Going backwards....

[uniqueone]

I'm actually doing worse than before. I'm more depressed and keep thinking about him lately. I'm thinking about contacting him---or trying to.

 

And then this morning I had to see this news story about something in his area they just opened up and I know it's going to give him a lot more opportunity to see all of his women "friends" and meet new ones.

 

Why does he have such an easy life?

[Curious139]

I know what you mean, it sems that way doesn't it. I can picture my ex with her new partner, she has a job promotion, I'm sure her friends approve of the new guy, she is happy..........and I'm in misery and despair. Its just awful.

 

However life isn't really like that most of the time. Your ex and mine will still be having the normal frustrations of life, little disappointments, annoyances etc.

 

The best thing is to try and put him out of your mind. Easier said than done but keep busy, be among other people, exercise. It all helps.

[Lizzie60]

I'm actually doing worse than before. I'm more depressed and keep thinking about him lately. I'm thinking about contacting him---or trying to.

 

And then this morning I had to see this news story about something in his area they just opened up and I know it's going to give him a lot more opportunity to see all of his women "friends" and meet new ones.

 

Why does he have such an easy life?

 

Let's say you contact him... then what? Will that prevent him from going to that place and see all those women? I don't think so....

 

You're better off without him... jealousy will eat you alive... move on... don't break the NC or you'll go backwards and be even more miserable.

[uniqueone]

Let's say you contact him... then what? Will that prevent him from going to that place and see all those women? I don't think so....

 

You're better off without him... jealousy will eat you alive... move on... don't break the NC or you'll go backwards and be even more miserable.

 

So no matter what, it all goes well for him then?

[uniqueone]

I'm really feeling just horrible right now. I know people here have told me that it wasn't me....it was him. But even after what he did, I still have my doubts..because there he is with his great life and plenty of people.....and here I am with crap...just total crap.

 

And what made me so terribly upset right now was trying to talk to my mom about it. I don't know why I bother....I should know it doesn't ever make me feel better after talking to her. But I didn't have anyone else to go to.

 

I told her maybe it's me and not him and she tells me she's not sure. She's never met him or anything and only knows what I've told her. She knows what he did to me when I went to see him. And that's the answer she gives me. It's not the first time she's done this either.

 

How can she say that after knowing how he treated me? This is the attitude that i grew up with. This is what gave me my great self-esteem.

[uniqueone]

I guess I'm going to contact him. NC isn't helping.

[directx]

You sure you want to do that?

Have you contacted him already?

 

I wouldn't

[madgun68]

I'm really feeling just horrible right now. I know people here have told me that it wasn't me....it was him. But even after what he did, I still have my doubts..because there he is with his great life and plenty of people.....and here I am with crap...just total crap.

Do you not think someone can treat the people they know in their personal life like crap yet lead a successful life?

 

Have you never seen a news segment where someone has done something horrible yet, when the reporter speaks to all the neighbors, they are all in shock? They appear in disbelief that the person they knew could have done such a thing.

 

This guy shows people the parts of himself that he wants them to see.

 

And what made me so terribly upset right now was trying to talk to my mom about it. I don't know why I bother....I should know it doesn't ever make me feel better after talking to her. But I didn't have anyone else to go to.

 

I told her maybe it's me and not him and she tells me she's not sure. She's never met him or anything and only knows what I've told her. She knows what he did to me when I went to see him. And that's the answer she gives me. It's not the first time she's done this either.

Could not say for sure, but this would lead one to suspect your mother has not had the best of luck with the men in her life either.

 

How can she say that after knowing how he treated me? This is the attitude that i grew up with. This is what gave me my great self-esteem.

How can she say what she did knowing how this man treated you? If she has self-image problems, then she has probably passed some of those on to you. You even said as much as that in the last line of your post.

[madgun68]

I guess I'm going to contact him. NC isn't helping.

Please, Uniqueone, think long and hard about this before doing so.

 

If you go ahead an contact him, you are giving him permission to mistreat you. Doesn't matter if he abuses you. You are excusing it. It wouldn't even suprise me if his behavior worsens and the abuse worsens. As far as he's concerned, he hasn't crossed the line.

 

Even if I were to allow for the possibility that you were partly to blame for his behavior, it does not excuse his actions. Has he ever, EVER, expressed remorse for how he treated you? No.

 

Your actions, if you do this, go a long way in saying how you feel about yourself. This is what worries me most of all.

[funkybassplayer]

I'm really feeling just horrible right now. I know people here have told me that it wasn't me....it was him. But even after what he did, I still have my doubts..because there he is with his great life and plenty of people.....and here I am with crap...just total crap.

 

And what made me so terribly upset right now was trying to talk to my mom about it. I don't know why I bother....I should know it doesn't ever make me feel better after talking to her. But I didn't have anyone else to go to.

 

I told her maybe it's me and not him and she tells me she's not sure. She's never met him or anything and only knows what I've told her. She knows what he did to me when I went to see him. And that's the answer she gives me. It's not the first time she's done this either.

 

How can she say that after knowing how he treated me? This is the attitude that i grew up with. This is what gave me my great self-esteem.

 

 

 

The reason thats your feeling like this is b/c this has brought up issues within yourself, and i think that you may need to address these, and you may find that you will feel alot more content. I dont think a man is the answer to the true problem that is in you. I say this, cos you sound very unhappy, and its only you that has choose to walkdown that rought. You can turn back, and get on the right road again, but that has to be from you. No one else.

[frd150]

So no matter what, it all goes well for him then?

 

 

Hey Unique,

 

I hope when you read this that you are feeling stronger. You know my lack of contact with her has made me able to focus on myself more. Ill feel fine then she calls. If I answer I end up sliding back abit. I still wish to reconcile but it has to come from her and there is no blood coming out of that turnip, at least right now.

 

I love her so much still but its best that I keep working on myself. In the last week or so my brain and heart have started to work more as one unit. I actually feel comfortable with the thought of being with someone else. Its a wierd uncontrolable feeling. I think I got there through focusing so much on myself. I was feeling selfish for doing it but you know ...its helped a ton. Im taking my life off hold.

 

Have you met up with any new people? Have you been able to duck the old man:p?

 

If you have gone this long then I would say stay strong. Start to move on with your life. whan you do this it is usually when they re-appear. At least thats what Im told.

 

Big Hug. We have your back.

 

FRD

[Lizzie60]

I guess I'm going to contact him. NC isn't helping.

 

Contact him...

 

The fact that he's around people eats you alive... you are jealous... and that's the only reason you want to contact him.... you think that this will make him loves you and that it will stop him from seeing other women.. LOL you better think again.. and stop blaming the world for feeling so miserable, it's your choice to contact him or not...

[wwjd]

I guess I'm going to contact him. NC isn't helping.

 

so, did you contact him? if you did, how did it go? if you didn't, are you still going to?

 

what do you think you will achieve by contacting him, unique?

[uniqueone]

You sure you want to do that?

Have you contacted him already?

 

I wouldn't

 

 

Nabisco???

 

I haven't contacted him in quite awhile. Actually, as of today, I have a reason now...it'll be sent to a group of people but will include him........

 

 

Keebler

[uniqueone]

Do you not think someone can treat the people they know in their personal life like crap yet lead a successful life?

 

Have you never seen a news segment where someone has done something horrible yet, when the reporter speaks to all the neighbors, they are all in shock? They appear in disbelief that the person they knew could have done such a thing.

 

This guy shows people the parts of himself that he wants them to see.

 

Could not say for sure, but this would lead one to suspect your mother has not had the best of luck with the men in her life either.

 

How can she say what she did knowing how this man treated you? If she has self-image problems, then she has probably passed some of those on to you. You even said as much as that in the last line of your post.

 

 

That's the thing though.....my mom had a long, long marriage....until he died. He had some problems but there wasn't cheating or drinking or stuff like that. He had a temper though.

 

I talked to her today and asked her why she says that to me and she told me that she'd already told me in the past that he was a jerk. Ok, well that conflicts with what she said yesterday. Yesterday she told me she couldn't tell me if it was me or if it was him because she wasn't there at the time. I tell her how she's contradicting herself and then she tells me she doesn't want to keep talking about this.

 

These constant mixed messages are what I grew with. I always wished I had a parent that was "pro-me". If you grow up not feeling like your parents are on your side....or you aren't sure if they are....or one minute the are and the next minute they aren't.....it can make you pretty insecure.

 

I told her that by her saying that she didn't know it was me or not....after knowing what he did to me.....it told me that I don't have much value to her.

 

That's what gets me so depressed. Not feeling like I have much value.

[uniqueone]

Please, Uniqueone, think long and hard about this before doing so.

 

If you go ahead an contact him, you are giving him permission to mistreat you. Doesn't matter if he abuses you. You are excusing it. It wouldn't even suprise me if his behavior worsens and the abuse worsens. As far as he's concerned, he hasn't crossed the line.

 

Even if I were to allow for the possibility that you were partly to blame for his behavior, it does not excuse his actions. Has he ever, EVER, expressed remorse for how he treated you? No.

 

Your actions, if you do this, go a long way in saying how you feel about yourself. This is what worries me most of all.

 

I guess I think about the good parts about him. I also think how I must have hurt him by things I said. They were nothing that people should be so hurt over but he's extremely sensitive. The only thing that he would really be justified in being so hurt over is if he thought I was being critical of him for not being able to have sex. I wasn't...but I don't know how he took what I said.

[uniqueone]

Hey Unique,

 

I hope when you read this that you are feeling stronger. You know my lack of contact with her has made me able to focus on myself more. Ill feel fine then she calls. If I answer I end up sliding back abit. I still wish to reconcile but it has to come from her and there is no blood coming out of that turnip, at least right now.

 

I love her so much still but its best that I keep working on myself. In the last week or so my brain and heart have started to work more as one unit. I actually feel comfortable with the thought of being with someone else. Its a wierd uncontrolable feeling. I think I got there through focusing so much on myself. I was feeling selfish for doing it but you know ...its helped a ton. Im taking my life off hold.

 

Have you met up with any new people? Have you been able to duck the old man:p?

 

If you have gone this long then I would say stay strong. Start to move on with your life. whan you do this it is usually when they re-appear. At least thats what Im told.

 

Big Hug. We have your back.

 

FRD

 

Thanks FRD

 

But you can move on because you've got a good social life...you meet people easily.

 

Heck, I'm not even getting responses on my personal ad lately....NONE!

 

It's not that I want to jump into a relationship, but if I'd meet people-- and if I clicked with them--- it'd probably take my mind off of him.

[uniqueone]

so, did you contact him? if you did, how did it go? if you didn't, are you still going to?

 

what do you think you will achieve by contacting him, unique?

 

No...I didn't yet. These things take time.....it has to be thought out.

 

I think I might.

 

It might achieve conversation again....it might achieve peace......it might achieve understanding.

[directx]

Unique one, I would sleep on it for awhile. Maybe a few days before contacting him. A few days couldn't hurt, right?

 

I still think you should keep NC, but thats just my opinion

[uniqueone]

Unique one, I would sleep on it for awhile. Maybe a few days before contacting him. A few days couldn't hurt, right?

 

I still think you should keep NC, but thats just my opinion

 

I just found out today that something I submitted got selected to be published somewhere. I'm going to send it out to a group of people (friends, colleagues, etc....) once I get the link for it sometime next week. I was just going to slip him into the mass mailing. A bit of gloating.

[underpants]

I just found out today that something I submitted got selected to be published somewhere. I'm going to send it out to a group of people (friends, colleagues, etc....) once I get the link for it sometime next week. I was just going to slip him into the mass mailing. A bit of gloating.

 

You can do that, however I don't get the vibe that much will come from it. It could even potentially set you back. Also, don't you think he might be smart enough to see through it? Do you want to stroke his ego?

 

I know how discouraging the all alone and single life can be. There and doing it and making the T shirt.

 

Don't get so discouraged that you go backwards though, especially with someone who could let you go so easily.

 

So the personals thing is in a lull right now. Get out and do stuff, even if it is alone. I went out today and while my man fans were not ripping at my clothes or jumping on my vehicle and screaming and crying for me to bear their children....I tried to pretend to myself that they were.

 

I did get some nods and some craning necks and even a double take that made me wonder if I had something on my face. These affirmations were good enough for me...today.

 

I think you are funny and you seem like a very strong person. I would like to see you strive for more then ...some guy who didn't recognize a good thing when he had it.

 

Hold out for better I say.

[madgun68]

That's the thing though.....my mom had a long, long marriage....until he died. He had some problems but there wasn't cheating or drinking or stuff like that. He had a temper though.

Yeah. My father and step-mother were married quite a while too.. But it doesn't mean a functioning family like someone might expect.

 

It wasn't until I was 18 that I started to get along with my step-mother. As for my father, he was emotionally unavailable and a workaholic.

 

I talked to her today and asked her why she says that to me and she told me that she'd already told me in the past that he was a jerk. Ok, well that conflicts with what she said yesterday. Yesterday she told me she couldn't tell me if it was me or if it was him because she wasn't there at the time. I tell her how she's contradicting herself and then she tells me she doesn't want to keep talking about this.

So she has always been sending out confusing messages like this?

 

These constant mixed messages are what I grew with. I always wished I had a parent that was "pro-me". If you grow up not feeling like your parents are on your side....or you aren't sure if they are....or one minute the are and the next minute they aren't.....it can make you pretty insecure.

I can, at least in part, understand.

 

I used to have a lot of problems with insecurities myself. Even now, it's not too hard to fall back in to that pattern of thinking.

 

I told her that by her saying that she didn't know it was me or not....after knowing what he did to me.....it told me that I don't have much value to her.

I've had to deal with that myself. My uncle used to badmouth me to my father when they spoke on the telephone. My fathers typical responce? "Yeah.. you're right."

 

Stinks doesn't it?

 

That's what gets me so depressed. Not feeling like I have much value.

You should take some time and think about this: Taking insecurities with you in to a relationship can cause it to fail. You should strongly consider some sort of help. If you don't think counseling would help, at least try a self-help book or two. Things such as this can drive people away, but they can also cause a person to attract the wrong people.

[madgun68]

I guess I think about the good parts about him. I also think how I must have hurt him by things I said. They were nothing that people should be so hurt over but he's extremely sensitive. The only thing that he would really be justified in being so hurt over is if he thought I was being critical of him for not being able to have sex. I wasn't...but I don't know how he took what I said.

You aren't being fair to yourself.

 

This guy treated you like dirt, but at every opportunity you overlook that and only consider how you made him feel.

 

If you don't take a stand on sticking up for yourself at some point, who else is going to? You need to start putting yourself first. Other people aren't going to stick up for you if you first aren't willing to do it for yourself.

[frd150]

Thanks FRD

 

But you can move on because you've got a good social life...you meet people easily.

 

Heck, I'm not even getting responses on my personal ad lately....NONE!

 

It's not that I want to jump into a relationship, but if I'd meet people-- and if I clicked with them--- it'd probably take my mind off of him.

 

I still do not think ive completely moved on,actually I think that I have become good at providing myself with distractions. As far as meeting people easily I think from chatting with you here that you would be able to do it just as easily.

 

I was sort of an intravert before. Shy and whatnot. I just told myself that this was one of the things I had to work on. Mind over matter. But unique, it still does not make up for loosing her.

 

;)

 

FRD

[uniqueone]

You can do that, however I don't get the vibe that much will come from it. It could even potentially set you back. Also, don't you think he might be smart enough to see through it? Do you want to stroke his ego?

 

I know how discouraging the all alone and single life can be. There and doing it and making the T shirt.

 

Don't get so discouraged that you go backwards though, especially with someone who could let you go so easily.

 

So the personals thing is in a lull right now. Get out and do stuff, even if it is alone. I went out today and while my man fans were not ripping at my clothes or jumping on my vehicle and screaming and crying for me to bear their children....I tried to pretend to myself that they were.

 

I did get some nods and some craning necks and even a double take that made me wonder if I had something on my face. These affirmations were good enough for me...today.

 

I think you are funny and you seem like a very strong person. I would like to see you strive for more then ...some guy who didn't recognize a good thing when he had it.

 

Hold out for better I say.

 

 

At one point, he didn't see me as successful. That's why I'd like to throw this in his face. How would he be seeing it as me trying to get his attention--esp. when there are tons of email addresses it's sent to?

 

I actually thought I'd try a few things and if they didn't get responses from him, then I might do something mean. Not really mean actually....let's just say I have information that he wants.

 

As for striving for more...well he was tops in just about everything. I think he did start to recognize things in me right before we got together again. I feel like I let it slip through my fingers.

 

And you say to hold out for better? Maybe in your neighborhood there's lot of "better" but not where I live.

 

Another thing....you say to get out and "do stuff". What stuff are you referring to?