When to cut the cord?

[dropdeadlegs]

My 18 year old daughter graduated from high school in May and has a full time job earning minimum wage. Because I have been a stay at home Mom the last two years, I didn't ask her to do anything around the house other than putting her dirty laundry in the laundry room and generally keep up her bedroom. I pay for her cell phone as an additional line on my plan. My contract with AT&T is up and can be changed. She recently bought a car and I agreed to cover the first 6 months of insurance. Her medical insurance will expire on her 19th birthday in February.

 

My question is at what point does a parent start making an adult child responsible for things that they will ultimately have to be responsible for? How long does a parent foot their bills and expenses? My 21 year old son moved out of my home and into his fathers at 16. I have never paid for his cell phone, car insurance, or his medical expenses beyond his 19th birthday. He has always been responsible for his own expenses, but he wasn't living with me and who knows how that would have differed if he had been.

 

My daughter has no intention of continuing her education. I do not intend to ask her to move out or anything, but I have plans to move in with my BF in a few months, probably by Christmas. I told my daughter about this and she wasn't happy that she would no longer have her own room and is considering moving back to her Dad's place (she lived with him her junior year.) Her Dad has plenty of room, but has a GF living with him that my daughter doesn't like. This GF has an obvious drug problem. I don't want my daughter to go there, but I can understand her desire to have her own room. She thinks her dad will kick out the GF if my daughter agrees to live with him as part of the deal. (Apparently he is already on the verge of kicking the GF out, but he talks a lot and acts very little. I believe that he may be involved in the drug usage himself.)

 

My BF has a 17 year old daughter who has no problem with the room sharing. She will graduate in May 2009. She has always had her own room at her Mom's home, and at her Dad's home. She lives with her mother and stays at her Dad's every other weekend and some weeks during the summer. That would mean my daughter would have her own room most of the time. Still, I feel bad, like I'm abandoning my daughter's needs and placing mine first. On the other hand, many families have had situations where children never had a room to themselves.

 

I don't know if I'm being selfish in wanting to take my love relationship to the next level. I also wonder when a child should be responsible for themselves. I lived with my parents until I was 20 and paid my own car expenses and insurance. I did not have a cell phone. My mother still did most of the laundry, although I would do a load if I wanted something washed.

 

So, what do you think? I want to prepare this girl for the real world, but I don't want her to feel I am pushing her out of the nest abruptly, either. I also don't want her to feel that I am choosing a man over her.

 

For the record, she loves my BF and said that she is happy that we are moving to a new level of commitment. In her words "you two have something special and I think it's a forever kind of thing."

[melodymatters]

Hey DDL !

 

I don't know that I have any great advice, but can't leave a friend hanging !

 

I think what you are doing is fine. If your daughters works and basically has her sh*t together, then helping her with things like a cell phone or insurance is fine if you can afford it.

 

But no, you shouldn't base your decision to move in with your long term SO, on an 18 yr old wanting her own room.

 

It sounds like you have a good relationship with her, so that if you sit down woman to woman, she'll probably realize that putting your, your BF's , the younger kids, plans all on hold for a young adult ( who's probably not even HOME that much) would be really selfish.

 

Just keep the lines of communication open.And good luck !!!!

[yergawd]

DDL- IMO you are looking at the situation as though you have more control than you really do, no offense. Your daughter will make her own decisions regarding her future. It is up to her to decide which of the options she wants to go with. This is 'cutting the cord.' She knows the options and the pros and cons of each.

I don't think parents ever really cut the cord. I still rely on my folks when I need to wether it be for advice or if a financial emergency arises and I'm 29. As long as your daughter knows that you will be there for her, let her make decisions and mistakes. Discuss with her what the +/- are on each decision's she asks for advice on. Let her know she needs to be sure of her decision because it is hers to make and you'll be there for her but she is growing up and needs to look at consequences.

[dropdeadlegs]

Hey DDL !

 

I don't know that I have any great advice, but can't leave a friend hanging !

 

I think what you are doing is fine. If your daughters works and basically has her sh*t together, then helping her with things like a cell phone or insurance is fine if you can afford it.

 

But no, you shouldn't base your decision to move in with your long term SO, on an 18 yr old wanting her own room.

 

It sounds like you have a good relationship with her, so that if you sit down woman to woman, she'll probably realize that putting your, your BF's , the younger kids, plans all on hold for a young adult ( who's probably not even HOME that much) would be really selfish.

 

Just keep the lines of communication open.And good luck !!!!

Thanks mm.

 

It helps to have the opinion of someone who knows quite a bit about my situation and background. It's hard to put every piece of important information into one post without writing my life story.

 

DDL- IMO you are looking at the situation as though you have more control than you really do, no offense. Your daughter will make her own decisions regarding her future. It is up to her to decide which of the options she wants to go with. This is 'cutting the cord.' She knows the options and the pros and cons of each.

I don't think parents ever really cut the cord. I still rely on my folks when I need to wether it be for advice or if a financial emergency arises and I'm 29. As long as your daughter knows that you will be there for her, let her make decisions and mistakes. Discuss with her what the +/- are on each decision's she asks for advice on. Let her know she needs to be sure of her decision because it is hers to make and you'll be there for her but she is growing up and needs to look at consequences.

Thanks to you too, yergawd. I completely understand that I don't have control of her decision of where to live. I give her lots of leeway on making choices and know that she is a legal adult here. I always try to point out the positive and negative sides of any choice.

 

Some additional info might be helpful to those who read this.

 

While I can afford to help, I am really looking at beginning to let more of her expenses be hers. There has to be a point where a parent decides it's time to do that and I'm having some difficulty determining when that time is for me so I'm asking the opinions of others. If she was in college I feel things would be different, but as she is choosing the straight to the workforce option I want her to be clear and understand that option. I do not expect her to be self sufficient and able to afford all that goes with having her own place, but I would also like to see more of my income for my use. Of course I will help her when necessary, but when my parents helped me out, I considered that a loan, not an expectation. I lived in their home until I was 20, but my clothing purchases, my (eye) contacts, my vehicle; all of those were my responsibility. Except that my Mom still did most of the laundry.

 

I did not feel it was unfair to me and did not expect those things to be paid by my parents when I was technically an adult.

 

I am wondering how other parents feel in regards to expenses they have covered, and at what point they should become the responsibility of the "adult " child.

 

As for the pros and cons of her choice of where to live, she has lived with her father before and knows what that entails. I do a lot for her in the way of laundry, food purchase and preparation, scheduling and handling things like appointments and insurance. Basically I still "mother" her. He puts a roof over her head and almost nothing more. She knows that will likely be her environment once again.

 

I don't want to coddle my kids. I want them to take control of their own lives at some point, yet I don't want them to feel I have abandoned them or thrown them into the world unprepared either.

 

Maybe I'm making too big of a deal out of it all. I tend to overanalyze at times. I also have problems with feelings of guilt that aren't always mine to bear.

[redfathom]

I posted on here about 30 min ago on a similar topic. My BIL is 22 and still lives with me and my husband. We helped him while he went to college but he just graduated. Like your daughter, we have him on our cell phone plan, he pay $25 for his line. We have him on our insurance (through our carrier) he pays his portion. He pays us $200 rent, no food money, no utlity money, ect. His car in primarily in my husbands name, which he was suppose to change to his own name after a year, it's been three.

 

I am 25 and he has lived with my husband and me for six years. So figure when I was 19, i was married, had a fulltime job, car payment, ect. Now my husband and I have owned our own home for almost three years. Could I do it with out my husband, not as much, but could I have my own place, car, cell ect. You bet!!! Even at 19 I could. Lot's of kids do it every day. My friend goes to school fulltime, works part-time and has a roommate. She has been doing this since 18.

 

I think in my situation, my husband babied his brother (we fought about it a lot in the begining). And I think it has weakend him. We tried to get him on his own cell plan after he graduated college but he said it was too expensive. He does not know how to cook, shop, clean, ect. Because we did all that for him.

 

Now it's time to send him out in the real world, my post is similar as in when is the right time and how to do it. of couse my situation is different, but like you I want to move on with my life and enjoy being married and living with just my husband which fo rthe last five years of marriage we have not had.

 

Like you said, we mother him too and now he does not know how to do it on his own.

[dropdeadlegs]

redfathom,

 

Reading your post has given me some insight. When you stated that if your BIL can't afford a cell phone, I realized that a cell is not a need, it is a convenience. I certainly didn't have one as a teenager. I don't even mind her staying on my plan, but I intend to lower my package minutes quite a bit (I don't use many but went with a 1000 package based on my former carrier not having mobile-to-mobile or rollover minutes, as well as a teenage daughter with no track record.) The extra line fee is $15.00 and she has a text plan. I think she can afford $20.00 monthly even on her small wages. She can go with me and choose her options as she feels she can afford them. That is better than obtaining her own plan (with no credit record that might be dicey, or pricey) and I could still accomplish gearing her towards an eventual break with my plan.

 

I already told her that she can stay on my car insurance but will be required to pay her portion in March. It is almost $600 every 6 months and would break down to $100 monthly and she will have time to save that between now and then. I pay my insurance in full. To get her own policy would cost three times as much. Her net pay is about $700 monthly.

 

I'm feeling much better about all of this. Thanks to all who have taken the time to respond. I still welcome any ideas and opinions. I have probably neglected to think about some things at all.

[Touche]

My H and I have never paid for my stepson's car insurance. Nor did his mother. We all felt that if he was old enough to have a car, then he's old enough to bear the full responsibility that goes along with it. He got a job in high school and has always paid his own insurance.

 

He's 20 and in college now. He has his own apartment. He pays for his own food and all of his expenses. We help out every semester with books. He worked all summer and saved up and works part-time during the school year.

 

In my opinion, you should not put your life on hold. She's an adult now. It's time to cut her loose. She's made the decision to not pursue college so she has to support herself now. I don't agree with yergawd. It IS your choice whether she lives with you or not at this point.

 

The only way I'll allow my son to live with us when he's 18 is if he attends school locally. If he decides to not go to school (which I'd have a real problem with) then he's on his own literally.

 

You know, if she sees how tough it is out there on her own, she just might re-consider college or junior college at least. And that's when I'd help her. But not now.

[dropdeadlegs]

Thanks for chiming in, Touche.

 

The insurance was kind of my graduation gift. I didn't give her anything in May other than some flowers and chocolates because she had saved for her own car (I loaned her the taxes, transfer fees, but she is paying me back $50 weekly) and I thought she deserved something for graduation.

 

As I have stated, I wasn't given a free ride in these areas myself, and i believe that I am a better, more responsible person for being expected to pay my own way. I also didn't take things for granted having earned them myself.

 

I don't mind putting a roof over her head or even feeding her. I just want to put into motion the idea of self sufficiency. Maybe if I had led her to believe that it was college or "life", she would have made more effort and had more desire to continue her education. Me, I did one year of college , coasted for about a year and a half, then got married. A decision I have had to live with.

 

I think yergawd was referring to me having no control over her living with her Dad. I don't like that idea because I don't like his current lifestyle (I think he is on crack. I know his GF is), but I'm realizing that she still has a choice and that it's up to her to decide where she feels the grass is greener. Since that (a choice) is more than she would have with you, I guess she should feel lucky! Seriously, I appreciate and respect your opinion. Thank you, again.

[IpAncA]

I didn't have to pay for everything until I was out and living on my own and could afford it. My parents weren't the type to just leave me hanging.

 

When I was living with them, I paid for anything I could or at least helped. I think I started helping pay for things when I started college freshman year. By the same I was in upper college, I was paying for everyone on my own and if I couldn't, my parents backed me up.

 

I was responsible for my stuff but if I ever needed help, they were there and they always kept their word. Plus I was good at paying them back they didn't have a problem with it.

[Touche]

Thanks for chiming in, Touche.

 

The insurance was kind of my graduation gift. I didn't give her anything in May other than some flowers and chocolates because she had saved for her own car (I loaned her the taxes, transfer fees, but she is paying me back $50 weekly) and I thought she deserved something for graduation.

 

As I have stated, I wasn't given a free ride in these areas myself, and i believe that I am a better, more responsible person for being expected to pay my own way. I also didn't take things for granted having earned them myself.

 

I don't mind putting a roof over her head or even feeding her. I just want to put into motion the idea of self sufficiency. Maybe if I had led her to believe that it was college or "life", she would have made more effort and had more desire to continue her education. Me, I did one year of college , coasted for about a year and a half, then got married. A decision I have had to live with.

 

I think yergawd was referring to me having no control over her living with her Dad. I don't like that idea because I don't like his current lifestyle (I think he is on crack. I know his GF is), but I'm realizing that she still has a choice and that it's up to her to decide where she feels the grass is greener. Since that (a choice) is more than she would have with you, I guess she should feel lucky! Seriously, I appreciate and respect your opinion. Thank you, again.

 

You're welcome, DDL. That was nice of you to say. And I understand yergawd's comments now.

 

But here's what troubles me:

 

I don't mind putting a roof over her head or even feeding her. I just want to put into motion the idea of self sufficiency.

 

To me that sounds contradictory, DDL. What is the best way to "put into motion the idea of self-sufficiency?" By actually letting her BE self-sufficient. It's the only way. You and I were raised the same way in that regard. We were MADE by default to become self-sufficient. My mom didn't house me and feed me until such time as I decided I should become independent because she thought I should. I was forced to. I had no choice. A mother bird PUSHES the baby bird out of the nest. She doesn't let it hang around until it's ready on it's own. It's the only way. And by doing so you're doing your job as a mom. It's our number job as parents to make our kids grow up to become independent and productive.

 

As for the insurance gift..yes, that makes sense. I mean that's a great graduation present.

[dropdeadlegs]

Thanks for your input, IpAncA.

 

I think we all agree that while continuing your education a parent should assist as much as financially possible. It is difficult to afford college expenses with a part time job.

 

I don't intend to cut her off completely, I just think she needs to realize that life isn't cheap and minimum wage isn't lucrative. That or I need to start pushing her towards educated men with income potential. The ones she currently hangs out with are minimally employed, or are college students themselves.

 

I am not wealthy and live pay to pay myself with no savings. I am always looking for ways to cut back and start saving.

[dropdeadlegs]

To me that sounds contradictory, DDL. What is the best way to "put into motion the idea of self-sufficiency?" By actually letting her BE self-sufficient. It's the only way.

A mother bird PUSHES the baby bird out of the nest. She doesn't let it hang around until it's ready on it's own. It's the only way. And by doing so you're doing your job as a mom. It's our number job as parents to make our kids grow up to become independent and productive.

I realize this, but in all honesty I haven't been preparing for this time very well. I'm feeling like since I haven't done my job properly that I need to make some compromises. I have a young friend who was completely abandoned by her parents financially and emotionally and I do not want that to be my daughters experience. My friend was even attending college as best as she could, but the hardships and realities of the world have taken a toll on her. I would help her if she would let me, so I feel the same desire to help my daughter.

 

I'm not saying it's right, but I live in an area (don't we all?) where the high school kids drive nicer cars than I do. In some ways I feel like I have given so much to my children, and in other ways I don't feel like I have given them nearly enough of a leg up. This is not because I don't want to, but because I have limited myself by my own choices. I still think that in many ways it is best to earn your own way, not to have everything handed to you. Still I sometimes feel guilty for my own shortcomings and lack of ability to have done better in some ways.

 

I like where this thread is going, though. I'm getting what I want, lots of opinions, ideas, and experiences. It gives me the ability to look at things from many angles, some of which I haven't experienced myself.

[Touche]

If we're talking about the same friend, it's clear that she was abandoned emotionally. To my way of thinking that's way more serious and damaging that being abandoned financially. Her parents no longer had an obligation to her financially, IMO. But they did have an obligation to her emotionally in my mind. They dropped the ball on that count.

 

As for the example of the high school kids in your area. It's irrelevant. They're obviously spoiled. Boy do I remember those days in high school. I grew up in a very wealthy, upscale neighborhood. The kids all got cars at 16..fancy cars at that. Me? I bought a moped with money from my after school job. Did I resent that at the time, damn straight. But now I understand. And she will too some day.

 

Don't make excuses, DDL for doing your job as a parent. Sometimes, no most of the time, being a good parent means doing the thing that is harder to do.

 

Let her go, DDL. She may stumble a bit but she'll find her wings. Just like our friend will some day soon.

[Kasan]

My kids had part time jobs in the summer and paid for all their clothes and activities that they did with their friends. They bought their own cars, and paid for the extra money charged on the insurance policy.

 

I guess we were kind of hard on them, if they weren't going to college then they needed to work full-time. When they lived with us after high school they paid room and board and did their own laundry.

 

I my son loved it--he left when he was 24--we never thought he would leave.

 

The kids grew up in a rural community so driving the old beat up pick-up truck was a big deal! We never had to worry about buying them a car when they were sixteen. Thank god!

 

Because they worked hard in the summers, they realized they needed to go to college or else they would be stuck in a profession they didn't like with paychecks that wouldn't afford them the toys they wanted.

 

We also didn't have the money then to spoil the kids the way that they are getting spoiled now.

 

It makes me laugh about kids having cell phones in high school--where I live there is minimal cell phone service so the kids don't have them.

 

And don't we as mothers always feel that we haven't done our jobs as well as we could?

 

 

Stop being so hard on yourself. Your daughter will be fine.

[dropdeadlegs]

I love this community. It gives one so much perspective.

 

Thanks to all who have shared. I am gaining the strength to do what needs to be done. Slowly I'm losing the guilt over it as well. The day has been a little up and down.

 

This isn't something that hasn't been on my mind for several months, but like all uncomfortable confrontations, I have been avoiding it until last night when I told her I will be moving. I am going to give it some time to sink in for her, and it is still several weeks until the move. My daughter isn't spoiled and I think she will be understanding. It's me that has some growing to do, here. I was afraid I would appear selfish because I was questioning if I actually am being selfish.

 

Still welcoming any other input that may be shared. You can't know how helpful this is for me and I am so grateful for the many replies.

[chimuffin]

I think its time NOW. You will not be doing your child any favors by supporting her when she can support herself. She isnt going to school which leaves her plenty of time to get a better paying job and work for what she wants and needs. Of course as parents we all want good things and better things for our kids than we had but we need to let them learn for themselves. Let them make mistakes. Allow them to grow up.

[hotgurl]

I was going to give you some advice but than I realized I went to college right after HS so it was different for me. I moved on campus. I worked for 6 months at a min wage job and than decided I wanted more and went to college.

 

I was still living at my parents house and I paid for my cart & car insurance but that's it. Than after 1 year I moved on campus.

 

I personally would let her work her min wage job and than in Jan insist she go to college or learn a trade. I would have her take over her insurance & her cell phone bill.

 

What does she want to do with her life? Does she have any idea.

[dropdeadlegs]

She will pay her own insurance next renewal (the first six months was my graduation gift instead of cash. Cost $650 for 25/50/25 liability only policy.) She can stay on my policy as it benefits me to have the multicar discount, but I will pay my portion related to my car and she will pay hers.

 

We talked yesterday about her paying her portion of her cell phone. She will still be on my plan, which isn't a problem and is cheaper for her while not costing me anything extra. Her cost will be approx. $20 monthly ($15 for the additional line and $2.99 for her text package, plus any taxes.)

 

She is looking for higher paying employment now that she has a vehicle (just purchased this month) and a drivers license (obtained this week.)

 

She has talked to her dad about residing in his home and understands all that entails. She is also interested in possibly getting roommates and going in 1/3's on expenses. That would be a good experience in how tough life is with low paying jobs. It may encourage additional education.

 

She can stay here until I move, which has an undetermined date but will be soon. Two months is my best guess.

 

Thanks for continuing to share!

[dropdeadlegs]

What does she want to do with her life? Does she have any idea.

I haven't asked that specific question lately and need to revisit this topic.

 

I don't think she has any idea of what she wants to do. Her whole goal for the past two years has simply been to get out of high school, which she hated. She did not enjoy any of the high school dynamic and is learning that some of that dynamic extends into life in the long term. She was complaining

last night that her current job at a video rental store has gotten much like high school lately. By that I mean clique-like, gossipy, and with spats that have nothing to do with being part of the same team but are more personality conflict related. Somebody is always mad at somebody and it is cyclical.

 

Welcome to the real world! I've had many jobs like that. I see how ridiculous it is, but have found the same things with people who haven't been in high school in 20-30 years.

[huh]

You shouldn't feel guilty about moving in with your BF. And it's not like she's being kicked out, she has the option of living with you & BF & having her own room most of the week. Or living with her dad. Sounds like you have a gradual/sensible transition plan for her taking over more of her own expenses.

 

Personally, I had to do the bulk of laundry & housework since I was about 12. As well as watch my younger brother after school. And I had to get a part time job on top of that at 16. It was hard at the time, but I think I had an easier adjustment to college & living on my own than a lot of other people did. I was used to having to do things for myself and manage my own time so I got things done. If anything, it seemed easier than when I was living at home!

[dropdeadlegs]

Bf and I ordered our new home today and it should be delivered in about 4 weeks. It is a manufactured home for those who wonder. We are very excited about it. It will be quite humble, but it will be ours and we do not choose to be a slave to a home payment. It is easily affordable and should fit our needs now and in the future. Tomorrow I am giving my landlord notice that I will be out by 10/31.

 

On a completely unrelated note to this thread, BF and I have been cohabiting for just over two weeks and I love seeing him morning and night with such regularity. I had no doubt that it would be so easy after 3 years and really look forward to the future. I almost want to pinch myself since I must be dreaming. I never thought I could have such happiness and am rather jaded in reference to my own ability to achieve happiness.

 

My daughter is frustrated with her job for many reasons. She has not received a raise that should have been automatic with increased responsibilities nearly 8 weeks ago. She is getting 38-39 hours, just enough to classify her as part-time, meaning that full time would include another pay increase and benefits (which she probably still couldn't afford and doesn't even need until Feb. '08.) Still, she is disappointed and considering looking for other employment. She has never had a raise with the exception of the national increase of minimum wage. Prior to that she was earning $5.50, which was 15-25 cents above minimum, and now she is just at minimum, but is an opening manager with additional responsibilities and a supposed raise comes with that responsibility. She often works from 9-5 with no break because she is alone. She cannot have a meal break unless someone brings her one due to being the sole employee during her shift. I think that is just wrong and have suggested taking something to eat, but that's not even important.

 

Her Dad is welcoming her moving back with him with open arms. His GF (the crack user, if not addict) is in the hospital with a stroke at age 46. This is her second stroke in 18 months that I know of, but she may have had more. Imagine that....a cocaine derivative user with a heart/circulatory problem!

 

Dad says that she (GF) is not returning to his home, but I'm not so sure that GF is aware, or that I believe Dad. Dad has a large home and obviously cannot (or is afraid to) live alone. He has had so many people in and out of that house that I once asked him if he receives government assistance as a homeless shelter . He's had at least 6 people (unsavory people in my opinion) living there at one point or another. That includes his own sister and his GF.

 

Anyway, Dad insists that in order to have daughter back he will make household changes. She believes actions before words (smart girl) and called him out on some things that don't bear mention. Well, maybe they do, but I'll go there later if I feel necessary. Daughter feels that Dad wants to change and that her insistence and living there will help him: ie: he will have someone to be accountable to. Like personal accountability isn't enough.

 

I question this, naturally. I don't like this at all as her mother. I have pointed out a multitude of possible problems and outcomes. I also understand that I have no say in the situation. We have a good relationship with better than average communication, and if she needs safe harbor in the future, I will provide it.

 

Until/unless she asks for that, I must let her go to do as she pleases. I have raised her well in so many ways that I see daily in our conversations. She is no dummy. She is far more mature in many ways than the average 18 year old. Unfortunately her life experiences have had an acceleration of growth in some ways. She doesn't see her parents/family as infallible because they aren't infallible, and I have specifically pointed out my own faults as well as how (with a time machine) I would wish to change things. She recognizes that experiences, both good and bad, have relevance in the overall learning process. She is a good person, someone I am proud of in regards to maturity. Our lives haven't been easy, but she has learned so much of what she DOESN'T want in hers, instead of simply blaming me for the many ways it has sucked due to my choices.

 

Writing this has made me aware that I have taught her much more than I gave myself credit for, even if the lessons were hard ones, and many I wish she hadn't learned quite the way she did.

[Island Girl]

I am going to weigh in with the other point of view. That of the child.

 

I went to college but didn't stick with it. I went into the workforce and stumbled quite a bit.

 

And now that I am older I realize I wasn't taught to be financially responsible and the hard lessons I have learned over the last 10 years would have been a lot less painful and had a lot less impact in my life if I had been allowed to fall when the problems were smaller.

 

My mother was a single mom -- guilty of getting a divorce (NOT her fault by any means but she blamed herself for her kids not having both parents) and tried to do it ALL.

 

I mean she did too much. She would pay for things if I needed them. She wouldn't let me make mistakes that I would suffer with (but learn from).

 

I wasn't taught and I was constantly caught before I took a fall.

 

I do not fault my mother because she had a lot to manage and always (ALWAYS) tried to do the right thing. She did the best she could at the time. She is a remarkable and wonderful woman who is admired by all who know her.

 

But I wish she'd made me pay for my things, my clothes, my car, my car insurance, etc. It'd have made the last 20 years a lot better and it'd be a lot easier to do it now.

 

GOOD LUCK DDL!! I haven't been here in a while. Glad to see you are still around. And congrats on your guy. He really is a good one.

[Touche]

You're a smart woman DDL. On all counts. I think you're doing a wonderful job with your daughter.

 

Oh and a manufactured home is a very underrated thing. You're very smart financially as well I see. Congratulations on your new home. I wish you the best.

[wwjd]

my post is going to be pretty useless, i'm sure, but i'll chime in anyways.

 

when living with my parents, i never had a job. any and all money that i needed was supplied to me by them. i was pretty spoiled money-wise in that my parents paid for everything, which meant my wardrobe, cellphone, and any other things i bought.

 

back then, i didn't have my own car, so i would drive one of theirs but i was not held responsible for paying for the gas or anything related to it. i was also never asked to get a job because, well, my parents didn't need whatever small sum of money i could bring in.

 

so, in this sense, i never had to work for anything that i had--but: i was rigidly expected to help around the house.

 

i had to keep my room clean even despite my messy ways because my mom would periodically go inside to check, and if it was messy, then i would get no money to buy whatever i needed/wanted. i also had to clean around the house . . . a lot. i had to wash the dishes (not everyday, but most of the time), clean the kitchen, and keep the living room, floors, and furniture clean. basically, it was my job to keep the house tidy, with my mom helping every now and then.

 

and if it ever got dirty or messy, oooh, boy. not only would they get upset, but that meant no money for me, and they had no problem sending me off to school without enough money for lunch.

 

so, in essence, while i never had a job outside of the house, i did do more than my fair share of housework, which is how i "earned" the money my parents gave me, even though i do admit they gave me more than enough.

 

while this taught me that no work = no money, it didn't teach me how to budget. so long as i did the work, they would give me money and i would buy and spend to my little heart's content, but mostly on completely unnecessary things, like overly expensive clothes and toys.

 

because of this, when i was, uhm, kicked out of the nest, i was like, "WHAT?!"

 

while i may have not had real world work experience under my belt, i did understand that i had to work if i needed $, but, unfortunately, i was and still am completely awful when it comes to budgeting. money just slips out of my tiny hands because for so many years i was completely used to just not having to worry about "i can't afford it."

 

thus, while i appreciate their sometimes harsh philosophy of "no money? suck it up. do what you're supposed next time." i do wish they would have been more restricting in the amount of money they gave me.

 

as far as when is a good time to cut the cord, i think 21 is the magic age. if they need a little bit more help, then another year or two is fine, but more than that or less than that can be daunting, especially when you haven't really been exposed or conditioned to real world situations.

 

you're daughter is 18, right? well, i think that since she works, you should take a look at her paycheck and decide how much she can actually be responsible for. suppose she ears $800 monthly. with that much, she should be able to make both her cell phone and car payments, leaving her with enough money for her to spend on whatever.

 

however, if she bought the car and does not have to make monthly payments, then you should definitely make her responsible for paying her cell phone and a portion of the household utilities and for food. after all, she should be responsible for paying for what she uses, even if only a fraction of it.

 

if she decides to move out, whether it be with her father or with a friend, then, imo, that's it. once you want to fly into a different nest, then you have to work it out on your own.

 

i'm not big for cutting her off like this because i know, from experience, how very hard and daunting it can be, but you should explain to her that if she wants her independence, then her responsibilities are going to be more, and that if she no longer wants to live with you because of a silly reason as wanting your own room (i always had my own room, mind you, but not wanting to share with someone else is childish, imo), then she is basically saying that she doesn't/won't be your responsibility in that she is no longer living under your roof.

 

to be honest, it seems childish to me that she wants to go live with her dad because she isn't wanting to accommodate to the new living arrangement, and because she doesn't want to share rooms. i can understand her need and want for privacy, but she also needs to understand that with privacy and independence comes a whole new set of responsibilities--ones that mom and dad are not really responsible for anymore.

 

but that's just my opinion. i'm half drunk, anyways, so take it with a carton of salt.

[shoesies05]

Alright, being that im 19 and just moved back in with my mom due to losing a job back where i was living before on my own, and also moved back in to go to college i think i can be of help.

 

Let me say first off...

insurance? if she has a full time job, shouldn't she get insurance through that job?

 

School?: Why isn't she going to school? It sounds like she's being lazy {sorry} and that you need to kick her butt into gear. Now i know college isnt for everyone, but as you said she wont be able to stand on her own two feet with what she is making. Maybe she could go to vocational training at least so that she has a chance at making a better life for herself.

 

Chores: She should be helping out around the house. I've been doing my laundry since I was in Jr. High... and she has plenty of time. Once again im bringing out the laziness- you're letting her depend on you for everything.

 

Expenses: It's great that you are helping her out for now, but where is all her work money going? She should be able to take care of some things for herself. I recommend you slowly have her start paying her own way. Maybe it will show her how valuable a good paying job is and what she needs to do to get there. Also it will teach her to not take your graciousness for granted.

 

Moving: You deffinetly should move in with your boyfriend. You need to take care of yourself too, and either she can move in with her dad which i would hope she wouldnt. Or she can learn to share and deal with it for a while until she can stand on her own two feet. She is old enough to make the decision and choose what she wants to do.

 

Overall: you need to give her way more responsibilty. She has to learn how to take care of herself now while she has a cushion to fall back on like living at home. But in the future if she doesnt know how to spend money wisely { like me, and most people around my age} it will only put her in a bad situation and I know you care for her and wouldnt want her in that. I would say maybe propse to her going to vocation school for something fun like massage therapy or cosmetology or nursing or whatever she's interested in and if you can, give her incentive by helping support it by paying for it or whatever... and slowly give her more and more resposibility. Otherwise, her future isn't looking so bright.

 

<3