Damage done by parent?

[Cerise]

This is going to be a little hard to explain without giving you the wrong impression so bare with me please

 

My H is a step father to my three kids, when I met him, 5yrs ago, he really hadn't been around children much at all and everything was new and hard for him.

 

He dosn't explain himself very well, what he says is offten not what he means especially if frusterated ect. he does it to me often, then we end up arguing and all to do with a missunderstanding.

 

When it comes to my kids he has a tendancing to say somthing and it be missunderstood, he is not good at explaining things to them it comes out very point blank with as few of words as possible. He won't go back and explain things after and if he fights with one of them he won't go and talk to them about it after, I have noticed over the last few days that he is trying to talk to them after since I told him he has no balls, saying that he couldn't apoligize or admit worng.

 

I often end up steping in, which is bad I know, but if I don't he will fight with my youngest for ages and get mad and she will throw a tantrum for hours, all to do with lack of explanation, I go in and talk to her about what he was wanting and explain it to her for him and then it is ussally fine, I don't do it to override him or smooth everything over I do it because the tantrum is unnessasary and could be stoped if she just understood what was going on and what he wanted from her.

 

Anyhow to try and get to my point, not long after we first met, my middle child would tell me he said things, inappropiate things, like name calling or being mean ect, I would get angry and call him on it, and he would always deny it and say that he said... thus making me think that she may have missunderstood him.

 

This has continued to be a problem, I got to a point where I didn't really belive her, I thought she was trying to get him in trouble with me and realized I had created that by getting mad at him, so I would just brush it off and offten tell her she missunderstood or talk to him about it privatly and he would tell me what he said and all would be fine. Then a couple of months ago he was fighting with my youngest about somthing, don't remeber what, anyhow he called her a little monster, and my middle chlid got mad at him and he ended up sending her to her room and she was hysteracl, I han't heard any of it. i went to talk to her and see why she was so mad and she told me this and I talked to him, he explained that she had said it to him, and I got My middle one to come out and talk with us, I led the conversation and tried to shed light on it to help her understand that she missunderstood, they talked a little with me medating and they were better.

 

A little while later I was in my room (right beside hers) and I could hear him disaplining her for somthing and she was back talking him and they were yelling at each other, any how she said to him, thats why no one likes you and then his voice went quiet and he said it back, saying that is why she has no friends but his voice was very quiet so that no one would hear. I couldn't belive it! I went in to tuck her into bed and she said I have to tell you somthing, I just told her, it is ok, I heard it. I went and talked to him with out her knowing it cause I didn't want her to think she can get him into trouble. I told him he needed to talk to her about it and apolgize and he wouldn't and didn't that was 3 weeks ago!

 

I felt sick to my stomach, because now I question everything she has ever told me about him and her, I worry because if anything ever happend to her she is suposed to come to me and tell me, now I feel like I have taught her that mom won't do anything about it so why tell her also I trusted him, and now I don't in that way.

 

I know my daughter and she is good at dramtizing and exagerating things, she has been known to lie and so I take what she says with a grain of salt, I also know my H loves my kids and is really good to them for the most part. But I worry about what effect I am having on her, I really don't know what I am suposed to do I feel so stuck in the middle, I wish he would just grow up.

 

I am posting this in the parenting secton cause my biggest concern is how to help her. Any advice and opinions would be apprictated

[yergawd]

Well I hope I can be some help to you. When mmy son and I moved in with my GF he was having a very hard time adjusting. He was acting out more and I was disciplining him more. One day after having him in time out, he was crying and upset (not a new occurence but I wanted to address it with him.) I pulled him back when he came out of the room and I told him "You are the most important thing in the world to me. You are more important than anyone else. "Jane" (GF, changed name) or her kids and I will always stand by you. If it seems like I am being hard on you it's because I know how great you are..." Anyway letting him know he was more important to me than my GF. and that I would be there for him no matter what really made him understand.

I think letting your kids know that THEY are and always will be number one will make them feel better then telling your husband what you had told your kids will get the message across to him. I would also in no uncertain words tell him that you will not have any disrespect given to your kids and that he is an adault and should not be name calling. If he has a problem with them he needs to be courteous and mature and realize they will say mean things to him. No it's not OK but he needs to accept this as they ARE children.

At least that is what I would do GOOD LUCK

[Jinnah]

A little while later I was in my room (right beside hers) and I could hear him disaplining her for somthing and she was back talking him and they were yelling at each other, any how she said to him, thats why no one likes you and then his voice went quiet and he said it back, saying that is why she has no friends but his voice was very quiet so that no one would hear. I couldn't belive it! I went in to tuck her into bed and she said I have to tell you somthing, I just told her, it is ok, I heard it. I went and talked to him with out her knowing it cause I didn't want her to think she can get him into trouble. I told him he needed to talk to her about it and apolgize and he wouldn't and didn't that was 3 weeks ago!...

 

 

 

...I know my daughter and she is good at dramtizing and exagerating things, she has been known to lie and so I take what she says with a grain of salt, I also know my H loves my kids and is really good to them for the most part. But I worry about what effect I am having on her, I really don't know what I am suposed to do I feel so stuck in the middle, I wish he would just grow up.

 

I am posting this in the parenting secton cause my biggest concern is how to help her. Any advice and opinions would be apprictated

 

I would think that you would realize the kids were telling you the truth about the things he says when you HEARD him LOWER HIS VOICE and tell her something that is MENTALLY ABUSIVE to a CHILD. You have now taught her that you do not trust her and also that your H is more important that her. Your husband has some sort of problem... sounds like he resents your kids... that is BAD. You need to quickly get into family counseling and if he can't control himself (like an adult should), then you should separate until he can.

 

The guys sounds like a creep (sorry to be so blunt) and I would not let him get away with this. He needs help. Yes, parents can hurt their children and it sounds like this is happening here.

 

As far as calling her dramatic, etc., that is just you making excuses for your husbands behavior so you don't have to face reality. If you really want help for your poor daughter get some help with this situation immediately. Do not stand for this.

[Trialbyfire]

He's emotionally abusive to your children. Please remember that your children are tantamount and a stepfather is not. It's good that you were able to personally experience what your daughter has been telling you now, for awhile.

 

Btw, I would talk to her again and instead of saying you heard, let her tell you her version of it. There maybe more she'll divulge that you might not have heard.

 

If you're determined to keep this marriage together, I would tell your husband that all forms of discipline must come from you since he's unable to communicate effectively. Individual and marriage counseling might not be a bad idea for the entire family. Your children might benefit from IC for themselves.

[kobegirl]

This is even hard for me to say because i know i am in a situation with my husband is a step father to one of my two children . but I have to say the first thing that comes to mind is that he is intentionally , secretly hurting your children . this isnt just going to hurt their feelings. this will eventually change who they are as people and unfortunately make them as bitter with you as they will be with him . when i was younger my mother had a boyfriend who lived with us , this guy was terrible to me , my mom new it ..he would call me names and such and tell my mom he didnt say anything to me . my mom knew he was saying things because she heard him once or twice . i thought she would help me . .but instead she told me to ignore him and such or that s the way he is dont worry about it ... let me just say when i reached adulthood I moved out but I just felt no urge to speak to my mother at all . I did still but our relationship was permanantly damaged. it was never really a close relationship after a while. I understood that she wanted a man in her life so that she wouldnt be lonely . i didnt want her to be lonely either so I didnt say anything to make her sad or upset but like i said in the end we were far from being close. I have to say you must try to stop him . if he does not stop you may have to take things into a more serious direction such as seperation . I know , your thinking disagreements about disciplining children isnt enough to warrant seperation . but i have to say this situation wont get better , it i will only get worse if it does not stop. It sounds like to me that he doesnt have enough respect for you to tell you straigh t up what he is doing .,basically covering his tracks when he is doing something wrong , making you believe the children are lying . this is a red flag for not only his interactions with your kids but with you as well .

[Cerise]

Wow, I knew it was going to be hard to post this without people getting the wrong impression, and I even debated posting this here at all.

 

I appricate your input.

 

As far as calling her dramatic, etc., that is just you making excuses for your husbands behavior so you don't have to face reality.

 

You don't know my daughter!!!

 

First off my H is not abusive to my children, yes that was an abusive coment I agree which is why I posted here.

 

Just to let you all know we have worked this out and I shall leave it at that.

[Trialbyfire]

Wow, I knew it was going to be hard to post this without people getting the wrong impression, and I even debated posting this here at all.

 

I appricate your input.

 

 

 

You don't know my daughter!!!

 

First off my H is not abusive to my children, yes that was an abusive coment I agree which is why I posted here.

 

Just to let you all know we have worked this out and I shall leave it at that.

All kids can be drama queens but there's usually a detectable difference in how they portray/explain things.

 

Keep in mind that everyone can only see the little glimpse of the dynamics by what you post.

 

I'm glad this has been worked out but I will caution you to keep your eyes and ears wide open, instead of only believing one side. If he's capable of making one abusive comment, in a low tone of voice, he may have been doing this all along and continue doing it when you're not around. Don't be so quick to disbelieve your daughter, regardless of her tendency to cry wolf.

[Jinnah]

Wow, I knew it was going to be hard to post this without people getting the wrong impression, and I even debated posting this here at all.

 

I appricate your input.

 

 

 

You don't know my daughter!!!

 

First off my H is not abusive to my children, yes that was an abusive coment I agree which is why I posted here.

 

Just to let you all know we have worked this out and I shall leave it at that.

 

To say that he makes abusive comments towards children, but then say he is not abusive is absurd.

 

Being dramatic does not change the fact that this child is being abused.

 

As far as saying it's all worked out... right... we believe you. Sounds like a covering of tracks here as well.

 

I feel bad for these poor children.

[Cerise]

I feel bad for these poor children.

You can make you judgments and assumtions all you want and honestly I understand your veiw but it is based on only one thing with little explination from me so I guess it is my fault but it wouldn't hurt for you to open your mind to the possibiulity of there being more to it than that.

Keep in mind that everyone can only see the little glimpse of the dynamics by what you post.

 

Yes.

 

I am going to atempt to explain a little more knowing that I am possibly just making this look worse or like I am makeing excuses for myself and him but I am just trying to set the record straight since i obviously didn't do a very good job explaining it the first time.

 

Yes he has made abusive comment to my daughter- I did not stand for that, there was alot of talking and his bags were in the process of being packed before we got to the bottom of it.

 

In the begining I took what my daughter said seriously but after talking to him they led to misunderstandings but to undertand how that is possible you have to know my H and my daughter but it is possible.

 

When my middle child thought he called my youngest a monster I asked my youngest and she said no all he did was send me to bed she said that it was her that called him that and she apoligized to him for that. I know my youngest and she wouldn't lie about it.

 

The only point I was trying to make with that is how my middle child sees things or missunderstands things. She has acused him of saying things before like "your going to bed without supper" when he says that he said "no I said she was going to bed right after supper" I struggle with that because I belive she miss heard him or he didn't say what he ment because he does that to me, he will say one thing when he means another but that is because his comunication skills suck and if he gets a little flustered or upset it always comes out wrong.

 

When he said that in a low tone, it was completely unexceptible but I also understand he was atempting to walk away and was angry. When he gets mad he woun't talk or often gets quiet with me and says a coment and walks away I understand that this is him trying to control his anger and i take it with a grain of salt, but i felt that he needed to speak with her about it and he wouldn't.

 

That was the only time she acused him of saying somthing so harsh, i am positive it isn't an on going thing but it also made me wonder if all the other times he did say what she said he did, I now think it is him not saying things right to her and not her missunderstanding what he says and I worry about what damage that does to her with me suming it up to a missunderstanding when really he needs to learn to talk and really needs to talk to her about what he meant as soon as he is calm.

 

I have talked to him and made it very clear that if he is getting upset with her to say nothing I have also made it clear that he needs to talk with her or that is going to cause big problems, i can't do it for them as then I cause problems with mine and her realtionship and I don't want that. He understands and has been doing really well with it, he is more than deffiniatly trying and she hasn't said that he has said anything inapropriate in the slightest, as she has always been more than vigilant about telling me.

 

I was asking how I deal with this without making her think that I don't listen and how do i make him talk to her more clearly and why does he struggle to apoligize but through talking to him I have got to the bottom of that last two but I still worry about her.

 

I understand that this is abusive, I understand that he dosn't mean to be and why he is and we are working on that what I want to know is is there anyway I can help her deal as my biggest concern is she will stop talking to me.

 

We are all human and make mistakes -even parents! What I am trying to do is fix the problem, and I don't feel I have been very good at helping her in the past and I was looking for opinions on how to do it better in the future as i think by summing it up to misunderstanding was wrong of me as I now know it isn't her missunderstanding.

 

You also have to understand that she would come and tell on him to me for everything, like when he told her to clean up somthing, or sent her to bed ect this was in the begining and that is why I started shrugging it off, so I also did the same thing with the other- how do I fix this....

 

I really am not sure if I have explained it very well again, but ask me questions please instead of making general assumtions.

[Jinnah]

Look. The main thing to understand her is that he is the adult and she is the child. He needs to learn to behave like one. Who cares if he is bad at communicating. He needs to learn then, because at this point he is abusive. Now, I didn't tell you to go divorce him or anything at this point. You two and your children need to go to counseling. If this continues, you just might wind up with an immature man (that makes excuses for mentally abusing children) AND no kids.

 

If this continues, I wouldn't be surprised at all if your daughter eventually stopped talking to you. We all make mistakes, yes, but now that you realize, you need to correct this ASAP.

[Trialbyfire]

Cerise, don't take on the role of parenting your spouse and your children. Your children are your responsibility and your spouse needs to be accountable for his own actions as an adult, instead of denying his intent. It makes no difference what his intent is, what makes a difference is what he says and how he acts, which impacts on your child.

 

I agree about family counseling and would also encourage some individual counseling for your spouse.

[Cerise]

I am looking into counselling, I live in a very small community and I am trying to find somthing close where we can see a councellor on saturdays as my H works long hours during the week.

 

I do agree with both of you about my H being responsible for his actions ect. but the problem I have is either I help him wether that be getting us counselling or help him here at home or both as I can't seperate, i can't give him an altimatum unless I absolutly have to because nothing more can be done; for other reasons.

[love necessity]

Well, firstly..My heart goes out to your little one, because your H is an adult not a child and he shouldn't even say things like that to her...He is suppose to be there to steer her in the right direction, not bring her down...He should be mature enough not to let your child's words get to him....Teens will say and do things that are unthinkable...They say things...That's what they do...We all know they mean no harm, they are just so blind to the world around them....I don't think that anyone in this world can say that they have had a perfect child, because NO ONE in this world is perfect....

I know my daughter and she is good at dramtizing and exagerating things, she has been known to lie and so I take what she says with a grain of salt

That's the thing mom..you never believed that what she was saying was actually "true"...So, maybe she does not "over-exaggerate" or "overly-dramatize" situations...Maybe she does because she feels that no one will believe her otherwise...You've proved to her, over the past three or four years that you don't trust her, or take her word for things...I think you let this man down talk your children, when he is suppose to be a romodel and mature enough to know that he doesn't need to step on your childrens feelings to get his point across...I think you and him both would benefit from parenting classes, because it is so obvious that you let this man banter your children....It's not fair mom and your children should come first...NO matter what...

 

Also, what's the deal about you running back and forth whispering about feelings and who said what?

 

There seems to be some communication problems in this family and if you don't get on the boat about them, you may be looking towards a hard future w/ your children...

 

Communication isn't about what he or she said, problems should be worked out when everyone is available to talk about them....At a table over dinner or something....There's no need to whisper, you are only showing you children that it is not ok to express their feelings or to talk about their problems....you need to figure this out, or it will probably get worse...

[Citizen Erased]

You do realise as your children get older, this will get worse. If he can't act like an adult now, imagine when it's a 16 year old girl.

[Cobra_X30]

Tough situation! I'm not going to knock your H, because he is in a situation where the kids arent his... and they dont respect him. So he fights with them.

 

Perhaps it would be best if you took over the dicipline of the children, to prevent building resentment.

[Cerise]

I certnily opened a can of worms that I wasn't prepared to explain...

And if I try to explain more I will open several more cans of worms that will most likley blow up in my face.

 

I just re-read everything, and I can see why perspectives are the way they are. But please remember I am explaining one thing in piticular and the things revolving around that not the rest of my life and there is so much more to it than this, so many more positve things and so many more complicated things.

 

You can think I am a bad parent and you can think my H is horrible. You can feel for my daughter but your judgments have far from helped me come up with solutions, but I honestly thank you for trying if that is what you were doing.

 

The comuntication is not as bad as it seems, and I do do 90% of everything to do with my children besides the 'fun' stuff. I have had more parenting classes than most but to explain why, that is a whole other thing.

 

Thanks for you opinions but I will say you have just made me feel like a terribal parent inspite of the fact I know I am not. I should not have brought this here, my mistake.

[Cerise]

Oh and I am not covering my tracks, I don't deny anything I said here and I am not makeing excuses, there is so much more to it that puts everything in a little more in perspective at least for me.

 

Just thought I would mention that before somone decided to say I was.

[love necessity]

I'm sorry...If you are looking for a pat on the back, then maybe you shouldn't have brought this situation here...You shouldn't get mad because we all have our own opinions of this situation...I think maybe, like your husband, you might have a hard time explaining things, and maybe that's why I and several others are commenting the way we are...I also don't think that you are a terrible person, but I believe, from what I hear anyway, that you could take some extra measures to ensure that you're H and your children are on a communicating level...Your H, probably seems left out, and so do your children...But, who am I to just say things that I don't know of, so you're right...You probably should explain your situation further, that way you are able to get the help that you need...You shouldn't just give up on this post..It's for the sake of your children and for the sake of your marriage...Now, I'm not saying that you need to tell us everything, but you should at least be willing to share your feelings, w/o getting frustrated at others views...Heck, you might actually learn from a few of the other parents and they might even learn from you....However, this situation will only linger on, if you don't stare it in the face now...Whether it be going to counseling, seeking therapy, taking advice from us here on loveshack, or whatever..If you ignore this issue, it will blow up in your face eventually....

 

My best is with you, and I don't think you are a "bad" parent...I don't even know you too begin to say that about you...But I do believe you are a concerned a parent, and you only want what's right for your children and this is a great start...

 

LOVESHACK members really come through for some people...I've seen it....

 

Best of LUCK!!

 

Hopefully we hear more from you on this?

[Cerise]

No, I am not looking for a pat on that back.

 

No, I don't think I am having a hard time expaining things, but I am having a hard time putting them into perspective as I am trying to leave other things out.

 

I will start a new thread although I am not sure where to put it lol I will try to give you the whole picture of my situation and then you can really judge me hehe

 

I am not mad, I do understand your opinions I just struggle with what you have to say because I see it differently but that is because I am living it and know other wise and it isn't the help I was looking for. I think yeward was the most dead on with what i needed.

 

Off to write a story....it will be long

[Cerise]

I posted my story in the general realtionships thread for those interested