dragonfly07 Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I have recently been dumped again by my boyfriend. We dated off and on for about two years. The way I see it there are a few major problems. The biggest problem is that he can't accept that I am friends with an old X. When we first met, I was dating said X. This guy and I had dated for about 6 years. He asked my dad if he could marry me, then a few weeks before I was supposed to move in with him, he told me I was pressuring him. I started seeing the other guy. I kept telling him that I liked him, but I was not ready for anything serious. I need time to heal, but he kept at me and we dated. I would still talk to my X, go out to dinner and drinks and it drove the new guy crazy, yet we still moved in together. I moved out in January. My X is the one who has helped me move, who's shoulder I've cried on and the one who has been there just to listen. Everytime the new guy and I try to get back together, the X becomes an issue. I keep saying that if I wanted to be back with him, I would be, that he is more like a brother than anything else, but the new guy doesn't believe me. He tells me that none of his friends are friends with their X's and it's rude and mean of me to be. I know I should have had them meet and try to get them to know each other. I probably should have answered my phone when I was out with my X, but it just seemed so controlling, like he was checking up on me. Now he's not talking to me and I just have that horrible pit in my stomach. I can't seem to do anything and feel like I am on the verge of a panic attack. So my question is this, is he a control freak or am I the problem? Any advice would help. I still love this guy and I miss him so much it hurts.
Enema Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I can sympathize with your boyfriend. I don't think it's a wise move to have your ex-fiance as the friend that you go to for comfort when you have relationship issues. In your boyfriends' mind it's worse again because your he told you that you were pressuring him and broke it off... so to boyfriend it seems like if your ex-fiance decides he wants you back, you'll jump. Regardless of what you say to him now, he will understandably think you're just waiting for another chance and that he's temporary guy.
Author dragonfly07 Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 I can see your point. However, when the X told me I was pressuring him I thought that after six years if he thought I was pressuring him he wasn't my person, so I was the one who ended it.
nittygritty Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Your relationship with your ex that you dated for 6 years goes way beyond friendship. You have had sex with him, you were still dating him when you met the recent ex, he helped move you out in January and he is the shoulder you have been crying on, nobody would be able tolerate the emotional affair that you have been having with the ex that you dated for 6 years. Your recent ex put up with a lot! It doesn't sound like you have been very fair to either man nor treated them decently. When your first ex told you that he felt like you were pressuring him, you immediately started seeing the second ex. When you and the second ex broke up over your relationship with your first ex, you have the first ex come move you out of the second ex's place. You have been cruel to both men and your trying to play the part of the victim in this when you have created most of the problems by not letting go when a relationship ends. I think you need to take the time to heal from the ending of both relationships. It doesn't sound like you have been ready for a healthy relationship. Learn from the mistakes that were made in both experiences and then you will be able to offer yourself completely to one man and enjoy a healthy, loving, committed, loyal, monogamous relationship.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 I'd dump you too! Pick one and go for it... you cant have both!
magda Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Most people would have a problem with your behavior. You've been together for 2 years on and off and you haven't introduced him to your ex at all nor do you answer the phone if you're with your ex? He has tolerated that for far too long.
climbergirl Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 I understand your situation and went through something similar. It took me awhile to see things from my boyfriends point of view--that keeping an ex around (not to mention dinner and drinks) makes your current boyfriend feel that you are creating a back up, regardless of your feelings towards your ex. In addition, I believe that, except in extreme circumstances, your ex is hanging around because he does want to get back together with you. And that isn't fair to your current boyfriend. Occasional phone calls to the ex is ok, I think. But hanging out together is just asking for trouble. If a future with your boyfriend is what you want, you must choose him and let the ex go.
annabelle75 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 If your ex really is more of a brother to you now than anything, than I disagree with everyone above. If there are still lingering feelings for one or both of you, than I agree with everyone above. If you are truly just friends with your ex than you should have introduced them and handled things better form the beginning. But since we can't go back in time and change things all you can do is move forward. If your freidnship with your ex is really important to you than you need to talk to your BF, explain it, and then ask him if he would like to meet him. If he is not going to believe what you say, you need to show him through your actions. If there are lingering feelings between you and your ex, than you need to resolve those and make a choice. You can't have both.
niceguy27 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 I agree. You have to make a wholehearted decision and stick with it. You cant go back and forth like that. It's bad for both parties involved.
oppath Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Here is a healthy boundary: Friends with the ex? Cool. Then your current boyfriend should be introduced to him, as in "ex, this is my boyfriend." If your ex is JUST A FRIEND, he should be introduced to your boyfriend as a friend. If it is too uncomfortable for you or your ex to go through that, then it means he is not just a friend, that the emotions go beyond friendship. If your ex can't handle being just a friend given your new relationship, then it means you shouldn't be talking to him much, and certainly not seeing him, unless he can be just a friend. And that means being able to meet the new boyfriend. This boundary should be asserted as soon as you become exclusive with someone. "Ex, I'm seeing someone new and am really hopeful about where this might go. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings by telling you this. In fact, I want to keep you in my life and be friends, but I need to be honest with you because I value you and my new boyfriend. Do you think you can handle being just friends and even meeting my new boyfriend?" Yes, that conversation would be awkward, but it is NOT too much to ask. Your bf (now ex I guess) tolerated a lot. He was not controlling at all based on your description. Why couldn't you answer your phone when out with your ex? Because it would be awkward for him? That doesn't make any sense. What if it was an emergency your current bf was in? And did you tell him in advance "I'm hanging out with ex tomorrow. Is that ok?" Or did you just lie about your whereabouts? Your now-ex sounds very patient. My last gf would say "I'm hanging out with my ex tomorrow, so you can't call me, ok?" Because she didn't want to hurt his feelings by revealing she had gotten into a new relationship so soon. I was ok with them hanging out, but me saying "I want you to tell him you have a boyfriend" was controlling for her. It wasn't. My boundaries were very liberal. I felt intensely disrespected and invisible by her actions. Since the breakup, I have a simple rule. If I get into a new relationship, and the girl is friends with her ex, I need to be able to meet him, and if it is a recent ex, they shouldn't be hanging out one-on-one unless this can happen and I can witness they truly are just friends. It's not too much to ask within the context of a relationship. It might be uncomfortable for the two of them (my girl and her ex), but if that is the case, then they aren't JUST FRIENDS. If you were to reverse your situation, I doubt you would be cool with your boyfriend hiding his whereabouts regarding an ex, him going to her to resolve problems with your relationship, etc. Put the shoe on the other foot. If you are out with your ex, and your current bf calls, YES, you should answer. What reason is there not to answer? If you tell him in advance what your plans are and you ask him if it's ok, and he says yes but then calls to interrupt, that is a bit controlling. From your description, however, it sounds like you weren't upfront about your friendship with the ex and hid details to not hurt your current bf's feelings, which made him feel invisible and that his feelings were placed second to that of your ex's.
ls707 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 i think ur bf (now current X) has tolerated a lot. You are having what would seem to be another relationship with your prev. x. To what ends i have no idea. Put yourself in his shoes (ur current Xs shoes), before you thinks hes a control freak. If you like a guy a lot(even love maybe) and he kept having his previous X around always, for him to derive comfort from or run to for help or not pick up your calls when hes with her or confide in her presence and not yours, how would that make u feel? Sorry to say this but, in a sense, your hurting two people(ur prev x and ur current x) here and the problem is yours.
wreckedhorse Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 if you do decide that you want to make amends with your latest boyfriend, then you need to accept responsibility for any mistakes that you may have made. responsibility to yourself would also include expressing your motivations for perhaps overriding your boyfriend's emotional needs/expectations with your ex's in certain situations.. i agree with what people have posted if how they are interpreting your actions are accurate. and a question for you, when you say that at times when he would say things or react a certain way, it made you feel like he's controlling, can you go more into detail how and exactly why it did? was it a matter of feeling like he was imposing a need on you that you couldn't exactly deal with or didn't know how to deal with at the time? do you feel like he's controlling in other areas of your life or does it feel that way when it comes to this ex-boyfriend issue? what's he like in other areas- like supporting your interests/etc? best of luck~!
Author dragonfly07 Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 Thanks for all of the advice. I guess I was being overly sensitive to someone being controlling because I was involved with someone who did tell me who I could and couldn't be friends with. My friends have just been saying what I want to hear and I couldn't see my bf's point of view. It was actually helpful to read everyone's comments to be able to see his point of view. To wrecked horse- The only other thing that I thought that was controlling was that he would go out all night mon-thurs, when I had to be at work early and couldn't go. On Friday when he got his daughter, he wanted me to come right home from work and hang out with them, but that was the only night I could hang out with my best girl friend. We have opposite schedules. Granted, when he got off of work, I was already in bed, but it seemed unfair that he could go out every night and the one night I could hang with my best girl, he didn't want me to go out. Right now, he is thinking things through and deciding what he wants. If he decides to give me another shot, I will try to make him as comfortable with my X as I can, hanging out together, answering every call, whatever. But the thing is if I met someone new, my X would just be a friend, not the guy I was dating when I met them. Is there anyway around that or am I going to have to choose between a great friend who knows I don't want to date him and has been listening to me cry and whine about new bf and the man that I think I want to marry? I just don't think you get many good friends in your life and you should hold onto the ones you have that have proven themselves to you. Or is that still me wanting my cake and eating it too?
climbergirl Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Thanks for all of the advice. I guess I was being overly sensitive to someone being controlling because I was involved with someone who did tell me who I could and couldn't be friends with. My friends have just been saying what I want to hear and I couldn't see my bf's point of view. It was actually helpful to read everyone's comments to be able to see his point of view. To wrecked horse- The only other thing that I thought that was controlling was that he would go out all night mon-thurs, when I had to be at work early and couldn't go. On Friday when he got his daughter, he wanted me to come right home from work and hang out with them, but that was the only night I could hang out with my best girl friend. We have opposite schedules. Granted, when he got off of work, I was already in bed, but it seemed unfair that he could go out every night and the one night I could hang with my best girl, he didn't want me to go out. Right now, he is thinking things through and deciding what he wants. If he decides to give me another shot, I will try to make him as comfortable with my X as I can, hanging out together, answering every call, whatever. But the thing is if I met someone new, my X would just be a friend, not the guy I was dating when I met them. Is there anyway around that or am I going to have to choose between a great friend who knows I don't want to date him and has been listening to me cry and whine about new bf and the man that I think I want to marry? I just don't think you get many good friends in your life and you should hold onto the ones you have that have proven themselves to you. Or is that still me wanting my cake and eating it too? That depends on how your ex feels, though. Does he still want to be with you? Does he want what is best for you even if it isn't him? Would he be comfortable hanging out with you and your boyfriend?
Author dragonfly07 Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 I took oppath's advice and talked with the X. I told him that I really love the new guy and I would need him to do what ever he could to make bf comfortable. He said he would, he just wants to see me happy. Now bf is thinking about things and we will talk soon.
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