mizzy_C Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 my ex and i have been dating for over a year now. about a month ago he broke up with me because he had heard that i cheated on him even though i did not. (he has trust issues) we broke off contact for a week or so and then started talking again via phone. he decided he wanted to give us another chance. but just recently, he told me he wants to be 'just friends' with me because it bugs him too much. i know he still cares and loves me, but he says he does not want a girlfriend right now. he still wants to hang out with me and talk to me, and when we're together he tends to treat me like his girlfriend, which makes me happy because i DO want to be with him, but how do i get him to want to be with me too? should i just act calm and cool and a good friend to him and see how it goes from there????
sweetbutcheeky Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 my ex and i have been dating for over a year now. about a month ago he broke up with me because he had heard that i cheated on him even though i did not. (he has trust issues) we broke off contact for a week or so and then started talking again via phone. he decided he wanted to give us another chance. but just recently, he told me he wants to be 'just friends' with me because it bugs him too much. i know he still cares and loves me, but he says he does not want a girlfriend right now. he still wants to hang out with me and talk to me, and when we're together he tends to treat me like his girlfriend, which makes me happy because i DO want to be with him, but how do i get him to want to be with me too? should i just act calm and cool and a good friend to him and see how it goes from there???? I would say do what you just said, play it cool, be a friend (even though it will be heard if it just feel the same as being a gf) and see how it goes from there. Though do you want to be with someone who doesn't trust you? Who would take other people's words over yours? Assuming you have him no reason not to.
jcster Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 If he's so into being single right now, I would bet that he used your supposed cheating as an excuse to break up with you. I personally wouldn't give him the time of day after that behavior. Why don't you find someone that wants a relationship and that will trust you over anyone else.
yergawd Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Sorry JCSTR going to have to disagree with you for once, sort of. He says he wants to be friends, that sounds like a good chance to spend time with him and see if you even want to give him a second chance. Hang out AS A FRIEND. See if his trust issues are still there, if they are hey we can all use a friend, if they seem to be better see about taking it back to the BF/GF realm. But do it with your eyes wide open. Don't look at it as 'how do I get him back?' think of it as 'he has this chance to prove himself worthy of me AS A FRIEND'
jcster Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 He says he wants to be friends, that sounds like a good chance to spend time with him and see if you even want to give him a second chance. Hang out AS A FRIEND. See if his trust issues are still there, if they are hey we can all use a friend, if they seem to be better see about taking it back to the BF/GF realm. But do it with your eyes wide open. Don't look at it as 'how do I get him back?' think of it as 'he has this chance to prove himself worthy of me AS A FRIEND' I think that would be good advice if the OP wasn't interested in getting him back. As it stands, she says that he "treats her like a girlfriend" when they hang out together. When I read that he said he wasn't into a relationship, but he still wanted to be friends, I just read that as "I want a FWB situation." I think that he knows if he tried for that he might get it. Maybe I'm just cynical.
yergawd Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I think that would be good advice if the OP wasn't interested in getting him back. As it stands, she says that he "treats her like a girlfriend" when they hang out together. When I read that he said he wasn't into a relationship, but he still wanted to be friends, I just read that as "I want a FWB situation." I think that he knows if he tried for that he might get it. Maybe I'm just cynical. No I agree with the FWB attempt that's why I highlighted AS FRIENDS repetedly. I should have been a little more precise I suppose. If he is just looking for a booty call. That should come through pretty fast. As long as the OP is willing and able to not go there she will be able to judge him better. So what I should have said is: Yes go hang out with him and have fun as just friends only. If he tries to take it any further let him know that it's relationship or nada (if you really want a relationship with him not just FWB). Then do not go further let him prove to you that he wants to indeed have a relationship not just saying so in the moment to get the booty call. I just meant this would be a good opportunity for you to see if you want to be with him considering his trust issues. Sometimes I am so vague sorry about that
Author mizzy_C Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 so what if he doesn't want a relationship with me, should i go with the friends with benefits or would that ruin everything? im thinking maybe if i just leave him alone for a while he might miss me and want to come back to me and if not then i guess i will get over it.
jcster Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 so what if he doesn't want a relationship with me, should i go with the friends with benefits or would that ruin everything? im thinking maybe if i just leave him alone for a while he might miss me and want to come back to me and if not then i guess i will get over it. NO! Do not go for the FWB. In fact, if he asks for that, I personally would tell him to shove it. Especially after he broke up with you in the first place. Definitely DO NOT. What Yergawd was trying to get across is that you have an opportunity to see where his head is at, if you can accept ONLY being a platonic friend with him right now. Do not attempt to hang out with him if you can't keep it platonic. Personally, I vote for getting over it and finding a better guy.
yergawd Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 NO! Do not go for the FWB. In fact, if he asks for that, I personally would tell him to shove it. Especially after he broke up with you in the first place. Definitely DO NOT. What Yergawd was trying to get across is that you have an opportunity to see where his head is at, if you can accept ONLY being a platonic friend with him right now. Do not attempt to hang out with him if you can't keep it platonic. You go FWB why would he want a relationship? If you want a relationship you have to decide 100% firm NO FWB. It will most likely not progress to a relationship from FWB and if you want a relationship odds are you will feel used from any other type of arrangement. Only if he wants a relationship (I would say exclusive but that's just me) and is willing to prove it by going slow and having it be about the two of your happiness not just sex. If he can't do that then give up on the relationship idea and "find a better man"
Author mizzy_C Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 well he made it pretty clear he doesnt want a relationship so i dont know if JUST being friends with him will change that or not, FWB probably won't either. i'm stuck and confused:confused:
yergawd Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 well he made it pretty clear he doesnt want a relationship so i dont know if JUST being friends with him will change that or not, FWB probably won't either. i'm stuck and confused:confused: Really look at your situation 1 He does not want a rlationship and you are sure of this 2 You are sure you want a relationship 3 You know FWB will not change his mind Only one question left Do you want to, and are you willing to, only be his friend? If you need more than walk on by and don't look back. If you are you willing to only be his friend don't blur that line because it will tear you up inside. I would imagine the sight of him with another woman would also. I am changing my vote, find someone else that is looking for the same thing you are.
jcster Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 i'm stuck and confused You're only stuck because you haven't decided to move on. Right now, you have no chance of a relationship with him, because he doesn't want one. I personally would vote for not trying to be friends with him right now, because you're hoping for something else. Why put yourself through that frustration? To my thinking, he lost the right to your friendship when he accused you of cheating and then dumped you. Let him suffer the consequences of his actions, it will be a learning experience for him.
amber1 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Yeah I would probably try to avoid this guy as much as you can. If you don't, you will likely become a friend with benefits, especially if you still like him. If he wants you he knows how to get in touch with you. You may not want him back though...you don't need the stress of someone with trust issues.
sweetbutcheeky Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 well he made it pretty clear he doesnt want a relationship so i dont know if JUST being friends with him will change that or not, FWB probably won't either. i'm stuck and confused:confused: You could see how he likes it. Tell him you can't just be friends with him. You didn't do anything wrong, so it's not fair that he is treating you like you did.
Author mizzy_C Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 soooooo now he is totally keeping to himself, which is well whatever. i'll keep to myself too:p but why!!! he hardly talks and just isnt around. getting over me or just ignoring me?
Arizona100 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 I was young, 17, but without knowing it I did the right thing to win my ex back (Although that was NOT my goal). It was June when he broke up, I didn't call, didn't try to contact him ONCE, I spent all summer taking care of me, having fun (although at first i was so miserable lol!!!). Guess what, in September he called me and we went back together. *HE* wanted to get back to me. At first I had this "what the hell?" kind of reaction, I had worked to get over the guy. But anyway, I guess that to give him his space made him realize he wanted me. We broke up again a year later, he was ready for something steady, I was too "wild". So anyway, you want him back? Cut any contacts and work on being happy. If he comes back he comes back.. if not? At least you'll be happy!
Beauty28 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Honestly I think the whole thing was just an excuse to break up with you so that he could do the very thing he accused you of. But I could be wrong. That's just in my past experiences though. As others have said before..... I think you should move on too. He's not worth it. If he doesn't atleast want to be your friend either than he clearly doesn't value you. If he ever tries to come back..... which jerks like this usually always do (not trying to give you false hope though)..... I would treat him exactly how he treated you or just slam the door in his face if your not a revenge type of person.
ls707 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 if you dont mind me asking, how did this whole "rumor" of cheating start?? Was it something a jealous friend made up? or was it in some other way bought up through your actions with some one else?
Arizona100 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Whatever you decide, your goal should be to be happy with yourself. You can't win someone back if you aren't happy, that's my opinion. Now is he a jerk or not, I don't know. For sure his attitude kinda sucks.
Author mizzy_C Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 his attitude DOES suck. i am starting to believe that he is using this whole guilt thing on me to just control the relationship but he ran it off into the ditch anyways. don't know if that is where he was headed or not. but really... shouldnt i be the one sad here. so far today is the first day with NC. it seems so much longer then just a day. i think ill just wait until hes ready to talk to me. lord speak of the devil haha he just msg'ed me on msn.....
daphne Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 his attitude DOES suck. i am starting to believe that he is using this whole guilt thing on me to just control the relationship but he ran it off into the ditch anyways. Don't forget this part no matter what he does from this point on. This is very telling of his personality and you could end up on an emotional roller coaster with his nonsense.
Arizona100 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I know it's easy to just reply and get the attention he might give you here and there, but honestly.. I'd just go total ignore. You can always say that since he broke up, you feel like YOU need some space for a little while and thats actually the opportunity to go have fun or something. If he asks for how long you can always say "I dont know, days, weeks, not sure". And remember, YOU need space, you don't give a crap about what he needs. You take care of ..*you*... If you keep running to him as soon as he calls, thats a recipe for catastrophe.
Author mizzy_C Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 no, watever, i'll do the small talk. but anything else is a nadda, i can't be a total b*tch to people and just ignore them.. just how i am i guess. but im trying to put my foot down on this one. if he tries to get back with me hes got to PROVE he wants to be with me, control is with me now! hehe.
Arizona100 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Men (and women) are sharks, they smell blood from so far .. so I'd be careful, if you give him attention.. he might guess that you want him back. Up to you. Now log off of your messenger and go read a book
Author mizzy_C Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 haha i'm back and forth between here and watching a movie so he's definatly not getting that much attention:p
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