not_clever Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 well I have been reading a few posts and unfortunatly I can really relate to them. So heres my story. I was miserably married for 10 years after yet another split from my hubby decided enough was enough and we finally got divorced. I sailing along happily then met this guy admittedly not a stunner but the thought of a one night stand didnt seem so bad at the time. He pointed out where he lived ohh about 1/2 mile from my house. Anyway after the deed was done he asked me for my phone number. was taken aback as I didnt expect to see him again. I thought what the heck we are both single. He said he would call the next day. {which he didnt I thought ohh well win some loose some} But later on that day the friend I was with the night I met him happened to spot him near where he lived with a woman and baby seats in the car. CLANG penny dropped. Expected never to hear from him ever again. Te phone rang 2 days later. I withheld the fact I already had realised his secret. He did come clean the fact he was married with 2 young kids. That should have been my cue to turn on my heel and run as fast as I could. Unfortunatly and stupidly I agreed to meet up with him again. Why why why I will never know. 7 months into the A he admitted he had an affair previously which ended 2 months before he met me and it ended as his wife found out. I thought this guy is crazy. When I went out with friends he would find the time to text me all night until he knew I was home. Well just after his confession I met another man {nothing serious} I told MM he went beserk. I thought who the hell ishe to tell me whom I can and cant see? Does he expect me to sit and wait on his calls? Err think not! Im the single 1 not him. That 1 went no where anyway but that jealous outburst confussed me. Well his wife got hold of his personal phone bill. silly man had it itemised. well she now has my number and hecalls me from his work mobile or his personal mobile for me to call him back. The wife did call me so she knew it was a females phone. He got away with some crazy excuse. well both of us were taken by surprise a few months ago when I discovered was pregnant and not a few weeks 14 weeks I couldnt talk for crying and found i hard to tell him. He didnt ask me to abort the baby and I never I am now 27 weeks pregnant. He complains about my smoking whilst pregnant and moaned when I considered giving the baby my ex hubbys surname {kept marital name for sake of my daughter teenager} I have attempted to break it off with him many times. I now feel he only wants to see me to protect himself. I really dont need anything from him I am financially secure. I dont want him to be a part of my babys life. I am having a daughter and he has 2 sons so it scares me he will take an intrest. I dont wish his wife ever to be aware of the situation and with the close proximity I live to them its going to be a toughie.He winges about his wife alot I always stand up for her but I cant stand by and listen to his crap knowing when he leaves my house he is at home playing happy families. I know he lies to his wife and probably to me also. I think he has told me everything about himself he spent his last 2 wedding anniverseries with my rather than being at home. Valentines day he did get his wife a lovley bouquet of flowers. {saw them in the window on the way past his house} I spoke to him earlier and he said hes worried incase his wife finds out and wont allow him to see his kids!!!!! I told him he knew the score and maybe should have thought twice before he had an affair! He has appologised to me for going on holiday! walking passed my house with his family {incase I was annoyed} Why should I they have been together a long time! Its his wife! hmmm I would love to ge out of this situation but Im finding it really hard to walk away! WHY WHY WHY I know its wrong. I have struggled with my feelings of guilt all the way through the last 20 months. The thought of never talking to him or seeing him again eats me up. I know there is not future neither of us ever talked about it or hinted at it. I admitted had feelings for him about a year ago Hoping he would run but he never he told me he also had feelings for me. He had a to-do in his car he phoned me rather than his wife. She is still unaware as far as I know! He moans alot about his wifes short comings. I told him I honestly feel sorry for her putting up with his behaviour. If hes not working hes out playing sports {well supposed to be} He wont socialise with her unless its a wedding! she appears only to go out with her friends! whilst he is home he texts me to call him on his house number after the kids are in bed! I know he really loves his kids and would do anything for them. I have pointed out his marriage is heading down the same rocky road mines did. I hve told him to go home and sort things out with his wife. I am so angry I cant walk away as easily as I thought I could. I know I couldnt trust a man ever like him and it would drive me insane. But the walking away is driving me crazy too.
RealityCheck Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 You certainly had time to see the Affair for what it is.... Aside from the obvious of how one becomes pregnant, my question to you is why?
Impudent Oyster Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Was there a question in there somewhere????????
smoochygirl Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Are you expecting him to leave his wife or his wife to leave him? If you will be his wife someday don't you think he might cheat on you too? His a serial cheater. Cheating on his W over and over again is a red flag. I don't blame you for being in an A but you are facing big challenges in your life, (make sure you don't end up in mental hospital because of this MM;)). Do you want the baby or it is just accident? Some women got pregnant because they want to and some are just accident. Tell him to D his wife the poor women doesn't deserve this. Hope the best for you.
Author not_clever Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 The pregnancy was an accident. I have a teenager, no man to hold me back. People that know me know Im about as maternal as a mushroom. I also dont want him to leave his wife as I stated earlier. I dont want stuck with a man like that. sometimes our actions come back and bite us when we least expect it. Maybe someone embarking on an A will read whats happened to me and think twice.
RealityCheck Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 The pregnancy was an accident. I have a teenager, no man to hold me back. People that know me know Im about as maternal as a mushroom. I also dont want him to leave his wife as I stated earlier. I dont want stuck with a man like that. sometimes our actions come back and bite us when we least expect it. Maybe someone embarking on an A will read whats happened to me and think twice. Some parents like to teach their teenagers about the risks involved with unprotected sex. How will you explain to your teenager, as his/her Mother about your accident? Will you also inform your teenager of the Affair? That's quite alot for a teenager to accept.
Lizzie60 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 I told him he knew the score and maybe should have thought twice before he had an affair! Why is it always the MM's fault??? You were responsible for your OWN birth control...not HIM. You very well knew when you first started the A in what you were heading for... just as he did...right? Do I blame this guy? Not more than I blame you... I even blame you more cause YOU got pregnant... in this day and age... geezzzzz. I just can't believe some stories I read here... really!
smoochygirl Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 The pregnancy was an accident. I have a teenager, no man to hold me back. People that know me know Im about as maternal as a mushroom. I also dont want him to leave his wife as I stated earlier. I dont want stuck with a man like that. sometimes our actions come back and bite us when we least expect it. Maybe someone embarking on an A will read whats happened to me and think twice. Hi not_clever, I just want you to know that i am not against OW ever, it is your choice and you have to deal with the choice you made in your life. weather its good or bad, I just don't have sympathy for the people who start whining after making bad choices. My mom is an OW of my dad, she don't see anything wrong with having a child with a MM but there is a huge conflict. I don't mind IF she is a single mother, I don't mind IF she claim to got pregnant by accident two times (with me and my bro) but what hurts me the most is they deceive me and my brother. My dad is not always home, he has to divide his time for us and his real family, when i was young about 6 years old i always ask my mom "WHERE IS DADDY" " Why he doesn't sleep here every night" "When will he come back" "Why i can't call him daddy when someone is around" etc. etc. too many question running in my young brain. I was 8 i found out the whole truth, I am more broken hearted than my mom was. You don't see problem with having a child with MM but your child will see and feel it. You are starting a journey where you will have to deal with his family for the rest of your life. I don't mean to offend you or anything, but having a child with a MM is selfishness. you see your child will suffer knowing daddy have another family. My dad pass away and i don't even see him in his funeral, his family don't consider us as family. His own kids from his family hate us. Do you want that for your child?
RealityCheck Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 "WHERE IS DADDY" " Why he doesn't sleep here every night" "When will he come back" "Why i can't call him daddy when someone is around" etc. etc. too many question running in my young brain. SG...thanks for sharing your story..... Your story actually made my eyes water. I feel so bad for the child spirit in you. I can't fathom how much pain you must have felt. Your thoughts of your childhood memories is exactly what I thought of how a child would perceive their "Daddy". How does a Mother explain you can't say Daddy in front of people. How does one explain Daddy is with his wife, and you are not important enough to him. All the love in a Mother's heart cannot wipe away thier transgression in a child's heart.
norajane Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 You ask why we let ourselves get messed around. I withheld the fact I already had realised his secret. He did come clean the fact he was married with 2 young kids. That should have been my cue to turn on my heel and run as fast as I could. Unfortunatly and stupidly I agreed to meet up with him again. Why why why I will never know. You obviously were ok with taking the risk because you walked into it with your eyes wide open. In fact, you chose to hide it from him that you knew he was married with kids, you chose to get involved further with him after the one night stand, and chose to maintain your pregnancy, too. I don't know why you chose this for yourself - only you can answer that for yourself, just as each OW/OM here can answer that only for themselves.
RealityCheck Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I don't know why you chose this for yourself - only you can answer that for yourself, just as each OW/OM here can answer that only for themselves. Very true NJ...very true First step is to get out of denial.
Author not_clever Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 I will just clear up a few things here. Firstly Antibiotics mess with birth control. Reason I did not discover the pregnancy for 14 weeks which was confirmed by an ultra sound scan and as I was still having bleeds when period was due. Have you seen a 14 week old fetus? very active and fully formed. Secondly I knew a day before he phoned me he was married. I let him come clean about the fact, to which he did. Like most people whom get into this situation you assume things wont get tangled and if his wife never finds out she cant get hurt.
Author not_clever Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 I would like to point out I am not in denial. I am certianly not proud of the situation I am in and its not a situation I ever expected to find myself in . I have had problems with guilt but mm managed to talk me round them. There are also alot of women out there whom have kids by dead beat dads and whom are beat up by husbands and still manage to bring up well adjusted children as is my teenager whom is a high grader and off to university in a few years. Therefore dont tell me what I should tell my teenager whom dosent have much to do with her own father {my ex-husband} I have brought her up almost single handedly. and have been on both sides of the fence. I dont require anything from the MM as I said I am financially secure and my baby will want for nothing and will be well loved when she is here. Therefore in my eyes his wife is blissfully unaware as are their children. As far as I am concerned thats the way it shall remain. I didnt know he was married initially not all men wear big shiny gold wedding rings and those whom do I wouldnt look twice at.
PoshPrincess Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I told him he knew the score and maybe should have thought twice before he had an affair! Why is it always the MM's fault??? You were responsible for your OWN birth control...not HIM. You very well knew when you first started the A in what you were heading for... just as he did...right? Do I blame this guy? Not more than I blame you... I even blame you more cause YOU got pregnant... in this day and age... geezzzzz. I just can't believe some stories I read here... really! :rolleyes: Lizzie, I never had you down as being judgemental! I think Not-Clever knows she made some serious mistakes (as her name suggests) but MM was just as much as fault. And I have to agree with what she said about him thinking of the consequences BEFORE embarking on an A. I think that with my exMM. He couldn't handle the way I was when things ended - and I really was a mess - but he was 50% to blame for my emotional state. Saying that, he probably did the right thing by cutting all contact as I would only have read the situation wrong had he been in any way sympathetic. I just hope he thinks twice before doing the same thing again. Not-Clever, thanks for sharing your story with us and, yes, it IS a lesson to be learned. I hope everything works out for you.
frannie Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 ... I sailing along happily then met this guy admittedly not a stunner but the thought of a one night stand didnt seem so bad at the time.... ... he asked me for my phone number. was taken aback as I didnt expect to see him again... Expected never to hear from him ever again. The phone rang 2 days later...He did come clean the fact he was married with 2 young kids. That should have been my cue to turn on my heel and run as fast as I could. Unfortunatly and stupidly I agreed to meet up with him again. Why why why I will never know. ... he had an affair previously which ended 2 months before he met me and it ended as his wife found out. I thought this guy is crazy. ... When I went out with friends he would find the time to text me all night until he knew I was home. Well just after his confession I met another man {nothing serious} I told MM he went beserk. I thought who the hell ishe to tell me whom I can and cant see? Does he expect me to sit and wait on his calls? Err think not! Im the single 1 not him. That 1 went no where anyway but that jealous outburst confussed me. ... I discovered was pregnant and not a few weeks 14 weeks I couldnt talk for crying and found i hard to tell him. He didnt ask me to abort the baby and I never I am now 27 weeks pregnant. He complains about my smoking whilst pregnant and moaned when I considered giving the baby my ex hubbys surname... ... He winges about his wife alot... he spent his last 2 wedding anniverseries with my rather than being at home... he had a to-do in his car he phoned me rather than his wife... he won't socialise with her unless it's a wedding!... he said hes worried incase his wife finds out and wont allow him to see his kids!!!!! I would love to ge out of this situation but Im finding it really hard to walk away! WHY WHY WHY WHY? Why are you buying into this unhealthy situation with a man who you know is a no-good cheater to his W..? I think the clues are in those bits I've selected from your post above. For one thing you were happy-go-lucky when you met him, and had very low expectations (a one-night-stand). So initially he actually exceeded your expectations. Firstly by calling you (doesn't happen with a single guy after a ONS does it), and then by coming clean to you about his marital status when you probably expected him to lie. I'm guessing those two reasons where why you saw him again. Next, he gets jealous about you, also posessive. But you don't see that as a negative exactly... more about how he cares for you..? (guessing here, and maybe wrong), but he calls you to check where you are, didn't want another man's name for his baby, didn't like you dating someone else. Shows some kind of misguided 'caring' which you are not unresponsive to..? Oh, and he didn't ask you to abort the baby... again I'm guessing that that's something of a positive in your eyes... Then we have the way he doesn't seem to care for his wife. Doesn't go out with her, calls you when she is out, doesn't care about his wedding anniversary... etc. Compare that to his reactions to your dating someone and there you have something of WHY you're still buying into all this when you KNOW it's going nowhere. Even if it was going nowhere, what do you have? A man who started cheating with you 2 months (!!) after a d-day from another affair! A man who is posessive and jealous, has casual sex when married (can't even claim he fell for you after too many coffee breaks), fathers children all over the place... NOT a catch, by any standards. If you want to get out of this, and really don't want him in your baby's life, then I think you need to look long and hard about your feelings about men in general, and why this one seems (on some level) like a winner when he's really a very big loser who has NO respect for any woman in his life. Set your expectations of male behaviour a little higher..? Anyway, good luck with it all.
justice Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 The pregnancy was an accident. I have a teenager, no man to hold me back. People that know me know Im about as maternal as a mushroom. I also dont want him to leave his wife as I stated earlier. I dont want stuck with a man like that. sometimes our actions come back and bite us when we least expect it. Maybe someone embarking on an A will read whats happened to me and think twice. If you don't want to be stuck with a man like that then plain and simply, don't see him, don't take his calls, don't text him back. The only way to not get stuck is to get rid of him.
Author not_clever Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 well thanks guys for your perspective. I know what you are all saying is right and I have it sorted in my head. These dam pregnancy hormones sneek up on me from time to time. I think its time to sever all ties with MM whom will no doubt be caught up in this wrangle again pretty soon I guess. Same story diffrent cover.
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