things she has said, is that she said she needs to try to get by on her own for a little while to see if she can do it. Plus, we have never done anything like this before, and she said maybe this is what she needs to make her realize things.

[heartoutside]

I'm in a similar situation and I"m not a lady so I can't give you that side. BUt to be honest man, you've got to do what you feel is right. I've been posting on here looking for answers, why she does this, why she did that...etc etc. Know one on here will be able to give you an answer because no one really knows her but you. I don't mean that in a bad why. I've gotten some great advice, but I and you won't get any answers. That's the hard part.

 

So right now there are 2 things you need to think about; One: What you want for yourself? Two: Are you willing and ready to go through the ups and downs that might follow if you give her the time she needs (which is what is sounds like all she needs right now).

 

That is what I'm going through right now. After 2 months and of not seeing her, and a few big bumps (her getting pissed off over stupid sh**), I thought I would never really talk to her again. I was wrong, 2 weeks ago she started contacting me again. And now I'm trying to decide if I want to fight for her (and I think I will) and deall with all the yoyo'n.

 

At the same time though, you need to focus on yourself. Go to the gym, bust your ass off at your business, maybe see if you can up your profits. Take this time to take a look at yourself, because if it doesn't work out, at the very least, you'll be a better person in the end....and you will have bad days, I'm having one today. But I know it will be better tomorrow....one day at a time, both for yourself, for her and for your relationship.

 

And again, you won't find answers on here, just good opinions and great advice that will maybe help you figure out the answers for yourself, because only you can do that.

 

Goodluck man........

[niceguy27]

So was I right to put my foot down by cutting this time from another month to 2 weeks? I wanted to let her know that I cant deal with this emotional yoyo and I think she has had plenty of time to "ponder" the last few months that weve cooled things off.

[get.mos]

ng27: sounds like she's just not ready to commit. she's not financially dependent and is questioning her ability to do so. also, she needs/wants to focus on nursing school.

 

as for you, do you want someone that needs to be with you because of a financial situation? she may question that later on down the line. also, given the fact that you described the relationship at 50/50, is it worth it? might want to cool it. you're young, and i don't understand why i see so many people trying to "grow up" so soon. (i.e., get married, have kids by their 20s)

[heartoutside]

How long did you remain in NC? Did you contiune contact with her right after you two broke up?

 

Maybe she really just needs a taste of what life is without you. If I were you, I would have just gone NC after she said "that she needs to get her priorities straight with school (nursing,clinicals) and doesnt want to worry about maintaining a relationship right now." That would have been the right time to back off and give her that taste and the space she seems to be looking for. Give it some time, for both of you.......if you want to "wait" 2 months then "wait" 2 months. But don't just sit around like a lump on a log "waiting." You're not waiting, you need to focus on yourself. Go on a trip, hangout with buddies I'm sure you forgot all about while dating your girlfriend, hell develop a crush on another girl, you don't have to act on it.... She's got a lot of power over you right now, and the only thing you can do to gain any power (or even pride) is to let her see what it's like without....have fun, go out. If she calls, or texts and you're not busy then answer, or reply. Maybe if it feels right, give her a call again in a few weeks when you are thinking more clearly. I know in the weeks the followed my break, I was thinking with 100% emotion and so was she.

It's only now that I think both of us have started to calm down and see things more clearly.....

[niceguy27]

thanks for the advice there hearto...I didnt have any contact with her the last week (text asking when I should set some time aside to meet her to discuss her things) up until yesterday when she came over.

 

I cut right to the point and told her I cant do another month but 2 weeks. Arghh...Now Im questioning myself. Did I jump the gun by demanding she choose in that short amount of time?

 

I cant keep going back and forth. I agree with you...I need to wrest control of my life back.

 

With that said, what would you do for this? Do NC for the next 2 weeks then see, or text, call, in the next day or two and let her know there is no limit? Then do NC for a while.

 

[heartoutside]

To be honest, I don't know. It never crossed my mind to give a time frame for my ex. When she told me she need a break and was confused it hit me like a ton of bricks because it was out of no where, and 2 weeks early we had been talking about what wedding ring she would like. So I totally flipped out and basically forced her to say we were breaking up....

I kind of think the time frame idea is a very bad idea. But that is just my opinion. If you need to set a time frame, that is your call. But what i've learned over the past 2 months is you can't force her to do anything, this is something she decided and thus if there is going to be a timeline she would have set it. And again this is just my opinion. By your setting a timeline you've basically "pushed" her away a little. But don't question yourself, that doesn't get you anywhere and if anything it creates more doubt in your mind and will make you either depressed or sad, and right now that isn't what you need and won't make her want you back. What is done is done, now you need to figure out where to go from here.

 

I think you just need to chill for now, bit the bullet a little. It's going to suck, and it's going to be hard. But I can tell that you really are hunting for an answer, and I think you can only find that answer with a clear mind.

 

Also as far as getting yoyoed by her....it's your call. My ex has started to yoyo me around this past week and a half (and that was my choice). But I see it as her reaching out. But my situation is very much different from yours. I went nc since we broke up basically, and have only replied to her text's and calls. I have only called her to tell her to get her stuff out of my apartment, and until recently a few nice text messages, which has kind opened the door again I feel for us. You can read my whole messed up story in my past posts. That will give you an idea of how much she yoyoed me

 

So give it some time. If in a few days if you want to call her up and say, I want what is best for you and for us and if that means you need to take sometime to figure things out ok. But I need to go on with my life....something like that....(that's probably not the best way it could be said). Give it a few days, figure out if that is what you really want...get a clear mind....and get off the computer, you'll just keep thinking about her.

[niceguy27]

I see what your saying now. Your right about not putting a time limit on this. Amazing how we think of these things AFTER the meetings, talks, etc.

 

I am going to wait a few days, maybe even the whole two weeks, then when we do meet/talk, I will tell her that after all this thinking/time alone, that I realize that I cannot put a definite timeline on this "break" and if she needs time, then she can have it. I will let her know that I am prepared to move on and if we truly love each other, if/when this phase passes, we will find each other again.

 

Then I will let her talk and see what page she is on. That way, I think I will cover my bases by not laying down definitive barriers to her decisions.

[riobikini]

NG27 -she needs to get it "straight" before she enters nursing school -or else, you guys are in for a bigger rollercoaster ride than either of you could ever realize at this point.

 

Nursing school is grueling these days.

 

It ain't for wusses.

 

And it can be very stressful on relationships.

 

She needs (you both need) to be strongly committed to something -at least- by the time she starts school.

 

Be certain you're both in for the long haul.

 

-Rio

[niceguy27]

Ive read some of your posts on here and appreciate your take on things.

 

Can you tell by my first post that she truly is just needing to calm down a bit and collect herself? Are there subtle things that a woman puts out that really says "I do love him and want to be together, but I need to figure out what the hells going on with me?" (ie. Read some of the things that she has said/done before the breakup.)

 

I am starting to see this the longer we are apart. She has a hard time making decisions with her life. Now I see that I dont think I can push her into anything further right now. I believe deep down (and she has reciprocated the same thing) that we will get married down the road (never pushed it on each other), but right now she has NO IDEA what the hells happening with her and wants to step back and take a breather.

[ls707]

I see what your saying now. Your right about not putting a time limit on this. Amazing how we think of these things AFTER the meetings, talks, etc.

 

I am going to wait a few days, maybe even the whole two weeks, then when we do meet/talk, I will tell her that after all this thinking/time alone, that I realize that I cannot put a definite timeline on this "break" and if she needs time, then she can have it. I will let her know that I am prepared to move on and if we truly love each other, if/when this phase passes, we will find each other again.

 

Then I will let her talk and see what page she is on. That way, I think I will cover my bases by not laying down definitive barriers to her decisions.

 

hey man, from what i have read you have been more than patient with this girl. I understand you have feelings for her, but to me it sounds like shes bouncing from place to place not knowing what she wants to do. She keeps asking for breaks and personal space from you and you love her and you keep giving her what she wants, but honestly how long can you keep this up? ask yourself that?.

 

Months upon months of waiting and still no definitive answer, that would drive anyone into a corner emotionally (man or woman). I think you should move on and if she really does love you she will come back to you, if she doesnt, well u can look at it as another chapter in that book your writing called life.

 

edit: i know u wanted ladies only, but i just gave you my 2 cents on this situation. Feel free to ignore it, if u must.

[Trialbyfire]

This doesn't sound like a ladies issue 'cause men go through the state of "do I commit or not".

 

She's confused and doesn't know what she wants. You can't force a decision from her by giving her a time limit. Instead I would suggest you tell her that you can't take this rubber-banding and until she gets her head clear, you're not going to do this anymore. Tell her to take all the time she needs and if she decides to come back, it had better be with a more definitive state of mind, although there's no guarantees you will be available when she's made her decision.

 

You've put your own life on hold long enough.

 

Also, tell her that there will be no contact until she makes her decision, since at her age, she's capable of making big girl decisions all by herself.

 

Your efforts of low contact have produced nothing so it's time to take a harder line. Keep in mind you could lose her in the process but even better, you could potentially move on and find someone who is capable of consistent commitment.

[riobikini]

NG: "Ive read some of your posts on here and appreciate your take on things.

 

Can you tell by my first post that she truly is just needing to calm down a bit and collect herself? Are there subtle things that a woman puts out that really says "I do love him and want to be together, but I need to figure out what the hells going on with me?" (ie. Read some of the things that she has said/done before the breakup.)"

 

 

 

Well, now (Smile) -without looking into my crystal ball.....

 

Seriously, I understand your wanting to get an answer from her as to which side of the fence she's on -and setting some sort of time limit *seems* to be the right thing to do.

 

But if she don't have it together -look- she don't have it together no matter what time she's given.

 

I think back off, get busy with your life, and be prepared for anything.

 

I know that sounds about as clear as muddy water looks in a jar -but as I said (Smile) I'm doing this without the help of my crystal ball.

 

(Smile)

 

Hang loose -don't push- and be available to her in an intelligent way -letting her know that your world won't exactly fall apart and that you won't exactly vow to never, ever love again, if she decides opposite of what you're hoping (in very countrified terms, don't jump the instant she hollers.)

 

Just "be".

 

 

-Rio

[niceguy27]

Thanks...I am trying. It comes as such a surprise that she would do this about face on us. I understand being stressed, etc.

 

And I still want to believe deep down that she really does love and miss me and that she is just trying to sort her feelings out. We have shared so many things together and know each other inside and out. It is just a shocker to think that she may decide to just "forget" about us.

[reboot]

I don't mean to be a party pooper, but don't be surprised if there's someone else. All this back and forth from her sounds eerily familiar. Maybe you should check it out.

[niceguy27]

I have. She has assured me that there is no one else. She gives lists of reasons why she needs this. They range from focusing on school, changing feelings for me, not wanting any obligations right now, to her saying she needs to realize on her own what she has with me and needing to appreciate me. She is not one to run out and start something with someone else. I think that now that she lives with her friends (whom most have bf) she feels some need to have "freedom" or something.

Her and I have a very passionate, very exciting, fun, relationship. We do date nights with just the two of us, we go on trips, hang out by ourselves alone.

Maybe, if she did meet some guy, she'll then see just how much of a chode most guys are.

[niceguy27]

ok. i have just gotten back from out of town and had some time to think of some things. i would like someone to give me some advice on the following;

 

the more i looked at why things have taken a turn for the worse with our relationship is due to the fact she has committment issues. its never really surfaced till now and i am starting to think that is what it is.

 

i had writen a letter that i have not given to her.

we are meeting in another week to see where things lie at that point. this letter explains what this committment phobia is and how i think that is a big reason for her sudden actions. she doesnt trust her feelings and gets scared of them so that is why she focused on neative things and used those things to bring up reasons to break up. that way its easier for her to end it. i think that when things are that good, she questions her feelings because she is so distrusting of them.

 

so this letter goes into detail about that and i want to read it to her when we meet. is this a good idea and a good way to try to fight for her and if so should i do it now or wait till then?

 

also, we will have not seen eac other fo two weeks when that comes and have been on lc/nc that time.

 

thanks a lot. sorry i had to type this on my pda.