soulseeker Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Like the title says, I ran into the guy who, not even a week ago, told me I wasnt the one. I get it, he doesnt think I am the one. However, I know he likes me, and I cant help reading into everything that has been said between us since then. I KNOW he is just being nice, but its driving me crazy. I also KNOW we would not work out even if he wasnt so sure I wasnt the one. BUT, when I saw him, he was so damn nice and could not stop looking at me. He went out of his way for me and offered to help me out with my class. Dammit I am so physically attracted to him. He is being nice to me out of pity, right? When we ended things, he told me that he really did like me, and that I made him really happy. All after he told me he knew I wasnt the one. Gah! What is the best way to get over someone who, due to circumstance, you'll see quite often? I still like him Please help
Star Gazer Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 There are tons and tons of guys out there that aren't "the one" for one reason or another who I am nevertheless attracted to and would still be nice to despite the fact they aren't "the one." I don't think he's being nice out of pity. He likes you as a person, but knows for certain that you don't have a future together. You seem to understand that point too. Just keep focusing on it, and before you know it, someone else will come along.
Lizzie60 Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 He is being nice to me out of pity, right? No, I think he's being nice cause he is a nice guy. When we ended things, he told me that he really did like me, and that I made him really happy. He may like you, but he doesn't love you. What is the best way to get over someone who, due to circumstance, you'll see quite often? Only time... and try not to run into him too much...it will hurt every time...
Author soulseeker Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 Im just being stupid. I cant help but fantasize that he will come to think he made a mistake. What really sucks is that I am old enough to know what I am looking for in a mate, and I saw some really great things in him in that regard. I was way into him How could a person know that quickly that I am not the one? Not sure, of course, but definitely no? We share the same studio so it will be nearly impossible not to see him multiple times a week.
Star Gazer Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Im just being stupid. I cant help but fantasize that he will come to think he made a mistake. What really sucks is that I am old enough to know what I am looking for in a mate, and I saw some really great things in him in that regard. I was way into him How could a person know that quickly that I am not the one? Not sure, of course, but definitely no? We share the same studio so it will be nearly impossible not to see him multiple times a week. He knows because he knows. It's much easier to know that someone is NOT "the one" than to know that they ARE "the one." Haven't you ever just known that someone was not for you? He likely knows himself pretty well, knows his needs and his goals and dreams, and knows that you don't fit his personal needs. It says nothing about you, other than that he must think you're still an awesome person because he's still being cool with you. Don't beat yourself up about it.
Author soulseeker Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 You are right SG. Its just confusing to me because I would never tell someone how happy they make me, how awesome they are, or how lucky I am to be with them if I knew they werent the one. /boggle. It's sometimes hard for me to process stuff that doesnt reconcile in my head, ya know?
Star Gazer Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 You are right SG. Its just confusing to me because I would never tell someone how happy they make me, how awesome they are, or how lucky I am to be with them if I knew they werent the one. /boggle. It's sometimes hard for me to process stuff that doesnt reconcile in my head, ya know? You're confused because you (understandably) want those words to mean more than they do. Thing is, I'd say those same words to my platonic girlfriends...they make me happy, they are wonderful, and how lucky I am to be able to spend time with them. They're awesome people...and so are you. But that doesn't mean I'm riding off into the sunset with my girlfriends, or that you're meant to with your friend. People can be freakin' awesome and amazing in the eyes of others without romantic feelings getting involved, nevermind "the one" status. Chin up.
Author soulseeker Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 I say the same things to my friends as well. and I could see myself saying these things to a potential romantic partner too. But I'm sorry, I would not say these things to someone who I had chemistry with if I knew they were into me, but I knew they were not the one. And I am not making up the chemistry, he commented on it. And even if he hadnt, I know real mutual chemistry when I feel it. You can just tell feel when someone is into you. It feels purely electric - they want to be near you as much as you want to be near them. Ive been way into someone before while they were not into me and it does not feel electric. Im just confused and hurt. Blah. Im trying to get my chin up
mental_traveller Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Im just being stupid. I cant help but fantasize that he will come to think he made a mistake. What really sucks is that I am old enough to know what I am looking for in a mate, and I saw some really great things in him in that regard. I was way into him How could a person know that quickly that I am not the one? Not sure, of course, but definitely no? It's pretty easy to know, I think. After my previous relationship broke up, I dated a pretty attractive woman, but after a short while it was obvious there could not be something serious as we both wanted totally different things. So even though there was nothing wrong with her objectively, and lots of guys would probably be really into her, it's just not going to be. He may feel the same about you - lots of good stuff to like, but one or two things that just make him realise it's not something with long-term true compatibility. It's much better than he's been honest with you about it, rather than taking advantage of you by pretending to be into you just to have some fun & free sex. Also, the *last* thing you want is for him to think maybe he made a mistake. Because then you will fall hard for him, and eventually after 6-12 months once the thrill has worn off, he'll realise that you still aren't the one for him and then either break off with you, cheat on you, or be unsatisfied with you. That would be far worse then if you never got involved at all. As for how to deal with it - maybe find another guy? Or just suck it up and wait for the feeling to pass.
Author soulseeker Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 Thanks MT. I know you are right. Truth is, I am so f-ing lonely. Gdit, I do the best I can to pretend to myself that I am not, but I am. And when I think about what I like about this guy, really it's the idea of what I like about him more than him. There are huge incompatibilities that I know would not work out, and things about him that are huge nos for me. But f*ck, I am so tired of being lonely. I have some great friends, but I just long for that certain someone. To those of you not in a satisfying relationship, how do you deal with the loneliness? I mean, it's so palpably acute right now for me it's seriously distracting me from other aspects of life that are just as important. Another question: How do you know if someone is really into you? BC this guy said and acted like he was. I dunno, maybe when it came to light that he is a virgin waiting for marriage and I am not, maybe thats what made him change. Maybe I need to stop watching romantic movies. You know, the ones where someone realizes they made a mistake, get back with the person, and stay together for the long haul. Does this not happen in real life? Dont mind me, I am just having a bad week. PS I did thank him for his honesty, because I do appreciate that.
garnet Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 SS, I'm sorry for what you're going through, I've been there. The thing is, we are all programmed to want certain things in a mate, and many of these things are subconscious based on our childhoods, past experiences, etc. I once had a friend who I was completely in love with who didn't feel the same way, even though we seemed compatible in every way. I beat myself up over it for such a long time, because I thought I was deficient in some way. He's in a serious relationship now, and I know for a fact the woman is financially supporting him, just like his own mother did until he was 35. Thank goodness he didn't choose me, I think what he really wanted was another mother! Point is, you just can't take it personally. And don't read into these comments he's making, it will just keep you spinning in circles when what you need to do is pick yourself up and move on...as quickly as possible. The more you can avoid seeing him, the easier it will be to heal.
Author soulseeker Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 Thanks Garnet. Thing is, I dont take it personally. I know I am a great person. Not the one for him, obviously , but a great person. I am just jaded by the way he liberally used his words and the way he treated me. Confusing to me. I was in a relationship full of mixed signals before this, and I guess I thought what this new guy said and did actually meant more than it did. (thanks SG). In all honesty, I am more lonely than anything. I am not going to waste time pining over him. I will suck that I have to see him, but I will try to focus on why it didnt work out because there were incompatibilities that I was in denial about. The other thing that I realized hurts, is that I have never been in a relationship that ended while both people still liked each other. We just figured out it wouldn't work in the long run before we stopped liking each other. And if nothing else, it was a lesson in taking things slow emotionally.
garnet Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 I know what you mean about the loneliness. It still creeps up on me also because I haven't met "the one" yet. Is there something you've always wanted to do, something you could really throw yourself into? I recently took a volunteer trip to a third world country I had dreamed of going to my whole life. It has completely changed my life, as I'm now I'm working on a project with some people I met there and planning my next trip back. This project has filled me up in a way that nothing else ever has. If I were in a relationship, I might never have made the trip at all. If there's anything at all you can really throw yourself into, a goal, a dream, I have found it to be incredibly therapeutic and life-enhancing. The lonely moments have been much less frequent, although I think they're inevitable sometimes.
Trialbyfire Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 There are huge incompatibilities that I know would not work out, and things about him that are huge nos for me. But f*ck, I am so tired of being lonely. I have some great friends, but I just long for that certain someone. soulseeker, I think you've spelled out the complete problem. You also know he isn't the one but you want someone to love and to love you back. Chemistry and even love, but particularly "like", isn't enough for a long-term relationship. All the right elements have to be there. Better to know this sooner than later, although I doubt that matters right now. Try not to let it erode on your self-esteem because of incompatibilities. If you want, get angry, if it helps to keep back the tide of softer emotions.
Author soulseeker Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 Yeah, when I met him, I kinda had the feeling that he might be the one though. It was one of those moments when two people meet each other's eyes and there is magic. I have never felt that type of shock before I saw him again today. I walked through the studio that we both use, he was supposed to be in class, but he was there meeting with his mentor and a bunch of other students. He looked right at me and I waved, but proceeded out of the classroom to my locker. He immediately ran out of the class after me. We had a nice light chat during which time he hugged me for what seemed like no reason. I told him I had to go to the bookstore and he asked to come along, meaning he never went back to his meeting. So we went. We had a nice time talking and laughing. He told me to call him if I wanted to meet up at the studio for him to show me some things. this is the third time since we split that he has said to call me. He said it was nice to talk with me. Does this all mean nothing? Is it possible that I scared him off by having the talk too soon? The same night when he said the stuff about not being the one, before that, he said "you are gorgeous, and smart, what more could I want?" Then I feel like maybe I pushed him, like if I would have left it at that we would still be dating. When I say there are incompatibilities that would not work in the long run, I am just saying that so I dont feel as hurt. Everything I know about him I like or isnt a big deal to me to not like. There are always unknowns and things that might make a relationship not work, but for my part, so far nothing I know about him rules him out for me. Most of it is logistical. Am I just in denial? Before they got married, my friends husband told her that he would never love her.
Trialbyfire Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Right now, you are hanging onto any tiny spark of hope. This won't help you move on. What you need to do is to believe what he says. If he's full of it and running scared, that's his problem, which he needs to address. You cannot fix anything broken within him.
Author soulseeker Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 Thanks TBF. I wish I could just take your advice and go with it, but I cant. I know I sound like an idiot. Please humor me. The guy is acting like he likes me. I was almost fine with everything until I ran into him and he acted so glad to see me and went out of his way to see me today. Now I feel like a mess. Logically, I shouldnt be this upset. Dont people ever say things they dont really mean? His action neither on the night, nor when I have seen him since, match what he said.
Trialbyfire Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 People can continue to like and miss you but whether or not you will be the one, is another story. Try not to set yourself up for the high of having positive contact and the crushing low of disappointment. Be realistic if you want to pursue this course of action with this guy. Okay?
Author soulseeker Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 I appreciate your advice TBF. Really, thank you. Id just rather make an ass of myself in finding out if there is more there, then regret not finding out. And if he hadnt been so damn happy to see and talk to me these times, I would be more able to just accept his words at face value. I just figured next time we talk I would say: You know, a week ago you told me that I wasnt the picture of the one you have in your head. You keep going out of your way to talk to me though. What is going on? Does this sound safe enough?
Trialbyfire Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 I can understand a no regrets philosophy. As long as you're prepared for an honest answer from him, how can you regret honest questions?
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