No matter how pissed I get I cant seem to Stop Loving Him

[OpenBook]

Had to tell someone anyone that I am working on three months now and I still cant get him out of my head and I have not gotten to the point if I dont give a rats butt anymore.

 

Hurt, I went through a very similar situation a lo-o-o-ng time ago (almost 20 years now!!). So your story is very familiar to me.

 

It took me 2 years (yes, YEARS) to pull myself together and get away from him. I got another job at another company. It was the only way.

 

And I've never been hurt that bad since.

 

Another thing that helped me was reading (and re-reading, and re-reading...) 'The Rules.' They're not for every woman... some object to their old-fashioned and seemingly manipulative advice... but I found them oddly comforting.

 

I hope that somewhere deep inside you, there is an awareness that you are SO MUCH MORE than this. That's your ticket out of this mess.

[Hurt & Alone]

Hi, I think you value this MM much, you admire him; so now you want to your own value be validated by this MM you admired. Many people who have difficult to get closure are like this too.

 

Can you imagine a picture like this?

 

You think you cannot breath without an air transporting pipe. and pull this pipe away from you will make you fear deeply. It is so unconvenient that carry a large bottle like this, but you think you cannot live without it. But one day you get courage from somewhere, you decide to pull the pipe away, then you find out you can breath, a little bit by bit you begin to love without this pipe, this is so free

 

Now in deep your heart, you think this MM is like an air transporting pipe. But he isn't. He cannot mark your value, or any other men can decide your value. your value is already there, only God can decide your value. Find out your value, not from men, it is freedom

 

just another angel of view

 

That is a very valid point that you make. i do admire him greatly, maybe I am just looking for his validation to assure me that I was just not another statistic. Like I said before I dont know why I am acting/feeling like this. Its new to me.

[smoochygirl]

I guess I am relieved to get all of this off my chest. It almost feels like confession. The relief you get when you tell a priest all your sins.

 

I hope you are not annoyed by our advices and encouragement. I am trying to encourage you to move on. Start a new beginning without this MM in your life. Its hard i know but you can do it.

 

I will never encourage you to call him again and try to talk to him about you past R with him, this will only cause your pain again.

 

[Hurt & Alone]

Hurt, I went through a very similar situation a lo-o-o-ng time ago (almost 20 years now!!). So your story is very familiar to me.

 

It took me 2 years (yes, YEARS) to pull myself together and get away from him. I got another job at another company. It was the only way.

 

And I've never been hurt that bad since.

 

Another thing that helped me was reading (and re-reading, and re-reading...) 'The Rules.' They're not for every woman... some object to their old-fashioned and seemingly manipulative advice... but I found them oddly comforting.

 

I hope that somewhere deep inside you, there is an awareness that you are SO MUCH MORE than this. That's your ticket out of this mess.

 

What are 'The Rules'? Just did a search and received too many hits. Rules on Men, Woman, etc.

[OpenBook]

What are 'The Rules'? Just did a search and received too many hits. Rules on Men, Woman, etc.

 

The Rules From Ellen and Sherrie. Their website is "therulesbook" - and the 'Rules girl' definition in Wikipedia is based on their philosophy.

[Hurt & Alone]

OB, thanks I think I will look it up.

[safehaven2aplace4us]

There are certain types of people in this world that thrive on the thrill of the chase. Not only mm but ow also. Not that I'm incinuating that you are one of these types.

Sometimes, you just need to force yourself to ignore him. Force yourself to stay away from him etc...

[IWALH]

I know what you mean! I used to be able to really relate to that one song that goes "I hate everything about you (why do i love you?)" As time goes on I am just becoming more and more apathetic to the whole situation. Especially since school has started. It leaves me little time to focus on him and the past. I think it's a good sign that I am starting to feel less and less animosity towards him and more and more apathy. But I do have my days, haha, trust me. And on those days I come on here and bitch (today is actually not one of them though, just surfing during a homework break!), haha.

[Hurt & Alone]

Ok, I went all day Thursday with virtually NC with him. I completly ignored him even when he came around talking with others. He walked by me outside both Thurs and Fri day and smiled but I did not return the gesture. I was feeling quite good about myself and then............Fri as the day was ending I noticed another Female in his office. I dont really care for her much bc she is not all that bright and spends much of her day socializing with just about anyone that will pay attention to her and it is quite distracting when all the rest of us have so much that we are responsible for getting done. Anyway, she was in his office for 1.5 hours socializing about something she thought was funny. Obviouisly he must have thought so too because you could her him laugh. But not the normal laugh, the flirtaous kind. You know the one that when a man is around a female and he is trying to be cute he give off this different persona of himself. Anyway pissed me off to no extent. I left work to have a few drinks with the crew and all I could do was think of him. Actually it has lingered into today. I could have accomplished so much today if I was not so distraught over him. Why do I let this bother me so? He is not with me so, why should I care so much if he is flirting with another co-worker? I dont know, I guess my pains will continue to haunt for far longer than anyone or thing has in the past. Now I am going to stay up all night finishing the things I should have today because I just did not have the strength to pull myself up out of bed for long periods of time and because my mom is coming over tommorrow and I dont want her to know how crushed I still am over this so I have to get the chores done. WTF, this sucks. If someone has advice on how you can make yourself stop loving and thinking about someone please share bc I know the only solutions I have come up sith so far are either impractical at the moment or just too insane.

[Tsuki no Michi]

Hurt and Alone: I am sorry for your predicament. It is in many ways similar to my own, though I am still very much involved with my MW. I cannot tell you how to stop loving him. I cannot even tell you that it's possible. Most times I wonder if it's truly even desirable to do so. Once you've given your heart to someone, whether in the right circumstances or not, there is no going back. Those who tell you to "be strong" may be correct, but in the end it will be a choice not to see him, not a choice not to love him. As much as we might like to believe otherwise, we cannot control our feelings. We can only listen to them, deny them, or try to understand them. Personally I think denying them is the worst option, though the other two don't really offer much comfort at times either.

 

It sounds to me like his flirting with someone else means he's possibly looking for a replacement source of what he had with you. His wife obviously knows about you so you are in some ways dangerous to him, even if he does have feelings for you. I know it hurts to feel like you are being replaced even though you have no real hold over him. For that I am sorry and I wish you peace, though it may take a while. I will pray God sends it to you so that you can find someone who truly deserves you.

 

TNM

[Chrome Barracuda]

Ok, I have been sitting here reading this forum and chime in every so often. Anyways a few posts have reminded me of the things I have doen/said in the past few weeks. So, I figured I would share them with everyone.

To anyone here that does not know my story I had entered into an A with a MM whom was also the Department Manager where I work and his W found out and contacted me on June 3 (I will always remember this day like my own birthday). It ended because she found out. He went out of his way to see me when ever he could and I mean literally out his way 50 miles each way.

I am still having a very hard time accpeting the things he said to me when we were together to him flipping a light switch and acting like there were never any feelings. Yes, I still work there and have to at least for the next year so, leaving at the moment is not an option.

Three weeks ago I went out kinda of early with my immediate supervisor and his fiance and had a few drinks. I returned to work to get my vehicle and he was still there. I sat down to talk with him. I have a tendency not to hold anything back when I have been drinking. Anyway, we ended up going to the parking lot to leave togther and I had the uncontrollable urge to touch him. So as I spoke to him on how much I missed him and how much he meant to me I put my hands on his face (while still talking). He then scooted away from me and had this disgust look on his face. I stated to him that I was not going to hurt him not kiss him anything. i just felt the need to touch him. I bring this up because of the touching the face thing. I did not think I was invading his privacy, if anything things we did while we were together seems to be more of an invasion to me. I called and left a message apologizing right after on his work phone telling him that I am sorry if I invaded his space eventhough his reaction pissed me off to no end.

Last week I had a function that I had to leave early from work. My immediate sup was ok with it and does not care to much what I do because I take care of my own work and his as well (he has it easy bc I take care of everything). I looked phenominal (not to brag). I went into XMM's office to discuss work related issues which involved him needing to make a decsion on a situation. I left his office hurt bc everyone had given me compliments all day and you would think he would have said something nice, but he didnt. How can a person go from telling you are one sexy woman to acting like you are a toad. Story continuing, as I was leaving he was around other co-workers when I said goodbye I am leaving now. he acted surprised that I was leaving. He said "Where are you going so early?" My response "I told you early and my immidate sup is already aware". He then made a remark in front of everyone "I hope you are using your per time". I stormed off pissed bc we had an agreement that all my personal affairs would be handled through imm sup and he said in front of a co-worker that I take he is flirtting with, or at least that is waht it looks like in my eyes. I called him from my cell and he didnt answer. i then called him froma work ext and he answered. i layed into him for about 5 mins about how could he try and embarass me that way, he didnt have to make it an apparent that there is nothing between us and he didnt need to show off in front of his girlfriend etc. The conversation then turned mushy on my end and told him I do not understand how a person can go from what we had to this. I told him that I would be better off if I could still share the emothional A with him with the understand that we would never see each other outside of work and never touch again and I would be ok with that bc it beats feeling like this. He stated that he couldnt do that bc it was like having a piece of fruit placed in front of him and being told he cant touch it. He then said it was a nutty idea and this forum would tell me that it is not logical (yes I told him that I am here but he will never come here and he does not know my name. I also thought if he came here and read he could understand the emotions OW go through during and after an A).

Today he walks by me and says YOU with a nasty look. I reply what and he says nothing. It is obvious I have done something to upset him so I went into his office and asked again after a little pleading he told me he received a few phone calls over the weekend that were called restricted and his w started on him again. It wasnt me, and I explained this to him. He said he believed me but acted differently. At the end of the day I went into the office about his attitidue again and he replies I have no fu..ing attitidue and I replied you do have a fu..ing attidtude. We then got off topic and started talking about what we had for dinner and what was planned that night for dinner. He then added he was having a roast and he is being treated like a King at home. WTF I did not want to hear this especially after last week when he said he would be luck to be on a short leash, he is not even given that luxury. Ended up leaving pissed again.

i dont know why I cant just stay pissed at him. After getting mad I feel bad for it immediatly after and it starts all over again. Maybe I have lost my mind. This has never been the way I handled situations in the past. i dont know why this time with this person it is any different than anyone else.

Anyway, thanks just needed to put this out there and rant about it.

 

 

All of this pain and drama...

 

Why dont you just quit your job?

[Hurt & Alone]

All of this pain and drama...

 

Why dont you just quit your job?

 

I plan on it however, I am stuck there for one more year. I have a child that I am responsible for soley bc my x-h does not do what he is legally bound to do. I know i have security in my job at the moment and that is what takes care of my child. I am almost finished with my degree so once I finish it will be so much easier finding a job. I could easily take another job in my current field within the private industry, I have been approached but I need security at the moment.

I have to choose security over the pain and drama that I endure on a daily basis. If I was not responsible for someone else I would have left the day his W found out.

[Hurt & Alone]

TNM,

Thanks for your reply. It is sad to think that our feelings have control over us and that we do not choose with whom we fall in love with. I will not argue with this sentiment because I know myself it is all to true. I did not chose to fall in love with him as a matter of fact, I stated to him in the beggining not to fall in love with me.

I guess I was thinking there is some way to make myself not care/love him anymore bc he seems to have as he states "he cant so he has turned off the switch". I know I have posted this statment elsewhere but I still do not quite get it because I want to do the same but I am failing miserably at it. Maybe he never had the feelings that I thought we shared.

[Tsuki no Michi]

TNM,

Thanks for your reply. It is sad to think that our feelings have control over us and that we do not choose with whom we fall in love with. I will not argue with this sentiment because I know myself it is all to true. I did not chose to fall in love with him as a matter of fact, I stated to him in the beggining not to fall in love with me.

 

We are a complicated species to be sure. I don't always like the fact that I cannot control my feelings, but I have come to accept it and in some ways it helps me understand myself better. It has led to some interesting insights about myself anyway. With understanding I find comes the ability to actively choose whether to act upon my feelings or to choose to follow where they lead. Once it becomes a choice it's a lot easier to deal with the consequences. Just my experience anyway.

 

 

I guess I was thinking there is some way to make myself not care/love him anymore bc he seems to have as he states "he cant so he has turned off the switch". I know I have posted this statment elsewhere but I still do not quite get it because I want to do the same but I am failing miserably at it. Maybe he never had the feelings that I thought we shared.

 

Sadly there is no way to not love him anymore. However, you can distract yourself from him by engaging in other activities, or as he has probably done, by intentionally seeking out solace elsewhere. I think that's what he means by "flipping the switch." In reality his feelings haven't changed, but he has found that by refocusing on something else, say flirting with another woman, that he doesn't have to deny them, they just kind of fade into the background. You might try something similar yourself, perhaps engage in something you enjoy to take your mind off thoughts of him. The longer you go without having the thoughts, the easier it becomes to focus on what you really want which from what you describe is a way out. I can't say it would be easy, nor can I say it would be fast. But it will happen if you actively work at it.

 

Please understand that none of this means you love him any less. All it means is you choose not to focus on your feelings for him and let other feelings, perhaps the joy of spending time in friendship with one of your girlfriends, come to the forefront of your life. I know you have more feelings than just those you have for him. If you let them, your own feelings and emotions can actually be the catalyst for healing other hurtful ones. I don't know if that helps, but it's a suggestion anyway. One of the worst things people in such situations do is cut themselves off from the things and people who perhaps could help them through the difficult time. Believe me, I know this situation intimately as it is my first inclination when depression starts to set in about my lot in life.

 

TNM

[Hurt & Alone]

The Rules From Ellen and Sherrie. Their website is "therulesbook" - and the 'Rules girl' definition in Wikipedia is based on their philosophy.

OB,

Just wanted to let you know I have ordered the books Rules I and II (package deal). I also ordered Kama Sutra (this was once recommended by someone but for a different reason, not sure why though).

[OpenBook]

OB,

Just wanted to let you know I have ordered the books Rules I and II (package deal). I also ordered Kama Sutra (this was once recommended by someone but for a different reason, not sure why though).

 

I'm so glad to hear that! I hope it helps you like it did me.

 

It is also very encouraging to read that you are still working toward your own goals (getting your degree, taking care of your daughter) - in spite of all the personal pain and turmoil you are currently facing. It takes a very strong person to do that.

 

I hope you realize that it won't be this way forever. This is just a temporary blip on the computer screen of your life.

 

You're doing everything right.

[Hurt & Alone]

I'm so glad to hear that! I hope it helps you like it did me.

 

It is also very encouraging to read that you are still working toward your own goals (getting your degree, taking care of your daughter) - in spite of all the personal pain and turmoil you are currently facing. It takes a very strong person to do that.

 

I hope you realize that it won't be this way forever. This is just a temporary blip on the computer screen of your life.

 

You're doing everything right.

 

The time frame that I have been experiencing this pain and confusion has exisited longer than I had expected it to. I asked one of my closest friends, why I continue to feel this way, it makes no sense to me because its done and will never be again. Her response was the relationship was real and the feelings were true. Hopefully, these books will start putting the intensity of the feelings, the what ifs, and how could I do this to myself at rest.

I like to think of myself as a strong person. I am still standing and functioning, barely but still doing it.

Thanks for your advice and kind words.

[Hurt & Alone]

Ok the week between Sept 3 and 11th went pretty well for me. I had accepted everything I thought I needed to accept. Tried like hell to do NC except for work related issues and then.................out of the blue xmm's w contacted me. She had not contacted me for about 7 weeks so unrecognizing the number I answered and here we go again.

This time seems to be painful than anytime previous. XMM has been trying to get rid of me at work for her. She can not handle the fact that we can work together just fine and there are times that we do need to work togther. Apparently she had hired a mouse within the office and had contact from this mouse relaying info that I had been in his office. Well duh, we have work together and the time she found out about had to do with a meeting that involved other staff members.

Anyway he is doing the one thing I never thought it possible to do, he is watching me and waiting for me to screw up. Of course it is not going to happen but just the action of him doing this is killing me.

I had before this incident applied for another job realizing that my feelings are to strong for him to continue working with him. I did not inform him of this but informed others stating to them that even though I walk around giving the impression that nothing is wrong that I am torn inside. Also, leaving the situation completly may help him with his home issues.

Yesterday walking into the office 10 minutes past eight he is at his table watching for me to walk in. I find this odd even though I had already been informed by my imm sup what he was going to be doing. Xmm never gets to work before 9. He writes email to imm sup that I was late. Pisses me off because I am not an hourly employee.

I go into his office and tell him to stop and let me leave in peace and with what little diginity I have left. His reply is that he is not trying to have me fired. Fast forward to 6 pm. I am still at work did not take a lunch like usual and I am standing outside smoking before going back into the office. I notice him in his office and he waves at me...WTF. So I called him and spoke to him on the phone while looking at him through glass. I ask him again why he is doing this adn tell him that I do not have a problem with what he is doing as long as everyone else gets wriiten up for the same thing. Keep in mind that the other people I am referiing to are also not hourly including him. He says no and that he is not doing this to me and that he is cya and then he corrects himself saying cma (from his wife). I tell him that I can not comprehend a person telling me that he loves nd cares about me would turn around and pull this ****. Making it clear to him he is pushing me to far and it is going to get ugly (he has more to worry about with keeping his job than I do). His reply is that he still cares for me and he wants me to be happy and move on and further suceed in my career, he just cant be with me any longer and that he never lied to me when we were together. He was happy with me and that he did feel as if he had a second home and he wished it did continue but that I knew he would never leave his wife.

This went around in circles for an hour. How can you care about someone and then turn around and try to hurt them. I want to convince myself that he is lieing to me again about the feeling part but because he missed a very important meeting with all head officials tends to make me think his feelings are true. I dont know anymore what to beleive and not to. Hopefully I should hear something about the other psoition within the next week. I feel good about the other position problem is that it will only seperate us by a floor. If this does go through i will be able to sit back and laugh bc not only did his w not suceed at ruining my life but bc I will be promoted, make more money, still have to have some degree of contact with him and he will no longer have his thumb over me.

[OWoman]

Hey H&A

 

holding thumbs for your application!

 

It's not always the OW who loses out in that type of situation. Some time back I worked with (reporting directly to) a MM I had an A with. I ended the A because it was interfering with our working relationships but down the track a jealous colleague - who'd been turned down herself by MM - snooped in his office and found evidence and passed it on to his W, who was also working there by that stage. She went ballistic and caused a huge scene at work and tried her best to sabotage me every way she could. It became impossible for me to do my job and I was expecting that my contract wouldn't be renewed. But it was obvious to everyone else what was going on, and the end result was that both of them got fired.

 

As long as your work is of a good standard, he can't touch you.