Margot Posted April 2, 2003 Posted April 2, 2003 My boyfriend and I would have celebrated our 3rd anniversary in a few weeks. We've been through a really rough patch for the past year. We tried and tried to make it better, but then, once our careers starting getting of the ground, he in film on long projects, and me, in graduate school, he started treating me terribly. The past six months have been about me trying to change the negative things I do, criticize, sexually distant, quell fear, to the end of being more romantic, intimate and a better partner. He has tried the same. It hasn't worked Last night, after being gone for a week, and me on the brink of moving out of our home to go to graduate school, and he thinking about his carrer; he let me know that he decided that he wasn't in love with me, that he wasn't having fun and that part of the reason he's been distant, emotionally and physically, is that he feels sick when around me intimately. I've known this was coming, and had conflicting similar feelings myself. I always felt though that the we are great together and want the same things out of life, not to mention that he's a great guy who is generous and compassionate. So in all of this, trying to make sense of this ending, I don't know if I'm still in love with him. What does that mean? I can't figure it out? I've looked around on the web and read many things. What is being "in love"? I just don't know anymore, and feel like all of my reading, my feminism, and my life just haven't given me enough information to really know what that is. Thanks for reading?
Tony T Posted April 2, 2003 Posted April 2, 2003 I'm not going to take the time to define in love because you have described a situation that is clearly OVER. Your querry is irrelevant to the fact that your guy wants to terminate the relationship and it seems that should be done. Love can go back and forth all the time. What's more important than love is committment and your ex is more committed to his work than he is to you. You need to find someone who will consider you more special. I also think your ex lacks a lot of qualities necessary to have a long term relationship with anyone...the ability to communicate not being the least of them. If you're really interested in knowing what love is all about, click the link ahead to see what Kahlil Gibran wrote about it in "The Prophet" some years ago. Click here--->http://www.columbia.edu/~gm84/gibran2.html As far as defining what being "in love" actually means, it needs no definition. You'll know without any doubt when you get there. Good luck!!! Oh yeah, and by the way, love doesn't have a whole lot to do with it. If there isn't caring, committment, communication, shared goals, shared views about children, money, religion, etc., the ability to forgive, emotional stability, openmindedness, etc.,.......love won't do crap for you.
Kidd Seuss Posted April 2, 2003 Posted April 2, 2003 [color=darkred]If you don't know if you are in love with this guy or not, chances are you aren't in love. It sounds more like your mind tells you he's the perfect guy, but your heart tells you he's not the guy for you. And you can't have a loving relationship unless your heart and mind agree on the partner. Drew [/color]
HokeyReligions Posted April 2, 2003 Posted April 2, 2003 So in all of this, trying to make sense of this ending, I don't know if I'm still in love with him. What does that mean? I can't figure it out? I've looked around on the web and read many things. What is being "in love"? I just don't know anymore, and feel like all of my reading, my feminism, and my life just haven't given me enough information to really know what that is. There is no definition for love. It is different things to different people. But I feel that if you have to ask, then it's not love. Stop trying to make sense of the ending, and focus on the beginning - the beginning of your life now, your future. You are searching for an answer that doesn't exist. Love changes, it's flexible, it often has a beginning and and end, and its never the same way twice.
Leikela Posted April 2, 2003 Posted April 2, 2003 [color=indigo] Love is an emotion, that once you experience it, you'll never question it's existence. I think the simplest definition of love is when you show someone all of you, good and bad, and after all the bad, they still stick around. They accept every aspect of yourself. To me, that's true love. [/color]
Margot Posted April 3, 2003 Posted April 3, 2003 To all who replied: Thanks for your candor. I am still in shock, and my original post reflects it. This afternoon, when I came home crying from work he put an "option" out there. Background: Dismayed, I had previously asked graduate schools if I could come early if need be. I passed this on to K last night as were discussing his not wanting me. He seemed a little shocked, and as we talked through the day, he's brought it up several times. He isn't responding well to my calm. He expected me to abuse him like his last girlfriend or go crazy, whereas I've just cried a lot and tried to calm my stomach. So, when I got home this afternoon, he talked about what might happen now. As in, I'm financially strapped and have no where to go. He knows this, and is trying to be generous. However, although he doesn't want to commit to me or be "in love" with me due to voids he feels, he still wants me as a figure piece. For example, we are tight with another couple, they want to go camping, he wants "us" to go, and has suggested as much. He's also suggested that we still maintain our relationship in a minimized way-no commitment or stress, a kind of quasi arrangement whereby I assume we still sleep in the same bed, possibly sexual intimacy, but ultimately remain friends with an understanding that when I leave, whenever that is, it's over. I posed the question: What if you fall in love with me again? He had mentioned a tendency toward flippancy in the last year or so regarding "in love." He assured me that he wouldn't because there was no way he wanted a long distance relationship. Never mind that his line of work will render him away from home for months at a time, a few times a year. I am wondering at this point what to do with this knowledge. Is it right to put up with someone who you still care about in an "in love" kind of way, but know that the other person is at once using you and helping you out? Is it a situation where I should play on my individuality, and talk about moving out soon, as he had thought I might do? Is it right to diminish my feelings of love for him out of fear that I have no control of his reaction to it? Do I stay here? Do I fuel my resolve with all the negative past to ensure that I don't make a mistake? I'm very unsettled by his option. I can't say it isn't attractive given that we are comfortable with each other. I think that it stems from the idea that now that he has told me I could stay, he doesn't want me to move to the other end of the house, doesn't want me to separate myself from him in this house we shared. (I suggested something like that last night). I've told him I need to time to think it all through. He encourages me to do this, but I have a feeling it's more for his peace of mind than mine. Thanks for your thoughts and comments. Margot
Leikela Posted April 3, 2003 Posted April 3, 2003 [color=indigo] Margot, Your situation is taking an interesting turn. Now your boyfriend wants to act the part, but not actually play the part. If you choose to act along with him soley for financial reasons, it will end up affecting you in the long run. You can only play a part like that for so long before you can no longer bear it. It hurts to pretend to love and be with someone when there is nothing there. Also, love isn't governed by a particular situation. There are no conditions when it comes to love. If your boyfriend is going to fall back in love with you, it's going to be about YOU and not dependent upon the fact that he doesn't want a long distance relationship. That is just absurd. Is there any way you can live on your own and not be financially dependent on him? If you agree to these terms, it is just going to prolong the inevitable breakup and you will continue to live in agony. If you can get out while you still have a chance, I would recommend you do it. It will give you the chance and time to heal and move on and get a healthier head on your shoulders. [/color]
Margot Posted April 3, 2003 Posted April 3, 2003 Leikela and other posters, I am not able to leave right now. Financially, I'm stuck, and emotionally, this has happened so fast that I'm not sure if a rapid move out would be good for me. Yes, I agree that prolonged game of acting not doing would be devastating. I tried to address this in yesterday's conversation to no avail on the reality of such an option. For right now, I'm going to stay cool, maintain my space, and try to hold off on any major decision until I have figured out what I'm doing professionally. I have to decide my next week which graduate school I'll be attending. Moving out right now is too great an upset and hassle. Fortunately, there are guest bedrooms on the otherside of the house, so that either one of us can sleep elsewhere. I'm so grateful for your thoughs and advice--it's all being taken into consideration. At least Day 2 did not begin with lots of crying. Do you all know of way to explain the ways that its at once insulting and disheartening that he wants to act but not do with me? As in have a relationship based on mutuality and comfort rather than total commitment to a future. Thank you, Margot
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