What do you make of this mess?

[island505]

I was seeing this guy for three months, and fell head over heels. I wasn't looking for love when we met, I didn't even feel amazingly attracted to him, in fact, he is two years younger than me (I'm 26) and at first I just played along, having fun. Then as we began to get to know eachother I realised there was more to him, and I let my feelings grow. Then after three months his trip came up, which had been planned ages ago. He was only going for 5 weeks, but I certainly wasn't expecting what happened next. I missed him so much, too much - and I went a bit crazy, and basically drove him away with jealous emails and embittered replies.

 

I was broken hearted when he ended it on the phone from where he was, and it hit me so much harder than I ever expected, but I could understand why I'd frightened him off. It took me weeks to get better, and drove my friends almost insane I couldn't stop focusing on getting him back.

 

This was despite a week after dumping me he sends me a love poem to be opened on our anniversary (!) which is basically dumping me again, and ends with a beautiful line about me being on all fours. This was a saving grace, because it helped me to see a side of him I hadn't realised was there - shallow and big-headed. By the time he was back in the country I had moved on - or so I thought.

 

A week after his return, I eventually emailed him to arrange an exchange of possessions that we still had. Then after a night of wine I sprung a surprise visit on him (I was a bit drunk). We chatted for a while about his travels, and he was evidently pleased to see me. It got late, so he asked if I would like to sleep on the sofa. (NB, he has already tried to make physical contact in a flirty way by this stage, and although I don't totally agree inside with his approach, I guess I liked the fact that he clearly still wants me).

 

Anyway, foolish me continues thinking I'm on to a winner, and we end up sharing a bed just kissing and cuddling. Next day he wakes up all confused, and so we have a l o n g talk about how I'd made a mistake, me soothing all his subsequent fears.

 

A week later we arrange to meet, and everything's on an upswing. He texts to say he's looking forward to seeing me, and when we meet he holds my hand walking along and is calling me pet names again. Naively, I think it's ok to go back to his, and sleep with him.

 

Two days later he said he's too confused and dumps me again.

 

I don't get it. How can a guy be so confused he manages to sleep with a girl one night, and then get rid the next day? He once told me I was the most special thing to have ever happened to him, that I was his best friend and lover - but none of these things can be true because I know that if a guy loves a girl then he has to be with her.

 

Sure, I treated him badly when he was away, but when he realised that it was my stupid way of covering up the weakness I felt through missing him it should hurt less? Instead, he decides that actually he can't forgive me, but only after sleeping with me and calling it 'making love'.

 

I can't decide if this guy is a total loser or if I'm just a jerk.

[birdie]

this is the problem with conflicts in short term relationships, you don't know what the other person is like, they don't know you. you project all sorts of feelings on each other, distrust, etc.

 

he sounds quite immature and probably impulsive as a result but then you are impulsive as well by the sound of it (the way you drove him away). it's possible that he was just after sex and was very selfish about it but also equally possible that you two rub eachother off the wrong way. maybe you like eachother but one of you should be calmer

[island505]

Thanks for the response Birdie. I think what you say is true. But it's so weird that half an hour before he 'made his decision' he was saying 'of course I want to be with you'. A day before he was on a date with me and everything felt so good like how it was before all this petty mess came up.

 

And I feel so numbed by the fact that someone I thought was so great could end up being so immature and shallow. Guess love is blind.

I'm so broken, because I had just gotten over him and he knew it cos that was the first time we chatted when I 'popped over', and it just seems to me like he couldn't handle me being so over him so soon. I feel like I allowed myself to be manipulated into falling for him just so he can get off on dumping me safe in the knowledge that, second time around, he'll be in my memory for good this time...

 

How do I stop feeling so sad? I believed he was so perfect- cliche I know, but that's how it was. I even thought that this was an opening for a second chance - it seemed almost on the cards - and then slam - straight into a brick wall, no going back after all. How did this happen? Two days ago the future was full of promise - he said he wanted to see me again. Then he changed his mind so decidedly. I don't understand...

[island505]

If anyone else has an opinion they can share please help! It might not sound that bad, but it's cos so much has happened in such a short space of time - my head is numb it's reeling so much but I'm a wreck. I don't think he treated me in a way I expected, or am I just kidding myself?

[wreckedhorse]

hi island, it sounds bad.

it sounds like you fell hard, acted out of fear/anxiety, and then he did this cat and mouse thing which is the mold on the chicken noodle soup that we need for our souls.

no, he didn't treat you in a way you expected- you fell in love, you wanted him to be the one for you, but it turns out that - if we can gauge by his actions - that he isn't. maybe you'll get an explanation, but don't count on one.

 

my advice for you is that...

you can't stop feeling. sadness, anger, whatever. you have to go through the motions the best you can. that doesn't mean lie in bed and wait. that means try to do something new, go out for a walk, etc. yeah after the walk the feelings/thoughts will come back, but keep trying. and they will dissipate with time.

[island505]

Hi Wreckedhorse, thanks for the post.That's a good way of putting it - cat & mouse, it's exactly what has happened. Not sure what you mean about it being the mould though - unless you mean it was just a stinky thing to do?!!

 

Thank you for the advice. I know what you say makes sense, and I know I will be ok, but at the moment it's like I can't even talk - I'm in complete silence, and I've never felt like this before. Usually when I'm upset I get really angry at how I feel, but at the moment it's like something's been completely numbed.

 

It's not that uncommon I guess and in the grand scheme of things it won't matter in the long run but I guess I never thought he was like that, and since, he's offered no apology or act of true remorse. It seems worse that not only did he 'use' me but then also isn't really too concerned with even offering some remorse or regret at his actions, but when things were the other way around I apologised so much.

 

I know none of this is worthy of discussion, it's just feelings I have at the moment, there's no point in not moving on...

 

But sorry to waffle on - and thanks again.

[birdie]

it is possible that he has some regret but you will never hear about that so that makes no difference. the point is that there are a lot of people out there that can't put themselves in your shoes, they are too immature or selfish. they may not go as far as this guy did but you still can't count on them when you need them.

 

the skill is to learn how to filter those out and stick with men that treat you well and look after you. you'll learn to pick up the signs pretty quickly

[island505]

Hi Birdie,

thanks again for your response. I really appreciate that you guys have taken the time out to respond.

 

Unfortunately this has made me feel so gutted I just hope I don't lose my job.

 

So many times we come across circumstances or people who affect our lives and bring us something that changes our direction or perception - each time it's happened to me I've learnt a valuable lesson...but with this guy it's like I didn't even get to that stage. I don't think the mistake I made (acting insecure when he went away) is that difficult to rectify, 'cos I was stupid and not thinking straight, but I never had the chance... so it's funny, despite my beliefs that everything happens for a reason, I'm stumped as to why I had to meet this guy.

Which is weird, because this whole break up has had such a huge impact on my life. I guess I've painted him in my head as perfect, somewhere along the lines... at the end of the day he wasn't very nice.

 

You sound as if you have learned a lot from your experiences, birdie.

 

He was perfect - it was perfect - he took me away for the weekend, he took me out on dates, he never forgot anything - and I mean - anything. He was so nice - and I guess I must have been pretty crazy for him because I ignored the fact that he was quite vain and that his main topic of conversation was himself (I figured it wasn't such a bad crime him being a bloke ...) and liked him for him anyway. And he seemed so thoughtful that I mistook it for genuine warmth. But he was so cold and matter of fact when it ended, even though just the night before he's been in bed with me. I think that's what was the overall smack in the face, because from everything I'd learned about him, he hated the kind of blokes who do that. How ironic?

 

And why do I have to even find him at all attractive anymore? Part of me feels repulsed when I think of how he really is now, and then the other part wants to cry when I think of how I won't share that again.

 

Thanks for your responses, and thank you for reading, again...

[wreckedhorse]

hi island.

 

oo, i posted late at night. what i meant by mold is is that while you thought he was perfect, he wasn't, and no one is, and so what looked to be good for you turned into a curse.

 

i didn't mean to make you feel as though your feelings are unworthy of discussion. but perhaps you have been feeling that way from driving friends "insane" with issues concerning him. know that your feelings are important. hey they may not be unique in the history of humanity, but they matter. they matter cause they're yours, you have to live with them, they affect other things like work, social life, etc.

 

clearly these past months have left you very traumatized. it's understandable, being jerked around like that. but it's good that you are asking questions and talking about what has happened and how it has made you feel. i remember when i went through a particular relationship that left me totally dejected, feeling used and disenchanted, the last thing i wanted to do was talk about my feelings, with anything or anyone. wow, did that create a lot more problems and delay the healing process.

 

if you feel you cannot talk about it with your friends, maybe you can talk to a counselor- someone who has had many experiences with dealing with what you are going through right now, someone who's committed to you building back your overall health. sometimes we need outside help when we are not strong enough at the moment. i hope such a suggestion doesn't offend you.

 

best of luck.

[birdie]

hi island,

 

well first of all, being vulnerable is never a mistake. of course you don't want to show too much of yourself to another person that didn't treat you well but believe me being vulnerable is better than being cold. so please don't be embarrassed about that

 

secondly, I think the reason you are feeling gutted is because you've stopped trusting your judgement and you think you cannot tell a genuine person from a bad one.

 

this is totally understandable and this is why a lot of people will not jump into relationships but get to know the other person first. become friends, see how they interract with others, see how much respect they show, if they have any issues etc.

 

A good friend of mine I used to really fancy and it was mutual. we started chatting a lot - especially on email - and eventually I realised he had all sorts of unresolved issues that made him shut people - especially women - out and hurt them. he is still a friend of mine but there is no way I'd ever date him.

 

it is also good to have some kind of friendship before you start seeing someone because when they make a mistake, you don't hold it agains them so much - and vice versa - therefore you have a better chance to work conflicts out.

 

so don't worry, there is a way to start trusting your instincts again

[island505]

Hi, thanks wreckedhorse and birdie - you have both been tremendous in the helpful advice you have consoled me with. These forums are great.

 

Firstly - wreckedhorse - not at all - it wasn't you who made me feel my feelings were unworthy of discussion - but I guess I've been told to stop mulling over things so much that I guess I must have been even boring myself! I may well seek out a counselor or something, and I thank you for your advice.

 

Birdie - again, such words of wisdom - thank you. Being vulnerable is better than being cold - and I think that's what the problem is for me; in all this if I hadn't reacted cold instead of vulnerable in the first place I'd still be with this guy. It seems as though we clearly really weren't meant to be, for such an out-the-blue circumstance to rear its ugly head and cause such seemingly irreparable damage.

 

Actually, I do agree with something someone wrote in another forum - that 'you can't break up over a few harsh words' - and I tend to agree with that. My words to him were nasty, hasty and angry, but I don't think he believed there was a choice in how he could react to what I'd done - he just saw it as 'hateful' and that's why he couldn't be with me, even though I'm otherwise the most loving and gentle person - it was just this when I got freaky. I should have listened to my instinct in the first place - he didn't love me enough to talk ending it through so in other words he wasn't worthy of my love - too immature, too flighty, whatever...

 

I will learn to pick a good one next time - not sure how... but I think that is quite a sensible approach you have birdie. I think I must be living some fantasy in my head trying to make it real - and you saying that pointed out to me that I don't make my own choices often enough, I tend to follow someone's lead - like with this guy. It was only because he pursued me so much that I ended up so head over heels. That's what sucks. It took me ages to fall for his charm, and when i do this happens.

 

Gosh so sorry to waffle on again - but thanks again for the responses. They are kindly appreciated.

[Reactor]

From a blokes perspective:

 

I went out with a girl for 3/4 months. She was alot like your boyfriend, well in some respects. To begin with she was all over me, always around mine, talking to her friends about me...etc...etc. However something changed in her - I don't know what; maybe the idea of commitment scared her, maybe she didn't like me as much as she thought, I don't know.

 

I do know that I was going through a rough time and couldn't be the man she wanted....what did she do? Dropped me quicker than a bunch of rotten roses. I being the fool I was went back, and we 'made' up. But something in her changed, she became cold, uncaring, picky (always saying about the little things I did that annoyed her), almost arguementative (and we hadn't fallen out once beforehand). Also, any little thing I used to do, like for instance if I organised a dinner date. This meant to her I was trying to get her into bed, I wasn't doing it because it was her birthday and I might want to celebrate it with her.

 

Anyway, push came to shove and she broke up with me. What did it do to me? It broke me, much like you. For a while all I could think about was this 'girl' who hadn't deserved me in the first place, sure I made mistakes (we always do), like I was too clingy near the end of the relationship because of all the stress and that we talked about our relationship too much.

 

To be honest I was a mess, I was very upset, moody, depressed. But I've gotten through all that, am I over her? Nope, not yet. I still think about the what ifs and still miss her but more importantly, now I can look at the relationship and realise the bad points, without telling myself them over and over. It almost comes naturally if you get me. Hopefully you will feel this to, eventually!

 

Also, I feel for you, what he did to you sucks. My ex used me too, and when you realise what a fool you've been it sucks even more. But you will grow stronger out of this, trust me. And you will notice the signs of other men who act like this (we're all a bit vain though - sorry! ).

 

And stop blaming yourself, we all make mistakes. So maybe you made a few here...big deal, there plenty more to come and making mistakes now can stop you making them in future relationships. Don't heap it all up onto your shoulders, it sounds like this guy has some serious problems. Maybe hes a little emotionally unstable like I think my ex was, this is usually down to immaturity, but don't worry yourself about it, you will meet a bloke who will treat you properly and not want you one minute and not the next (just like my ex).

 

I will say lastly, don't let this change your perceptions of men, some of us are idiots, but some of us are actually nice guys!

 

Regards,

Reactor

[island505]

Hi Reactor thanks so much for your message. Wow, sounds like you've been through alot of hurt too.

 

I wouldn't let this one change my perception of men - or none, for that matter. There are of course some decent men out there, like yourself. And of course, it's natural to be vain to some extent, but he was so obsessed with clothes. It's good to want to look good, but when you find yourself not only admiring your own photos but admiring yourself aloud to someone else (!) I guess you must kinda like yourself alot...

 

Anyway, I don't want to bitch about the guy - what's done now, and I did like him at some point.

 

How long has it been since you and your girlfriend broke up? I can see the similarities in how we've both been made to feel. I guess at the end of the day all it boils down to is 'they didn't love you'. Because when someone really loves you, they strive to understand you. It doesn't matter that he didn't now. I just don't like the way he used to proclaim in all the time, when in the end it turns out to be a lot a sweet nothings. And then how it turned out - just awful, worse than first time round.

 

Guess suckers like you and me buddy need to wise up to what's happening! That way in future, you won't get mortally wounded because we'll be looking after ourselves better! Some people I think we get blinded by because we think we're so lucky to have them. Why? What did they do? I think now that this guy just ticked a few of the right boxes and because he was so sweet I allowed myself to fall in love with him. That's the real bummer in all of this - that I didn't have to even allow myself in the first place! Now that this has all happened...

 

But c'est la vie - never a dull moment eh? Well, I guess that's the trouble - these moments tend to dull everything...

 

I don't think you should be critical of how 'clingy' you were. When someone decides or acts as if they're leaving it does sort of make one feel 'insecure'. Next time, I won't be giving them the satisfaction of ever knowing what a great catch I thought they were, because even when they don't deserve it they still walk away with an inflated ego as a result. That's how these people get away with doing it twice - you let them do it once. If I wasn't such a ditsy romance sucker I would have seen sense sooner I guess.

 

Thanks again for the reply nice guy!

[Reactor]

Hi Reactor thanks so much for your message. Wow, sounds like you've been through alot of hurt too.

 

I wouldn't let this one change my perception of men - or none, for that matter. There are of course some decent men out there, like yourself. And of course, it's natural to be vain to some extent, but he was so obsessed with clothes. It's good to want to look good, but when you find yourself not only admiring your own photos but admiring yourself aloud to someone else (!) I guess you must kinda like yourself alot...

 

Anyway, I don't want to bitch about the guy - what's done now, and I did like him at some point.

 

How long has it been since you and your girlfriend broke up? I can see the similarities in how we've both been made to feel. I guess at the end of the day all it boils down to is 'they didn't love you'. Because when someone really loves you, they strive to understand you. It doesn't matter that he didn't now. I just don't like the way he used to proclaim in all the time, when in the end it turns out to be a lot a sweet nothings. And then how it turned out - just awful, worse than first time round.

 

Guess suckers like you and me buddy need to wise up to what's happening! That way in future, you won't get mortally wounded because we'll be looking after ourselves better! Some people I think we get blinded by because we think we're so lucky to have them. Why? What did they do? I think now that this guy just ticked a few of the right boxes and because he was so sweet I allowed myself to fall in love with him. That's the real bummer in all of this - that I didn't have to even allow myself in the first place! Now that this has all happened...

 

But c'est la vie - never a dull moment eh? Well, I guess that's the trouble - these moments tend to dull everything...

 

I don't think you should be critical of how 'clingy' you were. When someone decides or acts as if they're leaving it does sort of make one feel 'insecure'. Next time, I won't be giving them the satisfaction of ever knowing what a great catch I thought they were, because even when they don't deserve it they still walk away with an inflated ego as a result. That's how these people get away with doing it twice - you let them do it once. If I wasn't such a ditsy romance sucker I would have seen sense sooner I guess.

 

Thanks again for the reply nice guy!

 

Hehe. My ex and me broke up around 3 months ago now, by all means I probably should be over her. But I've not been able to go out with friends or anything because I'm currently abroad with my parents!

 

It sucks thinking about that person all the time, and you're right, I think we were just suckers! Never mind eh? We'll get over it eventually!! xD

 

I can however now see my mistakes from the relationship, but I realise I tried my hardest, my ex always used to think she was 3rd (bottom) in my list of priorities (I was quite insulted she thought I only ever had 3 priorities!!). She always used to say that I didn't make the effort and I was always on the computer. Maybe the computer bit is true (although my degree was in Computer Science! So I couldn't honestly not be on the computer!), but honestly it always used to go off when she came round and it was never more important than her. And as for not making the effort, well I know thats just an outright load of bull!

 

Anyway, as you can see, I still manage to get angry about it! Arg! I keep blaming myself for the break-up. Hopefully one day I'll stop doing it!

 

You however seem to have the right approach to it all, congratulations!

 

Oh and, my ex ended it over the phone too, I guess its the only way she could bring herself to do it! Nevermind, I don't blame her and wish her all the best in the future!

 

Regards,

Reactor