coffee_addict Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 hey all me and my boyfriend have been going out for around 5 weeks, but we went out before and broke up, but still kept sort of seeing each other, until we decided to start going out again officially, so it feels like we have been together the whole time, making it around 4 months. i have wanted to say 'i love you' many times, but never had the courage to, and basically the other night we started jokingly discussing it, and found out we had both wanted to say it a lot of times but never had the courage to go out and say it lol. so after a lot of immature "i 'the l-word' you" and such, i said to my boyfriend 'well you're the guy so u shud be all manly and say it first coz im too scared to hehe!' so he said it, and i said it back, and all was good lol. so now we say it everyday, and the thing is, i find it scary. we're both 18/19, and this is both our first proper relationship, ive never even had a boyfriend before. i always feel after something has happened (i.e. we've done something physically (we havent had sex), or said somethin like 'i love you') that the relationship has gone further and im getting myself in deeper and that i cant go back. why is this? it feels great doing/saying it at the time but then i freak out afterwards. the reason we broke up the first time was that i got freaked out because i felt something wasnt right. whats up with me? :(:( any questions/advice/comments/opinions would be greatly appreciated
Author coffee_addict Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 .........anyone? im really stressed about it, im hanging around my computer incase anyone replies lol, some advice or comments would really be appreciated thankyou to anyone who does post :):):)
Cobra_X30 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 .........anyone? im really stressed about it, im hanging around my computer incase anyone replies lol, some advice or comments would really be appreciated thankyou to anyone who does post :):):) Couple of questions for you. What do you feel isnt right? What causes you to doubt your relationship? I'm sensing some commitment fears. Its good you havnt gotten too physical... especially after several months. How attracted to this guy are you? What positive traits does he have? What negative traits do you feel?
Author coffee_addict Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 thanks cobra for your reply i wasnt that attracted at first, like i didnt go 'wow hes hot!' but as time has gone on ive found him sexy and i do love being with him hes the nicest guy in the world, would do anything for me, never pressures me into anything i dont want to do, and would fit stuff around me. he has no negative traits, except maybe being too over attentative, but id rather that than him not caring about me at all, it can sometime get a lil annoyin when we're trying to decide what movie to go and see or what dvd to watch, or the time/place to meet, and he always says that he doesnt mind and i should pick lol. i do miss him when im not with him, our friends put a lot of pressure on us when we started going out, one of them set us up together and i think they thought that gave them all the right to know exactly what was going on between, an i got a bit freaked out by everyone going 'oh its true love!' and 'you're made for each other!' after about a week of us meeting lol. why is it good that we havent gotten too physical? whats wrong with me lol, im so insecure and paranoid about everything :(
Cobra_X30 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 thanks cobra for your reply i wasnt that attracted at first, like i didnt go 'wow hes hot!' but as time has gone on ive found him sexy and i do love being with him hes the nicest guy in the world, would do anything for me, never pressures me into anything i dont want to do, and would fit stuff around me. he has no negative traits, except maybe being too over attentative, but id rather that than him not caring about me at all, it can sometime get a lil annoyin when we're trying to decide what movie to go and see or what dvd to watch, or the time/place to meet, and he always says that he doesnt mind and i should pick lol. i do miss him when im not with him, our friends put a lot of pressure on us when we started going out, one of them set us up together and i think they thought that gave them all the right to know exactly what was going on between, an i got a bit freaked out by everyone going 'oh its true love!' and 'you're made for each other!' after about a week of us meeting lol. why is it good that we havent gotten too physical? whats wrong with me lol, im so insecure and paranoid about everything :( Ok, do you ever wish he were more assertive? Do you ever get a feeling like he is better than you deserve? How does the pressure from your friends make you feel... does it push you towards him or away? When you broke up did either of you take the opportunity to date other people? Would you rather be with a guy who more easily fits your physical ideal? The reason I ask these questions is that as you answer them its going to cause you to think about why your feeling something isnt right. I've found that sometimes insecurities and paranoia are unfounded and sometimes its a warning sign you need to pay attention to! Remember the old saying about Heinze ketchup... Its worth the wait? Well the physical part of your relationship is similar. If he isnt pressuring you too hard... then to him your worth the wait. Besides right now your working on the emotional side of it.
Author coffee_addict Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 sometimes i do wish he was more assertive yes, but i think as we get to understand each other more, he is getting better at it, and we are understanding what each other wants......ok that makes no sense lol, but i know what i mean, i think when he sees im like 'no really, you choose!' he understands its ok for him to make the decisions sometimes lol, instead of always letting me, coz we're both quite shy lol. i do feel like hes better than i deserve, as i dont have a good opinion of myself, so i feel that this amazing guy, that thinks im wonderful, must have his head screwed on wrong lol, and i cant understand what he sees in me lol! the pressure from our friends pushed me away from him, as i didnt like being 'awwww!!!'ed at and told how we were perfect for each other, it made me feel really uncomfortable, and it did the same to him, so the second time round we basically told our friends just to back off a bit lol. the first time we went out, for the whole time i was away at uni, away from him, except for maybe 4 days at home and the 5 days he came to visit, and it didnt really feel like i was going out with him. the first night i came home, i did it as a surprise as i had told my bf i had to stay at uni, and when our friends saw id come home as a surprise, and saw us together that night, they went into full AWWWWW!!! mode and i got all freaked no we never dated other people for the 7 weeks or so while we were broken up, we stayed friends, and for the first week we were both really really upset. staying friends soon developed into more, which is why it feels like we never we broke up, apart from that first week. im not sure what my physical ideal is really to be honest, i know some guys i think 'ooh hes fit!' but id rather i liked the person, and as ive found, starting off with that soon made me realise that actually i do find him attractive and sexy he hasnt done anything to cause my insecurities or paranoia, never even slightly, infact he probably does more to fix them they were caused by my best friend who i fell in love with, who then treated me badly and lied and twisted my perception, which is guess is still a bit off
Cobra_X30 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Well, in my humble opinion, you both seem to definitely be on the right course! I think the fact that you dont feel like you deserve each other, means there is a mutual appreciation! You have a very mature and wise approach to physical attraction! Basically your jitters seem to be fairly normal... with the exception of the expectations your friends are placing on you. I was in a similar situation once... and that expectation for bieng the "perfect couple" led me to mess the whole thing up! Looking back if I'd just sat down and talked to her about how our friends pressure was making me feel I may not have dropped the ball like that. But then that's me... you may be in a completely different situation. Oh, and your past experience has you waiting for bad stuff to happen. Sounds like this is a completely different guy. As time goes, he will prove himself and your walls will come down! Trust is like a piggy bank, You gotta put money in before you can take any out. Your still young and in the new stage of the relationship... focus on open and honest communication, when you have that... you cant lose! I hope your feeling a little better about things!
Author coffee_addict Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 aw thanks cobra! i feel much better i think we do really appreciate each other, and yes i do have the opinion of 'ok something has to go wrong soon this is too good!' i hate my best friend, hes wrecked my brain lol. we have talked about the pressure from our friends, and thats why when we started going back out again we told them to back off, and now they have, and just accept us going out, and think its normal, much different to how they were at the start. i dont think they meant it in a bad way, but i think both me and my boyfriend were quiet people who faded into the background, and when we were happy and together our friends were just happy for us we tell each other everything so we have the honesty and communication down sometimes i need him to reassure me, but im working on that because even tho he says he doesnt mind reassuring me, there comes a point where everyone is sick of reassuring someone lol. i forsee good times ahead thanks cobra, youve been a massive help and dare i say....reassurance! oh no lol here we go again! hehe thanks x x x x x
Cobra_X30 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Hey, no worries! Did I mention my raging Caffiene Addiction?... LOL. Sounds like your friends are great! I never had that communication thing, so you guys are way ahead of me! Oh and Ive learned that guys are like puppies! See he doesnt mind providing you emotional support and assurances sometimes... but if you reward him every time he does... he's going to want to do that for you! It takes patience but a little praise goes along way!
MikeC Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 You might think that you are digging a deeper hole the more you say the L-word. This couldn't be farther from the truth. No matter how far you go with him, you can always back out of it if you feel it is the best for you.
Author coffee_addict Posted September 1, 2007 Author Posted September 1, 2007 lol im sorry about my slow reply guys i havent been checking as much as i usually do! thanks cobra my friends are great, although sometimes they tend to go too far with things! but i wouldnt be without them yes the communication thing is great, we can tell each other the honest answer to anything! im still stressing a bit, im feeling a little smothered with his wanting to see me all the time, and things like that, so i think i just have to slow it down, as mike says, its up to both of us how we want to play our relationship, and neither of us should feel like we have to do or say something we dont want to. He has said that he wants to see me as much as possible before i go back to uni, and after spending most of wednesday and thursday together, i felt slightly.....sick of him? that sounds really horrible. being truthful, im used to doing what i want, when i want, because ive had to answer to me and only me, so if i dont wanna do something, then hell im not doing it. im also quite lazy and i think i find having a boyfriend who i have to see and do this and that with, quite tiring and sometimes just want to go back to being lazy lol. im writing this while drunk, ive just had the best night out with my friends *ever*! and also im worried that i wanted my boyfriend to come, then had second thoughts, and then sort of put him off coming....i dont know why what if im getting sick of him? life hates me, it wants me to stress over things! x x x
Author coffee_addict Posted September 2, 2007 Author Posted September 2, 2007 ok im not drunk anymore and all what i put is still true so i just thought id tell you all incase u were ignoring my drunken rambling lol. he gets that i need time to myself, and that i find it scary saying 'i love you' so id rather not, and all that kinda thing, but when he backs off i find im because hes not texting me loads or whatever, its like he cant win bless him. hes either smothering me and im 'grrrr!' or hes not smothering me and im seriously, what the hell is wrong with me.
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