katla Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 My ex and I called it off about a year ago because I wanted an exclusive relationship and he didn't, with anyone. He still isn't in one, though we've kept in contact about once a month since then and pursued the "FWB" thing. I knew full well that he wasn't looking for anything more because he told me so from the beginning, so I can hardly say that I feel used or victimized, just a little bruised and battered from unrequited love. I've been suffering from a serious mood disorder since I was a child, too, which certainly didn't help guide me in the most sensible direction to make, to end the FWB thing with him, go N/C, and try to heal and recover from the emotional mess that I was in. I finally did, last week, a few days after he'd invited me over and we slept together yet again after several months of being apart. I went the extra mile, though: I changed my phone number, in part because I'm a coward and didn't want to tell him (for the SECOND time after my failed attempt about seven months ago) that I could no longer see him any more. Call it pride for not wanting to show him that I still had feelings for him, or passive-aggressiveness because I no longer wanted to deal with his drunk-dials. It was absolutely the best decision I could make for my own well-being. But now of course I'm feeling horribly guilty for breaking it off without telling him. It was an instintive reaction to the pain I felt when I FINALLY came to the realization that, though he may have "liked" me, I was ultimately just a booty call. I want to write a letter of explanation, without the drama that typically goes into those things. But does he deserve one, or am I just continuing to cater to his needs and wants instead of my own yet again? I know that ultimately my decision to write a letter to my ex has to come from within, but I am literally physically ill just thinking about it. After several nights of tossing and turning and looking at the pros and cons of writing to this guy, I'm still no closer to an answer than I was a week before. PLEASE help.
sedgwick Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 I'd say just send him an email saying that, at least for the time being, you need to go your separate ways. Tell him you feel this is what you need for your own well-being, wish him well, and be done with it. You don't need to give him a big long story, just a couple of sentences.
kirikat Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 I would say that changing your number and going N/C is CLEARLY telling him where you are at. From you letter, it seems to me that you have talked and talked and talked, and he hasn't moved an inch (he hasnt had to....). He KNOWS full well how you feel, how this relationship has hurt you, and what your expectations are.... but you have never really demanded the respect you deserve, so he hasn't respected you either. If he wants you - ON YOUR TERMS - he can find you. I promise you, he can. I know how bad this hurts (I did more or less the same thing for the same reasons about a month ago now....), but you are doing the right thing. He doesn't need closure... he needs a swift kick in the a** for not respecting your feelings, and being willing to continue using you when he knew full well what your feelings towards him are. Its time to leave this boy, and go find the relationship you want and need. You cannot be FWB with someone you are in love with...
Author katla Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 You are right, kirikat, we DID talk and talk and talk -- and the talking often led to nowhere. Heh, in fact, when I suggested that it might not be a good idea to be in contact with each other anymore shortly after I caught him spooning a female "friend" of his while I was over at his place, he couldn't understand why. Could he really be that dense?? Bizarre anecdotes aside... I guess I'm still also struggling with the fact that I told him all kinds of bull**** the last time we were together about how I couldn't really judge him for his self-confessed selfishness when I couldn't name a single friend of mine with whom I didn't find a fault and when I had "planets" of faults of my own. Granted, I was a little drunk at the time. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel like I pulled a fast one on him by rejecting him after essentially telling him that I'm okay with who he is. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill with this one?
kirikat Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Nah - you were / are in love, and you were trying to find a way to hold on. Don't give yourself a hard time. I pretended to be OK with a lot of stuff too - I even made myself beleive it. I talked a lot of nonsense, just to try and 'stay in the game' - Now I am really busy giving myself serious sh*t for being so stupid and disloyal to myself. (Dont do what Im doing, its bad!). You fell in love with someone who is emotionally unavailable. It happens. The interesting thing is to try and explore the why of that - (without judging yourself!!!). I kind of figured that the reason I fell in love with someone who was emotionally unavailable is because I wasn't really ready myself... and just maybe I had the guts to break up with him because... well - maybe I'm getting there, if you know what I mean.
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