Megakurth Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 so anyway I posted a couple months back. I was dumped two weeks before finals and it was like hell on Earth for me. I pulled through, made it through the summer. The beginning was rough.. but feelings went up and down. I went to therapy, worked out some of my other problems (with family, etc) hung out with some friends, lost some weight, had some fun, but at the same time, I feel like I didn't accomplish much. I didn't really talk to any girls, didn't date, etc. The main reason for this was, I worked, no girls my age I worked with really (there was one.. but she wasn't interested at all unfortunately..). Most of my friends also had girlfriends this summer and they gave me the BS "well, why does there need to be girls where we go, I have a girlfriend" durr durr.. I know at the same time, I shouldve went out myself and tried to find them but.. being 20 and not able to really go to bars or anything could be tough sometimes. I went to some shows, made small talk etc but. Anyway, fast forward. Im back in college. Now as you may have read in my other post, my ex is living on my floor (this was not planned) and she works where I do (campus job.. different nights but we still have meetings where we have to see eachother.. I realize never to get someone youre involved with in that way a job). So ive been back 3 days. Saw her, she said hi, gave me back some games that her brothers had borrowed from me and that was pretty much it. Ive seen her walk by a few times, neither of us say anything to eachother. Went out to a party with some friends the other day, she and her "group" passed by and they stopped to talk to a few people and we once again said nothing to eachother. I still get the urge to check her facebook and stuff and I act upon it all the time. I guess im nosy as hell.. and I guess a little piece of me still hangs on. I look at it like "aww she was the love of my life.. wa waaa" and other times "hell.. im 20 years old.. ive got a good amount of time ahead of me still". I guess just seeing her again brought back alot of these lonely feelings. Its not like im not having a good time so far.. but I feel like im still holding on by something, and im still having these mood swings from severe happiness to severe sadness. I lost weight this summer (15 pounds), took up guitar, did some other things. She gained weight, and other than that, I don't care. I hate to put it this way, but I guess it gives me a little bit of something inside that says "you did well this summer". I even got some girls number at a party (the girl seems out of my league.. she gave it to me since I gave her a beer, but I haven't had the nerve to call or text.. because once again im doubting myself). I guess its wierd being around someone that you loved so much, and now its like you don't even know them. I hate to say this as well, but if she was miserable, id feel like I was happy. She also got involved with her friends that pretty much ditched her and were mean to hell to her last semester and stuff.. guess she crawls back. I never imagined her this way, good little catholic girl.. etc.. but I guess people really do change.. some for the better.. some for the worse. I think I am gonna talk to the school counselor, see if he can help me with the mood swings, something to help balance me abit (this was actually at the discretion of my summer counselor as well). Any advice would be great.. As you can see by this post.. half is good.. half is bad.. and its how I am half of the time.. maybe I just need to make myself whole again..
Scorpio13c Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Hey Mega, I'm sorry for your hurt. You're doing a good thing by realizing you're "Half in half out" because that really means you are healing & dealing with it in a very mature manure, you are really "Half out". Guitar is a great thing, trust me, i'm a established guitar player & music has saved me through many a heartbreak, definately take it up! Don't worry about not having a girlfriend when your friends do, one day you'll have one & they may not, but judging by your mentailty, you'll have one soon & wonder why you felt bad now..You'll see My best Scorp
Author Megakurth Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 I still think the hardest part is seeing her. I see her walk by.. and I tense up abit, my heart races abit, and I get the urge to sit down and relax for a minute to get myself back on my feet. I have a feeling the upcoming work meeting is gonna be hell.. when im in the same room with her I get nervous and get shaky.. Its hard sometimes. The person you knew so well and knew you so well.. now its like you two don't even know eachother and never did.. thats the feeling that hurts.. My main problem is still cooling myself down and being able to relax around her.. she makes me uneasy still..
Scorpio13c Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 That's natural man, don't worry about it. If you know you are going to see her, take a couple of minutes beforehand & take a few deep breaths, hold them, then let them out slowly. It's usually you're not breathing properly that attributes to the tense shakes. This will calm you down. After that, just think to yourself "I'm a confident good lookin Guy, I won't let this girl make me nervous!", afterall, she may be nervous too, so don't you show her you are. Good luck Mega, i know you'll be fine! Scorp
CrazyPanda Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 no worries I'm pretty much in the same position as you are. My ex broke it off about a month ago and we work in the same area. I at least run into her once a day and her new boyfriend works there also. It's really painful to just see her and know you're no longer with her and for me, it's the worst to see her together with the new guy holding hands and stuff. All I can say is that, things will get better. I too feel like I'm still holding on to her even though I know I shouldn't. I just try to shurg it off everytime I see them together but I try to be polite and say hi to her when I see her though. I feel like it would be rude to just ignore her and pretend the three years I had with her didn't exist. I'm half in and out also. I got moments of happiness but as soon as I see her or i have time alone, bam! moments of depression. Just take one thing at a time. It's not as bad as it use to be though. Time always heal, you'll be whole again.
Author Megakurth Posted August 31, 2007 Author Posted August 31, 2007 I don't know sometimes... For example.. last night, I went to the Union (its where we both work), to take out money from the ATM (I was going to the pub with a few of the guys), and she happened to be working. It was just awkward walking by. I gave her a slight wave just to show that im trying to at least be friendly, nothing back. Then this morning, I had class.. and low and behold, guess whos getting on the elevator at the same time. We were on it... and it happened to stop at every floor. The shakes came back, neither of us said anything to eachother. She just looked away, and I just kind of looked at the wall.. She almost looked upset.. I couldn't tell because I couldn't directly look at her.. Today now we have a work meeting.. we'll be in the same room.. same table.. all having to introduce eachother to the new staff.. etc.. I don't know how the hell im gonna do it but.. Would it one day be wise to IM her or stop by her room or something and say that the awkwardness needs to somehow cease because its making us uncomfortable? Or should I just continue with the No Contact as ive been doing. We haven't talked in over 4 months.. but its like every time I see her.. it brings me back a month or two.. Id love to ask her if feelings still exist.. but I know thatd be the worst thing.. especially for me. I was the one dumped, I shouldn't go crawling back.. as much as id like to at this stage.. I know in the end.. I can do better.. I can be with someone who wants me for who I am.. its just hard having to see her.. hopefully ill get my internship next semester and be able to go about four hours away for a semester and not have to deal with this.. at this moment though.. im back to the stage where "I wish there was still something between us.." any advice?
Diplok Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I even got some girls number at a party (the girl seems out of my league.. she gave it to me since I gave her a beer' date=' but I haven't had the nerve to call or text.. because once again im doubting myself). .[/quote'] That girl is out of your league. Not because she is better than you in any way, shape or form but because you have a defeatist attitude. No one is out of anyone's league. It's all in your mind and knowing how to take rejection when it happens.
Saxis Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I would just try to keep your distance, but when you run into her, just be friendly and act like it doesn't bother you. Wave, say Hi, whatever. It's not like you hate each other, right? Trust me, my STBXW lived with me for 2 months after she told me she wanted the divorce, and about the credit card debt she was hiding. I was certainly angry, but I didn't hate her. It was much easier to just be polite than to start a fight or ignore each other while the anger takes over.
Author Megakurth Posted September 1, 2007 Author Posted September 1, 2007 I would just try to keep your distance, but when you run into her, just be friendly and act like it doesn't bother you. Wave, say Hi, whatever. It's not like you hate each other, right? Trust me, my STBXW lived with me for 2 months after she told me she wanted the divorce, and about the credit card debt she was hiding. I was certainly angry, but I didn't hate her. It was much easier to just be polite than to start a fight or ignore each other while the anger takes over. Ive been friendly, but I can tell its just awkward for both of us. Its not like wed start a fight, but I can tell its sort of hard for us to really acknowledge eachother, although im gonna try. In regards to the thing about that girl being out of my league, it wasn't really just about that. The girl was one of those "floaters" at the parties, kinda floats from people to people. I gave her a beer simply because we were gonna have to ditch em eventually anyway and I figured what the hell. She was with some other group of guys after, but I did it for the pure value of being able to talk to someone, etc.
Author Megakurth Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 so anyway, the work meeting went well.. she showed up late and I luckily didn't have to talk conversation with her or anything though.. her sister is now our newest employee though (wonderful..). Anyway, that Saturday she called my roomate (whos she still considers a friend, and hes not gonna be a dick) to sign some of her friends in (the guy was one of them), he said the guy was kinda giving him a chin up type look and he just looked at the guy with a look like "youre a sad sad man, youre not gonna get anywhere with her you dick". Anyway then they offered my roomate some shots and he said no (hes a good friend.. hes loyal). Anyway, we went to a party.. and low and behold.. GUESS WHOS THERE!! dum dum dumm dummm my ex! Then she came up, said hi, told me she had the best summer of her life and stuff... (even though her facebook status was always depressed, sad, miserable.. etc).. then she said we should try to avoid the awkwardness on the elevator. Anyway, then someone yelled that the cops were coming or something and her and her posse left the party.. which gave me some relief. I started talking to some girl, probably couldve hooked up with her (she invited me in the bathroom with her.. man am I stupid for saying id wait outside and stand guard... ) Then I go blocked by some other guy and he started making out with her (it was like an hour or so later). Anyway, I still have the dreams.. im still having my ups and downs.. and im still having these images in my head (what is she doing right now, is she having sex with that guy or something?) Why do I care? Why should I care? Im keeping myself occupied, ive got my guitar, my schoolwork, VP of my club, an internship opportunity coming up, and im joining Rugby (even though im a little guy, hell, great way to take out my anger). I do find im smoking cigarettes more.. eating less.. and feeling ups and downs.. I feel like the depression might be starting to come back. Things look up in my future, but women wise.. its pretty barren right now. Im going out again this weekend, then to a show on Sunday, hoping to maybe meet someone there, even if its just more friends. Sorry for the emoish rant but.. this is usually how I feel after a day at work.. down and angry
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