Am I asking for too much of his time?

[alrightstill]

Been with my boyfriend for two months and starting to feel unhappy about our relationship. I'm hoping to get some perspective on the situation since this is what I feel like to be my first serious relationship and I'm not quite sure what to expect out of it.

 

For the past month he visits me twice a week, each visit only lasting about an hour.

He has a regular 9-5 job.

Visits his close friends at least 3 times a week--he's always the one who drives to their places.

Goes to the gym about 4 times a week.

He wants to take on a second job of approx. 20hr per week because his current job's salary is not enough.

 

We text and call each other daily and often several times a day. But that never feels substantial enough. I don't even know if I have the right to complain, since I don't have a car so he's always the one who has to drive to see me, but then again so are all of his friends and he spends way more time with them than with me. He also appears reluctant to spend money WITH me now. He goes out and does stuff with his friends which hasn't happened with me since the third week or so. Stark contrast to the first two weeks of dating when he would take me out, and pay for everything. Maybe he thinks I'd expect the same still so that's why he doesn't take me out anymore?

 

Half of the hour of one of his visits would be spent on sex and sometimes I wonder if that's the main reason he wants a gf. I thought the time one spends with one's bf/gf would at least be a close second to friends or whatever, not a distant third or even fourth? I don't know how to bring it up with him--I fear the conversation would go down like, "You simply can't have it all: your comfortable living that needs a 60 hour working week to support, going to the gym 4+ times a week, and spending enough time keeping all your friends and your girlfriend happy. You have to let something go." And since I seem to be the least important one to him, we all know what that means...

 

Please help.

[nittygritty]

Him leaving after having sex with you is a red flag, IMO. He may just be using you for sex. If he can't ever spend the whole night with you then you shouldn't be having sex with him. Have you asked him if the two of you are seeing each other exclusively?

 

You have only been dating him for two months and your feeling taken for granted and slightly used. If I'm understanding the situation correctly, I think you should tell him your feelings and concerns. However, it really is too soon to expect him to drop everything else in his life and spend a great deal of time. A serious relationship may not be what he is looking for at this time in his life.

 

You can talk to him, accept the situation as is or end the relationship. Those are your basic choices. I would try talking first and then end the relationship if his terms are unacceptable.

 

If you don't feel comfortable enough to talk to him then you shouldn't be having sex with him.

[Star Gazer]

He sounds married...

[alrightstill]

Oh my, this is going to be really long, I just know it.

 

First, he's 21 and I know he is definitely not married! I'm 23 btw.

 

He doesn't quite leave me AFTER sex. Usually when he comes, we'd chat a bit, then start to "get into it", after we'd talk a bit more then he has to go home. In one week one of his visits would be during the weekday, he comes late-ish, around 10pm (he'd usually go to the gym and/or visit friends before that) then leaves at 11 since that's the general rule between my flatmates, no visits after 11pm. He knows this, but can rarely come beroe 10pm. Weekend visits tend to be during the afternoon, he'd usually still be recovering from the hangover from the night before, and he can never stay til dinnertime cause he's got a ****load of housework to do, or he has to watch Formula 1 or football at his friends' place again that night or somethings like that.

 

I'm feeling really confused here. "Taken for granted" is a pretty accurate description. Yes, we have already went through the bf/gf verbal agreement very early on, he's taken me to his house a couple of times and I've met his flatmates (older ladies who are like his aunts) was not introduced as "the girlfriend" though, simply by name. I've never met any of his friends yet, however have talked to all 3 of them briefly on the phone. He seems very serious and mature about the relationship; he encourages me to ask any questions about him that I may have, has always been honest and open, and tells me if I ever have an issue I need to talk to him. He also cares about my job, my career, always asks how my days is going etc, encourages me to exercise and look after myself, tells silly jokes to make me laugh... all around a great boyfriend except lack of physical time with me. I just don't get it. If I show this much care to another person I'd definitely want to spend more than a few hours each week with them, and that's not even counting the sex. And how is it that he could spend every evening and almost all weekend with me the first week of dating, down to only 2 or 3 at most hours a week now? Why can't he come see ME right after work or gym for the evening, go home late and let his friends call him until he has to go to sleep?

 

What makes me really hesitant to bring this up (again) though, is that a while ago, the first time I brought up "I wish I could see you more often and for longer each time" I was about to cry, he got very serious on me and told me, "Don't you dare drop one tear, did I not come see you after I left my friend? It's late and I could have gone straight home."

[nittygritty]

Did he stop spending as much time with you after you had sex with him?

 

If so, he may no longer feel the need to have to spend time with you because he has succeeded in getting you to have sex with him. Now he may only feel the need to see you when he wants to have sex.

 

Settling down and hanging out with one girl may not be the top priority of a 23 year old male.

 

Whenever you are no longer readily available to him because your busy doing other things than his interests in spending time with you will probably increase. That is if you like him enough to keep trying to stay in a relationship with him.

 

Since you have already spoken to him about wanting him to spend more time with you then you probably shouldn't bring it up again. Ideally, your wanting him to want to spend time with you because he wants to, not because you keep asking him to. So unless he develops a renewed interest in spending time with you, after he knows that your no longer sitting at home waiting for him, then I would move on.

 

I wouldn't tell him that your no longer going to be sitting at home waiting for him, just do it and see if it changes anything. I know your already probably not sitting at home waiting but what I mean by this is be busy and unavailable the next time he wants to come over.

[jcster]

I see red flags all over this post.

 

First off, the coming by at 10:00 - AFTER hanging out with his friends. This is booty call behavior. It doesn't matter what he talks to you about during this special 1 hour visit, it's still a visit to have sex. If seeing you was a priority, he would be hanging out with you, not his friends. He'd WANT to hang out with you, if he was into the relationship.

 

Next: You've known him for 2 months and you haven't met his friends. Why is that? Couldn't you go hang with him and his friends sometimes? Has he never invited you? Why do you think that is?

 

THIRD: He actually said this: "Don't you dare drop one tear, did I not come see you after I left my friend? It's late and I could have gone straight home." How utterly insulting. He invalidates your emotions and then tries to use that type of logic on you? He has a lot of nerve.

 

This guy is playing you. He likes to be able to come over when it suits him, when he's done doing EVERYTHING ELSE that he wants to do. He will not change his plans to hang out with you, he won't make you part of his life. I think he has at least one other girl on the side, with this behavior. If I were you, I would become permanently unavailable at 10 pm.

[nicki]

I agree! Coming over after hanging with his friends is booty call behavior.

 

Next time he calls and wants to come over at 10, tell him that you can't. Say you are hanging with your friends. Then say "Gotta go. Talk with you later" and hang up.

 

I can't believe how he reacted when you were upset. What a loser...and a manipulator. Telling you that he could have gone "straight home." What, like you should be grateful for him coming over at all? I don't think so. He only told you that to get you to shut up.

 

Guys like that make me mad. It's not you. You aren't expecting too much. He's giving too little....and it's all on HIS terms.

 

Big red flag. Run away quickly.

[alrightstill]

Thanks for the response everyone, I really don't want to give up on him just yet, I'll try and give more details to clarify the picture, I didn't post here to ask whether or not to break up with him, I want to know how to best talk to him about the subject...

 

Did he stop spending as much time with you after you had sex with him?

Maybe...? The first week we dated, he took me out every evening and was extremely romantic, we ended up having sex on the sixth night. Second week he visited every other day, I think he took me out two more times, or we bought takeout to eat at home. From about third week it became every 3 or 4 days which is twice a week... when each visit starts to become shorter and shorter. He also has a young friend (17 yo) come to NZ from his home country around that time, who happens to live very close to where I live (I reiterate it takes him 30min drive to my area and he's always the one who comes to me, his other two friends, the cousins, are about 20-25min away from him). This kid he also visits quite frequently, I also know that he has a girlfriend who also hangs out with them sometimes and he then drives her home afterwards. His other two friends, one of them is his best friend and colleague, the other that guy's cousin, they live together so basically he visits them together. I also know on occasions he takes his young friend when he visits the other two. He has never invited me to hang out with either the cousins or the young couple together. I can only think of two excuses for that, one is when he hangs out with the boys he only wants to hang out with the boys - which doesn't stand up because when he sees his young friend his gf also comes along. And if he's only hanging out with the young couple, he wouldn't want me to come because they'd always be talking in their own language which I can't understand. Or, if he's taking them all out together, that's all 5 seats taken in the car...

 

Is it possible that I'd been giving out the "I only want sex with you" attitude with him too? Did I have sex with him too early on in the relationship (6th date, also 6th night) But I enjoy having sex and I'm certainly not going to pretend I don't want him, for me it was a way of showing my affection for him too.

 

Also... a bit more statistics I just did, with results I do not like. I haven't deleted messages on my phone for close to 3 weeks now and from the texts he sent me, I worked out that he collectively sees his friends 4 days a week. From what I recall he's had a out of town roadtrip for one whole weekend, played pool about twice, went bowling, had tea, went out for diner, went to a magazine party and got very hammered, watched football or other sporting events with them at home... And me? The last 3 weeks I've had maybe 1 dinner and 1 lunch with him - my place, my food - rest of the time, we talk, have sex or lie in bed doing nothing/fall asleep for a while.

 

I feel so torn inside

 

I'm REALLY trying to put myself into his shoes. I know a normal 9-5 job can be exhausting for regular people, I work freelance myself so have a lot of flexibility with time. And I have heard from my own friends on most days it really feels like you wake up, go to work, go home, sleep and have no time for anything else. Maybe this is as much as he can manage as far as time goes?

[ahah2322]

hey babe, i'm sorry you are going through this right now. imo, he doesn't respect you and is clearly taking you for granted.

 

all guys should have their own 'guy' time but if those get-together instances far far exceeds couplehood time, then this is a clear red flag signalling an unhealthy relationhship. in this case, your boyfriend seems to treat you like a booty call (as what other LSers have repeatedly mentioned).

 

In addition, his abominable "Don't you dare drop one tear, did I not come see you after I left my friend? It's late and I could have gone straight home." explicitly showed that he does not care about your feelings. guys inherently get very defensive and agitated when we complain or bring up a conversation about things like these because they feel like we are blaming them for their inadequacies (my guy friends and bf have shared these feelings with me). however, as defensive and angry they can be, they will never just shut you up with that one sentence. your bf even threatened that he ''could have gone straight home''. please see that this is a reprehensible behaviour which completely undermines your concerns and feelings.

 

i was rather indignant when i read about it. sit him down and talk to him again. if he tries to shut you up like that again or makes no effort to resolve the situation, you don't need him and this ahole babe.

 

please pardon my incontinence of temper. good luck and take care!

[kymberann]

Ohh not good.

If you are thinking and analyzing and doing a statistical analysis of the relationship then you have got to know you have doubts about this! Save yourself the tine and energy. It isn't you, it is just where he is right now. Be busy and don't accept his excuses!

[Lishy]

I dont think you should even tal to him about this. It seems he just does not care!

 

This is what I would do, IGNORE HIM! dont answer the phone and see if he runs after you.

 

How he reacts to that will show you what he thinks about you

[Lishy]

And in answer to your header, NO you are not expecting too much, you want a boyfriend not a casual f*ck!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Dont let him treat you like this, he is only doing it because you are allowing him to!

[Nanachu]

I am very sorry, but based on what you described, it just sounds like he is not that into you. He may over time, he may not, but right now, he is not. We cannot generalize all men, but if he is into you, he is trying much more to spend time with you. Everyone has a job, school, friends, family, gym, yoga, taking care of pets, or whatever, but if he wants to spend time with you longer than 1 hour, there are a billion ways for him to do to make that happen.

It is not his fault if he naturally does not feel the way to you (yet). Talking won't fix his natural feeling. If you feel he is into you and he has some bad behavior simply because he does not know how you feel or how to behave, good communication fixes. But, you won't fall in love with someone only because the person gives you a logica explanation why you have to fall in love with the person.

If I were you (and taking the fact that you are not ready to break up with him), I will wait and see. I will not have a sex with him if he cannot spend a night with me. I will enjoy my time without him. If he calls me to ask whether or not he can show up for 1 hour, I will tell him that I am busy, but instead we can meet some other time going out? Time is something we make and we can make if we want to.

Good luck

[alrightstill]

I know it probably makes me look like a nut by doing a bloody statistical analysis on his friends vs. me, but the whole reason was that I thought maybe I'd exaggerated it in my mind, turns out I have no. It was "I thought it's at least 3 times a week" to "I KNOW for a fact that it's 4 times a week". And *he* thinks he see me 2-3 times a week when it's in fact been no more than 2 times for a while now.

 

I had a talk with him yesterday (and that statistic calendar thing didn't go down too well ) and according to him, his visits to friends are usually not much longer than an hour either. I can understand that during the weekday, then sure, that is very possible, but I cannot recall the last time he spent say, an entire friday or saturday evening with me. I mostly remember him spending those weekend nights well into the early morning hours with his friends. So when he comes the next afternoon, he's still tired and hungover...

 

*sigh* I think I hit the point in the relationship that instead of dreaming about the house we're gonna live in and how we'll still be in love many years from now, to "When and how will we break up?" You know, that tiny kindling of hope is just dead now. I told him I'm not completely happy with this, but I'm not going to tell him to "**** off" (his words). But later on? I dunno. I hope this won't end messy.

[oppath]

There is no reason he can't come over Saturday afternoon, go for a hike with you, then cook dinner for/with you, then both of you go to a bar to catch a band with his friends, then back to your or his place to spend the night, sleep in, and grab a late breakfast.

 

That is not unreasonable.

 

He likes to go to the gym? Cool. Does he work out with his friends? Would it be possible for you to accompany him once a week? My ex and I used to go running together at the gym once a week. I hate running on tread mills, but we both wanted to work out 4-5 times a week, and since she lived 40 minutes away, it was a compromise for us to see each other. I'd come over and we'd go running and then have dinner, or have dinner and then wait 2 hours and go running. When we ran, we weren't talking. She had her ipod in her ears, but it was still TIME TOGETHER. That is what mattered. Despite nothing said, it felt like quality time, because we were including each other in our lives.

 

You are not asking too much. He can be busy. Nothing is wrong with that. But one weekend night should be devoted to you. This doesn't mean he can't see friends too -- you can do that TOGETHER -- but if it is a relationship, friday or saturday should be a night for the two of you.

[alrightstill]

There is no reason he can't come over Saturday afternoon, go for a hike with you, then cook dinner for/with you, then both of you go to a bar to catch a band with his friends, then back to your or his place to spend the night, sleep in, and grab a late breakfast.

 

That sounds really fantastic. I'd suggest that though I forgot to talk about the weekends together thing with him, but since I'd already brought up the issue three times now, probably not a good idea to continue. I'll see what he proposes to do when this weekend comes but I'll leave that up to him.

 

And being the anal retentive that I am, I did more obsessive in-depth analysis of friends time vs me time. Over the last 2 weeks, Them = 10 times total ~25hr or a bit more. Most times he hanged out with more than one of them together. Me = 4 times total ~5hr. No, he's absolutely right when he says he doesn't spend more time with his three buddies than with me. Ha, and now I'm just bitching about it! On the internet no less.

 

Oddly enough he asked this afternoon if he could come visit later tonight, and I told him sorry I can't be available. I mean wow, didn't we spend 2 hours yesterday in a rather tense discussion which ends in you stating that you're already doing the best as you can, so I should either accept it or tell him to sod off? And you actually have time for me today too? Two days in a row, what a shocker. *rolls eyes*