stace79 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 My bf and I have been officially back together since May of this year. We were together awhile last year as well. We have gotten really close, and we are buying a place together within the next month. My problem is that sometimes we will get into disagreements, almost always over the phone. He will get frustrated, and as guys often do, just want to get off the phone and not talk anymore. I being a girl want to talk the problem into the ground until I feel satisfied we've come up with some resolution and that we shouldn't break up over it. I feel like he doesn't care about me much if at all when we get into an argument. He says that is just because he is angry and he doesn't like to talk when he is angry. I feel like no matter what we argue about, we should always feel 100% confident that the other person still loves us and will not just break up over one argument. I asked him tonight if there is ever a time that he feels I don't care about him, and he said no, not even when I'm angry at him. I asked shouldn't I get to have that same luxury? That even when he is mad at me, I should still feel confident that he cares about me? And he said he hopes I get to that point. My point is, how can I feel he cares for me still when he acts so cold and distant? Is this just a girl v. guy thing that I should learn to cope with or am I reasonably concerned?
VIP Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 How are you going to deal with the property you are going to buy together if you break up? And I think you are reasonably concerned. It seems he doesn't care about your feelings.
Lizzie60 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 My bf and I have been officially back together since May of this year. We were together awhile last year as well. We have gotten really close, and we are buying a place together within the next month. My problem is that sometimes we will get into disagreements, almost always over the phone. He will get frustrated, and as guys often do, just want to get off the phone and not talk anymore. I being a girl want to talk the problem into the ground until I feel satisfied we've come up with some resolution and that we shouldn't break up over it. I feel like he doesn't care about me much if at all when we get into an argument. He says that is just because he is angry and he doesn't like to talk when he is angry. I feel like no matter what we argue about, we should always feel 100% confident that the other person still loves us and will not just break up over one argument. I asked him tonight if there is ever a time that he feels I don't care about him, and he said no, not even when I'm angry at him. I asked shouldn't I get to have that same luxury? That even when he is mad at me, I should still feel confident that he cares about me? And he said he hopes I get to that point. My point is, how can I feel he cares for me still when he acts so cold and distant? Is this just a girl v. guy thing that I should learn to cope with or am I reasonably concerned? I don't really have an advice for you at this point... But if you think it will get better after you buy a house, etc... well ... it won't. So maybe you should think about this carefully.
birdie Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 some people are like that stace. it's usually men but women can be too. unfortunately I have this problem as well, I come across really badly during arguments and have been working on changing and it's getting better. however, I had to get bollocked by exes a few times before getting to this point. so it could still be that he doesn't care but equally likely that he is just very bad at dealing with conflict. maybe you should ask him what it is exactly that he doesn't like about arguments? I know it sounds silly but maybe ask him to spell it out to you
ahah2322 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 hey babe, i know what you are talking about; the 'girl vs guy' thing. i have a high propensity to throw tantrums so that naturally results in many arguments over the phone. as a girl, i like to sort things out and my bf do too, only if he thinks it's an issue of real concern. however, we tend to disagree over the silliest things. in this case, my bf will get mad and he will want to stop talking because 1)he sees no point in perpetrating the disagreement, 2)i would have become totally illogical and even more indignant by then. i would be unhappy after he nicely tells me he saw no point in talking. subsequently, however, i would 'see the light' in the period of cool-off. i've talked to my bf about the quarrelling a few times, telling him that i feel unloved and uncared for after every quarrel. he, on the other hand, does not feel unloved at all. he feels that the phone arguments are trivial (he will however talk through the ones which he feels are of grave concerns though). ''I feel like no matter what we argue about, we should always feel 100% confident that the other person still loves us and will not just break up over one argument. I asked him tonight if there is ever a time that he feels I don't care about him, and he said no, not even when I'm angry at him.'' hence, i guess it can be extrapolated that it's a guy/girl thing. i'm sure those disagreements were silly in retrospect or he would have talked through it. chill babe!
Cobra_X30 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 My bf and I have been officially back together since May of this year. We were together awhile last year as well. We have gotten really close, and we are buying a place together within the next month. My problem is that sometimes we will get into disagreements, almost always over the phone. He will get frustrated, and as guys often do, just want to get off the phone and not talk anymore. I being a girl want to talk the problem into the ground until I feel satisfied we've come up with some resolution and that we shouldn't break up over it. I feel like he doesn't care about me much if at all when we get into an argument. He says that is just because he is angry and he doesn't like to talk when he is angry. I feel like no matter what we argue about, we should always feel 100% confident that the other person still loves us and will not just break up over one argument. I asked him tonight if there is ever a time that he feels I don't care about him, and he said no, not even when I'm angry at him. I asked shouldn't I get to have that same luxury? That even when he is mad at me, I should still feel confident that he cares about me? And he said he hopes I get to that point. My point is, how can I feel he cares for me still when he acts so cold and distant? Is this just a girl v. guy thing that I should learn to cope with or am I reasonably concerned? I'm going to dive into this since its something I have had to deal with. When you start arguing with a guy it makes him feel disrespected. He may feel like you still care about him... but that you dont respect him. Not his feelings... not his intellect... we dont seperate that stuff well... Its a disrespect to him and all of him. That triggers a BIG anger response. That causes mental shutdown. Hence the desire to hang up the phone until I can think clearly. I cant argue with a girl when I'm angry. Cause I'm too busy dealing with all of the violent emotions that come with anger. So I walk away until I calm down.
Author stace79 Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 Thanks everyone. Good to hear from someone who is similar to me, and good to hear a guy's response, too. We talked again today. I am 99% sure we are just going to rent a place together to see if we have what it takes to work. I am feeling much better about things. I know I tend to blow up and want to resolve everything right away. He is more like a "guy" (which is good , I guess ) and wants to cool off and walk away awhile. Hopefully we will both find some happy medium. Thanks for the replies. I appreciate it.
Arizona100 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 When you have one of those arguments, I would recommend not to push the issue. Let him calm down first. Then talk about it. I know we want an answer now, right now, and get done with it, but that's just giving them a big headache. Maybe he doesn't have to change, maybe what has to change is the way the two of you deal with the issues that you meet, I am not sure if that makes sense? I'd change my approach is what I would do. Makes sense?
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